It is funny. One rarely ruminates on the meanings of single words unless they are drawn to your attention. We accept them for what they are, no more, and no less, assume that that meaning is permanent, and move on with our lives.
But in the past 8 moons, much has changed about my perception of the world. Things I once took for granted, I do not anymore. How can I? There is so much more at stake, so much more to lose, and so much more to live for.
Home. That is the one word that has always eluded me. When I was a child, home was the place where I lived with Mother, Father, and Lini. It was not an unpleasant place, no, but my inner voices told me there was little there for me…and so I left far too early and on bad terms. This might have developed into my current sense of home had I only given it the chance. Alas, hindsight makes seers of us all, and there are parts of me that weep over that chance lost.
When I left my parents’ house, I went to the streets of Ul’dah. There, I met many others who were like me. Disillusioned. Searching for something else. I thought I had built a home around me in the company I kept, but that proved to be a sham. They cared naught for me, and more for what I could do for them…in coin, in favors…it mattered not. Only until my eyes saw what I had wrought did I understand.
In Pathian’s house, there was more of a sense of home. I was taken into his household, given a sense of freedom and responsibility…but this responsibility was not borne of love, but rather duty. I needed to repay the household that took me in when everyone else would turn me away. I still keep thoughts of this time close to my heart, but a home it was not.
Then came Corvus. It was probably the closest thing to home that I had found before this. We were  a strange and strangled group of people, sharing little more than a tolerance for each other and the work we did, that slowly came to bloom as a feeling of family. I can look back on these times fondly. My sense of belonging did not hinge upon one thing only there. It didn’t matter where we were. Whether we were in our building on Sapphire Ave., Fallgourd Float, or in the snowy lands of Coerthas. Wherever we were together was important.
It fell apart after that. There were strains that couldn’t be mended after the incident with Souyo. I had to retreat back into myself, stand alone. It’s not to say that there weren’t those near me who helped me, but it was not…it was not what I thought home should be.
When I returned to Jutat, things were…better, but they were never as they used to be. Too many people coming and going. Not enough people staying in one place. I had started to give up hope that I would find that feeling again.
And then it hit me like the fall of Dalamud. An all encompassing love the likes of which I had never known. It knocked me over and sent me sputtering…and still does. But now…I feel as if those things I had before, never left. There is a sense of comfort, of well-being. As long as Khale is with me, I can take on the whole of whatever is thrown at me.
His love has given me a renewed sense of what is important. I pray that Jayden will be well. That his presence becomes a part of that home. I pray that I can find time to talk with Lini again, that she knows that the past is not a reflection of my feelings toward her, but rather toward my shattered and fragile sense of self at the time. I pray that Lily and Tayn and Lyse and the rest find what I have found. Perhaps they already have. It is not a subject one talks about often, I suppose.
I believe these pages contain my thoughts as best as I can write them. It is difficult to give them form in such a way.
But in the past 8 moons, much has changed about my perception of the world. Things I once took for granted, I do not anymore. How can I? There is so much more at stake, so much more to lose, and so much more to live for.
Home. That is the one word that has always eluded me. When I was a child, home was the place where I lived with Mother, Father, and Lini. It was not an unpleasant place, no, but my inner voices told me there was little there for me…and so I left far too early and on bad terms. This might have developed into my current sense of home had I only given it the chance. Alas, hindsight makes seers of us all, and there are parts of me that weep over that chance lost.
When I left my parents’ house, I went to the streets of Ul’dah. There, I met many others who were like me. Disillusioned. Searching for something else. I thought I had built a home around me in the company I kept, but that proved to be a sham. They cared naught for me, and more for what I could do for them…in coin, in favors…it mattered not. Only until my eyes saw what I had wrought did I understand.
In Pathian’s house, there was more of a sense of home. I was taken into his household, given a sense of freedom and responsibility…but this responsibility was not borne of love, but rather duty. I needed to repay the household that took me in when everyone else would turn me away. I still keep thoughts of this time close to my heart, but a home it was not.
Then came Corvus. It was probably the closest thing to home that I had found before this. We were  a strange and strangled group of people, sharing little more than a tolerance for each other and the work we did, that slowly came to bloom as a feeling of family. I can look back on these times fondly. My sense of belonging did not hinge upon one thing only there. It didn’t matter where we were. Whether we were in our building on Sapphire Ave., Fallgourd Float, or in the snowy lands of Coerthas. Wherever we were together was important.
It fell apart after that. There were strains that couldn’t be mended after the incident with Souyo. I had to retreat back into myself, stand alone. It’s not to say that there weren’t those near me who helped me, but it was not…it was not what I thought home should be.
When I returned to Jutat, things were…better, but they were never as they used to be. Too many people coming and going. Not enough people staying in one place. I had started to give up hope that I would find that feeling again.
And then it hit me like the fall of Dalamud. An all encompassing love the likes of which I had never known. It knocked me over and sent me sputtering…and still does. But now…I feel as if those things I had before, never left. There is a sense of comfort, of well-being. As long as Khale is with me, I can take on the whole of whatever is thrown at me.
His love has given me a renewed sense of what is important. I pray that Jayden will be well. That his presence becomes a part of that home. I pray that I can find time to talk with Lini again, that she knows that the past is not a reflection of my feelings toward her, but rather toward my shattered and fragile sense of self at the time. I pray that Lily and Tayn and Lyse and the rest find what I have found. Perhaps they already have. It is not a subject one talks about often, I suppose.
I believe these pages contain my thoughts as best as I can write them. It is difficult to give them form in such a way.