RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:51 AM**

Iâ€™m stupid. I shouldnâ€™t have let him go home alone. I should have been here! I could have protected him! Could have kept him safe!

But no.

I let him go home alone. Stupidly assumed that things would be alright. And now heâ€™s goneâ€¦

[tear stains dot the page here, and the next few lines are smeared and runny because of them.]

Heâ€™s gone. The pendant I got him is on the floor, the pearl that kept us connected, shattered.

The door was caved in, splinters hanging from the frame. My heart picked up and I knew it was bad. I walked in, glass shards crunching under my boots. The windows had been knocked in, and the house was in shambles. The coffee table was broken, the vase with the flowers on the mantle had been smashed upon the floorâ€¦stools were overturned and shattered. I could tell he fought back, as the telltale burns of his lightning marked the walls in blackened trails.

Then there was the note. I saw it and knew what it was immediately. A warning. A message. A taunt. A challenge.

I cannot act right now, even though my gut is in knots and my heart is like to burst from my chest. I cannot go in alone, regardless of what Joshua may want. I need to plan. I need to be smart about this.

But Iâ€™m torn. What of Para in the meantime? Must he endure more of the same? Heâ€™s half broken already by this man. I do not want him broken furtherâ€¦

If I hadnâ€™t had stopped to get dye. If I hadnâ€™t had decided I needed the gilâ€¦

He will die. He will suffer. That I promise. If I die in the process, it was worth it. No life is better than a life spent like this, cowering and hiding. Para will be safe. Joshua will atone.

I must gather my thoughts. And my forces. We will march soon. There will be a reckoning.

If I donâ€™t make it backâ€¦If anyone finds thisâ€¦Know that I have gone

[the text ends abruptly]

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:51 AM**

In my head, I hear him scream as my boot comes down onto his kneecaps. I revel in the sound of the crushing of bone. I grin as I see pain contort his face.

In my head, I take the knife and scour lines along his flesh. Lines to match the scarring on Paraâ€™s back. Two for every mark. Three. The blood runs in rivulets, and I smile.

In my head, I use these lines as a guide, a blueprint for my machinations, and I peel back the flesh bit by bit, letting it litter the floor in a bloody array of confetti.

My heart wants these things. My brain tells me I cannot. So I donâ€™t. I stop. And I give him a swift death, one swifter than he deserves.

This doesnâ€™t matter, of course. The thoughts are still there when I close my eyes. I still see these things. He knows I see these things. And he does not speak to me at all.

He said he knew. Said it didnâ€™t matterâ€¦apparently it does. All is for naught. My heartâ€¦

[the ink smears at the end, as if the hand holding the quill simply let it fall from their fingers]

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:52 AM**

[The writing here is much more flowy than last time, the script curling more than before]

Twelve, I donâ€™t know what I would have done had he died. And then if he hadnâ€™t spoken to me anymore. I would have been so lost, so crushed.

I still donâ€™t feel at ease. Lainse was injured because of me. Leanna was furious I could tellâ€¦

Let me start from the beginning.

I discovered where Joshua was keeping Para. The ones who took him were eager to tell. All it took was a flash of gil and the promise of ale, and they spoke. They wonâ€™t speak again. I took care of that. Lainse looked at me as if I were a monsterâ€¦as if he could see the monster inside of me. But it needed to be done. If they waggled their tongues for me, whoâ€™s to say they wouldnâ€™t go back and do more.

Lainse went on ahead with the information to scout. I shouldnâ€™t have sent himâ€¦

I gathered what I would need from the adventurerâ€™s guild. Ran into the Miqoâ€™te from the other nightâ€¦Vash. He seemed eager to do something to help. So he came along. He brought another with himâ€¦Iâ€™m afraid I did not catch her name. If I see her again, I will need to thank her. Without her, all would have been lost.

We got to the site and Lainse was working on releasing Paraâ€¦but then Joshua saw. I tried to surprise him and take him there and then, but he got to Lainseâ€¦Twelve, Lainse. I thought he was going to die. The woman was able to save himâ€¦.something I couldnâ€™t do because I was busy with him.

We threw all we could at him. It wasnâ€™t until he started talking that I was even able to come close. I learnedâ€¦muchâ€¦

In the end, I killed him. There is more blood on my hands. But this I do not regret. I wanted to make him suffer, make him hurt like he hurt Para.

But I couldnâ€™t. It was a swift death. And Para watched.

We didnâ€™t talk at firstâ€¦still havenâ€™t really talked about it since. Iâ€™m worried that this will cause problems later, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

Lainse and Leannaâ€¦were upset. I blame myself for their hurt. I hope that they understand. I hope that they can forgive.

I need to think about my feelings. My desires. My wants. My needs. My priorities.

I need to make sure that I do not become what I once wasâ€¦it is a fine line I walk, and the precipice stares at me with golden eyes. I hope that I do not fall.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:52 AM**

I donâ€™t evenâ€¦

Where do I start?

Mrs. Capellago. It has a nice ring to it.

Ring.

Did he really ask me? Truly? And did I really say yes?

Abai knew right away. Kass jumped on the opportunity to help me plan. Gwenny will be flower girl. Fearless said heâ€™d give me away.

Twelve, what am I doing?

I donâ€™t know. But it feelsâ€¦right.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:52 AM**

We went to Soliloquy last night. Paraâ€¦cut his hair. And dyed it back to itâ€™s natural blonde. Itâ€™sâ€¦different. Heâ€™s still Para though.

Yesâ€¦still Para. Still canâ€™t hold his liquor. Not that I mind. I think itâ€™s kindaâ€¦cute, actually.

We played â€œnever have I everâ€ at the bar. Abai got sloshed and took her clothes off in front of everyone. It was my goal to get Para drunk. And his to get me the same. I think we both succeeded in that point. My head is still reeling.

Although, if itâ€™s from that or the alleyâ€¦well, who can say. Thereâ€™s just one more thing weâ€™ll both have to drink to the next time we play.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:52 AM**

The script here is written in a more masculine hand, slanted and angular. It was obviously not written by the notebookâ€™s owner.

Oâ€™ Dearest Yeâ€™ Amethyst
Weep not for Thy Fate.
For in the graces of Althyk
Thy pain will Abate.

Oâ€™ Dearest Yeâ€™ Amethyst
Let loose broken parts.
For in friendship tis starlight
to shine deep in our hearts.

O Dearest Yeâ€™ Amethyst
In thy heart thy must bleed.
To see clearly the goodness
Of those who answer thy need.

Oâ€™ Dearest Yeâ€™ Amethyst
of whose woes we speak of
In Perfection we are but envied

Yet in breaking, we are loved.

A hastily scrawled post script was written at the bottom, this time by the ownerâ€™s hand:

A poem, by Eric

((This poem was not written by me, it was written by a friend in Alothiaâ€™s journal))

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:53 AM**

Twelveâ€¦what am I doingâ€¦

Iâ€™ve never been one to casually date. Normally, I run from one relationship to the next. But ever since what happened with Para happenedâ€¦

Let me go back. Para and I are no more. We broke off the engagement, and that same night, he was in bed with another woman. I amâ€¦wasâ€¦amâ€¦upset. For 3 moons he was the center of my world, and so quickly, it was all thrown away. He regrets what happened. But I have learned that we cannot take those things back. They happen for a reason. Perhaps I will give us another shot, but I cannot give him my heart again, not like before.

Which brings me to the immediate problem. I feel like I am drowning. At first, it was Eric. Then Kâ€™anko. Now Mikael. And they all call to me differently.

Ericâ€¦He is the one who wrote me the poem. Heâ€™s the mage who ran into Lini. He isâ€¦so different from any man Iâ€™ve ever met. He thinks that he is weak because of his curseâ€¦but he is not. Every time I look into his eyes, I see who he is. He is so much more than that which has plagued him for all of his life. With him, I feel like I could forget what Iâ€™ve done. He is sweetâ€¦and tenderâ€¦and a damn fine kisser. It is so easy to lose myself with him, talking about life and my worries, my fears and my desires. He does not clamor for my affections, and his silent confidence is a draw. He doesnâ€™t feel the need to posture or fight. He is ever Ericâ€¦

Kâ€™ankoâ€¦is the oppositeâ€¦and yet not. I met him in Soliloquy, and he challenged me to a fight then and there. When I happened upon him at the docks a few suns laterâ€¦things changed. Kâ€™anko is a man of depth, of honor, although he does not see that in himself. I understand his need for release, for the physical manifestation of his frustrations. Where Para ran, Kâ€™anko stands and fights. He is honest, and expects that honesty in return. With him, I want to beâ€¦free. He helps me to see that there is more to life than this role that I have chosen, that I can be more than what my past has taught me to be.

And Mikaelâ€¦that wasâ€¦sudden. And a pleasant surprise. First, he attacked me outside of Fallgourd Floatâ€¦to test my mettle and see who â€œIâ€ am. Then, a few suns later, he offered to watch me train. It was all fine until after my bathâ€¦then we spoke of our pasts. Twelve, he is like me, driven by a desire to make up for the mistakes of the past. No one has ever understood in that way. Not a soul.

And I am so confused.

Menphina, I beseech youâ€¦help to show me the wayâ€¦before I hurt them, and myself in my indecision.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:53 AM**

The choice was made.

Was it made long ago? Was I just delaying things to save people pain? And did I cause more in the process?

Part of me feelsâ€¦horrible. The rest, feels free.

Who knows what may come of this. This time, I am not going to drive myself crazy wondering about the what-ifs.

Instead, I will take this one day at a time. He is mine. I am his. For now, that is all that matters.

We will return home soon. The Gala awaits. I must tell Eric. Â I needs must reply to Mikâ€™s letterâ€¦

There is much to be done.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:53 AM**

It has been a few suns and there is much to write about.

I will start in Coerthas, as that is where things begin.

In my previous entry I noted that i had made my decision. And I have. Kâ€™anko and I are a couple now, and there hasnâ€™t been a sun that has gone by that I donâ€™t thank the Twelve that he is with me. It is very different from how it was with Para. While Kâ€™anko and I choose to walk this path together, I do not feel as if I would be lost without him. Instead, I feel that I am lucky to have him around. It is a nice feeling.

We stayed in Coerthas for a couple of suns, returning to the Shroud in time for the Full Cold Moon Gala. There were more people there than I ever remember being. Iâ€™m sure a lovely time was had by all, but I got irritable with the amount of people present. Which is odd for me, as I usually donâ€™t mind. I decided to inform those in Corvus that I was leaving, and invite them all to the hot springs at Camp Bronze Lake. It was quite a lovely start to the gathering. Eric showed up, and Vash. Daemon made an appearance after all of that timeâ€¦and Rio! Can you believe it? I certainly thought that she was dead. It was nice to see her again. Para also came. As awkward as it might have been, I know that he is still a friend and a member of the company. He has a place there the same as anyone else.

All of that was fine until Deirdre showed up. As the suns pass, the more it seems like a blur. She wanted to attack Para, so Kâ€™anko and I got in between them. In the end, Kâ€™anko ended up with a new scar, Para was scared almost to death, and Eric had channeled enough aether into Kâ€™anko to cook his insidesâ€¦thankfully Deir helped to cool him, and I took care of most of the internal damage.

I took him back to the cabin to tend to him. I still feel guilty about doing nothing, regardless of what he tells me to the contrary. I am also worried about Deirdre. She wants Kâ€™anko, this I knowâ€¦and I donâ€™t want to cause more strife between us. The animosity we had over Oskar was more than enough for my lifetimeâ€¦

Ericâ€™s condition is becoming worse. We had an expedition to the Deepcroft, and if we werenâ€™t certain before, weâ€™re almost certain now that this thing inside of him is voidsent. We will have to remove his stomach completely to save him. I met with his brother and learned of some thingsâ€¦I promised Hyrist that I would kill Eric before I let him become voidsent. Letâ€™s hope it does not come to that.

I contacted Mikael last eve. It wasâ€¦an interesting conversation. Almost as tension filled as the one that Kâ€™anko and I shared with Deirdre. The course of the heart never did run smoothâ€¦

I have many prospective employees to meet with still. I hope that I can find the time in which to do it. A vacation for the company is also on the horizon. My thoughts had originally been to have us all head back to Bronze Lake, but Kâ€™anko has told me of his plans for that tripâ€¦and while I would enjoy it, I doubt the others in Corvus would.

I suppose that is enough for now. If people were to find and read this, what would they think of me? More importantly, what do I think of myself? Twelve protect meâ€¦

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:54 AM**

In darkest hours
Silvery trails of the moon
Reflections in water
Light filters through
Glowing, Golden
Depths of which
The Twelve only knows.

Tell me your secrets
Dark desires
Pain and laughter
Push and Pull me
Stretch me
Paper thin
Twelve only knows.

Words ring in my ears
Trail up my spine
Settle in my heart
Unexpected twists
Unexpected thoughts
Unexpected feelings
â€¦Twelve only knows.Â

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:54 AM**

I havenâ€™t had much time to write at length about the events that have transpired recently.

The last time I wrote was just long enough for me to compose that poemâ€¦not that it was any good. My strengths in writing lie elsewhere I suppose. That doesnâ€™t stop me from trying, however. And the occasion called for it, I think. Twelve, if anyone were to read that, I wonder what they would think. Probably something not so flattering.

Anyroad, a couple of suns after that, Kanko, Lily, and I removed the voidsent from Eric. It was a trying experience to say the least.

The damage done to his stomach was worse than I feared. How the man will operate without one at all will be something interesting to see.Â
Lily stood guard while Kâ€™anko and I worked. Kâ€™anko did most of the work, cutting Eric open and removing the stomach. It was my job to heal. Twelve, but it took almost everything I had to heal him. I did not think it would be so taxing. I almost passed out when it was all said and done. But I had focused some of my energies on keeping Eric in placeâ€¦and then at the Voidsentâ€¦

That is another thing that troubles me. The presences in the room when we were there. There was not just the Soulcounterâ€¦.but a woman. She looked like what his Lycelle might have looked likeâ€¦Knowing what I know about what Hyrist told me, I am not so sure it wasnâ€™t her to begin with.

Eric seems to be on the road to recovery. I went and visited him the other sun and we talked of things that should have been addressed earlier. I am glad to know that there are no hard feelings between us. It helps to put my soul at rest.

There were also other suns to speak of. I got to sit back down and talk with Souyoâ€¦he has returned although much changed. Almost got himself killed soon after as wellâ€¦framed for poisoning. Anyone who knows Souyo would know that he would never do such a thing.

We had a small company meeting in which I met the new member, Starwind. I am not sure what to make of him. He has spirit, Iâ€™ll give him that much. But I did not appreciate his insinuating that I am not good at my job. I do what I can.

At the meeting, Para had a walking nightmare. Almost brought down Fallgourd Float. Scared me to bits. I may not love him anymore, but that doesnâ€™t change the fact that I am concerned over his well being. I am hoping to regulate him to secretary of Corvus. Perhaps a desk job will help to tame him.

Lainseworth has somehow found his voice again. Iâ€™m afraid that our schedules havenâ€™t been aligned, and so I have yet to ear the story of how this was accomplished. Iâ€™m sure it is quite the tale. It will be nice to hear it from his own voice.

Things with Kâ€™anko have beenâ€¦more than good. We talk about most everythingâ€¦and he puts me at ease. Well, most of the time at least. There are times when he intentionally pulls me outside of my comfort zone. I think he enjoys that far too much, if you ask me. Still, it makes me smile. When weâ€™re not speaking, we are out doing odd jobs. And trying to be tame. Trying being the operative word there.

I have promised him that I will try to lead my life for myself first and foremost. I cannot be bogged down with worries all of the time. The thought of it scares me, fills me with a sense of dreadâ€¦that I might become what I once was. Butâ€¦he makes sense. I cannot live in the shadow of my past, and instead I must move forward. I will not be that person again, not if I can stand it. Instead, I will remember that I can take time for myself, and put myself first. There is nothing wrong with thatâ€¦is there?

Ah, he calls. I suppose I should wrap this up for now. Hereâ€™s to brighter suns.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:54 AM**

I donâ€™t understand why my being a good person makes me feel like such a failure.
How coming to people in times of need makes me someone who doesnâ€™t consider herself. I donâ€™t feel like I have to do these things for others. I want to do these things for others.

We had an argument today. He doesnâ€™t understand that if this were the me before, I wouldnâ€™t have said anything back. I would have rolled over, said, â€œYouâ€™re right.â€ Tried to change myself then and there.

But that is not me anymore. I refuse to be that person. Especially not with him. He asked me a question. What would I do if he spoke to me like the others do. I do not know the answer. Honestly, I believe I would stand up to him more. I love him. I know this. And so it is easier for me to tell him how I feel than the people who work for me. There isnâ€™t as much risk involved in that. And maybe that is one of my problems as well.

Where do I go from here? That is the question. How do I start standing up and taking my life back? How do I prioritize.

I want to live for me. Want to be who I am, buried underneath these layers of shit. The layers of masks and hiding that I have done over the years.

But I am worried. What if that person isnâ€™t someone that people agree with. What if in trying to live for myself, I live only for myself.

It is hard to bend if you see the cracks forming in your surface, threatening to break you.

But if you donâ€™t bend, the winds will snap you in two.

Do you take the risk, or wait for the inevitable?

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:54 AM**

Our time alone was ephemeral, like the wind that blows, or the miasma that filters through Mor Dhona. But the time came and then went, and now I have returned home, only to end up mired in the storms that surround those I know.

Lily and Taynâ€™s company, while quite and small, is home. We have a house, and I have my own room that Kanko and I share. No one bothers us or complains when we come and go. It is pleasant indeed.

I have acquired a new Chocobo. I have named her Aldieb, and she is a beautiful purple. Her temperament is quite docile, but when it comes to fighting, she is anything but. I keep her stabled often with the rest of the chocobos that company members have. Tending to the stable is something I enjoy quite a bit. It is interesting how the personalities of each are different, and how you learn them the more time you spend with them.

I suppose it is much like people, though. You never really know someone until youâ€™ve spent time tlakling to them. I think many people look at Kanko and I and see us as contrasts and wonder what it is that we see in each other. What they fail to realize is that while we are contrasts, we are also compliments. I help to keep him grounded, and he pushes me to be more than I ever thought I could be.

Speaking of, we spent some time the other sun with the people of Dark-Embers. It is the company that Eric and Hyrist now belong to, and it is run by Claire and Lin, both of which are interesting women. We shall be helping them defeat the primal Leviathan, who seems to be stirring up more trouble as of late. Zanin, I forgot to mention that he works for them as well, is developing a potion that would enable one to swim and breathe underwater. Apparently one of the side effects is a change of colorâ€¦and the ensuing conversation convinced both Kanko and I to try something new.

Blondeâ€¦is an interesting color. I can see Kanko chafing at the color already, not enjoying the lighter hue. However, he cannot resist telling me exactly how much he likes the color on me. It has inspired me to be a bit moreâ€¦adventurous, I suppose. I shall leave it for a while and see how I like it. No one else has really seen it, however, and I am interested in seeing what the reactions are. The pink had become such an integral part of my beingâ€¦

Ah well, the bell tolls late, and there are things to do. Until later.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:55 AM**

Iâ€™ve started this entry three separate times now, and still cannot figure out what exactly it is I want to write.

The words sit there under the surface, waiting to be spoken or writtenâ€¦and yet I cannot seem to form these on the paper or with my mouth, lending them purchase and passage.

Twelveâ€¦I sound so fake sometimes when I read these, as if I actively try to come off as deeper than I actually am. I donâ€™t know what it is that Iâ€™m trying to say. And yet I continue this exercise in writing. Perhaps someone someday will find these chronicles and wonder what type of a person I amâ€¦was. And perhaps not. I doubt that I shall leave such an impression on the world that people would choose to read the ramblings of a woman such as I. Half of these entries are me crying over this man or that, the few, failed relationships Iâ€™ve had frozen forever on these pages.

The rest is me musing about what I did do or could have done but didnâ€™t. Lately I feel as if I should have more to write about, but I donâ€™t.

Iâ€™ve spoken to Lily and Tayn and have decided to take over the daytime operations of Jutat. It will be much like Corvus wasâ€¦although I donâ€™t know that Iâ€™m going to get any bites on jobs. I made up a small advertisement to post around the city states. I am simply waiting for something to come through and tell me that thereâ€™s a job to do. We shall see.

Kanko was so underwhelmed by what we were doing that he went ahead and signed up to work with Claire and Lin. I canâ€™t say that I blame him per se. It is a good place for him. I like them all very much, and they have been nothing but welcoming to me. I wonder how much of that is because I was close with Eric once upon a time.

Speaking of him, he has asked that I work together with Zanin to study the shards that they have collected. Why the Ascian woman is still after Eric, I will never know. That is a mystery that is greater to me than the origin and meaning of these shards. Yet as the one person who was close enough to feel the taint of the shards so long ago, the task falls to me to help decipher their message. I hope I am not promising to be able to do something I canâ€™t.

Sometime this week I need to meet up with miss Lin. Weâ€™re supposed to go to the Sylph encampment to deal with their people and ask for any sort of advice they might give concerning the primals. Of all the beast tribes, I have to say that I enjoy their presence most, however their speech patterns give me quite the headache.

I suppose that is enough for now. Twelve watch over all of us in the coming moons. We will need it.

***Alothia*** · **03-12-2015, 09:55 AM**

The nightmares came and came again.

First it was blackness. Nothingness. I was alone in itâ€¦cold and huddled.I could hear them again, the cacophony of voices. The words I couldnâ€™t make out, but their meaning was all too clear. Â They would take everything away from me. Everything I ever loved. Everything I do love. Â Take it and squash it underfoot like a grape in a vineyard. And I would be left alone, in the darkness, with nothing but silence and my own thoughts to haunt me.

This feeling has been plaguing me ever since. I woke up covered in sweat from that dream, and I tried not to wake Kanko. I curled up against him and fell back asleep, but the nightmares didnâ€™t stop.

I canâ€™t tell you the specifics of them. There were manyâ€¦all I remember was a sense of dread, a sense of horror. One after the other, those I cared for ripped away from me.

Iâ€™m sure thatâ€™s why I was so on edge last sun. Itâ€™s as if the knowledge that this will come to pass haunts me. Iâ€™m being whispered to, told that I am useless, a waste, that of course everyone will leave me. Why would they stay?

Fallgourd was the only place tonight that helped me remember. Seeing the roomâ€¦brought all of that back. Fighting to keep Eric alive. Struggling to keep my wits about me as people tried to take what was mineâ€¦is mine still. I cannot say that I will be as I was beforeâ€¦I donâ€™t know that I can be. I will try to keep the monsters at bay. I will try to keep the darkness from consuming what light I have left. Twelve knows that in the past year, much has happenedâ€¦.

I need to sit down and talk with someone about it. Kanko or Eric or Claireâ€¦I do not know if I can handle this on my own. Gods, how did Eric last so long?

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Menphina's Keeper [Journal]

RPC has moved! These pages have been kept for historical purposes