Insights into the Mind of a Timid Lalafell

[Riik]

((Yes, Gerik's journal did influence this being here... however, this journal is itself a few months old now, it was just solely available on the Aes Sedai Tower forum. I just remembered the fact that I don't have it on the RPC, and yet its referred to in my RP Timeline (an Excel document linked on my character bio).

 

Now technically, this is not a journal. This is an OOC recording of IC thoughts that Riku has been having. I will post all previous entries in this thread.))

[Riik]

4th APRIL 2012

 

Riku is sat upon a rock in Coerthas near the Black Shroud border. His eyes, although covered by his helmet, are facing the sky, as if seeing through the Armet's very metal. He sighs to himself, pulling some Raptor meat from his belt pouch and chewing it slowly.

 

I feel so lost these days, so confused; so overwhelmed. There is so much going on - it's a lot more busy than when I used to just roam around the wilderness. I have so much responsibilty. It's kind of hard to keep up with everything that's been going on.

 

Come on Riku, you're a Serpent Corporal now. You can't afford to lose sight of your mission... oh but it's so hard, not to get distracted. I have friends, maybe even a family - they seem to be closer to a family than my foster parents ever were - and yet... I still feel seperated from them. Why is that? Maybe it's through my lack of knowledge in certain areas, or maybe it's because Corvus Cinis have a long history behind them, and I've only just walked in on it... a bit like an intruder really. The only person in Corvus I feel is the same level to me is... Miyuki. And I love her dearly. She is everything to me. If I hadn't met her...

 

Now where is the sun, I can't see it with this helmet on... I'll have to do as I was tought by my mentor - feel my surroundings... yes. there it is. It is still afternoon, going by its position. It's a good job my official patrol schedule doesn't start yet, because I think I'm going to head back to HQ. I'm worried about my friends now that Endri is moving - I want to protect them, and I can't do it from over here. What if something bad happens whilst I'm gone? I can't let Endri down - I promised to protect everyone!

 

Then that settles it. I'm going back to HQ. And I'm going to stand guard. And anyone who tries to hurt my friends will be stopped.

[Riik]

6th APRIL 2012

 

Riku is sat upon his bed as the sun begins to rise outside the window. He looks to his side, Miyuki fast asleep under the covers, her expression peaceful and relaxed. Riku leans over her and strokes her cheek lightly.

 

Miyuki... I wish I could stay here with you. There's nothing I like more than to cuddle up to you and hold you close... but I have other things to do. Work. Duty. I'm a segeant now; people depend on me. A-although I am a little scared... I might have to order people around one day... I don't think I could do that...

 

So I suppose I'll have to leave you for now. I will be back this evening, I promise.

 

The young Lalafell sits for a moment in thought.

 

I... I still don't understand why, but I know you like this:

 

Riku places his lips against Miyuki's cheek and gives her a soft kiss.

 

I wish I did understand kissing, though... what it means exactly and why people like it. But still - you say you like me for what I don't understand. For what I don't know. And you don't want me to change - so I won't. I'll stay as I am for as long as I can. I would do anything for you.

 

But now, I have to go. Be safe Miyuki. Don't get hurt whilst I'm away.

 

Riku cuddles Miyuki gently, trying to not awaken her, then slowly gets dressed, distracted by the thought of returning to the lonely wilderness once more, leaving his friends - especially Miyuki - behind until his return in the evening.

[Riik]

10th APRIL 2012

 

Blood. Death. Pain. Darkness. Flashes in my mind. Horrible flashes. I see hordes of dead; pools of blood. Men murdered - all by my hand. I see the blade in my palm, my arms drenched in their blood... I see horrible lust in my eyes, I see a grin on my face...

 

I pray. I pray that I never become this monster. I pray that I never ever grow to enjoy killing.

 

I pray. I pray that the war will stop, everyone will be safe. The cutting, the stabbing, the slashing... the horrible killing.... I pray that it stops!

 

I'm shaking. Heh. I'm shaking really hard. Monsters don't shake. Killers don't shake. I guess I should see that as a sign... but it doesn't stop me from feeling bad... about everything.

 

Maybe Endri was right. maybe I'm not cut out for fighting. Maybe I should give up.

 

Maybe I should leave. Leave Eorzea with one less warrior. One less person to protect Miyuki.

 

No... no, I can't leave. I have to endure. I have to kill. Kill and slash and stab and KILL AND SLASH AND STAB... AND

 

"KILL AND SLASH AND STAB!!!!!!"

 

Riku starts whimpering, unable to contain the emotion, clutching at his head, just wanting the thoughts to stop. The images to leave him alone. But they don't. They just keep playing again and again and again.

 

Make it stop... make the killing stop...

 

Make it stop...

[Riik]

15th APRIL 2012

 

Nobody's at HQ. Again. Everyone's always busy. So when I get home from work, I have nothing to do. If not for the fact that Miyuki spends most of her time there, i would have moved away by now. A different place to sleep, although I would still visit Corvus Cinis.

 

It's just... there's little there for me anymore. And even when people are in, they're distracted, and then Kass and Endri go off together, and Aly goes sometimes, too. If I lived in Gridania, it would be so much easier to get to work and then back home again, and if I wasn't part of Corvus Cinis, I would be able to concentrate on my more important jobs.

 

But leaving would be disloyal. I'm not disloyal. I'll just keep coming as long as they want me around.

 

I'm angry at Endri right now. He got Aly sad, and maybe Kass a little bit, too. But then I've been feeling a bit upset about Endri for the past few days, anyway. All he ever seems to do at HQ anymore is take Kass to the bedroom, even if we're in the middle of a conversation, or she's the only person keeping me comfortable. I think sometimes he is too distracted by Kass to realise what other people want or need.

 

Riku sighs and glances up at the ceiling.

 

I don't know why, but it feels like something's missing... something has disappeared from my mind. I can't explain it. And I think the others might be hiding things from me as well. Maybe I'm feeling paranoid, I don't know. Or maybe it's true...

 

Oh yeah, Kass put some jobs on the notice board recently, didn't she? They all seem to be about finding things. And I'm not very good at that. Besides, I wouldn't know when and where to start. I mean, I want to help, I really do, but... I just don't think I'd do good enough. And nobody else seems to have signed their name up, either... and few people are ever around... sometimes I feel that... that Corvus Cinis is slowly falling apart. I hope it doesn't, I really do, but... we just don't DO anything, really...

 

Riku puts his hand on the shaft of his harpoon, and grips the weapon, slowly lifting it up and getting to his feet.

 

I guess I'll go find something to do. I don't know what, but... it's got to be better than sitting around in an empty building. I wonder what the others are doing now... 'training'? From my experience, Corvus Cinis training involves just standing around one area and fighting monsters to their extinction. It's cruel. It's repetative, and it might strengthen the body, but it certainly doesn't teach you how to fight. Proper training should have a point to it. It should help people if it's going to be that kind of fighting. Killing monsters to save others, not just for no reason. Alright, the travelling of finding jobs like that takes longer than exterminating Antling nests, or fighting hordes of raptors... but it's surely a better way to fight.

 

I just hope... I just hope they're not training like that. Like when Endri took us to Coerthus to wipe out a clan of Ixali... it's no wonder the beastmen hate other folk... the way we treat them... we should be trying to unify the races to fight the Empire, not causing new wars to weaken Eorzea. But at the moment,t his is all I've seen from the continent, and I have no idea why I'm fighting to protect people like that... but my friends are here, and I want to keep them safe... I have to fight.... I have to protect them. That's why I joined the Adders.

[Riik]

18th APRIL 2012

 

Have I done something wrong? Am I boring? Am I annoying? Or am I just hard to notice?

 

I felt almost completely ignored last night. Kass may have said hi, and Rosa teased me a little... but other than that, the members of Corvus Cinis who were present at the ampitheatre completely ignored me. Nobody even said goodbye or asked if I wanted to go with them... I was just alone the whole time, doing a stupid job that I wasn't even needed for. Nothing happened whatsoever. Genna could have easily handled it. Why I was needed to help survey the ampitheatre, I don't know. Did they think that the crowd gathered for the event might cause trouble? I suppose war puts everyone on edge.

 

I guess the isolation was the reason I didn't return to Corvus Cinis that night. At least the marmots in the Black Shroud don't ignore me.

[Riik]

19th APRIL 2012

 

So I was wrong. But I still can't help but feel... isolated. One word. A nod. A smile. That's all it could have taken. Even a hello from Aly - sure, she was being "sneaky" but that didn't mean she had to hide from me as well, did it?

 

And buisness it may have been, but there were times when Kass and Aly were doing nothing at all. One word would have been enough. A smile? It's not that hard. I still don't feel better. part of me still feels lonely and ignored. The other guilty and mistaken. Maybe I'm just not cut out to have friends. Maybe there is something I'm not doing right, or I'm getting too sensetive over it.

 

Hopefully now they'll think I'm feeling better - my unhappiness will be ignored. Then they wouldn't have to be concerned anymore. I don't want to drag them into my sorrow as well.

[Riik]

28th APRIL 2012

 

Nothing ever happens anymore.

 

Nothing.

 

Nothing has happened for days now; in fact every time I've visited HQ, nobody's been around, except Miyuki.

 

And did Aly get my message? Is Kass still upset with Miyuki? I havn't heard from nor seen either of them. I hope that-

 

No, that can't be true, can it? Has everyone gone? Is Corvus Cinis closing down? I guess Aly would have left a note or something if that happened... unless...

 

No, that can't be true either, can it? That Aly-... no... maybe she got kidnapped instead? Or maybe she's just really really busy...

 

"Sergeant Toiiku, are you listening to me!? This is important information for your mission!"

 

"Yes, sir, sorry, sir!"

 

I do hope nothing bad is happening...

 

...I just wish everything was back to normal...

[Riik]

6th MAY 2012

 

I'm almost sad to be going back to Corvus Cinis today... staying with my new friends in Gridania was fun! Torran might be a bit bossy, but he's nice! He's two years younger than me, but it feels like he's a lot older... I might have the most experience out of me and the two brothers, but when it comes to social stuff, I just feel like... like a child...

 

And then what about Mickel? Well... I suppose I feel more of a connection with him than with Torran. He's eleven, but he's still taller than me, and... well... he knows more about people stuff and has better confidence than me.

 

And then there's their mother Aeraea. She's a Hyur too, but then of course she would be! She's a little stern, but she obviously loves her sons. She seems to like me, too, although she was a little concerned when Torran brought home an older boy. She changed her mind when she got to know me, though... said something like "us taller folk are brought up to respect Lalafell properly... just because they're small and cute-looking doesn't mean they're children! But you're an exception to the rule... I suppose you're still a child, but you don't act like a fifteen year old... I suppose it's your background... didn't you tell me you grew up in the wild? That would explain it... I'm sorry for being suspicious of you at first..."

 

Well at least it ended well... and I have friends who... well... Torran's as close to my age as Miyuki is, only in the other direction... but with him and Mickel, I feel I can do more fun stuff with than with Kass and Aly and Endri... maybe i should take Miyuki with me to Torran's house one day! Although she knows more about adult stuff, and she likes reading and sitting around like adults do... but surely she will enjoy it! The Acorn Orchard is a fun place to play! And Torran is very good at hide-and-seek!

[Riik]

10th MAY 2012

 

I don't know what to do... would Aly even notice if I moved away? The last time I actually saw her was... well... wasn't it that fashion show? But Aly isn't the problem... I like Aly, but I don't see her enough anymore for it to make a difference. It's Miyuki I'm more worried about.

 

She's almost a grown-up now. So she could probably move to wherever she wants to... but I don't think she'd want to leave Aly after Kass left... but then does she ever see Aly much either? If she does... well... if I left, it would cause problems... Miyuki would have to choose either me or Aly, and I don't want to force her to do that.

 

But recently, I've been happier working than I have been at HQ... Ul'dah is so hot and full of people who only seem to want money... there's hardly any nature around, either... without Corvus Cinis members around that often, that's all I seem to notice... the horrible atmosphere of the city. Torran's mother said if I wanted to I could stay at her house, though... and that makes the choice more difficult, because at least staying there, I would see Torran and Mickel every day... whilst at Corvus Cinis, I think I'll be lucky seeing anyone other than Miyuki at least once a week.

 

If I left, though, would that mean leaving Corvus Cinis? They don't seem to give me much work there... most of the time, when the company is working, I get left behind with Miyuki... so if I left, I don't think I'd be doing any work for them at all... how would that even make me part of the company? It wouldn't... but then I'd still have Torran, Mickel and maybe Miyuki... but I don't have any friends at the Adders' Nest... most of the soldiers see me as "that kid who shouldn't have been recruited in the first place". Fulke only wants me there because I'm loyal, I focus on my duties and I'm dependable, he doesn't seem to see me as soldier material, either... even the White Wolves don't think i should be there, and they're all young...

 

If everyone at Corvus Cinis were around more, I wouldn't even need to make this choice. But Miyuki is the only reason i have to stay there, now... and I bet she would move if it was the only way she could see me just as often...

[Riik]

11th MAY 2012

 

How...?

 

How could I word it without hurting anyone's feelings?

 

Should I even tell them how I feel at all?

 

I don't think I can.

 

I've been doing so much crying recently. Torran says I cry more than Mickel does. Well... maybe I do... but I've got a lot to be upset about. What I wonder is how everyone else cope with such situations without crying...

 

But I can't cope. Maybe it's because I havn't had friends until I met Corvus Cinis. They made life so much more fun... then they started drifting away. At first, it felt like they were slowly pulling me in... making me one of them... then it felt as if they just stopped and left me somewhere near the outside. And now they've started closing all the doors between them and me.

 

I don't feel like I'm a part of it. I just feel like I'm taking up space.

 

If I did leave... how often would I visit? Maybe on the days when I'm not working... but then I'd look in, and if nobody is there... I wouldn't want to stay around. And normally, nobody's in anyway, and I have to wait for a bit... that's the only time I ever see anyone, unless Miyuki is already there. So those visits would be pointless. I'd rather spend more time with Torran and Mickel than sit around an empty room for hours.

 

And then there's the linkpearl. Didn't Aly say I could always talk over it? That's easier said than done. That thing is scary to use. There's no way of telling who is listening, and maybe some complete stranger might be there... or they might answer... no, I don't want to have to use it.

 

So what, then? I stay at Corvus Cinis? That all depends on how things go. How often I see everyone. And whether or not I feel like a part of it, and not just some sort of burden.

 

Maybe it's my fault. I'm not good enough with friends to know what do with them. Specially when they seem so... different. So much more... adult. Even Torran seems more adult than me and he's younger. But at least he's not too adult... but maybe that's why I feel so... disconnected... because I just don't know how to get close to anyone except with the way I got close to Miyuki, but that wouldn't work with the others. They're too grown-up. Too grown up to feel the same about cuddles as Miyuki does... if only some other children lived at Corvus Cinis... then maybe I would be happy there, the same way I'm happy with Torran and Mickel at Gridania.

[Riik]

12th MAY 2012

 

Is cake... magic?

 

It does weird things to me... makes me feel all... energetic and playful. I would have never considered myself able to run around HQ singing about gloopy, wobbly jelly... and to think the idea of jelly-people started when imagining what it's like to hug a fat person...

 

Still... I think Aly likes jelly... she makes a very good jelly person. I think I shall call her wibbly wobbly Aly from now on!

 

âªWibbly wobbly gloopy jelly!âª

 

I feel so happy this morning!

[Riik]

13th MAY 2012

 

Why do so many grown-up games involve those yucky drinks that make you act silly?

 

I don't like those drinks... not just because of their taste, but because it sometimes makes adults scary...

 

Still... I suppose last night was good, even though I fell asleep...

[Riik]

6th JULY 2012

 

I feel weak. Powerless. Fighting my own mind for self-control. Every little shadow, every little movement... it brings back horrible, horrible memories... but I feel safe with Miyuki. Safe and content. Aly as well, but I don't really get to see her as much... and now I'm starting to feel slightly comfortable with Leanna too.

 

I'm starting to feel more and more able to beat back the flashbacks and the depressing thoughts, but I still can't bring myself to speak... I still have minor access to my voice, but I've only ever made vocal sounds under extreme stress... mostly screams and squeaks. But at least I've built up the confidence to produce simple gestures... things are somewhat easier now that I can communicate at least in some way.

 

I hope nobody notices that I've gone out by myself today... I don't want to worry anyone... just me and the marmots, out in the black shroud like old times. Away from civilisation, where I can be free of all the things that keep me contained... buildings, stone, rules, crowds, clothing... now it's just me and nature. But even still I can't relax. Even now, I jump at shadows and forever worry about my former captors... I wish these feelings would go away and leave me alone for once...

[Riik]

Staying over at Torran's house was fun... Mickel was his usual carefree, cuddly, friendly self... but Torran... Torran was different. Less cuddly. More bossy. And I don't think he liked Leanna...

 

Torran's mum said it was because he was going through something called 'puberty' that makes... um... 'hormones' inside him go all strange. But Mickel said it was Torran's new friends' fault. Mickel even said Torran wouldn't want to go swimming with me and Mickel anymore! But Mickel wants to come with me and Miyuki some time... I don't think Thanalan would be safe for him, though... he's bigger and stronger than me, but he has no combat experience or any acrobatic skills... he probably wouldn't even be able to fight a marmot, let alone an antling... unless I can go out and persude Miyuki to come to the Black Shroud to go swimming.

 

At least I got lots of cuddles whilst I was there... Torran cuddled me when Mickel wasn't looking, Mickel hardly let go of me after I went into the house, and when their mother came home, she gave me lots of cuddles, too! Maybe I should bring Miyuki over to visit them... I think she might find the brothers to be a little... noisy and excited, but... she'll like their mother. Their mum is friendly, and likes things like sewing, reading and tending her garden. Maybe she could give Miyuki some tips!

[Riik]

Friends... I don't know... sometimes they can be a bad thing... they certainly make life more complicated... worries of upsetting them, angering them... becoming worried from not seeing them enough... it brings enough emotion to make my head explode...

 

But that's not why I'm sad right now... I don't know quite why I'm sad... I just am. It's just happening like that. Maybe because I miss seeing my friends... but when I get back to HQ, nobody's there... they're all busy or sleeping... I feel so lonely, I end up going back to Gridania to see Mickel and Torran... but seeing some of my friends regularly is not as good as seeing all of them... I still miss Miyuki, Leanna - although I only last saw her a few days ago -, Aly... even Kass and Endri, and I never ever see those two anymore; I'm starting to wonder if that means they're still my friends... maybe it's my fault I never see them... probably... I always do something wrong. But Kass and Endri aren't really as important right now... feels kind of bad to think that, but... the important one is Miyuki. Miyuki's alway's had an unusual schedule... a lot of the time staying in her room until late in the evening... she doesn't go out much... but normally I get back to HQ in the evening, and she's just not there like she used to be... is it my fault? Maybe I'm just going to bed too early... but that's what I have to do - my work starts early for the Adders and as a Dragoon, and by the time I get back, I'm exhausted. But I don't like Ul'dah or Thanalan... I certainly wouldn't stay there without Miyuki. That's why even when me and Arthur are both exhausted, I go back to to Gridania - although I leave more than enough time for Miyuki to see me... or maybe it's not enough... does she still even want to see me? Maybe she's found someone more important... maybe I'm not even needed anymore... I don't know what's going on anymore... with anyone...

 

Thinking about, maybe I do know why I'm sad. But I don't want to be sad... I know it's horrible to think, but...sometimes I wonder... would it be better if I hadn't made friends? If I hadn't decided to stay in Gridania all those moons ago? If I just carried on wandering the world on my own, surviving like a wild animal?

 

No. Because then I wouldn't have met Torran and Mickel. I would have never known what it feels like to be a normal child, to play games and laugh and do all the things I normally do with marmots, only with other boys who are as smart and as easy to understand as myself, instead of animals that are hard to read...

 

And then there's Miyuki... but I don't know if meeting her is a good thing anymore... because I care too much. So much that it hurts... it hurts when I worry. Because she's not like Torran and Mickel... she doesn't stay in one safe place... because she's almost an adult. She goes out and does things in Thanalan. And unlike Torran And Mickel's house, Corvus Cinis HQ is big... even when we're both in the same building, I might not see her. But with the two brothers, they're always there at home in the evening - I always get to see them. And their home is small... no stairs... just a big main room, two bedrooms and a bathroom. The house is so small, when I sleep over, I either end up on the sofa, or sharing a bed with Mickel... but I prefer the latter... I like cuddles... they make sleeping more comfortable... and Mickel likes cuddles too... almost as much as Miyuki does. but at HQ I end up in a room of my own... I used to sleep with Miyuki a lot, but now... I dunno... it just doesn't feel right... I don't see her as much, so it feels like I'm not a big part of her life anymore... and she's almost an adult... when adults sleep together, it normally means something more than just sharing to save space or to have warm cuddles... it seems to involve love, and sometimes that yucky sex thing they do.

 

Why are adults so yucky? Sexing and kissing and drinking that icky stuff, and smelling strange and growing hair all over? Specially the tallfolk... at least Lalafell don't always get as hairy or smelly - although I have seen some very hairy Lalafell men before... I don't ever want to be an adult. But it'll happen in a few years, won't it? I'm not ready.

 

Life just isn't nice.

 

Well it seems it's time to go to the Nest and see what duties I have today... I don't want to go... my leg is still all stitched up, and I can't walk properly so I have to fight from on Arthur's back... it feels mean putting my chocobo in danger... and my superiors say I don't have to work, either, but... it's imporant... I need to help keep Eorzea safe... otherwise the Garleans would win... and that would be sad.

 

No, I must go to keep everyone from harm. Even if it means getting myself or my chocobo hurt.

[Riik]

How can I word these feelings? I can't... it's hard... there's just no way... because I have no idea just what they are. They're just there. Are they good? No. I feel like I just want to scream. But how would I describe it...?

 

Insecurity? Frustration? Loneliness? Isolation? Maybe a mixture of all.

 

I just want to be with Miyuki right now... but she's not around again today. I've seen plenty of Torran and Mickel - spending time with them won't help this time. No, I need Miyuki... and Aly... because I havn't seen either of them enough recently. But that's just how it goes. You can't choose what happens and when. everyone has their own schedules and their own hobbies. Can't expect them to be seeking you out with the same level of diligence as you do them.... and I bet neither Miyuki nor Alothia sit around for hours waiting for me.

 

Naturally, of course, I would understand for Aly... she's got other friends who are more important to her than I am... and she has responsibilities, but with Miyuki... I don't know... I don't expect her to be seeking me out any more... perhaps her schedule gets in the way, perhaps not, but if she was as actively trying to encounter me as I her, we would have managed so by now... yesterday, it was just luck that brought us together... Miyuki got delayed on returning to HQ... a sandstorm or something, I think... and she found me where I fell asleep on the floor in the front room.

 

I know Miyuki cares... she was crying yesterday morining from worry... I just wonder whether... whether spending time with me isn't important anymore. Do I bore her? Or perhaps she just needs me less than she used to... could she have found someone else? Maybe she's been spending more time with Leanna... maybe their relationship has become close enough to stop her from needing to see me as much... it kind of hurts when you end up finding someone ending up as your closest friend, only for them to slip away, as if you mean less to them in terms of standing out from other friends than they to you.

 

I suppose this is the danger really of entering someone else's life with barely any friendships of your own whilst they already have established relationships. Miyuki after all had a whole family before I met her... whilst I had nothing... just emerging friendships with Kassandra and Alothia.

 

It's not just Miyuki though... or Miyuki and Alothia... everyone seem to be slipping away... it has been quiet in Corvus Cinis recently, and it has been a while since I have seen Syd or Burgen or Tessa. And even longer with Kass and Endri.

 

But I don't know... maybe it's good everyone is moving on... I've seen that I'm more of a burden than anything else. I bring worry and sadness to Miyuki... Alothia ends up having to look after me... and the rest just seem to get annoyed, frustrated, weary, confused or tired of me. Is it my childishness? After all, Corvus Cinis are a company of adults and adolescents with a reasonably professional goal. Everyone can look after themselves without insecurities like my own... everyone except me. I don't have the social skills or the confidence or the ability to fit in without being a burden... That's why I still after all these months feel like an outsider, with friendships connecting me to certain members; but not enough to be inclusive. I have no proffesional ties with the company anymore, either... I havn't done any missions for them for a couple of weeks, and before that, it was just that Mavanix stuff, and the role I played I could have easily done whilst working alone... and it wouldn't have affected the company in the slightest. No, the only connections I have now with HQ are my friends. I don't deserve to live there anymore. But I can't return to my old ways of living, because I have too much stuff now; and I can't live in a place of my own, because I can't look after myself in a civilised environment... I can't do housework properly, I'm clumsy, I don't know the rules of things... I'd mess it up.

 

But then... I can't stay with Mickel and Torran either... their house is too small for me to stay permanantly. Not enough beds. But I'm quite sure that soon, I will leave Corvus Cinis... I will still visit just as much as I do now, but... I don't want to burden them any longer. However, I can't leave until I find a place to stay. And I can't live alone because I can't look after myself, and I can't live in the wild because I have too many belongings. What then? Maybe I could find someone to adopt me, but... there are orphans in all the cities. On the streets of Ul'dah, with the carpentry guild in Gridania and living as beggars and peasants in Limsa Lominsa. I won't find anyone. So I'm stuck at Corvus Cinis.

 

No... there is an alternative. One that may work. Yes... I could use my room in HQ for storage only. Sleep out in the wilderness, bringing a limited selection of clothing with me so I have protection, and at least 2 outfits so that I can change clothes and wash those I wore on the previous day. Because then, all I'd be doing at Corvus Cinis is using a room up... no more using up their food or their water... but then... would I really visit HQ as much? No... because I would be staying in the Shroud - Thanalan is too hot for me. Ul'dah would be too out of the way to go every evening, and then go back to Gridania again at night.

 

So i can't leave... and really, I don't want to anyway... i just don't want to be a burden, either. What I really want is a family. Parents. Or just one parent will do. Instead of having to rely on the off chance of bumping into someone in HQ to fulfil the roll of guardian for the day. But who would adopt a shy, wild, immature and insecure Lalafell like myself?... maybe Miyuki if she was maybe ten years older... but Torran's mother calls me awkward, and I've heard comments from Adders members...

 

I guess the answer to that is simple. I will never experience the feeling of having a proper parental guardian... my foster parents until I was ten years old don't count, because I spent very little time at home, and they were too old to do much more than the basics. I never grew an attatchment or need for them. I suppose the closest person I've ever had to a proper parent is Aly, but... no, she wouldn't want to have that role. She's got enough responsability.

 

I feel so lonely right now... I don't know what to do... all i can do is hope that someone comes along to rescue me from all this. Someone who will always be there - someone who can look after me without me feeling bad. Someone who for once in my life can make me feel like an ordinary boy.

[Riik]

Corvus Cinis... a family... yes, I understand, but... I don't know... it's a family in the same way as a bunch of adults who have come to live together as close friends is a family... it's a different kind of love... not the kind I see between Torran's family... the kind that makes me feel alone in the world... because I never felt love like that.

 

My foster parents were nice, but they quickly knew that I was too wild at heart for them to get close to in that way - they wanted to... they told me as much... but they couldn't. I ended up more being like a wild animal that couldn't look after itself so they were leaving out food for... only they were doing a little more than that... they made me baths, food, and gave me books to read and study. But it was never love. That was why they let me leave when I was ten.

 

But now the closest person I have to a parent is Aly... but she's got a lot of other responsabilities... could she ever love me in that way...? I don't think she could... professionally, anyway. She's running Corvus Cinis, after all... she can't care for me in any manner more than anyone else... although she does have some sort of relationship with Zenge...

 

So... what, I ask Aly to adopt me...? No, don't be silly Riku... that would just be awkward... besides, I'm not far from being an adult... although inside, I feel very far away... so then will I ever find anyone to care for me like that? Besides, I don't want to ask such things because... I've proved I can look out for myself in some manners... in combat, in survival... and as I can survive without parentage, and with it being such a responsability... it would just cause an unnecissary burden.

 

So that's it, then. The closest I will get to that kind of love is watching Torran's family... or my relationship with Miyuki, but that's like she's an older sister, I would still not know what it's like to be looked after... but in places like Ul'dah... I feel I need the looking after... to be taught how to act in a city... to have someone to come to with problems based on it... I suppose Aly fills that role at the moment, but... it doesn't feel enough... something's missing... I think it's that feeling of being loved in that way. But I can't force feelings like that on others, even if I do love Aly as I would a parent myself. Does Aly care the same way back? Probably not, because she's got too many to look out for, being the boss and everything... I don't even know if she sees how much I feel the need for such a connection.

 

Well at least I have Corvus Cinis at all, because I could have easily ended up not knowing them... and would have ended up staying in the shroud on my own, working for the Adders whilst watching other families pass by with their love, feeling none from anyone for myself... I think it would have been easier if I kept wandering, because I would have never learned about families in such a manner... I would have had no reason to long for one... and would have been content with the minimalistic lifestyle.

 

Maybe I should ask... eventually... but I'll build up to it... to reduce the awkwardness... and increase the chance of success.

[Riik]

Miyuki... why are you never around anymore...?

 

No matter when nor how long I wait, I never see you...

 

You don't need my company anymore, I guess... but I still need yours. I definately still need your company.

 

I can feel you slipping away from me... and I can only blame myself. Because you'd never avoid me for no reason.

 

What have I done wrong? What could I do to have you around now?

 

You're the only reason I even bother coming back to Ul'dah every evening... even Aly's not enough for that.

 

Well maybe I should just stay in Gridania from now on.

 

Or... maybe I should start later... because I still have hope.

 

Please... give me reason to keep coming back...

[Riik]

That person in the hood... Shiro... he was very helpful today. Helpful because I had someone to talk to... to empty my emotions at... the cuddle tightly. A complete stranger... and it makes me think... should I keep coming back to the one place that makes me feel upset more than anywhere else? Because when I'm at Corvus Cinis HQ, all I can do is watch the doors for the miniature chance that Miyuki might come through...

 

I havn't seen her in.. how long? Five suns? And then... when was the last time I saw her before that...? I can't remember... around ten suns, maybe... and it hurts... it hurts even more because the only other person who i can cuddle or talk to as openly is Alothia, and she's too busy to be around much nowadays. So I'm left with nobody... well except Leanna, but my relationship with Leanna is a lot less... deep. It's a surface-level friendship. Leanna's just not the kind of person I feel I can get deep with. Then there's the two brothers in Gridania... I definately feel a deeper relationship with Mickel than anyone except Miyuki and Alothia, but it's still not enough... And I can't come to him with my troubles because he's too young and immature to help me properly.

 

All these bottled up feelings...

 

Sadness from being away from Miyuki...

 

Sadness from not having a proper family... or parents...

 

Sadness from feeling like a burden on Corvus Cinis...

 

And there's never anyone around to help me deal with them... holding them in just makes me want to scream...

 

I'm still unsure about what to do about Corvus Cinis... I want to stay, but... every second I spend in HQ, I feel more and more upset...

 

And then there's this awful thought... the awful wish that none of this had ever happened... the part of my mind that tells me to forget everything and return to my wandering of the world, never to see anyone ever again. Because it is tempting to do.

[Riik]

Family...

 

I was right to be so upset.

 

I was definately missing out.

 

Family is like... like a great giant hug. It makes everything better.

 

Now that I have a new mum... and a new dad... I feel... happy. They are everything I ever hoped for... but having Miyuki as a sister... that isn't really any different from her being my friend, because... we were already as close as I thought we could be. I suppose I was right. But at least it means now I can hopefully cuddle her without people thinking that we're... um... on a date.

 

I can't wait to tell everyone the good news!

 

I wonder if it means I get a new second name, though... I hope not... I want to keep mine... because it's the only thing I have that's from my real parents. The jewel on my forehead was from when they died and I got taken to my homeland... a-and everything else I got is either from my foster parents who weren't really parents when I was really young, or from my time in Eorzea.

 

I just came across two Lalafell in Thanalan today whilst getting some fish from the docks to take back home... one was that Trelose person... and the other... I think I only vaguely saw them once when I was looking for Leanna with Eliza. I don't think he liked me though... he sort of scared me... I hope I don't meet him again... he knows Miyuki, though... and all her family.

 

I feel very uncomfortable around Trelose as well... he's almost as shy as I am... but he seems to have had a very sheltered life... he knows very little of the outside world... and he can't even run with bare feet outside without it hurting. I mean, I suppose it hurts for me as well, but I'm used to it. I practically lived outside for... well... for all my life, really. But the main reason is every moment is just awkward silence...

[Riik]

There is so much to think about right now...

 

The imperial invasion... Dalamud falling... my new family... whether or not that Kou person likes me... Miyuki's worries... My jobs... Corvus Cinis...

 

Some things that worry me... make me sad... and some things that make me really really happy...

 

If only things could just be... normal...