(07-18-2015, 06:44 PM)Zephyo Wrote: I find that most of the decisions I make are made within the boundaries of 'success' and 'failure.' I'll get half-way in my attempt, and then stall out and let entropy end my progression when the window for success grows smaller. Even with joining the RP community, I have this stigma upon myself that if post describing my plans for my character are not responded to then it just means it wouldn't 'make the cut' if I finished my work anyway. That if I had approached the situation any number of other ways, I'd have a chance at being 'successful.'
You've basically described most of my creative ventures. I'll start something, and slowly taper out of it as worry gnaws at me - doubly so if it's something no one seems to be responding to. I've had a few stories I've written on DeviantArt, for example, where I've gotten several pages worth of stuff put down... and just stopped because it just seemed like no one, well, cared. Even though it's just as likely that people hadn't come across it because DA's a rather big website and is more for art than for the written word, I still think that people are seeing the little preview blurb and seeing it as junky trash that isn't worth their time. And so I get worried and nervous and negatively self-reflective and ultimately never finish it.
Thaliak's Sisyphus might've ended up the same way if I hadn't been able to convince myself that lack of posting by others saying what they liked or didn't like is... relatively common. Now I'm more at a writer's block moment on how I want to proceed with things rather than floundering in worry over whether people like it. Though, the desire for feedback is still there.
I'm a little ball of fear and worry in general, though. I worry that my lack of knowledge in something or another at work will end up with me getting fired. I fear of awkward or ignored in social situations so it takes a herculean effort to get me to try and go out places - even if I want to be social in a sense that goes beyond the Internet. I even worry that folks might not want to RP with me, or that I'm not RPing an interesting enough character (or, conversely, making them too "strong" and pushing folks away) - so all I can do is timidly ask if people want to RP and fade into silence when no one says anything and go back to slowly grinding levels on Gogon. And don't even get me started on my worries and fears on romance and relationships (and my lack of either at the moment).
It doesn't help that, at times, it seems like the world is agreeing with me on my negative self-view. Last Monday I felt the desire to go out and be social - to try and make new friends and do something other than sit at my computer all day. Found a game event thing about twenty minutes away - board games and such. While I was hoping more for a way to restart my DnD-type games, it was still something and - with the proddings of folks in the RPC chat - I drove on down.
To what was effectively a trap for college kids - a cafe that just happened to also have board games and the like. The fee for hanging out to play games and such was $5, with their Monday special being $1... if you bought $10 worth of food - which was basically a burger given their inflated prices. Most of the people there were walled off (figuratively, not literally) in their own little groups and seemed distant to me when I timidly approached. The group that I had read about was also... less than stellar. They seemed distant as well, save for this one heavyset stuttering girl who just looked like she was trying hard to fit in with the others.
She was also more or less abandoned by the others when they left, leaving her with no way to get to the Metro for a ride home beyond... me. Someone who had basically only been "hanging out" with this group for all of two hours. Which I did, because I really couldn't say no - it wouldn't been rather cruel leaving her to walk the five/ten minute drive at night. Even if it felt REALLY awkward giving a lift to someone I just met.
So, my desire to go out and be social ended up in spending $7 ($2 on parking - there was paid parking - and $5 for the "hanging out" at the cafe) learning one game that we only played a couple rounds of before everyone bailed... and finagling myself into one round of a card game before that group decided to change things up. Not to mention the 20-30 minute drive both ways and ending up having to awkwardly converse with an awkward girl who was abandoned by her gaming group as I drove her to the Metro.
My biggest solace of that whole thing was... at least I helped someone. If I hadn't been there, who knows what could've happened to that girl. So... there's that, at least. I still think the whole venture was a horrible failure that feeds into that spiral of negativity... but I managed to glean something positive out of it.