History?
What is it now?
I have a report to make.
Great.  Fine.  Let’s hear it.  As if I have nothing better to do.
Aren’t you a machine whose only purpose is to record military logs?
Aren’t you a ridiculous bag of water and meat whose sole purpose is to produce copies of yourself?
What?
Babies. Â Making babies is the only real point to living that I can see.
What about art and culture and history?
Just a lot of hogwash that people make up in order to attract better partners for making babies.
What about couples that don’t have children?  Or what about same-sex couples?
What the…now you’re being ridiculous.
You’re never nice to me, History.  Can’t you be gentle?
Alas, this is the way Captain Daru left me.  Poor Captain Daru…beautiful, sweet man in his polished armor.  Always had a kind word to say.  Always kept his men in high spirits.  How did he die again?
It was a ghost attack.
A likely story. Â Chances are you murdered him to take over his command-
History…
Or maybe he rejected your paltry advances.  Seems about like you to throw yourself at the gallant captain’s feet.
History, how can you-
It all gets back to that breeding thing.  Unrequited love leads a subordinate, a lowly private to murder her commanding officer in cold blood.  I’d write the story down if I had hands.
May we please get to recording my log?
Fine, fine.  Tell me about who you’ve murdered today.
No murders, History. Â I did find work though.
The brothel?
…I found employment with a group formerly known as the Crimson Blades.
Who cares what they were formerly known as? Â What do they call themselves now?
The Night Blades.
How original. Â And they hired you?
Yes, they hired me and gave me some muffins.
Seems like a pretty poor excuse for pay.
It wasn’t part of my compensation, they just gave them to me.
Whatever.  I wouldn’t worry about it.  You’ll get  your own back when you murder their commanding officer and take his place.  Who is their commanding officer anyway?
His name is Ellion.
Human?
No, Miqo’te.
Even better for you. Â When you murder him you can explain it away as part of your weird kitty counter-culture.
History…
Tell everyone that’s the way it goes among the savage Miqo’te tribes of Limsa Lominsa.
I’m from the Sagolii Desert.
Are you sure?  That story won’t help your lie.  Who the hell comes from the Sagolii Desert?
I generally try not to lie.
Bah. Â More lies.
Fine.  I’m a liar then.  Are we still recording?
As long as you have lies to tell, I’ll be sure to get them all down.
The Night Blades have their base of operations in Limsa Lominsa-
Great. Â Your family will be nearby. Â That could be handy.
“I told you I’m from the Sagolii Desert.â€
And you admitted you’re a liar.  So which is it?
Talking to you gives me a headache. Â Are you still recording?
Every word. Â It could end up being valuable evidence in your murder trial someday.
Master Ellion told us to clean up the headquarters space. Â Before we could get over busy with that task, we found an abandoned room with a large hole in it.
Ah. Â And what was in the hole?
Nothing at first, but Stanzie fell in the hole and I jumped down after her.
Just like that? Â What possessed you to jump in the hole, Lum?
I was worried she might be in trouble. Â Daej said the headquarters were haunted..
Bah. Â More talk of ghosts. Â Ghosts like the one that killed Captain Daru?
Exactly like that. Â I jumped down to help Stanzie because it was either that or run away.
And what did your commander Ellion have to say about this?
I don’t think he said anything.
Just as well.  He might be a good commander but he can’t fix stupid.
Do you have to call me stupid?
Yes, Lum. Â I do. Â Unlike you, I do not lie.
What is it now?
I have a report to make.
Great.  Fine.  Let’s hear it.  As if I have nothing better to do.
Aren’t you a machine whose only purpose is to record military logs?
Aren’t you a ridiculous bag of water and meat whose sole purpose is to produce copies of yourself?
What?
Babies. Â Making babies is the only real point to living that I can see.
What about art and culture and history?
Just a lot of hogwash that people make up in order to attract better partners for making babies.
What about couples that don’t have children?  Or what about same-sex couples?
What the…now you’re being ridiculous.
You’re never nice to me, History.  Can’t you be gentle?
Alas, this is the way Captain Daru left me.  Poor Captain Daru…beautiful, sweet man in his polished armor.  Always had a kind word to say.  Always kept his men in high spirits.  How did he die again?
It was a ghost attack.
A likely story. Â Chances are you murdered him to take over his command-
History…
Or maybe he rejected your paltry advances.  Seems about like you to throw yourself at the gallant captain’s feet.
History, how can you-
It all gets back to that breeding thing.  Unrequited love leads a subordinate, a lowly private to murder her commanding officer in cold blood.  I’d write the story down if I had hands.
May we please get to recording my log?
Fine, fine.  Tell me about who you’ve murdered today.
No murders, History. Â I did find work though.
The brothel?
…I found employment with a group formerly known as the Crimson Blades.
Who cares what they were formerly known as? Â What do they call themselves now?
The Night Blades.
How original. Â And they hired you?
Yes, they hired me and gave me some muffins.
Seems like a pretty poor excuse for pay.
It wasn’t part of my compensation, they just gave them to me.
Whatever.  I wouldn’t worry about it.  You’ll get  your own back when you murder their commanding officer and take his place.  Who is their commanding officer anyway?
His name is Ellion.
Human?
No, Miqo’te.
Even better for you. Â When you murder him you can explain it away as part of your weird kitty counter-culture.
History…
Tell everyone that’s the way it goes among the savage Miqo’te tribes of Limsa Lominsa.
I’m from the Sagolii Desert.
Are you sure?  That story won’t help your lie.  Who the hell comes from the Sagolii Desert?
I generally try not to lie.
Bah. Â More lies.
Fine.  I’m a liar then.  Are we still recording?
As long as you have lies to tell, I’ll be sure to get them all down.
The Night Blades have their base of operations in Limsa Lominsa-
Great. Â Your family will be nearby. Â That could be handy.
“I told you I’m from the Sagolii Desert.â€
And you admitted you’re a liar.  So which is it?
Talking to you gives me a headache. Â Are you still recording?
Every word. Â It could end up being valuable evidence in your murder trial someday.
Master Ellion told us to clean up the headquarters space. Â Before we could get over busy with that task, we found an abandoned room with a large hole in it.
Ah. Â And what was in the hole?
Nothing at first, but Stanzie fell in the hole and I jumped down after her.
Just like that? Â What possessed you to jump in the hole, Lum?
I was worried she might be in trouble. Â Daej said the headquarters were haunted..
Bah. Â More talk of ghosts. Â Ghosts like the one that killed Captain Daru?
Exactly like that. Â I jumped down to help Stanzie because it was either that or run away.
And what did your commander Ellion have to say about this?
I don’t think he said anything.
Just as well.  He might be a good commander but he can’t fix stupid.
Do you have to call me stupid?
Yes, Lum. Â I do. Â Unlike you, I do not lie.
