II
Though I can’t recall who said it, my mother to my father if I had to guess, there is a saying that goes like this: “Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.†Looking back at my writings I guess you could say it’s not something I’m familiar with. I can be quite the crass woman when whiskey is involved. Lesson learned? Sure, I’ll cheers to that.Â
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No one can ever seem to agree on how much liquor is too much, but I gave the concept a run for its money last night. I wish I could blame Ric, but I can’t. He was never really entirely at fault to begin with. We were kids in love. Who doesn’t know that story and how it goes. The uncharted territory, the flames of innocent passion, the inevitable downfall. In truth, he’s no more at fault than I. Not that I intend to let him think that. He still left, or believed -I- could have abandoned him. After everything we went through...Â
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I saved him as a boy. He was alone, starving. This scraggly thing. We became the best of childhood friends. He was like the big brother I never had. When my parents were revealed the traitors they were, he and he alone stood by me, saved me. I owe my life to him for that. Yet I find it hard to go back. To even -think- about going back. All the walls I’ve put up. There’s too much water beneath the bridge. As if we could learn to trust one another again.Â
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Doubtful. I’ve seen the cast of men in their varying forms. Women too for that matter. Snakes and Rodents, the lot of them. To say he is different and open myself up to that possibility is to expose weakness to the world. Here it is, out in the open, now crush me with it. I’d rather not. My heart may feel what it wishes, but I am far to clever to let it control me. It is wit, not emotion, that has gotten me where I am. Kept me alive all these years. He will not take that away from me.
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Words upon words fall empty in the flames. I want to see him again. To feel that nostalgia close. To remember what it was like, he and I against the world. Two young hearts full of effortless and endless hope. We were alive in every moment.Â
I think I’ll let him find me here. Even if he only stays awhile. I know the look of a man in love... and it isn’t with me...
 Zhauric's