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The Sex Queen of Ul'Dah

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by Spahro Llorn




The Jewel of the desert is known far and wide as a palace of pleasures glorious to behold. The finest spices covered every succulent morsel of food, and only the finest of wines grace the tables of the Ul’Dahn elites. But it is, perhaps, not these pleasures which first come to mind when the glistening spires of Ul’Dah grace one’s vision. No, for many it is the sun kissed skin of the dancing girl or the painted lips and welcoming smile that waits in shadowed doorways promising pleasures beyond compare. The women of negotiable affection are as much a part of Ul’Dah as the Brass Blades or the sands themselves, and their Queen is Z’zhumii Umi.


“What sets me apart from lesser sex workers is that I’m not always hired for intimate reasons,” she says, smiling. She sits in a plain chair in The Quicksand, her eyes painted the golden color of her patron goddess. The dark skinned and fair haired Sun Seeker speaks with a cultured, but somehow exotic accent, mixing her tribal origins and city life together into a sound both foreign and familiar at once. “Because I am a learned woman, able to read, write and more, I am often hired to be an ear to listen to and a sound mind to council. Some of the members of Ul’Dah’s government come to me for advice or an opinion on matter private.”


She refuses to name names, only smiling coyly.


“I will say that I do have a special client that I have bent my rule of no Lalafel clientele for. I was hired by his children because they were not able to deal with his aging mind. He cannot remember things sometimes. Others he makes memories or, or just gets confused. His children hired me to do what they could not; keep him company. I do not deny him his false memories, but talk with him. I go along with it. He sometimes puts me in his memories, though I am much too young to have been anywhere in his youth.”


Umi is not a woman of ill repute. No, her reputation is of the highest standard. “My official title,” she says, “is Courtesan Onesta. It means I am exceptionally high class in societal rankings. Now, the word courtesan means any things to many people. It is often appropriated to... Well, in most cases, girls just take the word without knowing the proper usage. Some try to use it in an attempt to raise up in the ranks, so to speak, but that is a rarity. There is a long list of skills I’ve had to acquire in order to get where I am.”


The is no understatement. Along with her more physical talents, Umi is a trained songstress and can dance in a courtly ballroom or, as she puts it, “More private venues.”


“Speech was another thing I was tutored on,” she says. “I used to run my Rs. A common thing in my former tribe.”


Now, she is not only an entertainer or confidant, but an able bodied bed companion as well. “I am my client’s pretend ideal wife, in a way.”


And how would one go about hiring her? her answer is delivered in a friendly, professional tone with just the hint of an upwards curl at the side of her lips, like she’s sharing a secret. “I charge one hundred and fifty thousand gil a night. When I am contacted, either by messenger or in person, I do a check on the potential client. I have contacts within Ul’Dah’s banks, so I can call upon them to ask about him; his standing in society, his yearly income and the like. I like to make sure I am not bankrupting someone, or getting into bed, figuratively and literally, with an unsavory character. If he is in good standing, can truly afford my company, and has no record of harassing or harming women in my profession, I reply and we set up a date.”


“if I am being hired as a date for an event, I tend to be escorted to the ball, party or even, on occasion, the royal court, as a bit of eye candy. I’ll chatter and charm and mingle, trying to entertain my client as well as impress those around him. Afterwards, if agreed upon, I will either go to their private apartments or return to my own for a more private setting. There, I will serve drinks, wine or tea is the usual, small confections of a sugary sort, and talk. After, sometimes a bath is involved. Sometimes a bed.”


“I try to have at least one engagement a night, and occasionally I take one or two nights off. Sadly, my schedule of late has become lacking.” It is at this point that her eyes darken and become downcast. She looks into her cup, breaking eye contact for the first time.


“”The political state of the city has many of my clients too busy, bankrupt or worse. The riots and unease ripples through to effect even those a good distance from it all.”


Then, like the rising sun, her smile returns, brightening up the table. “I do have a little side project thanks to my recent downtime. I’ve registered a linkpearl line in hopes of creating a sort of coalition for other women who use the title courtesan; even those appropriating it. With the decline in upscale customers, it is harder to properly check the backgrounds of new clients. I do not wish any woman to end up at the back of someone’s hand or the point of their sword. It’s meant to be a union to keep each other safe, as well as perhaps a teaching tool for those of less stature.”


It is there the conversation ends, and she graciously excuses herself from the table. The eyes of The Quicksand watch the sway of her tail as she leaves, and many linger on the door long after she is gone. Z’zhumii Umi has that effect on people. She is, after all, The Sex Queen of Ul’Dah.

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