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***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:46 AM**

It has been many suns since I wrote lastâ€¦over a moon in fact. Much has happened.

Weâ€™ve taken on many more members, and with them have come jobs. Jobs that they cannot afford to pay us to do save through working it off. This, I am fine with. Fearlesâ€¦well, he has always been driven by gil. I should not be surprised.

We have taken a few trips as a company since changing our mission. The most memorable was the trip to Moraby Bay. Lenneth remembered waking there, and so we went to search for some clue as to who she might be. Nel came with us, and it was a saving grace as well, for she is skilled as scaling and was able to climb down the cliff face to retrieve a clue. Hopefully it will lead us to something that will help her.

About a fortnight ago, we were attacked at headquarters by some men who appeared to be Garlean. They were looking for Leon, although why, I cannot say. I am deeply embarrassed that I could not do more for my employees. Even though the men were outnumbered, their skills and their weapons were no match for us, scattered, scared, and surprised. I took a bullet in the shoulder, and others were injured far worse. Elriche and Eva came at Nelâ€™s request to helpâ€¦Thank the Twelve she was around. We would not have made it out of that battle with as little injuries as we did, if it were not for Elriche and Evaâ€™s healing skills.

Since then, most of our work has ceased while everyone recovers. Nel has stopped by a few times to talk. It is nice to have someone to speak with at length. She is a good woman. I wish I could let her know how much I appreciate her friendship. Zenge was feeling guilty for a while for not being able to protect me during the attack. It is not his fault.

In other news, we have been approached by two other companies for possible jobs in the future. The Everwatch and Archavalon. I will go to their meetings and read their contracts and mull over the idea. It would be good for business, no matter how much the company will grumble at having to help him.

The question is, how much will I grumble?Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:46 AM**

Alothia smirks and jots down some words in her journal.

"Corvus Cinis, while young in comparison to some organizations present today, pushes itself to new heights at every turn. They make it their personal responsibility to uncover the truth on behalf of their clients. Tis truly a remarkable relationship that other companies out there may have difficulty creating with their clients. We all can stand to learn much from this new blood."

Thatâ€™s what the Mavanix house thinks of us. It made me blushâ€¦

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:46 AM**

There is a smattering of words and phrases hastily scrawled on this page, haphazardly.

Loveâ€¦what is it?
How to convey that in a song?
Can I even think to put it into words?
heartbeats

fluttering
falling
terror

vulnerability

power?
struggle
betrayal

lust/love
feelings

validity?
changeable- definitely something to think aboutâ€¦Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:47 AM**

Moons pass
Suns pass
Turns pass
It all seems an endless cycle.

The loneliness, it sets in
I feel it in my bones
I look around
Searching,
Yet I find nothing.

Where did they all go?
In this season of togetherness,
It seems that I am all alone
Abandoned by the family
I had fashioned for myself.

I sit
I think
I wonder
I ponderâ€¦

Would they even notice if I was gone?Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:47 AM**

Itâ€™s been a long time since Iâ€™ve written anything meaningfulâ€¦

I just donâ€™t feel myself any more. I feel as if the world is passing me by, and here I sit, looking at the flickering shadows on the wall, and I feel so alone.

When the Starlight festival happened, many of the people here left to spend time with their families. Zenge ran off on a scouting mission with others from the Adder, to gain intelligence on those damned Garleansâ€¦not many people have returned.

Kass is still here, so her and I spend time in front of the fire, reading or talking. Miyu comes around and I talk with her for a while. It seems as if sheâ€™s taken up with Ravenâ€¦itâ€™s nice to see her so happy. Itâ€™s been a long time since Iâ€™ve seen her that happyâ€¦if anyone deserves a distraction, itâ€™s Miyu.

Trying to find a distraction myself, I finally left the building for more than a few ticks the other sun. I had seen that Mister Verence had posted a notice about the AETHER academy having an informational meeting. I figured it would be good to maybe see about taking a few classes here and there.

I have to say, however, that my mind couldnâ€™t quite focus on the speeches being made. Instead, I was a bundle of emotionsâ€¦Oskar was there. I had no idea what happened to himâ€¦but he looked horrible. As much as he has hurt me, as angry as I was at himâ€¦I could not bring myself to see him looking so frail. Oskar, that pillar of strength, has crumbled to a shadow of what he once was. He walks with a cane, his beard has grown out, and Twelve, he looks tired. He asked about Zenge and in return I inquired after Deirdreâ€¦it seemed to pain him so. I canâ€™t stand to see him in pain like that. I worry for him.

After he left, I donâ€™t know how I felt. I felt sad for himâ€¦pity even. Yet I know that he would shun my pity. Heâ€™s not a man to accept feelings like that. And I feel that I would insult him with those feelings. He isâ€¦wasâ€¦so capable. It is difficult to look at him and not see that monster of a man that he once was. It is difficult not to think on these thingsâ€¦

I need to get out more. I began training the Axe with Taelia and Kass the other sun. It was nice to go out and be active again. Iâ€™ll never be as strong as others, but at least with more work, I will not embarrass myself should the time ever come that I need to take up an axe.

It feels good to get out of this room, out of this building. The sun shines still, and that is some comfort. Who knows how many more suns we have left before the sky falls on us all.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:47 AM**

I canâ€™t tell you how many times Iâ€™ve turned the letter over and over in my hands this eve. The parchment is beginning to feel worn in places. I feelâ€¦strange. So long Iâ€™ve been disconnected from the outside world, spending my suns in my room reading, or playing at cards with Kass in the common room. We seem to be the only two in this building. Why wouldnâ€™t it be fitting then, that the one sun that I decide to step out is the one sun that we receive a visitor?
Not that Iâ€™m sad that I missed itâ€¦Iâ€™m not sure what I would have said anyway. Maybe itâ€™s better for both of us that I had time to look over the note. Kass did not seem to know what was inside when she handed it to me. Knowing her fervor with the letter opener, I was surprised to still see it intact, in fact. The thought of her ravaging it with that shortened piece of metal makes me smile though.
Iâ€™ve discussed the proposal with her. She doesnâ€™t seem adverse to it, which is surprising. If we accept, itâ€™ll be interesting to hear what the others have to say about it. It would have to be temporary work, of courseâ€¦for when the others return there will be much to do.

The writing trails off here for a time, as if the writerâ€™s thoughts were drifting and the pen had a mind of its own.

When they returnâ€¦Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:48 AM**

Itâ€™s been moons since I wrote last. It seems as if I bring my pen to paper only when I am not feeling myself. It is saddening to think that if someone finds this some sun, they will know me for a melodramatic, melancholy individual. Ah well.

Everyone, well mostly everyone, is back from their breaks. There is a strong absence in the headquarters with Fearless missing. I believe that he desired to stay at home with his family and tend the farm. I hope he finds happiness there. Lily is sad that he decided not to come back. I do not blame her. I do not know what I would have done had Zenge not come backâ€¦correction, I know exactly what I would have done. It is better not to speak of it.

Zenge came back a different man. He is no longer around as much, running off to fight this or that, or train, as it were. He is gaining promotions quite quickly, and therefore is often busier than I would like. I miss him. And even when we are together, his sleep is restless. He thinks I do not notice, but he gets up often and sits in the chair in the cornerâ€¦thinking of I know not what. Perhaps he will tell me some sun.

Kass has a new love in her life. I am happy for her. I really am. But because of this, she is leaving the building, and this bothers me. I just wish she had told me sooner. I like Endri, but I have a hard time swallowing that this is happening so fast. Endri knows much of the world, and Kass knows so little. I hope that she guards her heart well. Iâ€™d hate to see this turn into a situation like with Kal.

Speaking of, that was an amusing incident, in retrospect. Iâ€™m afraid I made a fool of myself in front of everyone, threatening Kal like I did. But he shouldnâ€™t have hurt her like he didâ€¦he could have at least written. I swear to the Twelve, should Endricane hurt herâ€¦

Nel and Izzy got married not too long ago. They had two ceremonies, and unfortunately, I could only make the first. They asked me to perform the ceremonyâ€¦I was flattered. I hope I did their words justice. It was a beautiful event. They looked fantastic, and everyone had a great time. Nel also announced that she was pregnant. I was shocked. It was amusing to see the lalafellâ€™s reaction to that revelation.

Ah yes, the lalafell, I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ve written of them. Riku and Miyuki have become our little mascots in a way. Theyâ€™re teenagers who have happened to find employment here at Corvus. They have won my heart, surely. They seem to be so innocent, and yet not at the same time. I wish I could go back to their age. It was a good time.

Business has been rather slow, however, so Iâ€™ve been doing some training myself. Iâ€™m out most of the sun, and tired as hell when I get back. Havenâ€™t really had much time to myself.

I did spend some time in Gridania this sun, however. It was a beautiful day for it. Traveled around the city, buying various things from the vendorsâ€¦none of it was needed, of course. Thereâ€™s just something about spending your gil in the community that you grew up in that brings a little warmth to your heart. The vendors seemed to be having a hard time of it lately. I hope that what I bought could help fund their next meal at least.

Once I was finished with my shopping, I walked by the Fane, inquiring if they needed any services from me. They seemed to be at a lull as well, with all of the adventurerâ€™s storming their doors lately. Most of what they needed was far below my skill level, anyway, so Iâ€™m happy to let the beginning conjurers learn their trade with it. The glow in the Fane was comforting, so I spent some time perusing the library there, looking over the tomes of magic they had, trying to learn what new skills I could. There didnâ€™t seem to be much there, however, that I didnâ€™t know already.

Afterward, I took a trip outside by the pond and sat on a rock, just thinking about things. Mainly feeling bad about the whole Kass thing. It was comforting just being near nature again. I forget how in Ulâ€™Dah how dead everything is. No songs of the elementals in that placeâ€¦itâ€™s as if theyâ€™d forgotten all about that wasteland.

Oskar came by. It wasâ€¦odd seeing him again. Odd and yet comforting. I feel as if he left awfully abruptly. I hope it wasnâ€™t because of anything I saidâ€¦it was an odd conversation though. One fraught with old emotions. I canâ€™t help but feel them some when he is around. As I told him, itâ€™s hard not to fall into those old routines. His eyes were sad, and I felt bad. I hope that things get better between usâ€¦I hate feeling awkward.

He mentioned something about a storytelling that is happening soon. I remember those. They were nice. Perhaps I will try to attendâ€¦Iâ€™m not sitting next to him though.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:48 AM**

Whatâ€™s it like to see the person in the mirror and realize that you have changed on the outside, but that maybe inside you are still the same person you once were?

It all came back to me last eveâ€¦
We were helping out with a training mission with the Everwatch. We were posing as a merc group, the Vultures. We had to bind and capture the Everwatch, we had to torment and humiliate and hurt them. And a part of me enjoyed it. And I am disgusted by it. It reminds me of the person I once was, many, many moons ago. I was a person who wanted power, who craved it. I hurt many people in my quest for it. And I delighted in it.
Hearing Kaileeâ€™s screams as I kicked her to the ground, seeing the fear in her eyes behind her bravadoâ€¦I shudder to think of it. Once the ruse is over, I shall go to them and make amends. Iâ€™m working on a couple of spells to see if I can repair the damage that must have been longset in her knee to cause her such pain. Maybe out of this, I can atone for it.

But thatâ€™s not the whole of it. It wasnâ€™t enough that the guilt was wracking me from it. Kass got hurt. I felt guilty for that too. And even though I healed her, even though I exacted what little revenge I could on Kailee, (Twelve knows that makes me feel guilty in and of itself), then Endri comes after me as well, making me feel a fool. It does not matter that I was going to give them my portion of the commission from the job to help with the building of their house. No, it does not matter that Kassandra is an adult and can make her own damn decisions. No, I am to blame for it all.

I suppose that is what comes of the life I lead before. I suppose that is all I deserve.

I do not deserve the people who comfort me. I do not deserve to have RIku feel angry for me. It is not his place. Endri has done nothing wrong.

It is I who have done wrong.

And my years of atonement will never be enough.

I was a fool to think that I might be happy one sun, with a love and a family.
Even Zenge is slipping slowly away, preferring to spend his nights in training than with me.

Perhaps it is futile for me to try to fit myself into this role of the kind leader. Maybe it is not the role I am cut out for at all. Maybe this whole life is just a lie that I have concocted to try to save my damned soul. Perhaps my life would be better spent back in the Twelveswood, manipulating people, using them to my ends, and glorying in what little time I haveâ€¦

Twelve, maybe underneath all of this, I am really no more than a monster after all.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:49 AM**

Soâ€¦Iâ€™m attempting that meditation thing on my own out here by the Fane. Itâ€™s nice and quiet here. The fireflies buzz just off to my left, and if not for the guards, it would be a most serene momentâ€¦

I canâ€™t help but be troubled. Yssen came by last even to let me know of their last encounter with the Demon thingyâ€¦I canâ€™t say thtat I was pleased. Visions of me being killed, my building burned, and the people I love slaughtered? It will not do. Was it wrong to get involved in the Mavanixâ€™s problems? Was the call of gil too much that I put myself and my people in danger?

Twelve, I hope not.

I hope that we can all work together to sort this business out. I think I need some time awayâ€¦I might take a trip out to the shroud for a sun or twoâ€¦just be on my own away from the city for a bit. I think that everyone can do without me for a bit.

Kass has Endri to keep her company. The lalas have each other, although I do worry about Riku. Zenge is never around anymore anywayâ€¦duty is his main interest now. Burgen seems to have found a new friend in Sydâ€¦whether he returns the affections remains to be seen. Seems like everyone is doing just fine. They probably wonâ€™t even notice that Iâ€™m gone.

When I get back, perhaps I can do something to thank them all. Just in case things donâ€™t go as planned, and we all end up dead. We all might end up dead anyway with the way Dalamud grows closer every sun. Twelve help us all.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:49 AM**

I came back from my trip to find that I was more alone than I ever thought. Zenge was there, spouting words that didnâ€™t hit me until much later. Heâ€™s scared they will come for me, knowing what he is. He knows that heâ€™s been busy and canâ€™t be hereâ€¦so he made the decision for us. Twelve knows if weâ€™ll cross paths again. But itâ€™s over. Over and done. And now I am truly alone.

I think that they will still come for me. Business has been slow anyway. I think I shall lock the doors and leave for a time. Iâ€™ve never been good at hiding, but maybe now is the time. I can feel it in my bones. Something horrible is coming. I will be there to battle, but for now, I will hide. I will wait. I will watch. When the time comes, I will lend what healing skills I have. But for nowâ€¦

Twelve protect me. Twelve protect us. Menphina, mend my broken heart. Make me strong enough to weather this storm.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:49 AM**

((This is the break between 1.0 and 2.0))

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:50 AM**

Itâ€™s odd being here. Itâ€™s odd finding a new journal, a new life, and new people all around. The people you left are not the same. People are still missingâ€¦5 years have passed in the blink of an eye, and Iâ€™m still trying to adjust to the changes that seemingly happened in an instant.

I remember being there on the field. I remember trying to heal the sick, running from tent to tent, tending the wounds I could. I remember looking for people I knew, and seeing only faces I didnâ€™t recognize. I heard the roar of Bahamut. I saw his flames rain down on the people of Eorzea. And Twelve, I was scared.

I later heard about Louisoix and what he did. But that was much later.

It happened so suddenly, the flash of light. It made me dizzy, it made me shake. And all of a sudden, it was gone. The next few weeks were hazy. I remember stumbling around what looked to be the Twelveswoodâ€¦but it was so different. I remember seeing others like meâ€¦dazed and lost. I found Endri, and together we tried to find the house he had built for him and Kassâ€¦but it was gone. Nothing but cinders. We went to find my family, the family that I left at a young age, the family I never reconciled with. They were gone as well. Nothing. I only hope that Lini escaped, somehow.
Mutual grief led to things Iâ€™m not proud of. In Endriâ€™s arms I found comfort and solace. I hope that somehow I did the same for him. Part of our grievances were unfounded, as I now know. At least it is not uncomfortable now. He is still my friend, and what happened happened.

Following the Twelveswood, I traveled to Ulâ€™Dah to seek word of my friends. The building we once owned had long been abandoned and bought by others. No one around could tell me the whereabouts of my belongings. I can only assume that they have been burned on the ash pile, like the homes of the people I once loved. I heard word that adventurers were gathering in Limsa, that some of the people I used to know were still thereâ€¦and here is where I am now.

A city I used to loathe, now turned into the closest thing to home I have. Xenedraâ€™s tavern, Soliloquy, still stands, and it is here that I spend most of my bells. The joys have been few and far between since our returnâ€¦
It still sounds funnyâ€¦.returnâ€¦when it doesnâ€™t feel like Iâ€™ve been gone at all.

And yet, amongst the bittersweet reunions with my friends, there has been a sliver of light. Paraâ€¦what can I say about him? He fills my thoughts. I donâ€™t know what this will become, but it is something good, born from the ashes of the worldâ€™s demise. Itâ€™s rather poetic, donâ€™t you think?

I suppose that is all I can say for now. Time goes on. The ticks seem like bells. The bells like sunsâ€¦.Soon it will be a new turn, and so on and so forth. I only hope to gather the broken shards of the family I seem to have lost, and try to rebuild what I worked so hard for. Perhaps one day it will return to the way it once was. Until then, I will savor my time, letting it pass over me like waves. The waves of the sea. The waves outside my windowâ€¦

The bells toll and it is time for me to go. I will write more later.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:50 AM**

On the first date that Para and I had, if a date is what it wasâ€¦maybe our second meeting, I was challenged to compose a verse about our first meeting. For some reason, my mouth spouted this out. Iâ€™m not sure how good it isâ€¦but Para seemed to enjoy it.

So sat the queen upon her throne on high
Her subjects she did survey from her perch
Across each visage there her eyes did fly
While one by one she judged them in her search.
Until one face perchance did catch her eye
A flame haired face, and beautiful to boot
"This one has won the right," her voice did cry,
"To please the queen!" and then her voice went mute.
Then up to him the queen did start to sway
Her eyes did glint with glee and mirth and fun
And in her hands his face she made to stay
While she did kiss him there, and everyone
Did watch them then; the coupleâ€™s fast embrace.
And with a grin, she led him from that place.

I thought I should preserve this poem here, since it was quite a while ago now. Iâ€™d rather not lose this little bit of mirth.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:50 AM**

Iâ€™ve forgotten how beautiful it is hereâ€¦Iâ€™ve missed the shroud terribly. Iâ€™ve missed having a home and people in it. Not that this home is mine, or that the people in it are techincally mineâ€¦

I invited myself over last night. I had wanted to see his house. He offered to let me stay. Twelve, that worries me. I donâ€™t want to move to fast. Iâ€™ve done that before, let my emotions get the better of me. Better to keep it in check, I think. But he makes it so difficult sometimes. I want to know everything about him, where he came from, what heâ€™s been doing, why he does it, what he thinksâ€¦what he thinks of me. Â Itâ€™s scary, as all relationships are. I wish they were simpler. You fall in love with being with someone, maybe you fall in love with them, and then you stop. Thereâ€™s no rhyme or reason. Well, sometimes thereâ€™s a reason. People get bored. Oskar got bored. Zenge got scared. I get too comfortable. You start to wonder if itâ€™s yourself or themâ€¦you question alwaysâ€¦

Iâ€™m rambling again. Seems to be a habit of mine. Canâ€™t keep my thoughts straight. Anyway. The house is lovely. Small, cozy. Thereâ€™s a fireplace. And a rather large tub. Oh, to have a bubble bath again! It was fantastic. I could have soaked there for agesâ€¦but I was hungry. Â He made my favorite. It was delicious. Then, there was the incident with the tuna. It makes me giggle just thinking about it. His cheeks almost matched his hair!

There was no funny business, just good talk. He has a four poster bed. Itâ€™s hugeâ€¦and soft. It was easy to be there, easy to fall asleep.

Para has his demons. They plague him in his sleepâ€¦crying out to be set free, writhing in pain. It saddens me that he had to endure that. Perhaps one day we can learn why.

I suppose, though, that we all have our demons. Some you canâ€™t see at all.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:51 AM**

It has been a couple of suns since my last entry. There has been so much going on, itâ€™s hard to find time to write. Iâ€™m always on my guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Theyâ€™re coming after Para. Thisâ€¦manâ€¦who hurt him in the past. Â His name is Joshua Nightcrossâ€¦I donâ€™t know what he wants with Para, why he carved those symbols on his back, why he healed him after. Sounds like dark magics to meâ€¦magics I do not know about but have seen more often in my short existance than Iâ€™d like to admit.

Weâ€™ve spent too much time holed up in this inn room. The only time weâ€™ve been able to sneak away is to go to Soliloquy. The first time we managed to go there, Kass was there. Para had a panic attackâ€¦practically destroyed half of the plates in her kitchen. I left her some gilâ€¦I hope she doesnâ€™t mind too badly. We talked a lot that nightâ€¦it was comforting, among all of the bad things that have been going on.

The second time I tried to sneak away for a moment. I had called some of Kassâ€™ men to stand watch on the room. They ended up coming too. I thought I saw Burgenâ€¦I miss him so. But no, it was his brotherâ€¦and so very different from the Burgen I knew. He didnâ€™t know where Burgen was eitherâ€¦I hope that he is well.

The Duskwight, Uru showed up both times. Heâ€™s hiding something and I donâ€™t know what it is. I donâ€™t think itâ€™s anything nefariousâ€¦but it still unsettles me.

Weâ€™ve simply been playing a waiting game. Waiting for this Joshua to strike. I hope he does sooner rather than later. Hiding out was never my strong point. I donâ€™t like being cowed by fear. Who am I kidding, this is probably the game he enjoys the most.

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Menphina's Keeper [Journal]

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes