Menphina's Keeper [Journal]

[Alothia]

This sun has been terribly interesting. Where do I start?

 

 

Well, for starters, I was shopping with Kaliden earlier when I ran into Claus and some other members of TALE. It was nice to meet some new faces. One of the new faces, however, was a handsome Duskwight named Uxe. (Yes, yes…I know…it appears I’m developing a type) Now, I don’t think he meant anything by it, but he told me I was beautiful. It has been a while since someone other than Oskar told me that. And it made me feel good about myself. It was just a nice reminder that I don’t need him to be happy. I do have appeal to others, and I will be fine on my own.

 

 

Later, I went upstairs from the Gold Court to think and write…and met up with Fearless while I was there. We had a nice talk about loneliness, and then he had to go home. I’m concerned about him and Lily. I hope things end up alright with them. If she doesn’t come back, I will go with him to search for her.

 

 

After Fearless left, I decided to walk to the Concern, but found it was too crowded for my tastes. On the way back, I met with Ms. Adul, and we had a fascinating conversation. I will not write the details here, for this may fall into the hands of someone it was not meant for, but needless to say, it was very interesting. I hope to hear from her again soon.

 

 

With this, I leave this entry. I feel like I’m encroaching on Navei’s quiet space. I should probably head back home. 

[Alothia]

Oh Twelve…

 

 

I can’t write how happy I am right now.

But I’m also worried. I hope this wasn’t just a rebound…

I don’t think it was. I know it wasn’t for me.

 

 

And I think we’ve been friends long enough for this to not be a rebound for him…

 

 

But what if she shows up and decides she wants him back now? Then what? Would he pick her over me?

 

 

He thinks I’m pretty…

 

 

My mind is racing. I should wait until I’m settled to write more.

 

 

Oh Twelve…Zenge… 

[Alothia]

A lot has happened in the past few suns.

 

 

Lily finally returned. I know that Fearless was overjoyed. It was nice to see him smiling again. He’s been a whole lot happier ever since. She hasn’t been around quite as often as she was before she left, but at least we know that she’s safe now. I know that’s all Fearless needed to know.

 

 

I haven’t heard from Ms. Adul. I suppose that means that her theories were unfounded. Part of me is glad of it. Another part…well, it would have been interesting if things had played out, to say the least.

 

 

A couple of suns ago I ran into Red and Ms. Quai out on the upper levels of Ul’Dah. They invited me to the MMML, and we ran around the city collecting new recruits to go drinking! It was a ton of fun. In the end, it was myself, Fear, Red and Lu, Claus, Zolku, Myllor, and another person who wasn’t a member of the MMML but whom hung out with us anyway. We went to the concern and played Never Have I Ever, which took an interesting turn when Red admitted she had slept with a Roe. I need to get that story out of her sometime. Seems like quite a tale. Had to leave before she got to telling it, though, which was a bummer. Fear was quite the gentleman and carried me back to headquarters safely. I think I overdid it on the drinking that night.

 

 

Last night was quite the same, however. But that was for good reason. Relani walked out on Zenge. Stupid woman. Did she not realize what his duties were when he was a part of the Garlean army? And can’t she see that he’s changed? It makes me so angry. Anyone who knows Zenge knows that he’s changed. He’s a wonderful friend. I hate to see what she’s done to him…the mess she’s made of him. We went out to the Concern, with the intention of letting Zenge drown his sorrows in drink…but I ended up being tipsy. Seems to be the story of my life. He ended up helping me back to HQ, and we had a nice talk. I gave him the other notebook I had lying around. I hope it helps him with this situation. I know that writing helps me some. I told him not to worry about how he writes it…just to get it down. Maybe he’ll take my advice. He seemed to appreciate the gesture at least.

 

 

I’m worried for him. I hope he makes it through this. I’m sure he will. Once women find out he’s single, I’m sure they’ll be lining up at his door. He’s always had the knack for that. 

At this she chuckles and then continues writing.

Anyway. I’ll be there to help him in any way I can. I know how hard losing someone that close to you is. Until next time. 

[Alothia]

Alright. I think I’m finally settled enough to write properly.

 

 

So…yeah…We’re together now. And it’s really nice.

I think it’s kinda funny…I didn’t really think of Zenge in that way for a long time. Maybe it was denial. Maybe I was just lying to myself. I look back over my previous entries, and I wonder at what point it happened. I think about what I did when I gave his Garlean background away like I did…and I’m ashamed. How could he think of me in this way knowing that I betrayed him once? Maybe that’s just it. I know some of his past. He knows some of mine. But we both know that we change and grow. We’re not the same people we were moons ago, or even suns ago for that matter. As long as I keep bettering myself, maybe I’ll be good enough.

 

 

We went out on a date last eve. We wandered the city hand in hand. Went shopping in the market wards. He bought me a match to the black pearl earring I wear in my ear. Now they’re a pair. “Now they won’t be alone,” he said. It made me smile.

 

 

After shopping, we went to the Mineral Concern for a drink. No, I didn’t get drunk. We just sat there and listened to the other people there, and talked a little. We spoke about Relani and Oskar, about our families and how we miss them. But I didn’t feel like I needed to speak to be comfortable. It was enough just spending time together. I’d forgotten what that was like.

 

 

Then we went back to headquarters…home. It’s nice feeling like this is my place once again. And that’s not just because of Zenge. For a while, I lost sight of what was important. I was neglecting my friends. I was neglecting my own wants and desires for myself. Now…I’m not beholden to anyone, but I want to be with them. I want to be with the company, with my friends and acquaintances. And I want to be able to choose where I am instead of feeling like I’m obligated to be somewhere. I choose to be with my company. It’s made tensions there a whole lot easier.

 

 

I’m not worried about pleasing anyone else anymore. If I can please others by pleasing myself, that’s the way to do it. Hopefully that doesn’t change. I am happiest when I can be myself. I don’t see this relationship taking any turns in the opposite direction. Finally I feel settled and happy again. 

[Alothia]

Life has been good. I haven’t had to worry about much lately, and I’ve just enjoyed spending some time with others.

 

 

But something has gotten me thinking. At Corvus Cinis, what do we do that other groups in the city don’t? What do we have to offer the people of Eorzea that is special or different. I could make us a deconstruction company, but somehow, I don’t think that that would work out well. Not a lot of need for deconstruction.

 

 

But then I thought about the latest jobs that we had been hired out to do. Finding Miyu, finding various items…we do a lot of finding. Which makes me think…maybe that’s what we do well. We are good at finding people and things. Maybe, then, we should specialize in that. Instead of willy nilly taking every job that comes to us, big or small, maybe we need to specialize in a niche market.

 

 

Corvus Cinis Agency: Finders of things, people, and specialty items.

 

 

People can come to us if they’re looking for something that is lost, or a person that they’ve lost touch with…or even something that is hard to find. It would make it easier for people to know who to hire, with all of the other groups out there. Plus, we could start training for more specific purposes.

 

 

I’ll have to run this idea by the rest of the company and see what they think. Watch out Eorzea. A new Corvus will be heading your way… 

[Alothia]

It has been many suns since I wrote last…over a moon in fact. Much has happened.

 

 

We’ve taken on many more members, and with them have come jobs. Jobs that they cannot afford to pay us to do save through working it off. This, I am fine with. Fearles…well, he has always been driven by gil. I should not be surprised.

 

 

We have taken a few trips as a company since changing our mission. The most memorable was the trip to Moraby Bay. Lenneth remembered waking there, and so we went to search for some clue as to who she might be. Nel came with us, and it was a saving grace as well, for she is skilled as scaling and was able to climb down the cliff face to retrieve a clue. Hopefully it will lead us to something that will help her.

 

 

About a fortnight ago, we were attacked at headquarters by some men who appeared to be Garlean. They were looking for Leon, although why, I cannot say. I am deeply embarrassed that I could not do more for my employees. Even though the men were outnumbered, their skills and their weapons were no match for us, scattered, scared, and surprised. I took a bullet in the shoulder, and others were injured far worse. Elriche and Eva came at Nel’s request to help…Thank the Twelve she was around. We would not have made it out of that battle with as little injuries as we did, if it were not for Elriche and Eva’s healing skills.

 

 

Since then, most of our work has ceased while everyone recovers. Nel has stopped by a few times to talk. It is nice to have someone to speak with at length. She is a good woman. I wish I could let her know how much I appreciate her friendship. Zenge was feeling guilty for a while for not being able to protect me during the attack. It is not his fault.

 

 

In other news, we have been approached by two other companies for possible jobs in the future. The Everwatch and Archavalon. I will go to their meetings and read their contracts and mull over the idea. It would be good for business, no matter how much the company will grumble at having to help him.

 

 

The question is, how much will I grumble? 

[Alothia]

Alothia smirks and jots down some words in her journal.

 

"Corvus Cinis, while young in comparison to some organizations present today, pushes itself to new heights at every turn. They make it their personal responsibility to uncover the truth on behalf of their clients. Tis truly a remarkable relationship that other companies out there may have difficulty creating with their clients. We all can stand to learn much from this new blood."

 

 

That’s what the Mavanix house thinks of us. It made me blush…

[Alothia]

There is a smattering of words and phrases hastily scrawled on this page, haphazardly.

 

 

Love…what is it?

How to convey that in a song?

Can I even think to put it into words?

heartbeats

 

 

fluttering

falling

terror

 

 

vulnerability

 

 

power?

struggle

betrayal

 

 

lust/love

feelings

 

 

validity?

changeable- definitely something to think about… 

[Alothia]

Moons pass

Suns pass

Turns pass

It all seems an endless cycle.

 

 

The loneliness, it sets in

I feel it in my bones

I look around

Searching,

Yet I find nothing.

 

 

Where did they all go?

In this season of togetherness,

It seems that I am all alone

Abandoned by the family

I had fashioned for myself.

 

 

I sit

I think

I wonder

I ponder…

 

 

Would they even notice if I was gone? 

[Alothia]

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything meaningful…

 

 

I just don’t feel myself any more. I feel as if the world is passing me by, and here I sit, looking at the flickering shadows on the wall, and I feel so alone.

 

 

When the Starlight festival happened, many of the people here left to spend time with their families. Zenge ran off on a scouting mission with others from the Adder, to gain intelligence on those damned Garleans…not many people have returned.

 

 

Kass is still here, so her and I spend time in front of the fire, reading or talking. Miyu comes around and I talk with her for a while. It seems as if she’s taken up with Raven…it’s nice to see her so happy. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen her that happy…if anyone deserves a distraction, it’s Miyu.

 

 

Trying to find a distraction myself, I finally left the building for more than a few ticks the other sun. I had seen that Mister Verence had posted a notice about the AETHER academy having an informational meeting. I figured it would be good to maybe see about taking a few classes here and there.

 

 

I have to say, however, that my mind couldn’t quite focus on the speeches being made. Instead, I was a bundle of emotions…Oskar was there. I had no idea what happened to him…but he looked horrible. As much as he has hurt me, as angry as I was at him…I could not bring myself to see him looking so frail. Oskar, that pillar of strength, has crumbled to a shadow of what he once was. He walks with a cane, his beard has grown out, and Twelve, he looks tired. He asked about Zenge and in return I inquired after Deirdre…it seemed to pain him so. I can’t stand to see him in pain like that. I worry for him.

 

 

After he left, I don’t know how I felt. I felt sad for him…pity even. Yet I know that he would shun my pity. He’s not a man to accept feelings like that. And I feel that I would insult him with those feelings. He is…was…so capable. It is difficult to look at him and not see that monster of a man that he once was. It is difficult not to think on these things…

 

 

I need to get out more. I began training the Axe with Taelia and Kass the other sun. It was nice to go out and be active again. I’ll never be as strong as others, but at least with more work, I will not embarrass myself should the time ever come that I need to take up an axe.

 

 

It feels good to get out of this room, out of this building. The sun shines still, and that is some comfort. Who knows how many more suns we have left before the sky falls on us all. 

[Alothia]

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned the letter over and over in my hands this eve. The parchment is beginning to feel worn in places. I feel…strange. So long I’ve been disconnected from the outside world, spending my suns in my room reading, or playing at cards with Kass in the common room. We seem to be the only two in this building. Why wouldn’t it be fitting then, that the one sun that I decide to step out is the one sun that we receive a visitor?

Not that I’m sad that I missed it…I’m not sure what I would have said anyway. Maybe it’s better for both of us that I had time to look over the note. Kass did not seem to know what was inside when she handed it to me. Knowing her fervor with the letter opener, I was surprised to still see it intact, in fact. The thought of her ravaging it with that shortened piece of metal makes me smile though.

I’ve discussed the proposal with her. She doesn’t seem adverse to it, which is surprising. If we accept, it’ll be interesting to hear what the others have to say about it. It would have to be temporary work, of course…for when the others return there will be much to do.

 

The writing trails off here for a time, as if the writer’s thoughts were drifting and the pen had a mind of its own.

 

When they return… 

[Alothia]

It’s been moons since I wrote last. It seems as if I bring my pen to paper only when I am not feeling myself. It is saddening to think that if someone finds this some sun, they will know me for a melodramatic, melancholy individual. Ah well.

 

 

Everyone, well mostly everyone, is back from their breaks. There is a strong absence in the headquarters with Fearless missing. I believe that he desired to stay at home with his family and tend the farm. I hope he finds happiness there. Lily is sad that he decided not to come back. I do not blame her. I do not know what I would have done had Zenge not come back…correction, I know exactly what I would have done. It is better not to speak of it.

 

 

Zenge came back a different man. He is no longer around as much, running off to fight this or that, or train, as it were. He is gaining promotions quite quickly, and therefore is often busier than I would like. I miss him. And even when we are together, his sleep is restless. He thinks I do not notice, but he gets up often and sits in the chair in the corner…thinking of I know not what. Perhaps he will tell me some sun.

 

 

Kass has a new love in her life. I am happy for her. I really am. But because of this, she is leaving the building, and this bothers me. I just wish she had told me sooner. I like Endri, but I have a hard time swallowing that this is happening so fast. Endri knows much of the world, and Kass knows so little. I hope that she guards her heart well. I’d hate to see this turn into a situation like with Kal.

 

 

Speaking of, that was an amusing incident, in retrospect. I’m afraid I made a fool of myself in front of everyone, threatening Kal like I did. But he shouldn’t have hurt her like he did…he could have at least written. I swear to the Twelve, should Endricane hurt her…

 

 

Nel and Izzy got married not too long ago. They had two ceremonies, and unfortunately, I could only make the first. They asked me to perform the ceremony…I was flattered. I hope I did their words justice. It was a beautiful event. They looked fantastic, and everyone had a great time. Nel also announced that she was pregnant. I was shocked. It was amusing to see the lalafell’s reaction to that revelation.

 

 

Ah yes, the lalafell, I don’t think I’ve written of them. Riku and Miyuki have become our little mascots in a way. They’re teenagers who have happened to find employment here at Corvus. They have won my heart, surely. They seem to be so innocent, and yet not at the same time. I wish I could go back to their age. It was a good time.

 

 

Business has been rather slow, however, so I’ve been doing some training myself. I’m out most of the sun, and tired as hell when I get back. Haven’t really had much time to myself.

 

 

I did spend some time in Gridania this sun, however. It was a beautiful day for it. Traveled around the city, buying various things from the vendors…none of it was needed, of course. There’s just something about spending your gil in the community that you grew up in that brings a little warmth to your heart. The vendors seemed to be having a hard time of it lately. I hope that what I bought could help fund their next meal at least.

 

 

Once I was finished with my shopping, I walked by the Fane, inquiring if they needed any services from me. They seemed to be at a lull as well, with all of the adventurer’s storming their doors lately. Most of what they needed was far below my skill level, anyway, so I’m happy to let the beginning conjurers learn their trade with it. The glow in the Fane was comforting, so I spent some time perusing the library there, looking over the tomes of magic they had, trying to learn what new skills I could. There didn’t seem to be much there, however, that I didn’t know already.

 

 

Afterward, I took a trip outside by the pond and sat on a rock, just thinking about things. Mainly feeling bad about the whole Kass thing. It was comforting just being near nature again. I forget how in Ul’Dah how dead everything is. No songs of the elementals in that place…it’s as if they’d forgotten all about that wasteland.

 

 

Oskar came by. It was…odd seeing him again. Odd and yet comforting. I feel as if he left awfully abruptly. I hope it wasn’t because of anything I said…it was an odd conversation though. One fraught with old emotions. I can’t help but feel them some when he is around. As I told him, it’s hard not to fall into those old routines. His eyes were sad, and I felt bad. I hope that things get better between us…I hate feeling awkward.

 

 

He mentioned something about a storytelling that is happening soon. I remember those. They were nice. Perhaps I will try to attend…I’m not sitting next to him though. 

[Alothia]

What’s it like to see the person in the mirror and realize that you have changed on the outside, but that maybe inside you are still the same person you once were?

 

 

It all came back to me last eve…

We were helping out with a training mission with the Everwatch. We were posing as a merc group, the Vultures. We had to bind and capture the Everwatch, we had to torment and humiliate and hurt them. And a part of me enjoyed it. And I am disgusted by it. It reminds me of the person I once was, many, many moons ago. I was a person who wanted power, who craved it. I hurt many people in my quest for it. And I delighted in it.

Hearing Kailee’s screams as I kicked her to the ground, seeing the fear in her eyes behind her bravado…I shudder to think of it. Once the ruse is over, I shall go to them and make amends. I’m working on a couple of spells to see if I can repair the damage that must have been longset in her knee to cause her such pain. Maybe out of this, I can atone for it.

 

 

But that’s not the whole of it. It wasn’t enough that the guilt was wracking me from it. Kass got hurt. I felt guilty for that too. And even though I healed her, even though I exacted what little revenge I could on Kailee, (Twelve knows that makes me feel guilty in and of itself), then Endri comes after me as well, making me feel a fool. It does not matter that I was going to give them my portion of the commission from the job to help with the building of their house. No, it does not matter that Kassandra is an adult and can make her own damn decisions. No, I am to blame for it all.

 

 

I suppose that is what comes of the life I lead before. I suppose that is all I deserve.

 

 

I do not deserve the people who comfort me. I do not deserve to have RIku feel angry for me. It is not his place. Endri has done nothing wrong.

 

 

It is I who have done wrong.

 

 

And my years of atonement will never be enough.

 

 

I was a fool to think that I might be happy one sun, with a love and a family.

Even Zenge is slipping slowly away, preferring to spend his nights in training than with me.

 

 

Perhaps it is futile for me to try to fit myself into this role of the kind leader. Maybe it is not the role I am cut out for at all. Maybe this whole life is just a lie that I have concocted to try to save my damned soul. Perhaps my life would be better spent back in the Twelveswood, manipulating people, using them to my ends, and glorying in what little time I have…

 

 

Twelve, maybe underneath all of this, I am really no more than a monster after all. 

[Alothia]

So…I’m attempting that meditation thing on my own out here by the Fane. It’s nice and quiet here. The fireflies buzz just off to my left, and if not for the guards, it would be a most serene moment…

 

 

I can’t help but be troubled. Yssen came by last even to let me know of their last encounter with the Demon thingy…I can’t say thtat I was pleased. Visions of me being killed, my building burned, and the people I love slaughtered? It will not do. Was it wrong to get involved in the Mavanix’s problems? Was the call of gil too much that I put myself and my people in danger?

 

 

Twelve, I hope not.

 

 

I hope that we can all work together to sort this business out. I think I need some time away…I might take a trip out to the shroud for a sun or two…just be on my own away from the city for a bit. I think that everyone can do without me for a bit.

 

 

Kass has Endri to keep her company. The lalas have each other, although I do worry about Riku. Zenge is never around anymore anyway…duty is his main interest now. Burgen seems to have found a new friend in Syd…whether he returns the affections remains to be seen. Seems like everyone is doing just fine. They probably won’t even notice that I’m gone.

 

 

When I get back, perhaps I can do something to thank them all. Just in case things don’t go as planned, and we all end up dead. We all might end up dead anyway with the way Dalamud grows closer every sun. Twelve help us all. 

[Alothia]

I came back from my trip to find that I was more alone than I ever thought. Zenge was there, spouting words that didn’t hit me until much later. He’s scared they will come for me, knowing what he is. He knows that he’s been busy and can’t be here…so he made the decision for us. Twelve knows if we’ll cross paths again. But it’s over. Over and done. And now I am truly alone.

 

 

I think that they will still come for me. Business has been slow anyway. I think I shall lock the doors and leave for a time. I’ve never been good at hiding, but maybe now is the time. I can feel it in my bones. Something horrible is coming. I will be there to battle, but for now, I will hide. I will wait. I will watch. When the time comes, I will lend what healing skills I have. But for now…

 

 

Twelve protect me. Twelve protect us. Menphina, mend my broken heart. Make me strong enough to weather this storm.

[Alothia]

((This is the break between 1.0 and 2.0))

[Alothia]

It’s odd being here. It’s odd finding a new journal, a new life, and new people all around. The people you left are not the same. People are still missing…5 years have passed in the blink of an eye, and I’m still trying to adjust to the changes that seemingly happened in an instant.

 

 

I remember being there on the field. I remember trying to heal the sick, running from tent to tent, tending the wounds I could. I remember looking for people I knew, and seeing only faces I didn’t recognize. I heard the roar of Bahamut. I saw his flames rain down on the people of Eorzea. And Twelve, I was scared.

 

 

I later heard about Louisoix and what he did. But that was much later.

 

 

It happened so suddenly, the flash of light. It made me dizzy, it made me shake. And all of a sudden, it was gone. The next few weeks were hazy. I remember stumbling around what looked to be the Twelveswood…but it was so different. I remember seeing others like me…dazed and lost. I found Endri, and together we tried to find the house he had built for him and Kass…but it was gone. Nothing but cinders. We went to find my family, the family that I left at a young age, the family I never reconciled with. They were gone as well. Nothing. I only hope that Lini escaped, somehow.

Mutual grief led to things I’m not proud of. In Endri’s arms I found comfort and solace. I hope that somehow I did the same for him. Part of our grievances were unfounded, as I now know. At least it is not uncomfortable now. He is still my friend, and what happened happened.

 

 

Following the Twelveswood, I traveled to Ul’Dah to seek word of my friends. The building we once owned had long been abandoned and bought by others. No one around could tell me the whereabouts of my belongings. I can only assume that they have been burned on the ash pile, like the homes of the people I once loved. I heard word that adventurers were gathering in Limsa, that some of the people I used to know were still there…and here is where I am now.

 

 

A city I used to loathe, now turned into the closest thing to home I have. Xenedra’s tavern, Soliloquy, still stands, and it is here that I spend most of my bells. The joys have been few and far between since our return…

It still sounds funny….return…when it doesn’t feel like I’ve been gone at all.

 

 

And yet, amongst the bittersweet reunions with my friends, there has been a sliver of light. Para…what can I say about him? He fills my thoughts. I don’t know what this will become, but it is something good, born from the ashes of the world’s demise. It’s rather poetic, don’t you think?

 

 

I suppose that is all I can say for now. Time goes on. The ticks seem like bells. The bells like suns….Soon it will be a new turn, and so on and so forth. I only hope to gather the broken shards of the family I seem to have lost, and try to rebuild what I worked so hard for. Perhaps one day it will return to the way it once was. Until then, I will savor my time, letting it pass over me like waves. The waves of the sea. The waves outside my window…

 

 

The bells toll and it is time for me to go. I will write more later.

[Alothia]

On the first date that Para and I had, if a date is what it was…maybe our second meeting, I was challenged to compose a verse about our first meeting. For some reason, my mouth spouted this out. I’m not sure how good it is…but Para seemed to enjoy it.

 

 

So sat the queen upon her throne on high

Her subjects she did survey from her perch

Across each visage there her eyes did fly

While one by one she judged them in her search.

Until one face perchance did catch her eye

A flame haired face, and beautiful to boot

"This one has won the right," her voice did cry,

"To please the queen!" and then her voice went mute.

Then up to him the queen did start to sway

Her eyes did glint with glee and mirth and fun

And in her hands his face she made to stay

While she did kiss him there, and everyone

Did watch them then; the couple’s fast embrace.

And with a grin, she led him from that place.

 

 

I thought I should preserve this poem here, since it was quite a while ago now. I’d rather not lose this little bit of mirth.

[Alothia]

I’ve forgotten how beautiful it is here…I’ve missed the shroud terribly. I’ve missed having a home and people in it. Not that this home is mine, or that the people in it are techincally mine…

 

 

I invited myself over last night. I had wanted to see his house. He offered to let me stay. Twelve, that worries me. I don’t want to move to fast. I’ve done that before, let my emotions get the better of me. Better to keep it in check, I think. But he makes it so difficult sometimes. I want to know everything about him, where he came from, what he’s been doing, why he does it, what he thinks…what he thinks of me.  It’s scary, as all relationships are. I wish they were simpler. You fall in love with being with someone, maybe you fall in love with them, and then you stop. There’s no rhyme or reason. Well, sometimes there’s a reason. People get bored. Oskar got bored. Zenge got scared. I get too comfortable. You start to wonder if it’s yourself or them…you question always…

 

 

I’m rambling again. Seems to be a habit of mine. Can’t keep my thoughts straight. Anyway. The house is lovely. Small, cozy. There’s a fireplace. And a rather large tub. Oh, to have a bubble bath again! It was fantastic. I could have soaked there for ages…but I was hungry.  He made my favorite. It was delicious. Then, there was the incident with the tuna. It makes me giggle just thinking about it. His cheeks almost matched his hair!

 

 

There was no funny business, just good talk. He has a four poster bed. It’s huge…and soft. It was easy to be there, easy to fall asleep.

 

 

Para has his demons. They plague him in his sleep…crying out to be set free, writhing in pain. It saddens me that he had to endure that. Perhaps one day we can learn why.

 

 

I suppose, though, that we all have our demons. Some you can’t see at all.

[Alothia]

It has been a couple of suns since my last entry. There has been so much going on, it’s hard to find time to write. I’m always on my guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop. They’re coming after Para. This…man…who hurt him in the past.  His name is Joshua Nightcross…I don’t know what he wants with Para, why he carved those symbols on his back, why he healed him after. Sounds like dark magics to me…magics I do not know about but have seen more often in my short existance than I’d like to admit.

 

 

We’ve spent too much time holed up in this inn room. The only time we’ve been able to sneak away is to go to Soliloquy. The first time we managed to go there, Kass was there. Para had a panic attack…practically destroyed half of the plates in her kitchen. I left her some gil…I hope she doesn’t mind too badly. We talked a lot that night…it was comforting, among all of the bad things that have been going on.

 

 

The second time I tried to sneak away for a moment. I had called some of Kass’ men to stand watch on the room. They ended up coming too. I thought I saw Burgen…I miss him so. But no, it was his brother…and so very different from the Burgen I knew. He didn’t know where Burgen was either…I hope that he is well.

 

 

The Duskwight, Uru showed up both times. He’s hiding something and I don’t know what it is. I don’t think it’s anything nefarious…but it still unsettles me.

 

 

We’ve simply been playing a waiting game. Waiting for this Joshua to strike. I hope he does sooner rather than later. Hiding out was never my strong point. I don’t like being cowed by fear. Who am I kidding, this is probably the game he enjoys the most.

[Alothia]

I’m stupid. I shouldn’t have let him go home alone. I should have been here! I could have protected him! Could have kept him safe!

 

 

But no.

 

 

I let him go home alone. Stupidly assumed that things would be alright. And now he’s gone…

 

 

[tear stains dot the page here, and the next few lines are smeared and runny because of them.]

 

 

He’s gone. The pendant I got him is on the floor, the pearl that kept us connected, shattered.

 

 

The door was caved in, splinters hanging from the frame. My heart picked up and I knew it was bad. I walked in, glass shards crunching under my boots. The windows had been knocked in, and the house was in shambles. The coffee table was broken, the vase with the flowers on the mantle had been smashed upon the floor…stools were overturned and shattered. I could tell he fought back, as the telltale burns of his lightning marked the walls in blackened trails.

 

 

Then there was the note. I saw it and knew what it was immediately. A warning. A message. A taunt. A challenge.

 

 

I cannot act right now, even though my gut is in knots and my heart is like to burst from my chest. I cannot go in alone, regardless of what Joshua may want. I need to plan. I need to be smart about this.

 

 

But I’m torn. What of Para in the meantime? Must he endure more of the same? He’s half broken already by this man. I do not want him broken further…

 

 

If I hadn’t had stopped to get dye. If I hadn’t had decided I needed the gil…

 

 

He will die. He will suffer. That I promise. If I die in the process, it was worth it. No life is better than a life spent like this, cowering and hiding. Para will be safe. Joshua will atone.

 

 

I must gather my thoughts. And my forces. We will march soon. There will be a reckoning.

 

 

If I don’t make it back…If anyone finds this…Know that I have gone

 

[the text ends abruptly]

[Alothia]

In my head, I hear him scream as my boot comes down onto his kneecaps. I revel in the sound of the crushing of bone. I grin as I see pain contort his face.

 

 

In my head, I take the knife and scour lines along his flesh. Lines to match the scarring on Para’s back. Two for every mark. Three. The blood runs in rivulets, and I smile.

 

 

In my head, I use these lines as a guide, a blueprint for my machinations, and I peel back the flesh bit by bit, letting it litter the floor in a bloody array of confetti.

 

 

My heart wants these things. My brain tells me I cannot. So I don’t. I stop. And I give him a swift death, one swifter than he deserves.

 

 

This doesn’t matter, of course. The thoughts are still there when I close my eyes. I still see these things. He knows I see these things. And he does not speak to me at all.

 

 

He said he knew. Said it didn’t matter…apparently it does. All is for naught. My heart…

 

[the ink smears at the end, as if the hand holding the quill simply let it fall from their fingers]

[Alothia]

[The writing here is much more flowy than last time, the script curling more than before]

 

Twelve, I don’t know what I would have done had he died. And then if he hadn’t spoken to me anymore. I would have been so lost, so crushed.

 

 

I still don’t feel at ease. Lainse was injured because of me. Leanna was furious I could tell…

 

 

Let me start from the beginning.

 

 

I discovered where Joshua was keeping Para. The ones who took him were eager to tell. All it took was a flash of gil and the promise of ale, and they spoke. They won’t speak again. I took care of that. Lainse looked at me as if I were a monster…as if he could see the monster inside of me. But it needed to be done. If they waggled their tongues for me, who’s to say they wouldn’t go back and do more.

 

 

Lainse went on ahead with the information to scout. I shouldn’t have sent him…

 

 

I gathered what I would need from the adventurer’s guild. Ran into the Miqo’te from the other night…Vash. He seemed eager to do something to help. So he came along. He brought another with him…I’m afraid I did not catch her name. If I see her again, I will need to thank her. Without her, all would have been lost.

 

 

We got to the site and Lainse was working on releasing Para…but then Joshua saw. I tried to surprise him and take him there and then, but he got to Lainse…Twelve, Lainse. I thought he was going to die. The woman was able to save him….something I couldn’t do because I was busy with him.

 

 

We threw all we could at him. It wasn’t until he started talking that I was even able to come close. I learned…much…

 

 

In the end, I killed him. There is more blood on my hands. But this I do not regret. I wanted to make him suffer, make him hurt like he hurt Para.

 

 

But I couldn’t. It was a swift death. And Para watched.

 

 

We didn’t talk at first…still haven’t really talked about it since. I’m worried that this will cause problems later, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

 

Lainse and Leanna…were upset. I blame myself for their hurt. I hope that they understand. I hope that they can forgive.

 

 

I need to think about my feelings. My desires. My wants. My needs. My priorities.

 

 

I need to make sure that I do not become what I once was…it is a fine line I walk, and the precipice stares at me with golden eyes. I hope that I do not fall.

[Alothia]

I don’t even…

 

 

Where do I start?

 

 

Mrs. Capellago. It has a nice ring to it.

 

 

Ring.

 

 

Did he really ask me? Truly? And did I really say yes?

 

 

Abai knew right away. Kass jumped on the opportunity to help me plan. Gwenny will be flower girl. Fearless said he’d give me away.

 

 

Twelve, what am I doing?

 

 

I don’t know. But it feels…right.

[Alothia]

We went to Soliloquy last night. Para…cut his hair. And dyed it back to it’s natural blonde. It’s…different. He’s still Para though.

 

 

Yes…still Para. Still can’t hold his liquor. Not that I mind. I think it’s kinda…cute, actually.

 

 

We played “never have I ever” at the bar. Abai got sloshed and took her clothes off in front of everyone. It was my goal to get Para drunk. And his to get me the same. I think we both succeeded in that point. My head is still reeling.

 

 

Although, if it’s from that or the alley…well, who can say. There’s just one more thing we’ll both have to drink to the next time we play.