Astrid's Journal

[Kismet]

[align=center]~2nd Sun of the 2nd Umbral Moon, 1573~[/align]

 

 

Truly, I am monstrous. My two dearest siblings gawked at me as though I were the second coming of Bahamut. The air was thick with many things. Fear. Horror. A sickening scent. Even swallowing proved to be painful.

 

What would Mother and Father say? Can I even go back home? No, I cannot. I will be banished from their house... From the Conjurer's Guild, from Gridania. Who would dare speak to a despicable girl like me? These were my thoughts at the time. I was warned. I believed no one. And yet... What I saw today...

 

Lamont and Ingrid promised that they would tell no one. My sin has now become theirs to share. What will come of this? How can I live with myself for the rest of my life? Even if no one finds out, even if the images one day fade from my memory... Surely, it will catch up with me. I must do something. Anything. Anything to atone for this horrible, horrible occurrence.

 

How could this... Why me of all people?

 

[align=center]~[/align]

 

((Some of the ink is smudged, likely by tears. The page is worse for the wear, however, due to intense wrinkling and stains of an unknown substance. Another heavily wrinkled paper, folded, is tucked between this page and previous.))

 

 

So sweet, your life. Bare, wavering, beating. Raw.

Empty, each one. As they meet a bed of rock.

 

 

I take.

Noise. Recoil.

Yet, I take.

Terror. Anguish.

And still, I take.

 

 

Where have I gone? Overwhelming disgust. Myself.

Still. Sound and still, now. As if I were alone.

 

 

What are you?

 

[Kismet]

[align=center]~28th Sun of the 4th Umbral Moon, 1577~

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[align=center](8/28/13)[/align]

 

 

I met a strange girl today.

 

Never before have I encountered someone so bratty, so harsh, so quick to judge others. I do not even know her name. I asked, but she refused to tell me. Dark blue robes and long, curly crimson tresses. Seemed to be near my age, perhaps between sixteen and eighteen. One of her eyes was green, the other blue. A rounded, pale face and flawless skin. She looks like... I can also describe her as a doll. Fitting, because she is quite tiny for a Midlander.

 

A Thaumaturge. We chatted for a while at the Bannock. Some of our interests were shared, like our fondness for reading in peaceful places. It is actually somewhat funny -- she called me a moron when she first saw me. A male Miqo'te noticed that I was napping beneath a tree at Bentbranch Meadows. This girl thought I was an idiot for slumbering there. Well, it was raining, you see. But it was only a light drizzle and it began some time after I closed my eyes... But I digress. Poor thing was not fond of the rain at all. I followed her to the Bannock to check if she was alright.

 

Annoying. My initial thought. Who looks down upon others so easily with little to no basis? An ugly trait. I would know better than anyone, displaying the same unattractive quality myself whenever a person greatly angers me. Yet, she... is so alluring to look at. Surely there is something more there, is there not? A girl this pretty cannot be so wicked in heart. But that may just be the Romantic in my head talking.

 

I did not give her my name. If the Twelve have truly fated us to meet, we would do so again.

[Kismet]

[align=center]~1st Sun of the 5th Astral Moon, 1577~

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[align=center](9/1/13)[/align]

 

 

I have met the girl I wrote of a few days prior once again. It seems that I have been assigned to be her bodyguard. A curious turn of events.

 

Her name is Alice. Alice Lancaster. How lovely. It suits her, with that doll-like appearance of hers. It took me quite a bit of work to get that information out of her, though! She very much did not seem to desire my services at first. Alice tried her hardest to avoid me, attempting to lead me astray with a fake name, countless excuses, distractions, and even blatantly walking away from me. So feisty!

 

I was never one to back down from a challenge simply because it was difficult, however. I continued to pursue Alice until she finally broke down and came to terms with my presence. I think it had something to do with the fact that I reassured her I would not interfere with her daily life. I would simply escort her from place to place if the distance was considerable or the location sketchy.

 

My mentors at the Gladiator's Guild told me that the contract requested by the Thaumaturge's Guild had no cut-off date listed, so Alice will be my charge until someone says otherwise. I trust that our relationship will be an interesting one.

[Kismet]

[align=center]~6th Sun of the 5th Umbral Moon, 1577~

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[align=center](10/6/13)[/align]

 

 

Thirty-two suns have passed.

 

I never... How could I imagine that a person could surprise me so much? In such a small amount of time? Alice opened herself up to me one day. It was the second time I had ever brought her to the Sanctum of the Twelve. She adores it there. We ended up speaking of many things, mostly about me. Alice wanted to know so much about me. My interests, my quirks, my thoughts, my habits, my childhood. Pray do not get the wrong idea. It was not invasive in the slightest. I found it charming, much like her.

 

I find myself talking to her freely. No one I have ever escorted anywhere before was so curious about me, let alone actually found me worth speaking with. The fact that she knows nothing of my awful sins likely plays a large hand. However... I cannot describe it. I can be myself in a way unlike before when I am at her side. I do not feel afraid or restricted. The only anxieties I ever possess are worries of impressing the girl. Worries that are needless. Alice is rarely, if ever, displeased by anything I tell her. Me? Amazing? An odd conclusion to hear one draw about a woman such as myself.

 

Alice's nameday will be four suns from now. I very much want to give her a nice little present, but I am going to be busy during that time period. I am considering forging her a pair of earrings, but my goldsmithing skills are mediocre at best. I really love having her as a new friend as opposed to just being some charge I never talk to, so I want to show her my appreciation!

[Kismet]

[align=center]~24th Sun of the 5th Umbral Moon, 1577~

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[align=center](10/23/13)[/align]

 

 

What... What am I doing?

 

It is early morning now and I awoke holding that girl... Holding Alice in my arms. We are at the Hermit's Hovel near the Floating City of Nym. I did nothing untoward, I swear. But, my memories of the night prior are vivid in my mind. The feeling is still burning in my chest, my fingertips, my tongue. I am stroking her cheek as I scribble this...

 

For some time now, I have wanted to kiss those lips. And last night, I did so.

 

Alice confessed to me that she was falling in love with me. Are 'falling in love' with someone and 'loving' someone two different things, two different phases of being in love with a person? I am unsure. Some would say it is, some would say it is not. I tried my best to deter her. I feigned ignorance, acting as if she only meant the claim in terms of friendship. I had no choice but to address the situation directly once she worded it in such a way that was impossible to deny. I admitted to her that I had no idea she would be so persistent. I... kind of turned her down in a roundabout sort of way. I needed to focus on my job. I cannot date my employer's client. Is that not indecent? I must stay professional. Mixing business and pleasure is not a practice that typically ends well. Not to mention that my past... I just... I do not want Alice to get involved in any of that. I do not want her to be sickened by me.

 

Anyway, it is no surprise that things between us quickly grew awkward. She did not take my reaction well and considered ending our contract. We could not just pretend that entire conversation did not happen, despite my pleas. We took shelter within the unclaimed house from the heavy rain, sitting on the bed next to one another in silence. After a time, I began to tremble. I did not know what to do. I was going to lose my friend. I would never see her again. Why did she have to become so attached to me? What if I die? What if I accidentally hurt her? What if...

 

Seeing me shake, Alice climbed down to the lower floor and sat at the desk, quietly crying. I could not bear it. It all felt so stupid. I am asking myself questions that do not need to asked. I like this girl. I like her so very much. I had been falling in love with her myself all along. Am I being young and impulsive? Oh, definitely. Do I care? Not much. We could not go back to how we were. It was this or nothing.

 

So I walked up, demanded that she stand, and pulled her close to me. I told her what I wanted and she allowed me to kiss her. And so we kissed... and kissed... and kissed.

 

I wonder if I got a bit carried away? I found myself teasing her in the beginning, before it progressed to something rather steamy. Kissing her brought out the most raw, unrestricted part of me... For a time, the animal within me arose. I did not have to be this polite, selfless knightess for once. I could be greedy. I could be rough. I could make her tremble and whimper before the passion of my touch. I made her succumb to me, belong to me. I called her a demon, a witch. She had done this to me. I was not myself. No... That is wrong. I was more myself than I had ever been in a very, very long time.

 

Alice asked me if this meant we were officially dating. I said yes.

 

...I only hope I do not regret my actions.

[Kismet]

[align=center]~13th Sun of the 1st Astral Moon, 1572~[/align]

 

 

Oh, Ingrid.

 

You bare the rare gift of Black Magic. I was quite young when it first surfaced within you. You were around fourteen or fifteen, so I was nine or ten. A freak accident is what many at the Thaumaturge's Guild called it... Mutyro, your mentor, and a large portion of the room around him in any direction. Frozen solid underneath several layers of ice. Your fingertips looked frostbitten. Mutyro's expression forever fixed into that of a silent scream. Everyone's eyes were wide with shock, including mine, but none were wider than your own.

 

Who could ever anticipate you would possess such an abnormally large mana pool that you could pull off the long-forgotten spell of Freeze, let alone that you would even know how? You lacked the control and focus of seasoned Thaumaturges, despite being the top of your class. Luckily, this is also the reason that Mutyro did not die, bless the Twelve.

 

I feel that it is, at least in part, my fault. You innocently showed me the amazing new ability one lazy afternoon, demonstrating by freezing a flower and the surrounding patch of grass. You thought it to be an unimpressive improvement upon a simple Blizzard spell. I convinced you to perform it during your next performance review. Neither of us had any idea that Ingrid's attempt to freeze an entire barrel of water before her beloved mentor would turn into...

 

Why do I recall this story now? Five years have passed and you have changed much. You climbed a ladder no one else could dare to tread, mastering spell after spell. Discovering or learning dark art after dark art. The look in your eyes when you practice your magic now is not the same as it was when we were little. You look kind of scary now. I wonder if you would get mad if I told you that. Is... Is that how I look whenever I wield a sword? I always thought Lamont was only joking when he said stuff like that, but...

 

That event of freezing Mutyro, despite its horror, garnered massive attention both negative and positive. Teachers whisked you away for hours or even days on end, gleefully watching as their new guinea pig tested theory after theory. I disliked this greatly, but you did not mind. I could not object if you were willingly participating in all these experiments and intense lessons. Meanwhile, I could not even conjure a puff of smoke, let alone a fireball. You and I have always been on completely different wavelengths, haven't we? Besides our blood and our knack for magic, there is only one other thing we share so closely, word for word.

 

Our love for--

 

[align=center]~[/align]

 

((The final half of the sentence has been scribbled out so violently that the paper is torn.))

[Kismet]

[align=center]~7th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon, 1577~[/align]

[align=center](11/7/13)[/align]

 

 

Lhei and I have been rivals for a very long time. No, that is not completely accurate... I see it as a one-sided rivalry. And I say this not out of vanity or spite. I say it because while Lhei may have wanted our friendship to end, I never did.

 

Today I saw her in the Arcanist's Guild and she snatched my grimoire away, ripping the pages to shreds and heavily damaging the cover. She told me that I was a failure as an arcanist and suggested that I leave. Emotions swirled within me. I was unsure how to respond. That is when Lhei brought my sister into it, declaring I would never live up to her reputation. I could not contain myself after that. I began crying terribly and fled. I dare not even glance at Alice, who had witnessed the entire thing.

 

She comforted me afterwards... Apparently she even gave Lhei a good smack. It is unladylike of me, but a tiny part of me wishes that I could have seen that. Just a little bit.

 

Lhei was one of two Miqo'te I grew up with. The other, a Sun Seeker called C'senja, was my first crush. When I was around the age of thirteen, I told her how beautiful I thought she was. Her hair was a gorgeous strawberry blonde. She had these huge honey brown eyes. I was so nervous. I almost tremble thinking about it even now. The luck of the Twelve was shining upon me that day, however. C'senja seemed to share my feelings.

 

It was a short-lived bliss, however. Her family moved away. I have never told anyone about her, with the exceptions of Lhei and Ingrid. (Well, Alice now knows the story, too.) I told them almost everything. Three years later, Lhei walked into the Thaumaturge's Guild one day and was my enemy. Not to mention there was a grand shift in her personality. She has not given me an explanation for either occurrence.

 

How can I show my face at the Arcanist's Guild again? Surely Lhei will antagonize me every chance she gets. I am afraid to go back there.

[Kismet]

[align=center]~10th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon, 1577~[/align]

[align=center](11/10/13)[/align]

 

 

I have told Alice many things about myself in the past couple of days. I admitted to her how my first crush spawned my love for Miqo'te women (and my preference for women romantically in general, actually). I also admitted that I was worried about the future of our relationship. I do not have a clear picture of where we will be in a year or more. I have been ignoring or resisting Alice's advances.

 

It shames me to say that I am not sure if I love her.

 

Do I lust for her? Greatly. Few moments of the day go by where I am not picturing her quivering in my embrace, flesh bare. But... Does the animal of my instincts betray my human heart? Did I simply kiss her that night and tell her that I loved her so that she would not leave me? So that... I would not be alone? Or perhaps I only did so because I did want to lose sight of my prey. I did not want such delicious-looking flesh to escape from my grasp.

 

How much of a simpleton do I have to be to have trouble discerning love from lust? Self-inquiry of this nature feels vacuous. But it is what it is. I am unsure. I am frightened.

 

I finally made love to her last night. It is early morning now. I feigned sleep to slip away and write this entry. How could I sleep? I made love to a girl I am not even sure I hold genuine feelings for. I did not tell her this outright, but I did let her know that I was concerned about the strength of our relationship. Alice was stalwart as ever in her position. I expected that.

 

This will tear away at me, surely. It shall eat at my insides and thrash about in my skull until I can stand it no longer. I deserve it. If it turns out that my instincts do have the better of me than my heart, then... Then I have been leading Alice on for not much more than my own enjoyment and self-validation, like some sort of disgusting egomaniac.

 

I will return to her side and try my best to rest now. I want to awake before she does so I can prepare breakfast. At least it will take my mind off of things.

[Kismet]

[align=center]~27th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon, 1577~[/align]

[align=center](11/27/13)[/align]

 

 

Much... So much has transpired in the past two weeks. Even now, my head is still spinning as I try to recall the majority of it.

 

To begin, I am not sure if I previously wrote that Alice told me she had run away from home when we first became friends. I never thought anything of it. I have met countless runaways in my lifetime. That and Alice is intelligent, albeit stubborn. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she ran away for a good reason. Little did I know, her reason was even better than I could imagine.

 

Alice is a Garlean. This explains much about the girl's lack of certain social understandings...

 

Am I bothered by it? Not in the slightest. She communicated this fact to me after I spoke to her about my political and moral feelings regarding the war. I told her that the standard Eorzean assumption that coming from the Empire automatically makes you evil is absurd. Even the Garleans who kill for sport are not necessarily evil at their core. It is their way of life, thrust unto them by some insane tyrant from the moment they are born (or from the moment their territory was conquered in the case of brainwashed conscripts). I wish that some day, Eorzeans and Garleans can form a truce of some sort. Magic and magitek, when properly combined, could forge paths to new kinds of magic previously thought to be impossible.

 

My words likely caused something to stir within her. She felt comfortable with finally letting me know, as I would not reject her. And I did not. Who Alice was before she came to me means little. My Alice is my Alice, Garlean or not.

 

In more recent news, due to the very information I just wrote of, an attempt at kidnapping Alice was made... However, I really should get some rest. I wore myself out with training today. I will elaborate on this tomorrow.

[Kismet]

[align=center]~28th Sun of the 6th Astral Moon, 1577~[/align]

[align=center](11/28/13)[/align]

 

 

As I earlier mentioned, someone attempted to kidnap Alice. This was by a Moon Keeper Miqo'te we had actually met a few weeks earlier named Tsimh. She was hired by who she thought to be Alice's father, when it was in fact Alice's uncle. Alice said that it was likely that her uncle posed as her father in order to convince Alice to come back of her own accord, but she knew better. Her father had been killed by her very own hand.

 

In order to avoid making this unnecessarily long, Tsimh overpowered both myself and Alice (with the aid of non-lethal poisons). I luckily came across Vallon, a Seeker Miqo'te that Alice and I met randomly one day, and he proceeded to aid me in tracking the two down. Our efforts were almost for naught, as Tsimh sought me out herself the next day. She demanded double the amount Alice's uncle offered her (two-million gil) if I wanted her turned over to me as opposed to the Empire, and that I would have a month to produce the money while she held onto Alice. In the time they had been together, Aice must have told her something that made her change her tune. I believe it was revelation that once claimed, Alice would likely be killed... and Tsimh as well.

 

I was reckless and declared that I was going to initiate battle, despite the fact that Tsimh had two lackeys with her. I did not see what I had to lose at that moment. Alice was right there in front of me. I did not have to agree to such ridiculous terms when I could just take what I wanted. A barbaric thought process? Maybe. But it was efficient. That and had Vallon plus both my siblings as backup. I was well-prepared to fight her on sight before she even proposed the deal.

 

...But Vallon is even more reckless and spontaneous than I. Before I had a chance to even do anything, he charged forth and slashed whoever and whatever was in his path. Tsimh and Alice got the worst of it. I scrambled for Alice and began healing her. There were few occasions where I use White Magic over conjury... I chose that moment as one of the rare exceptions. My knowledge of the art should not be surprising, when Ingrid is gifted in Black Magic. She and I are essentially two faces of the same coin.

 

I wanted to kill Tsimh. I was angry at Vallon for hurting Alice, but he did not create the scenario for it to happen. Tsimh did. Were it not for my sister, brother, and even Alice herself all holding me back... Tsimh's body would likely be at the bottom of the ocean right now. This thought does not illicit even the smallest bit of guilt from out of me. She had poisoned Alice twice (the first time was when we met her, but we didn't realize it at the time), kidnapped her, and even hit her. Not mention how she poisoned, injured, and groped me. This woman stopped deserving to live in my eyes from the moment she announced her true intentions.

 

I do not know where she is now, but Alice did tell me of a good point she made (Ingrid had cast Sleep on me to keep me from killing her). This would not end with Tsimh. Unless Alice's uncle is killed, this will likely never stop. Tsimh was not even first person hired. Someone else that we had met was hired first, and Tsimh was instructed to kill them due to presumed failure. If necessary, I will work my way to Alice's uncle myself and convince him to leave her alone with my blade. In the meantime, we should be alright for now.

 

There is an issue of Ingrid letting the one thing I wanted to keep hidden from Alice slip. She now knows that I am a murderer. Alice claims that she cares not about such information and I do not even have to tell her the story if I do not want to. But... It is not the sort of thing that can just get thrown out there and then left alone. I need to explain things to her properly one day. I do not know if she will stay with me after that... This frightens me greatly.

[Kismet]

[align=center]~15th Sun of the 2nd Astral Moon, 1578~[/align]

[align=center](3/15/14)[/align]

 

 

I tried my hardest. I really did.

 

I do not know why I randomly have these berserk fits when I blank out. No one knows. I cannot even find evidence of anyone else in the world with this issue. I've gone to so many people, tried all kinds of things. Nothing works. Not even warriors, the masters of controlling one's rage, could help me. I am alone in my battle.

 

I refuse to hurt Alice because of it... so I left her. What a strange thing to write. She would not let me go. Clinging to me and begging me to stay. It hurt so, so much to see her cry. To literally shove her away from me. I think she actually cried until sleep took her. Otherwise, she likely would've kept crying forever. I am disgusting. I have done what I promised I would never do. I caused her pain and I left her. The times I have told myself that I didn't deserve her... I was right. How dare I think things could've worked out between us? How dare I?

 

I left her a little over half of my personal savings and the keys to my house. I won't be needing them any longer. My new home is in Coerthas now. A small, freezing, and... worst of all... lonely cabin in the snowy mountains. I quit my job as a bodyguard. I quit my job as an alchemist. I wanted to erase myself. For making Alice cry, I shouldn't exist. How can I? If I don't have her anymore?

 

Sleep will not come to me. I brought a pillow with her scent on it with me. It smells like her hair. How can I sleep knowing she's not here? Not in my arms? Cold. It's too cold, here. I miss you, Alice.

 

...I miss you.

 

~

 

((The writing is rushed, sloppy. The ink is also heavily smeared. Tiny, dried wet spots litter the parchment.))

[Kismet]

[align=center]((After breaking up with her, Astrid left this letter to Alice before leaving for Coerthas.))

[/align]

 

 

My Dearest Alice,

 

 

Let me start by saying what is most important. I love you, Alice. With all of my heart.

 

I know that my actions have said anything but in your mind, but my heart will always be yours. Even if I never see you again, even if you find someone else, even if whatever affection you had for me darkens and fades into utter hatred… I shall continue to love you forever.

 

Why did I leave? Your life comes before all else in terms of my priorities. Even before my own. Confident that my outbursts of rage were worsening and could not be contained, I grew worried that I would cause you physical harm. I do not know when, where, or why I might snap. I have already hurt two people that are dear to me...

 

You are different, however. You are, quite literally, my everything. I could not bare it if I spilled any amount of your blood. The best way I could prevent this scenario from ever happening was to stay away from you. I had to leave. I did not feel comfortable being in your proximity if I had no way of knowing when I might go insane.

 

Knowing this, please do not blame yourself. I have never been angry with you. You have only improved my life, and now that I have forcefully ripped you from it... I will worsen as a person. Remember when I told you that we do not complete one another? That instead, we made each other better? Without you, I am worse than being incomplete. I am nothing.

 

Will you open this letter right after you wake up? Will you open it days or weeks from now? Or perhaps in years? Maybe never. Should you forever leave it sealed, that is alright. I completely understand your decision to never read it. You must be thinking, ‘this person is horrible for breaking my heart and leaving me all alone’. Why should you read this, right? Why should you waste your time with the words of a woman who made you weep so deeply?

 

However, I needed to write this letter. On the off chance that you may actually read it. To assure myself that I did not leave without conveying my honest feelings. To hopefully convince you that my intentions were nothing but good. But if you never forgive me for what I have done for the rest of your life, that is fine. I understand. I do not deserve to be forgiven.

 

Please take care of yourself, my darling. I love you more than you could possibly ever know.

 

 

I’m very sorry,

 

Astrid

[Kismet]

((Extreme OOC Note: During my hiatus from the game, these were some entries I made for Astrid mainly for the reading pleasure of Alice's player. Essentially, Astrid's time in Coerthas was my time away. Rather than recreate them all here, I'm saving space and only including the document. Reading this is not really necessary to get caught up with Astrid's story, but it's there for the curious.))

 

Please click here to read. Thank you!

[Kismet]

[align=center]~20th Sun of the 6th Umbral Moon, 1578~[/align]

[align=center](12/20/14)[/align]

 

 

At last! I have recovered my journal from among my things. Lamont has an odd self-proclaimed method to his madness when it comes to packing... Let's get a bit caught up, shall we?

 

I have spent the last hour going over my previous entries. To think I have come so far in so little time. It is surreal, in a way. If anyone were to be reading this silly thing other than myself, it would come as quite a shock from the last handful of entries that I am living with Alice again... and I plan to marry her!

 

I was rather upfront in expressing my intent to propose to her. Color me surprised that she would actually even have me. After treating her so poorly, breaking off our relationship and running off, leaving her to fend for herself... All because of some ridiculous worry I bore over hurting her in an uncontrollable rage. I have learned that merely being near Alice is enough to settle my soul. Her love calms me. Cliched, yes. But I care not. This woman cannot leave my side. Ever. She is a part of me, and I, her. We will make lovely wives for one another, shining down on all of Hydaelyn with our passionate smiles.

 

I do not wish to recount the details of how we resolved our... issues. Some embarrassing things went down that are shameful at best. (I lost my mind in Coerthas. I began talking to a small present Alice had given me as though it were her. I honestly believed she was in it for a time... As I said, embarrassing!) Alice came and found me in that lonely, frozen world. I believe Lhei alerted her to the fact that I included my new address on the back of my goodbye letter. I held her close by the fire and promised I would make good on being her exception to every rule. Promised I would never let her go this time.

 

I went back to the Alchemists' Guild in Ul'dah and was rehired. After working diligently and tirelessly for months, I eventually became something of a senior member. I even have an apprentice! Careful spending, saving, and calling in a few favors finally led to the accomplishment of my dream -- buying a brand new house for Alice and I. I tried my best to arrange things in a manner she would find suitable. The surprise went quite well. She cried... but they were happy tears. No one has shown her the kind of affection and appreciation I have.

 

I want to continue to do that for her for as long as we live.