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ZodiacRaen · **09-06-2016, 03:39 AM**

Hey I'm new to RP and I want some feedback on this backstory.

Luna Starshield (Born Lu'naha Aeg'Celes)
Early years
Luna doesn't remember her clan home, though she had heard stories from her mother and father. Her father was a quiet and imposing man, but kind and warm. Her mother was selfless and always helped those in need, even if they didn't return the kindness. Her brother was loud and boisterous, opposed to her quiet and shy temperament. Her father always joked that while her brother was a blazing sun, she was the glowing moon. She claims Ishgard as her birthplace since that is where she made her first memories. "Some hole in the Brume" she would say with a slight frown tugging athe her lips. Her father had rescued the son of a nobleman and was begrudgingly granted asylum. Regardless of her father's deed, she was spat on every day. "Dravanian trash! Scaled whore!" They would yell at her as they threw stones. Her mother and father received death threats daily, her brother came home with bruises, almost constantly. One day the knights came and accused her family of heresy and would stand trial to answer for their crimes. Her father didn't resist, but turned to little Lu'Naha and took off his wristlet. "This is the legacy of our line, which I leave to you, my little moon." Her mother did the same as well, removing her necklace. "May the white keep you, my little star." The knights took her family and put them on trial, finding them guilty and sentencing them to death. Lu'Naha watched as her family was hanged, and listened to the crowd cheer. A group of knights had cornered her after the execution and said it was her turn to pay for her sins, so she ran with them in close pursuit. She fled across the Steps of Faith and into the snow, never looking back.

The VoidÂ
Lu'Naha, or rather Luna now, spent a better part of two years wandering. She went from Coerthas to the Shroud and into the borders of Thanalan. After some time she got reckless and found herself kidnapped by a group of cultists. They imprisoned her and sent her to The Shroud, where they were planning on sacrificing her to their mistress, a succubus named Lu'Ventras. They almost succeeded, but the Seedseers had sent the Wood Wailers to end the right. They had wanted Luna for her latent magic power, so their mistress could take her and devour her, giving the voidsent strength enough to open a rift. Due to the interruption of the right, the voidsent was trapped inside of Luna's body, leaving Luna in a state of comatose.Â

The Legacy of Lu'Naha
Luna awakened some time later in the care of an old Wood Wailer, named Darmen. She was weakened past moving and Darmen caught her up on what she had missed. He says she was brought before the Elder Seedseer and the voidsent was to be expelled. As they attempted to remove Lu'Ventras, the succubus drew upon Luna's aether and eventually her lifeforce in order to resist, using her body as a puppet. Eventually it was discovered the more the succubus drew upon Luna's lifeforce, the weaker it became, until it collapsed. It was then assumed that the aether of the succubus and her host were now bonded, one needing the other to survive. Luna was to be nursed back to health and dealt with after she had recovered. Taking all this in, Luna became aware of a voice in her mind, telling her that it was an unfortunate arrangement, but one that couldn't be helped. After a few months of rehabilitation and healing sessions, Luna was strong enough to set out on her own. After speaking with Darmen, Luna went to see the Elder Seedseer. When she arrived she was greeted by a white haired Miqo'te named Y'mhithra. She was told that the necklace given to her by her mother, and the wristlet by her father, were in fact soul crystals of the White Mage and Summoner respectively. Should she accept, Luna would be taught to become a White Mage or Summoner. Luna steeled her resolve and said yes, soliciting a glow from both crystals, and a laugh from Lu'Ventras.

Forging Ahead
Many summers had passed and Luna had matured into a fine young Raen. Her lessons with the Miqo'te had seen her summoning the likeness of Ifrit, Garuda, and Titan. Her time with the Padjal had taught her powerful healing spells and potent offensive magic. On occasion she would take up the lance and pick up a few things from Darmen. She had learned to live with the succubus within her, although she couldn't completely repress her. In times of great exhaustion, lack of aether, or emotional breaks, the succubus could assume control. At those times she could be very flirtatious and even promiscuous, leaving for many days at a time and returning on the arm of a traveling merchant, only to snap back to herself and chastise herself for losing control. Darmen had become a father figure to her and Kan-E-Senna a mother. When she completed her training, she bid her friends and mentors a tearful goodbye. She packed her bag and her grimoire, took up her staff and lance, and set out to carry on what remained of her family legacy. She had made something of a name for herself, aiding and helping those she came across however she could. Soon her past had come back to haunt her. She was in Coerthas when she heard screams for help. She ran to the source and fought off a dragon that was attempting to kill a knight. As it fled the knight recognized her. "You're that Dravanian scum what ran all them years back. Couldn't help but run after we killed your heretic family?" Using this as an opportunity to truly feed, the succubus brought forth all the memories and emotions Luna had locked away. Unprepared for the assault, Luna quickly succumbed to rage and hatred, Â letting the succubus take control. In an instant, her hands were on his throat, draining his aether. By the time Luna wrestled control away from Lu'Ven the knight was beyond saving. She left him in the snow and knew she couldn't stay. She decided to travel to Ul'dah, and see what fate awaited her there. Lu'Ven simply chuckled and agreed. In the end, she would get what she wanted, Â one way or another.

Sorry it's so long. Feel free to leave any comments, critiques, or suggestions. Every little bit helps! Thank you!

Serenity · **09-08-2016, 01:14 PM**

I know you!

Max · **09-08-2016, 04:21 PM**

obligatory 'inb4' disclaimer:

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Okay, here's my feedback! This isn't coming from a bad place, so I apologize in advance if any of my critiques affects you negatively.

Quote:She claims Ishgard as her birthplace since that is where she made her first memories. "Some hole in the Brume" she would say with a slight frown tugging athe her lips. Her father had rescued the son of a nobleman and was begrudgingly granted asylum.

I'm not well-versed in Au Ra lore so I could be wrong about this, but iirc the Raen Clan are closely related to Doma over in Othard. Now, I'm not saying that her family can't have immigrated to the Holy See, but I do think you should explain how and why her family is seeking asylum. It's a long ways from home.

Quote:Regardless of her father's deed, she was spat on every day. "Dravanian trash! Scaled whore!" They would yell at her as they threw stones. Her mother and father received death threats daily, her brother came home with bruises, almost constantly.

Again, this warrants a more thorough backstory because as I'm reading this I'm wondering why the father would retire his family to such a place. They're being spat on, emotionally / verbally / physically abused, and their lives are being threatened on a daily basis. How dire is their situation that they find themselves completely stuck in Ishgard? Why choose to stay?

Quote:One day the knights came and accused her family of heresy and would stand trial to answer for their crimes. The knights took her family and put them on trial, finding them guilty and sentencing them to death. Lu'Naha watched as her family was hanged, A group of knights had cornered her after the execution and said it was her turn to pay for her sins.

I would either rewrite this entire part of her story or scrap it altogether. There's way too many holes that don't make a whole lotta sense. Firstly, why is SHE exempt from the accusation? You say her family, yet the way it's portrayed it's like she isn't a member of said family, since she isn't being punished alongside them. If these accusations are false and just a plot from the Church to root them out, why wouldn't they just execute the entire family and be done with it (or better yet, just banish the outlanders from the city)? Why not have Luna up there on the gallows as well if they're just going to accuse her immediately afterwards?

Another thing about this is, if this was their plan then Luna should've been in custody. The Church is being portrayed as grossly incompetent in this story.

Quote: she ran with them in close pursuit. She fled across the Steps of Faith and into the snow, never looking back.

Again, she should've been in custody if this was their plan. She shouldn't of been able to escape. Ishgard is heavily gated and fortified. This isn't plausible. Also, Coerthas hasn't always been a snowy wasteland, so there might be some issues with her timeline.

Quote:The Void

Completely of my opinion, but many people who go the Void-touched route go into it with a gross underestimation of the effects of possession. Being tempered by voidsent is, ICly, very very serious and should be treated as such. NPCs and the like won't want you anywhere near their cities, especially an isolated and oft time xenophobic place like Gridania. In 1.0, the slightest touch of woodsin alone was enough to get the city up and arms about your being there.

I really don't think that Gridania of all places would lug a potentially voidsent outsider (of a foreign race they'd never seen before) to their city to nurse back to health. The Elementals, I fear, would have a huge problem with that.

Quote:He says she was brought before the Elder Seedseer and the voidsent was to be expelled.

I'd personally refrain from using NPCs of importance in your backstory, it's a bit of a turnoff to some.
Also I'd like to point out that depending on your character's timeline and age, Kan-E-Senna wasn't always the Elder Seedseer. Back in 1.0, Brother E-Sumi was pretty much the HPIC (Head Padjal in Charge). Kan-E and her siblings, like most other Padjal, lived out in the wood with very scarce contact with others. I believe that was around 5-6 years ago from our current events.

Quote:succubus and her host were now bonded, one needing the other to survive. Luna went to see the Elder Seedseer. *She met Y'mhithra. She was told that the necklace given to her by her mother, and the wristlet by her father, were in fact soul crystals of the White Mage and Summoner respectively. Should she accept, Luna would be taught to become a White Mage or Summoner. Luna said yes.

Again, it's hard for me to imagine that Gridania would harbor a voidsent in spite of the elementals and not just outright kill Luna after failing to purge the succubus.

If you ever played the THM storyline, one of the Coco brothers gets possessed by a voidsent and they were fully prepared to kill him if they couldn't exorcise the demon. It's a morbid reality but that's how it goes.

It makes absolutely no sense that Luna's parents would have a soul crystal for white magic, and that Seedseers would just allow a void-touched stranger to keep it. White Magic is so INSANELY unique and gifted upon Padjals by the Elementals. There is absolutely no way the Elementals would bestow succor to a void-touched outlander.

Roleplaying a white mage under any circumstances is considered a bit taboo in the community, just due to how special and unique they are.

Quote:Luna had matured into a fine young Raen. lessons with the Miqo'te. Her time with the Padjal had taught her powerful healing spells and potent offensive magic. Darmen had become a father figure to her and Kan-E-Senna a mother.

Again, I'd like to re-emphasize that utilizing important NPCs in your backstory so intimately will be a turn off to many. Y'mhitra's apprentice? Kan-E-Stepmommy? Noooooooooooooope.

Quote:She had learned to live with the succubus within her, although she couldn't completely repress her. In times of great exhaustion, lack of aether, or emotional breaks, the succubus could assume control. she could be very flirtatious and even promiscuous, leaving and returning on the arm of traveling merchant

IIRC Voidsent are only concerned with consuming as much aether as they can. They thrive on aether. So unless Luna is low-key eating these merchants, I don't think the control lapses should exist unless you really plan on showcasing the dread of a voidsent takeover. She should be at the center of Tam-Tara Deepcroft with the flying head of her fiance.

Quote:She packed her bag and her grimoire, took up her staff and lance,

To briefly come back to this point: There's no shame in humbling her abilities. The meta-game allows us multiple classes on a single character, but realistically mastering or even becoming competent in just one would take many years of practice. Her being a summoner / white mage / lancer is WAY too much. She either should be an arcanist, conjurer, or lancer.

Quote:Soon her past had come back to haunt her. brought forth all the memories and emotions Luna had locked away. Unprepared for the assault, Luna quickly succumbed to rage and hatred

CRAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIN.

I jest I jest!

Ok, in closing this is what I'd do.
- If insistent on Ishgard backstory, elaborate on past and cover up holes for plausibility.
- Completely get rid of the voidsent plotline. Change 'Lu'Ventras' into a chocobo or something.
- Pay closer attention to her timeline. Remember, Eorzea isn't stagnant. A lot of things occur over the course of several years.
- Humble her abilities. She should have one specialty that stems from the base classes. Conjurer, Lancer, Arcanist, etc.
- Get rid of the important NPC's in Luna's story. Replace them with OC's.
- Change her birth name into something that sounds more Raen-ish. 'Lu'naha Aeg'Celes' doesn't sound like it follows the Raen naming conventions. I could be wrong though(?)

I also suggest consulting with Sounsyy for help with better lore compliance! She helped me out a long time ago with several questions I had.

ZodiacRaen · **09-08-2016, 04:38 PM**

(09-08-2016, 04:21 PM)Max Wrote: obligatory 'inb4' disclaimer:

Show Content

SpoilerRP Whatever you want and you shouldn't let critiques sway you from what you truly want to roleplay blah blah

Okay, here's my feedback! This isn't coming from a bad place, so I apologize in advance if any of my critiques affects you negatively.

Quote:She claims Ishgard as her birthplace since that is where she made her first memories. "Some hole in the Brume" she would say with a slight frown tugging athe her lips. Her father had rescued the son of a nobleman and was begrudgingly granted asylum.
I'm not well-versed in Au Ra lore so I could be wrong about this, but iirc the Raen Clan are closely related to Doma over in Othard. Now, I'm not saying that her family can't have immigrated to the Holy See, but I do think you should explain how and why her family is seeking asylum. It's a long ways from home.

Quote:Regardless of her father's deed, she was spat on every day. "Dravanian trash! Scaled whore!" They would yell at her as they threw stones. Her mother and father received death threats daily, her brother came home with bruises, almost constantly.
Again, this warrants a more thorough backstory because as I'm reading this I'm wondering why the father would retire his family to such a place. They're being spat on, emotionally / verbally / physically abused, and their lives are being threatened on a daily basis. How dire is their situation that they find themselves completely stuck in Ishgard? Why choose to stay?

Quote:One day the knights came and accused her family of heresy and would stand trial to answer for their crimes. The knights took her family and put them on trial, finding them guilty and sentencing them to death. Lu'Naha watched as her family was hanged, A group of knights had cornered her after the execution and said it was her turn to pay for her sins.

I would either rewrite this entire part of her story or scrap it altogether. There's way too many holes that don't make a whole lotta sense. Firstly, why is SHE exempt from the accusation? You say her family, yet the way it's portrayed it's like she isn't a member of said family, since she isn't being punished alongside them. If these accusations are false and just a plot from the Church to root them out, why wouldn't they just execute the entire family and be done with it (or better yet, just banish the outlanders from the city)? Why not have Luna up there on the gallows as well if they're just going to accuse her immediately afterwards?

Another thing about this is, if this was their plan then Luna should've been in custody. The Church is being portrayed as grossly incompetent in this story.

Quote: she ran with them in close pursuit. She fled across the Steps of Faith and into the snow, never looking back.
Again, she should've been in custody if this was their plan. She shouldn't of been able to escape. Ishgard is heavily gated and fortified. This isn't plausible. Also, Coerthas hasn't always been a snowy wasteland, so there might be some issues with her timeline.

Quote:The Void
Completely of my opinion, but many people who go the Void-touched route go into it with a gross underestimation of the effects of possession. Being tempered by voidsent is, ICly, very very serious and should be treated as such. NPCs and the like won't want you anywhere near their cities, especially an isolated and oft time xenophobic place like Gridania. In 1.0, the slightest touch of woodsin alone was enough to get the city up and arms about your being there.

I really don't think that Gridania of all places would lug a potentially voidsent outsider (of a foreign race they'd never seen before) to their city to nurse back to health. The Elementals, I fear, would have a huge problem with that. Â

Quote:He says she was brought before the Elder Seedseer and the voidsent was to be expelled.
I'd personally refrain from using NPCs of importance in your backstory, it's a bit of a turnoff to some.
Also I'd like to point out that depending on your character's timeline and age, Kan-E-Senna wasn't always the Elder Seedseer. Back in 1.0, Brother E-Sumi was pretty much the HPIC (Head Padjal in Charge). Kan-E and her siblings, like most other Padjal, lived out in the wood with very scarce contact with others. I believe that was around 5-6 years ago from our current events.

Quote:succubus and her host were now bonded, one needing the other to survive. Luna went to see the Elder Seedseer. *She met Y'mhithra. She was told that the necklace given to her by her mother, and the wristlet by her father, were in fact soul crystals of the White Mage and Summoner respectively. Should she accept, Luna would be taught to become a White Mage or Summoner. Luna said yes.
Again, it's hard for me to imagine that Gridania would harbor a voidsent in spite of the elementals and not just outright kill Luna after failing to purge the succubus.

If you ever played the THM storyline, one of the Coco brothers gets possessed by a voidsent and they were fully prepared to kill him if they couldn't exorcise the demon. It's a morbid reality but that's how it goes.

It makes absolutely no sense that Luna's parents would have a soul crystal for white magic, and that Seedseers would just allow a void-touched stranger to keep it. White Magic is so INSANELY unique and gifted upon Padjals by the Elementals. There is absolutely no way the Elementals would bestow succor to a void-touched outlander.

Roleplaying a white mage under any circumstances is considered a bit taboo in the community, just due to how special and unique they are.

Quote:Luna had matured into a fine young Raen. lessons with the Miqo'te. Her time with the Padjal had taught her powerful healing spells and potent offensive magic. Darmen had become a father figure to her and Kan-E-Senna a mother.
Again, I'd like to re-emphasize that utilizing important NPCs in your backstory so intimately will be a turn off to many. Y'mhitra's apprentice? Kan-E-Stepmommy? Noooooooooooooope.

Quote:She had learned to live with the succubus within her, although she couldn't completely repress her. In times of great exhaustion, lack of aether, or emotional breaks, the succubus could assume control. she could be very flirtatious and even promiscuous, leaving and returning on the arm of traveling merchant
IIRC Voidsent are only concerned with consuming as much aether as they can. They thrive on aether. So unless Luna is low-key eating these merchants, I don't think the control lapses should exist unless you really plan on showcasing the dread of a voidsent takeover. She should be at the center of Tam-Tara Deepcroft with the flying head of her fiance.

Quote:She packed her bag and her grimoire, took up her staff and lance,
To briefly come back to this point: There's no shame in humbling her abilities. The meta-game allows us multiple classes on a single character, but realistically mastering or even becoming competent in just one would take many years of practice. Her being a summoner / white mage / lancer is WAY too much. She either should be an arcanist, conjurer, or lancer.

Quote:Soon her past had come back to haunt her. brought forth all the memories and emotions Luna had locked away. Unprepared for the assault, Luna quickly succumbed to rage and hatred
CRAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIN.

I jest I jest!

Ok, in closing this is what I'd do.
- If insistent on Ishgard backstory, elaborate on past and cover up holes for plausibility.
- Completely get rid of the voidsent plotline. Change 'Lu'Ventras' into a chocobo or something.
- Pay closer attention to her timeline. Remember, Eorzea isn't stagnant. A lot of things occur over the course of several years.
- Humble her abilities. She should have one specialty that stems from the base classes. Conjurer, Lancer, Arcanist, etc. Â
- Get rid of the important NPC's in Luna's story. Replace them with OC's. Â
- Change her birth name into something that sounds more Raen-ish. 'Lu'naha Aeg'Celes' doesn't sound like it follows the Raen naming conventions. I could be wrong though(?)

I also suggest consulting with Sounsyy for help with better lore compliance! She helped me out a long time ago with several questions I had.

I didn't take any of this negatively and I appreciate the critiques. I still have a butt ton of fact checking to do, so thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'll be sure to put together a more coherent line next time!

Max · **09-08-2016, 05:02 PM**

Np! I'd like to take back something I said though, saying that I'd completely get rid of the voidsent plotline.

I think the void-touched thing can still be done, just that the execution would require some polishing.

IIRC, A succubus will inject her soul into the deceased body of a woman. So a suggestion/example would be that Luna was near death during the ritual -- fooling the cultists into believing that she was dead, only to unknowingly insert Lu'Ventras' soul into the truly-alive Raen, which caused the body-sharing conundrum.
I'd also have Lu'Ventras' influence become a more apparent staple in Luna's mind and personality. So that the presence of the succubus is felt rather obviously and oft negatively, instead of a thing where it's like "O, that's just my voidsent personality quirk!"

SicketySix · **09-08-2016, 05:27 PM**

Also keep in mind that voidsent are pretty much "kill on site" and when a person is possessed by the voidsent, they completely lose themselves to it and are driven insane. There wouldn't be a shard of humanity left after awhile and currently no cure/ritual to call it out. The only way to cure it would be to kill the body of it's host....you.

ZodiacRaen · **09-08-2016, 05:35 PM**

(09-08-2016, 05:02 PM)Max Wrote: Np! I'd like to take back something I said though, saying that I'd completely get rid of the voidsent plotline.

I think the void-touched thing can still be done, just that the execution would require some polishing.

IIRC, A succubus will inject her soul into the deceased body of a woman. So a suggestion/example would be that Luna was near death during the ritual -- fooling the cultists into believing that she was dead, only to unknowingly insert Lu'Ventras' soul into the truly-alive Raen, which caused the body-sharing conundrum.
I'd also have Lu'Ventras' influence become a more apparent staple in Luna's mind and personality. So that the presence of the succubus is felt rather obviously and oft negatively, instead of a thing where it's like "O, that's just my voidsent personality quirk!"

Yeah that makes more sense. I think I'll keep this plotline and raze the rest. Start from the ground up and actually do some research first haha. Thanks again for helping.

ZodiacRaen · **09-08-2016, 05:36 PM**

(09-08-2016, 01:14 PM)Serenity Wrote: I know you!

Hey!

Caspar · **09-08-2016, 06:16 PM**

If it would be useful to you, try to consider the significance of each plot thread or concept to the character. The oppression angle (which could be done with Garlemald too, as an idea, not just Ishgard), the obligation to a family of higher class, the Voidsent possession, the various jobs she picks up. Weigh their importance and ask what you're planning on doing in the future with them, and try to determine what will be most important to the stuff you want to RP. In doing this it should be easier to discern which concepts mesh well with your character's story, especially for future development, and which you could probably still make an interesting character without. Complexity is fine so long as there is a thematic or narrative correlation between the two. The Voidsent posession and battle for control is a story in and of itseld, while the oppression and running away early in childhood is also a story. Perhaps try to find a way to meld various plot ideas that are self-contained into one cohesive story and grow into whatever it is you end up needing to cut through later RP? She could, for instance, get posessed through in game interactions with other players, like on an adventure or quest, etc.

Void touched Raen (New backstory)

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