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***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:41 AM**

It wasnâ€™t looking at the death that made me shut down.

No, Iâ€™ve seen death. Iâ€™ve been on my own for quite a long time. The first death I saw was within the first year of my being on my own. Being a girl out on your own makes you an easy target for those who would try to take advantage of you. Even in Gridania, things werenâ€™t safe. The first attack came some time in the evening. The moons were hanging in the sky, and I was walking to the inn. He attacked me from behind and threw me on the ground. He was on top of me, and then his eyes, they went wide and still, and he slumped over. I never did see who saved me that night. They were hidden and didnâ€™t say a word. Just walked off as if it were nothing.

No, itâ€™s not the death itself that brought me to this point. It was a mix of things. The nothingness I felt when I saw him, when I heard him sneer at us. It made me numb, it made me cold. How could someone want to kill Lainseworth is beyond me. And now heâ€™s run off because he feels that he is a danger to us. Maybe heâ€™ll never come back. All of that was in me when I looked at him.

That and a mysterious sense of pleasure at the fact that he was going to die. Thatâ€™s what worried me more than anything. It reminded me of my past dealings and how I felt back then. Emotions I had hoped to keep bottled up, to keep hidden. I didnâ€™t want to feel that. And so, I figured I would rather feel nothing.

I justâ€¦I hope that I donâ€™t have to feel that again. Maybe next time Iâ€™ll be hardened enough to not feel it. Maybe that is a problem in and of itself. What if death becomes easy?

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:41 AM**

He said to dream of himâ€¦

It wasnâ€™t what I expected.

It was the boat dream again. I was on a small raft, floating, floating, endlessly drifting.
At first the sea was calm, something I donâ€™t remember from previous dreams. Then, it slowly crescendoed into a storm. The rain came harder, faster. The waves lapped over the boat, threatening to drag me under.
And then I saw him. He was there in another boat, reaching out for me. His hand outstretched, his eyes looked sad. It was as if he knew he couldnâ€™t save me. But yet he tried.
And I reached out. Reached my fingers till the tips brushed his. It was almost enough.
Then the rain started to change. Instead of rain, it was arrows, coming from the heavens. They hit the water, hit the boat, thudding, thudding. I tried to curl up to protect myself from the onslaught, but one scraped my cheek, another my ear, and they were raining all around.
And I watched with horror as an arrow pierced him in the heart. He looked at me as I watched him, his eyes went blank, and he fell.
Then it all went black.

Itâ€™s all I can remember.

It was a fitful night.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:41 AM**

So I suppose Iâ€™ve been meaning to write about these thing for a while. Theyâ€™ve been on my mind, but Iâ€™ve been letting them fade to the back, trying to not let them bother me. But the dreams didnâ€™t help to quell my fears, and so I suppose I will write about them.

I am torn about how I feel about Deirdre. There are things that I greatly admire about her. And there are things that I do not understand. Why did she attempt to kill Fearless? Why did nothing happen to her? And then there are things that worry me. I am worried that she will be the downfall of my relationship. Sheâ€™s always there. When I cannot be there, it seems that she is. And apparently she has â€œofferedâ€ thingsâ€¦and it should bother me. Just as knowing that she is in his dreams should bother me. I donâ€™t want to be that girl. I donâ€™t want to be the one who is always jealous and full of angst. And so I let it go. Maybe writing this down will help.

I am worried about Corvus. Our meeting turned into a call for diplomacy. Why? Itâ€™s not as if we are fighting city-states. We are two organizations within Eorzea. We may need each others help in the future. So why do we seem to be at each otherâ€™s throats? I donâ€™t know. I know that I am friends with all of them, and the constant bickering between my people only serves to aggravate me. I want it to be over and done with. And so, I am going to do this trip with the company no matter what. It should serve to bring us closer together. Maybe then I can teach them that we all need to work together. I understand their points, but at what point do we stop standing up for ourselves and start being whiny, instigating, children?

Iâ€™m worried about my future. What it might mean. I have my company. What if at some point I have to give it up? Have to give up the family that I have built for myself?
Iâ€™m worried about being alone. What if that happens? What if I lose everything? Then where will I be?

I donâ€™t know. I donâ€™t even know if writing this down will help. Iâ€™m just rambling now arenâ€™t I? I suppose I will end this entry here.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:42 AM**

The waves crash endlessly on
Their sound a comforting lullaby
The moons shine on through
A starry sky, a cloudless night
And still, I long.
The Twelve have made it so beautiful
The land, the skies, the sea.
And it calls, that place
Where comfort brings me home
Where the waters are warm
The lights are dim
The curtains wave in the breezeâ€¦
In two directions I am pulled
My words seem to fall
Silently
Iâ€™m breaking at the seams
Iâ€™m falling, falling
Drifting, drifting.
When will the rains start?
When will the arrows fall?
I know not.

There is more writing at the bottom, things scratched out, almost unreadable.

â€¦company notâ€¦wonâ€™t listenâ€¦to be homeâ€¦I hope this tripâ€¦betterâ€¦but how if no oneâ€¦Need to get backâ€¦

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:42 AM**

Just when you think things are starting to look up,
The Twelve feel like throwing something at you.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:42 AM**

Here I was, thinking that there was a looming cloud on the horizon, when there were actually clear skies ahead.

Happy to be back from the trip. I was out shopping for Oskarâ€™s nameday present which is a fantasticâ€¦yeah. Canâ€™t write that here. Soon enough. Then, we went grocery shopping, which was really nice for a change. The conversation came easy, and it felt more like before all of the problems with the company started. It was refreshing. I enjoyed just spending some time with Oskar, not working, not doing anything but being us. It was a lovely time. Aside from some of the prices! Some of the sellers in the stalls, however, were out to rip us off. My business sense did not like that. Ah well. Some people will just try to make a Gil any way they can, I suppose.

I also got word from Kassandra that there were some people coming by looking for us to find people for them. I think I might have to change Corvus in to a missing persons agency at this rate! At least that means that there is some work coming. I decided Iâ€™d hire Kass to be our receptionist, since she was so good and let me know of the people who came in already. Sheâ€™ll do a fine job. Weâ€™re on our way to being more organized, and maybe with a few more meetings, weâ€™ll be a more efficient company.

Once I found out about all of that, I made my way home and made dinner. Nothing fancy, just some aldgoat steak (note: try using a little less thyme next time). Oskar went out to train with Elriche, and they both came back in time to eat. It was an amusing dinner. I do feel bad about making Elriche blush as much as we didâ€¦but it -was- funny.

Speaking of funny, Iâ€™ve got a funny feeling about this illness of Deirdre. Zenge was sick tooâ€¦I wonder if they had the same sort of thing. Ah well.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:43 AM**

Maybe I spoke too soon.
There is a break here, and the writing changes from frantic to a more leisurely scrawl.

Yep. Spoke too soon. You knowâ€¦Iâ€™mâ€¦upsetâ€¦.

Why? Why does everyone want her? Want to help her, want to fix her? Hells, even I like her. But why does he have to like her!? And why does he choose her over me? Screw what she wants! If sheâ€™s scared and might not make it, you disregard her wishes and call in a damn mage!

I already feel uneasy about them as it isâ€¦.it would be like me picking to stay with Zenge over himâ€¦.only if Zenge and I had had a relationship before, and if I still dreamt of him, and if I thought he was attractive and flirted with him all of the time.

Gods! Some damn window you opened!Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:43 AM**

She walked into the apartment, the room swirling in front of her. She didnâ€™t remember feeling so nervous before. She looked at him and thoughtâ€¦what did she think? There was so much there. So much feeling, so much built up over the past few moons. And now? What was going to happen? Was she clinging to a hopeless dream? Maybe. â€œNothing lasts forever, so you might as well enjoy it while you can.â€ She had used that phrase in reference to the alcohol, but knew those words had double meaning. Oskar knew it. She knew it. And yet, it still made her sad.

She made her way down the hallway to the bedroom, undressing slowly and deliberately, trying to both entice and steady herself with each motion. It was if the pretense was falling away. She knew what this was. This was goodbye. And every touch, every kiss, would be a soft farewell, a parting gift to keep in her memory.

She curled up on the bed, and he lay behind her, touching the small curves that lay between her shoulder and hip. The lamp behind them cast shadows on the wall facing her. As she watched the shadow dance, she saw not two shadows but one. Oskarâ€™s big frame swallowed her shadow whole, until all you could see was his form. She would miss this, she thought. She cast a trickle of air and snuffed out the lamp.

In the dark, she felt more alive, felt like she could say goodbye without worrying. The act pulled at her heartstrings, made her want to cry with every move. His hands, his lips, hisâ€¦Twelve! She would miss him. And so she gave herself to him with everything she had. This final dance was a way to tell him all the things she couldnâ€™t with words. It was filled with love, and pain, and sorrow. It went on and on, seeming to never end, until suddenly, it was over. Just as suddenly as their relationship began, with a look, just so with a touch, it was done. She curled against his chest, tracing the planes of his figure, watching his chest rise and fall, and his breathing regulate until he slept. Not until then did she start to cry. She rolled over on her side, clutching her pillow, and wept.

Before the sun rose, before Oskar awoke, she left, a note left on the pillow, scented with cherry blossoms.
Oskar,
I will miss you, my heart,
Alothia
was all it said.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:44 AM**

A lot of things have been going through my head. Was it the right decision? Will he miss me? Should I even care?

Spending time with the company has helped. Alona gave Fearless some gifts to help me sleep. It seems to be working.

I met with him last sun. I donâ€™t know what I was expecting. I think Iâ€™m not sad about it anymore, however. He was never meant to be with meâ€¦only with her. For that, I feel foolish, to think that I could compete against her. I should have known better. What hurts the most is knowing that he didnâ€™t even wait a couple of suns before running to her arms. And yet he says he loves meâ€¦what of love when you can put it aside so easily for other desires? Iâ€™m beginning to feel as if he never loved me at all. I was just a nice person to have around until she returned his affections. Alrightâ€¦maybe Iâ€™m angrier about the whole thing than I thought. He was right about one thingâ€¦he cannot love me in the way I deserve. At least Iâ€™ll have the common courtesy to have a mourning period over our relationship. Not that thereâ€™s anyone whoâ€™s eye Iâ€™ve caught. So few people look at me in that wayâ€¦not like him. Ah well. Menphina will not lead me astray. It is in Her hands now.

Then there is this business with Rio. I need to meet with Commander Mtoto sooner rather than later before she thinks that Corvus is a part of her plans. I donâ€™t plan on giving them the satisfaction of dealing with her, however. She isâ€¦was one of ours, and she has betrayed us all. If anyone gets the final say, it should be us.

I need to be strong. For me. For the company. For Eorzea. These are pressing times ahead. I cannot let myself get distracted again. Thank the Twelve for blessings in disguise. I shall harden my heart and persevere. I will do what is necessary. We will thrive, we will prosper, and we will live to see Eorzea through another day. This I swear.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:44 AM**

The past few suns have been nice. Spending time with Corvus has become one of those things that I greatly look forward to. Weâ€™ve explored Toto-Rak together, as well as the Darkhold, although the latter with not quite as much success as the former. One of these suns, weâ€™ll find something of value there, I know it.

Last eve we had the welcome party for the new Corvus Cinis members. It was quite niceâ€¦until Rio decided to show up. I donâ€™t know what the girl is thinking! Showing up during a party, asking for a truceâ€¦as if we had done anything to harm her up to this point. We are keeping an eye on her and no more, even though I know that the others wouldnâ€™t think twice about being more violent if it came to that. She thinks that she is doing good, but she doesnâ€™t realize that sheâ€™s hurting what little defenses Eorzea has. I am worried for her.

In other news, Oskar grows more frustrating by the sun. You would think that he would just leave me be, but he doesnâ€™t. He wanted to take me out on a date, he insistsâ€¦but why? And why would I even entertain the thought? He is so infuriating. He feels like he can tell me what to do, but those days are over. I would have been more than happy to listen to him if we had stayed together, but alas, it seems as if his loins were more important than my feelings. And then, last sun, he has the NERVE to suggest that I help Elriche find himself by dating himâ€¦.as if Iâ€™m just some sort of dating experiment! I donâ€™t think that I will ever understand that man. I donâ€™t know that I care to, honestly. What was I thinking!? Iâ€™m beginning to see just why my friends were so irritated over our relationship. If he wants to be a child, Iâ€™m going to treat him like one and not even give him the time of day. See how he likes that.

As much as Iâ€™d like to date someone, thereâ€™s no one around who would date me. Everyone seems to be takenâ€¦and those who arenâ€™t show no interest in meâ€¦or are girls. No offense, butâ€¦thatâ€™s just not my thing. Iâ€™m only half joking when I talk to Zenge. If he were actually singleâ€¦well, I might just make a move. But he has Relani, and I donâ€™t want to step on her territory. Theyâ€™re so darn cute together anyway. Ah well. Maybe someday Iâ€™ll find someone. Better to not go looking anyway. Heck, Iâ€™d better be careful so as not to attract any more arrogant ass hats, as Fearless likes to put it.

Speaking of Fearless, Iâ€™m sad for him. Lily hasnâ€™t been around lately, and itâ€™s been bringing him down. I hope that he feels better soon. And I hope that she is safe.

I guess thatâ€™s all for now. Iâ€™m exhausted and should get some sleep.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:44 AM**

This sun has been terribly interesting. Where do I start?

Well, for starters, I was shopping with Kaliden earlier when I ran into Claus and some other members of TALE. It was nice to meet some new faces. One of the new faces, however, was a handsome Duskwight named Uxe. (Yes, yesâ€¦I knowâ€¦it appears Iâ€™m developing a type) Now, I donâ€™t think he meant anything by it, but he told me I was beautiful. It has been a while since someone other than Oskar told me that. And it made me feel good about myself. It was just a nice reminder that I donâ€™t need him to be happy. I do have appeal to others, and I will be fine on my own.

Later, I went upstairs from the Gold Court to think and writeâ€¦and met up with Fearless while I was there. We had a nice talk about loneliness, and then he had to go home. Iâ€™m concerned about him and Lily. I hope things end up alright with them. If she doesnâ€™t come back, I will go with him to search for her.

After Fearless left, I decided to walk to the Concern, but found it was too crowded for my tastes. On the way back, I met with Ms. Adul, and we had a fascinating conversation. I will not write the details here, for this may fall into the hands of someone it was not meant for, but needless to say, it was very interesting. I hope to hear from her again soon.

With this, I leave this entry. I feel like Iâ€™m encroaching on Naveiâ€™s quiet space. I should probably head back home.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:44 AM**

Oh Twelveâ€¦

I canâ€™t write how happy I am right now.
But Iâ€™m also worried. I hope this wasnâ€™t just a reboundâ€¦
I donâ€™t think it was. I know it wasnâ€™t for me.

And I think weâ€™ve been friends long enough for this to not be a rebound for himâ€¦

But what if she shows up and decides she wants him back now? Then what? Would he pick her over me?

He thinks Iâ€™m prettyâ€¦

My mind is racing. I should wait until Iâ€™m settled to write more.

Oh Twelveâ€¦Zengeâ€¦Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:45 AM**

A lot has happened in the past few suns.

Lily finally returned. I know that Fearless was overjoyed. It was nice to see him smiling again. Heâ€™s been a whole lot happier ever since. She hasnâ€™t been around quite as often as she was before she left, but at least we know that sheâ€™s safe now. I know thatâ€™s all Fearless needed to know.

I havenâ€™t heard from Ms. Adul. I suppose that means that her theories were unfounded. Part of me is glad of it. Another partâ€¦well, it would have been interesting if things had played out, to say the least.

A couple of suns ago I ran into Red and Ms. Quai out on the upper levels of Ulâ€™Dah. They invited me to the MMML, and we ran around the city collecting new recruits to go drinking! It was a ton of fun. In the end, it was myself, Fear, Red and Lu, Claus, Zolku, Myllor, and another person who wasnâ€™t a member of the MMML but whom hung out with us anyway. We went to the concern and played Never Have I Ever, which took an interesting turn when Red admitted she had slept with a Roe. I need to get that story out of her sometime. Seems like quite a tale. Had to leave before she got to telling it, though, which was a bummer. Fear was quite the gentleman and carried me back to headquarters safely. I think I overdid it on the drinking that night.

Last night was quite the same, however. But that was for good reason. Relani walked out on Zenge. Stupid woman. Did she not realize what his duties were when he was a part of the Garlean army? And canâ€™t she see that heâ€™s changed? It makes me so angry. Anyone who knows Zenge knows that heâ€™s changed. Heâ€™s a wonderful friend. I hate to see what sheâ€™s done to himâ€¦the mess sheâ€™s made of him. We went out to the Concern, with the intention of letting Zenge drown his sorrows in drinkâ€¦but I ended up being tipsy. Seems to be the story of my life. He ended up helping me back to HQ, and we had a nice talk. I gave him the other notebook I had lying around. I hope it helps him with this situation. I know that writing helps me some. I told him not to worry about how he writes itâ€¦just to get it down. Maybe heâ€™ll take my advice. He seemed to appreciate the gesture at least.

Iâ€™m worried for him. I hope he makes it through this. Iâ€™m sure he will. Once women find out heâ€™s single, Iâ€™m sure theyâ€™ll be lining up at his door. Heâ€™s always had the knack for that.Â
At this she chuckles and then continues writing.
Anyway. Iâ€™ll be there to help him in any way I can. I know how hard losing someone that close to you is. Until next time.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:45 AM**

Alright. I think Iâ€™m finally settled enough to write properly.

Soâ€¦yeahâ€¦Weâ€™re together now. And itâ€™s really nice.
I think itâ€™s kinda funnyâ€¦I didnâ€™t really think of Zenge in that way for a long time. Maybe it was denial. Maybe I was just lying to myself. I look back over my previous entries, and I wonder at what point it happened. I think about what I did when I gave his Garlean background away like I didâ€¦and Iâ€™m ashamed. How could he think of me in this way knowing that I betrayed him once? Maybe thatâ€™s just it. I know some of his past. He knows some of mine. But we both know that we change and grow. Weâ€™re not the same people we were moons ago, or even suns ago for that matter. As long as I keep bettering myself, maybe Iâ€™ll be good enough.

We went out on a date last eve. We wandered the city hand in hand. Went shopping in the market wards. He bought me a match to the black pearl earring I wear in my ear. Now theyâ€™re a pair. â€œNow they wonâ€™t be alone,â€ he said. It made me smile.

After shopping, we went to the Mineral Concern for a drink. No, I didnâ€™t get drunk. We just sat there and listened to the other people there, and talked a little. We spoke about Relani and Oskar, about our families and how we miss them. But I didnâ€™t feel like I needed to speak to be comfortable. It was enough just spending time together. Iâ€™d forgotten what that was like.

Then we went back to headquartersâ€¦home. Itâ€™s nice feeling like this is my place once again. And thatâ€™s not just because of Zenge. For a while, I lost sight of what was important. I was neglecting my friends. I was neglecting my own wants and desires for myself. Nowâ€¦Iâ€™m not beholden to anyone, but I want to be with them. I want to be with the company, with my friends and acquaintances. And I want to be able to choose where I am instead of feeling like Iâ€™m obligated to be somewhere. I choose to be with my company. Itâ€™s made tensions there a whole lot easier.

Iâ€™m not worried about pleasing anyone else anymore. If I can please others by pleasing myself, thatâ€™s the way to do it. Hopefully that doesnâ€™t change. I am happiest when I can be myself. I donâ€™t see this relationship taking any turns in the opposite direction. Finally I feel settled and happy again.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:46 AM**

Life has been good. I havenâ€™t had to worry about much lately, and Iâ€™ve just enjoyed spending some time with others.

But something has gotten me thinking. At Corvus Cinis, what do we do that other groups in the city donâ€™t? What do we have to offer the people of Eorzea that is special or different. I could make us a deconstruction company, but somehow, I donâ€™t think that that would work out well. Not a lot of need for deconstruction.

But then I thought about the latest jobs that we had been hired out to do. Finding Miyu, finding various itemsâ€¦we do a lot of finding. Which makes me thinkâ€¦maybe thatâ€™s what we do well. We are good at finding people and things. Maybe, then, we should specialize in that. Instead of willy nilly taking every job that comes to us, big or small, maybe we need to specialize in a niche market.

Corvus Cinis Agency: Finders of things, people, and specialty items.

People can come to us if theyâ€™re looking for something that is lost, or a person that theyâ€™ve lost touch withâ€¦or even something that is hard to find. It would make it easier for people to know who to hire, with all of the other groups out there. Plus, we could start training for more specific purposes.

Iâ€™ll have to run this idea by the rest of the company and see what they think. Watch out Eorzea. A new Corvus will be heading your wayâ€¦Â

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Menphina's Keeper [Journal]

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes