What’s it like to see the person in the mirror and realize that you have changed on the outside, but that maybe inside you are still the same person you once were?
It all came back to me last eve…
We were helping out with a training mission with the Everwatch. We were posing as a merc group, the Vultures. We had to bind and capture the Everwatch, we had to torment and humiliate and hurt them. And a part of me enjoyed it. And I am disgusted by it. It reminds me of the person I once was, many, many moons ago. I was a person who wanted power, who craved it. I hurt many people in my quest for it. And I delighted in it.
Hearing Kailee’s screams as I kicked her to the ground, seeing the fear in her eyes behind her bravado…I shudder to think of it. Once the ruse is over, I shall go to them and make amends. I’m working on a couple of spells to see if I can repair the damage that must have been longset in her knee to cause her such pain. Maybe out of this, I can atone for it.
But that’s not the whole of it. It wasn’t enough that the guilt was wracking me from it. Kass got hurt. I felt guilty for that too. And even though I healed her, even though I exacted what little revenge I could on Kailee, (Twelve knows that makes me feel guilty in and of itself), then Endri comes after me as well, making me feel a fool. It does not matter that I was going to give them my portion of the commission from the job to help with the building of their house. No, it does not matter that Kassandra is an adult and can make her own damn decisions. No, I am to blame for it all.
I suppose that is what comes of the life I lead before. I suppose that is all I deserve.
I do not deserve the people who comfort me. I do not deserve to have RIku feel angry for me. It is not his place. Endri has done nothing wrong.
It is I who have done wrong.
And my years of atonement will never be enough.
I was a fool to think that I might be happy one sun, with a love and a family.
Even Zenge is slipping slowly away, preferring to spend his nights in training than with me.
Perhaps it is futile for me to try to fit myself into this role of the kind leader. Maybe it is not the role I am cut out for at all. Maybe this whole life is just a lie that I have concocted to try to save my damned soul. Perhaps my life would be better spent back in the Twelveswood, manipulating people, using them to my ends, and glorying in what little time I have…
Twelve, maybe underneath all of this, I am really no more than a monster after all.Â
It all came back to me last eve…
We were helping out with a training mission with the Everwatch. We were posing as a merc group, the Vultures. We had to bind and capture the Everwatch, we had to torment and humiliate and hurt them. And a part of me enjoyed it. And I am disgusted by it. It reminds me of the person I once was, many, many moons ago. I was a person who wanted power, who craved it. I hurt many people in my quest for it. And I delighted in it.
Hearing Kailee’s screams as I kicked her to the ground, seeing the fear in her eyes behind her bravado…I shudder to think of it. Once the ruse is over, I shall go to them and make amends. I’m working on a couple of spells to see if I can repair the damage that must have been longset in her knee to cause her such pain. Maybe out of this, I can atone for it.
But that’s not the whole of it. It wasn’t enough that the guilt was wracking me from it. Kass got hurt. I felt guilty for that too. And even though I healed her, even though I exacted what little revenge I could on Kailee, (Twelve knows that makes me feel guilty in and of itself), then Endri comes after me as well, making me feel a fool. It does not matter that I was going to give them my portion of the commission from the job to help with the building of their house. No, it does not matter that Kassandra is an adult and can make her own damn decisions. No, I am to blame for it all.
I suppose that is what comes of the life I lead before. I suppose that is all I deserve.
I do not deserve the people who comfort me. I do not deserve to have RIku feel angry for me. It is not his place. Endri has done nothing wrong.
It is I who have done wrong.
And my years of atonement will never be enough.
I was a fool to think that I might be happy one sun, with a love and a family.
Even Zenge is slipping slowly away, preferring to spend his nights in training than with me.
Perhaps it is futile for me to try to fit myself into this role of the kind leader. Maybe it is not the role I am cut out for at all. Maybe this whole life is just a lie that I have concocted to try to save my damned soul. Perhaps my life would be better spent back in the Twelveswood, manipulating people, using them to my ends, and glorying in what little time I have…
Twelve, maybe underneath all of this, I am really no more than a monster after all.Â