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Hotpocket · **06-14-2015, 01:19 PM**

-insert obligatory "long time lurker, first time poster" here-

Anyways, I started working on this when we first learned that the Xaela consisted of nomadic, warring tribes. I just finished it a couple of days ago (because I was very, very distracted by finishing the relic grind, PvP grind, and Witcher 3), and would really appreciate some feedback on it! I've drawn inspiration from several nomadic cultures from history as well as from nomadic cultures from other games (the main one being the Roving Clans from Endless Legend). I also incorporated ideas for the Au Ra that I've seen posted about here. The only thing I really foresee myself having to change is the tribe's name. Even then, I could probably get away with saying that it's current name is essentially an Eorzean translation of it. Everything else has been left relatively vague to avoid as much retconning as possible.

Here's the link! Clicky click.Â Whether it be "Woo, this is awesome!" or "Wtf this is a total shit clan gg no re scrub git gud," I would appreciate the critique.

Seye Qhesu · **06-14-2015, 02:05 PM**

It has a huge Native American meets Seeker Tribe feel to it. I like the Native American part but am unsure about the whole 'rush to mate with the strongest of hunters'. That screams Miqo'te 2.0 to me though it could truly be what they end up like

Bonus points for horn touching! \o/

Overall, I like it. It seems less warring and more gathering for you which is fine and I think it will do well.

Edit: I wanted to let you know I absolutely love how you handled animals for the tribe.

Ironpriest88 · **06-14-2015, 02:16 PM**

I for one really like this tribe! Hell I think the Xaela I have in mind would fit in perfectly! (Though I really need to flesh her out a bit along with her story-companion) I am totally gonna follow this and would love to work my Xaela into this tribe :3

Hotpocket · **06-14-2015, 02:48 PM**

@Flower: Yeah, I get how it could seem like cats 2.0 in that regard. However, instead of it being more like "must mate with strongest hunter only," it's more like "ohshit you just took down that monster and that is super impressive and that turns me on, let's bang." The horn touching is one of the first ideas I read about the Au Ra about a month ago on here, and I knew I had to include it in my tribe when I read that. Thanks for the feedback!

@Iron: Thank you much~ I'm definitely open to letting other people use this tribe as some background information for their characters if they wish to do so.

***Nero*** · **06-14-2015, 03:31 PM**

Please stop banning my Vaulters from the marketplace. It hurts their feelings. And their insatiable need for titanium.

Okay, let's take a looksie here. I'll be examining both how the summary is written and organized like an obnoxious English teacher, and the actual content of the summary itself. And of course, feel perfectly free to overlook any feedback you disagree with.

Quote:They carry with their lineage a strong culture and an oral history that spans several generations....

The Kindred of the Roving Hunt does not keep an extensive collection of its clan's past.

Right off the bat, this is starting with a curiously worded contradiction. The passage starts by describing that the clan doesn't keep a collection of its past, but this section is titled "History"? Â They have an oral tradition spanning several generations, but simultaneously don't have a collection of its past? They have an extensive tradition of recording past events through grandiloquent verbal stories...but don't record past events?

This would be very confusing to anyone reading the details of this clan, so you need to be more extensive and specific when detailing their traditions and properly differentiate "folklore" and "history" in the wording.Â

The KotRH don't maintain a "history": they don't track the specific sequence of events, they don't verify whether or not events in the past actually happened, and they don't analyze how or why certain things in their past happened. But they do have stories which may or may not be exaggerated or fictional, they do have fables that teach morals that may have happened, and they tell these stories orally. This is a distinction you should make to the reader so that this kind of contradiction doesn't confuse them.

Example:Â "What the clan lacks in accurate recollections of its antiquity, it makes up for with a rich and extensive mythology, passed down from generation to generation with dramatic oral stories. Prodigious parables of magnificent beasts being slain on ambitious hunts, comprehensive chronicles of discovering new, wondrous lands teeming with wildlife, and sensational sagas about the clan's heroes in battle are shared, exaggerated, and respected by all."

Quote:The tribe is no stranger to competing with other tribes over land and food. Its people are respectful when they know they are in the wrong, such as unknowingly crossing into the hunting grounds of another tribe, but they are also fiercely defensive. A Xaela of the Kindred of the Roving Hunt would never admit that they are wrong if they do not truly believe they are. They would not even admit that they might be wrong. There is wrong, there is right, and there is little room for debate. Needless to say, it can prove difficult to cooperate with other tribes.

Alright, so I'm a paragraph into this section titled "History" and have yet to read any actual history. This summary is telling me about their cultural behaviours and some boundaries, but I've yet to see any...well, history. It would be a good idea for this section to open with the first major event the clan can recall, especially after establishing their ties with folklore. A story about how they were founded, about their first hunter, their first conflict, something that will make me intrigued to keep reading about their history, rather than just a description of their morality that has nothing to do with their past and does not establish how that morality came to be.

Quote:History never restrained the surviving members before, nor would it now. If swearing loyalty to another tribe or fleeing their homeland meant survival, they would not hesitate to do so. While history may not bind the survivors to the tribe, one thing will: the everlasting will to always move forward.

Okay, so my question here is: what's the current status of the tribe? They had three options to either look for survivors, be absorbed into another tribe, or to strike out on their own. The passage isn't clear on what decision they made. I'm assuming they chose the third option, but I'm not completely certain.

Quote:Overall, the Kindred of the Roving Hunt is a tribe with a culture thatâ€”while similar to other tribesâ€”is unique and powerful.

Okay, so a couple of things here, mostly about phrasing and word choice. Firstly, you can't tell us that the KotRH are unique, because you literally just told us in the same sentence that their cultural is similar to other tribes. I would have you rewrite this sentence.

Example: "Though their traditions may overlap with those of other neighbouring tribes, their way of life manages to be distinctly different among the many wandering clans of Othard."

Secondly: they have a "powerful" culture? Define what "powerful" mean in this context? This requires clarification and specifics. The clan itself can't be powerful, because you just told us in the last paragraph that they were broken by the Garleans. Is their culture influential? Does the culture strictly govern the members of the clan? Are its members respected by other tribes such that their traditions are perceived as "stronger"? Is the culture widespread? How can that be possible if they are supposedly unique and also reduced to less than 50% of their original population by Garlemald's conquest?

Quote:Gatherers will usually extract seeds from any wild vegetables and berries that they find to plant while journeying to ensure that the area does not run dry of produce for when they return.

Some clarification could be useful here. So they basically rotate? Do they travel in cycles, or is this a "just in case" kind of thing if they happen to stumble back into the same area by chance?

Quote:Members of the tribe dress for usefulness, not for fashion. They wear no more and no less than exactly what they need. Or rather, theyâ€™re taught not to, but they are still free to do as they please.

So if they just do as they please in regards to how they dress, what was the purpose of telling us that they are taught and expected to dress in a utilitarian manner? This is an example of the "powerful culture" statement above being confusing, since this it's pretty clear that the members of the clan disregard tradition and more or less do whatever they want.

Quote:...than their Eorzean counterparts on average.

Wait, what are you referring to here? Eorzean members of the KotRH? Eorzean Xaela? The Raen?

Quote:...but the color of a Xaelaâ€™s skin does not matter outside of who their long-dead ancestor might be.

I'm confused by how this is written. So the colour of an individual clan member's skin doesn't matter...but their ancestor does? I thought this tribe didn't place any importance on being tied down by history?

Quote:There is always something to hunt, and the hunters do love their hunting. It is a source of food, pride, and entertainment for them. However, they only hunt carnivores â€“ beasts that will want to kill and devour them if they fail, for sport. They see it as fair game if the hunted is also a hunter. Prey hunted for sport is left after performing the ritual so that scavengers may have a meal. The tribespeople only take trophies of their hunts if it was exceptionally impressive, and it is seen as a great sign of respect to the hunted to take a trophy.

This section should be moved into "Hunting".

Quote:The tribespeople do not follow traditional relationships.

Incredibly minor nitpick, but this sentence is meaningless since "traditional" doesn't have any significance in this summary. Based off of who's traditions? Eorzea's?

So in conclusion: fairly solid and simple to understand concept with no real glaring holes or errors and an easily workable outline that can be adopted by multiple people. I would suggest going into even more detail to better define and flesh out the concept. How do they punish crimes or wrongdoing? How independent are its members expected to be? What are some of the stories they have? When they enter conflict with another tribe, how do they conduct warfare? What are some of the roles an average member of the clan might be expected to fulfill? Etc.

Keep asking questions to yourself about this tribe and how it operates, the more detailed the better, and show, don't tell. Don't just tell us that the tribe is made up of skilled hunters, write a legend about how a hunter stalked its prey relentlessly for a fortnight before driving it into a masterfully described trap. Don't just tell us that they respect the animals they work with, write a tale about the bond that a clan member shared with their partner and how they relied on one another.

Keep at it and I'm sure you can polish this to something with a mirror shine.

Hotpocket · **06-14-2015, 04:44 PM**

@Nero:

I'll make sure not to ban your Vaulters just because of the wonderful feedback~Â

Quote:Right off the bat, this is starting with a curiously worded contradiction.Â

I just knew that there was something like that in there. I don't know why, but I just knew I was going to contradict myself somewhere and totally miss it. Your example of how you would word it is nice, but a bit too grandiose for myself.

Quote:Alright, so I'm a paragraph into this section titled "History" and have yet to read any actual history.Â

That would be because I originally planned on including history, but chose not to, and then forgot to change the header. My bad.Â

Quote:Okay, so my question here is: what's the current status of the tribe?

Intentionally left vague, but I can see how that would be confusing. The members fled in many different directions and didn't exactly have a plan ready for meeting back up. Some of the members that escaped in a group might have tried rebuilding the tribe, while others--such as my own character--struck out on their own.Â

Quote:Firstly, you can't tell us that the KotRH are unique, because you literally just told us in the same sentence that their cultural is similar to other tribes. I would have you rewrite this sentence.Â

Could you not say that about everything in existence then? There is not a single human being alive that is 100% like nor unlike somebody else. The same goes for countries and cultures. One could say that America and Canada are similar, but each one is unique. It depends on how deeply you wish to look into each tribe. On a larger scale, they're all just tribes from the same general area. No uniqueness there. On a smaller scale, you begin to notice the differences between tribes and see that each one is unique. However, I understand that it's still good critique in terms of writing. I'm sure my own professor would've gotten on my case about that had he read it. Another nice example, but I try to cut down on wordiness when I see it.

Quote:The clan itself can't be powerful, because you just told us in the last paragraph that they were broken by the Garleans.

Valid point. I need to make it more clear that everything after the "History" section is pre-rekt-by-Garleans.Â

Quote:Some clarification could be useful here. So they basically rotate? Do they travel in cycles, or is this a "just in case" kind of thing if they happen to stumble back into the same area by chance?

It's a little bit of both. They generally just move randomly to any prosperous areas that their scouts find, but they always know that--should they need to--there are areas they can return to that they've prepared with plants.Â

Quote:So if they just do as they please in regards to how they dress, what was the purpose of telling us that they are taught and expected to dress in a utilitarian manner?

Again, I can see how my wording may be confusing there. They are taught the benefits of not wearing too much clothing/armor, and don't have much interest in dressing up for the sake of looking nice, but they are still free to do as they please. We teach people not to have sex without condoms, but that doesn't mean that they're going to do it. The purpose of saying that was to give a standard for how they dress. The majority do not dress for fashion, but there are bound to be some that want to. Just look at Monster Hunter for example. There's people that dress for stats, and then there's people that dress for fashion.

Quote:Wait, what are you referring to here? Eorzean members of the KotRH? Eorzean Xaela? The Raen?

"The people wear less clothing, and the hunters wear less armor, than their Eorzean counterparts on average." I can see how you are confused, but I believe that--with context--it is clear that it's referring to Eorzean people/hunters as a whole compared to KotRH people/hunters.

Quote:I'm confused by how this is written. So the colour of an individual clan member's skin doesn't matter...but their ancestor does? I thought this tribe didn't place any importance on being tied down by history?

What I'm trying to say is that it might mean they're related to the descendants of the tribe, which is cool and all, but they don't really care. They don't even know for sure if there's any truth to that. It's just a "Oh, you're red. So you one of 'dem descendants' kids eh? That's coo'. So, about that booty." If I see somebody that's black, it would be safe for me to assume they have African heritage somewhere down the line. That doesn't mean that their heritage is going to matter to me, nor am I going to treat them better (or worse) than somebody with a different skin color.Â

Quote:This section should be moved into "Hunting".

Fair enough.

Quote:Incredibly minor nitpick, but this sentence is meaningless since "traditional" doesn't have any significance in this summary. Based off of who's traditions? Eorzea's?

You are definitely like an obnoxious English teacher, but that's a good thing! Well, it's a good thing as long as you're not like that in a RP. Then you'd just be a killjoy unless they want to be critiqued every post.Â

Quote:show, don't tell.Â

Â Please, you're going to give me PSTD flashbacks from my old professor if you say that! All you're missing now is promoting active voice over passive voice and somethingsomething MLA citations!

Anyways, I appreciate all the feedback and will definitely be making some changes while waiting in queues. I probably won't go more into detail/ask myself more questions, though. This was really just a worldbuilding exercise for myself and just serves as a reference point for my character's profile, which I really have to start working on.

***Nero*** · **06-14-2015, 05:12 PM**

(06-14-2015, 04:44 PM)Hotpocket Wrote: Could you not say that about everything in existence then? There is not a single human being alive that is 100% like nor unlike somebody else. The same goes for countries and cultures. One could say that America and Canada are similar, but each one is unique. It depends on how deeply you wish to look into each tribe. On a larger scale, they're all just tribes from the same general area. No uniqueness there. On a smaller scale, you begin to notice the differences between tribes and see that each one is unique.

My objection to the word choice is based off the literal definition of "unique", that is, something that is completely one-of-a-kind in every facet. I don't particularly like the usage of the word because you're absolutely right: there is practically nothing in human culture--and by extension, human fiction--that is unique by its purely technical definition, which is exactly what I avoid that word, and instead would rather use the word "distinctive" or describe something by its characteristics rather than saying it's unique. Something that says that "This is the ways in which it differs from others", without saying "This is totally unlike anything else".

It really is just a nitpick about the word choice, but that's my reasoning behind it.

I'd like to reiterate that the concept itself is pretty much bedrock, but I am anally retentive and have an excessive eye for detail, the ultimate combination of traits to nitpick. A bit of very minor revision would help make the presentation of your idea as smooth as the idea itself.

Hotpocket · **06-14-2015, 05:30 PM**

(06-14-2015, 05:12 PM)Nero Wrote: My objection to the word choice is based off the literal definition of "unique", that is, something that is completely one-of-a-kind in every facet. I don't particularly like the usage of the word because you're absolutely right: there is practically nothing in human culture--and by extension, human fiction--that is unique by its purely technical definition, which is exactly what I avoid that word, and instead would rather use the word "distinctive" or describe something by its characteristics rather than saying it's unique. Something that says that "This is the ways in which it differs from others", without saying "This is totally unlike anything else".

Good point~ Even so, one could argue that the combination of qualities and individual ideas is what makes the tribe unique. Once more, it depends on how deep you want to go (and if you want to get into the whole cultural/modern definition vs literal dictionary definition argument). I will agree, however, that "distinctive" is a much better choice for writing and will make sure to change it! Thank you once again for being so thorough~

Aaron · **06-14-2015, 06:39 PM**

No one ever cares about Raen xDÂ

This is a fun read however.

banndsand · **06-15-2015, 12:19 AM**

Wow, very interesting! It gives me many ideas for my character... who maybe could have been a part of this tribe possibly with your permission? *beaming smile*
Though that depends on how he and the official lore turn out. But anyway, very nice job! I was pleasantly surprised at the quantity as well as quality! :D

Hotpocket · **06-15-2015, 01:32 AM**

(06-15-2015, 12:19 AM)banndsand Wrote: Â who maybe could have been a part of this tribe possibly with your permission? *beaming smile*

You are very much welcome to! Anybody is free to use the tribe to help build their characters' backstories.

Feedback wanted; Xaela tribe

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes