Menphina's Keeper [Journal]

[Alothia]

The script here is written in a more masculine hand, slanted and angular. It was obviously not written by the notebook’s owner.

 

O’ Dearest Ye’ Amethyst

Weep not for Thy Fate.

For in the graces of Althyk

Thy pain will Abate.

 

 

O’ Dearest Ye’ Amethyst

Let loose broken parts.

For in friendship tis starlight

to shine deep in our hearts.

 

 

O Dearest Ye’ Amethyst

In thy heart thy must bleed.

To see clearly the goodness

Of those who answer thy need.

 

 

O’ Dearest Ye’ Amethyst

of whose woes we speak of

In Perfection we are but envied

 

 

Yet in breaking, we are loved.

 

 

A hastily scrawled post script was written at the bottom, this time by the owner’s hand:

 

 

A poem, by Eric

 

 

((This poem was not written by me, it was written by a friend in Alothia’s journal))

[Alothia]

Twelve…what am I doing…

 

 

I’ve never been one to casually date. Normally, I run from one relationship to the next. But ever since what happened with Para happened…

 

 

Let me go back. Para and I are no more. We broke off the engagement, and that same night, he was in bed with another woman. I am…was…am…upset. For 3 moons he was the center of my world, and so quickly, it was all thrown away. He regrets what happened. But I have learned that we cannot take those things back. They happen for a reason. Perhaps I will give us another shot, but I cannot give him my heart again, not like before.

 

 

Which brings me to the immediate problem. I feel like I am drowning. At first, it was Eric. Then K’anko. Now Mikael. And they all call to me differently.

 

 

Eric…He is the one who wrote me the poem. He’s the mage who ran into Lini. He is…so different from any man I’ve ever met. He thinks that he is weak because of his curse…but he is not. Every time I look into his eyes, I see who he is. He is so much more than that which has plagued him for all of his life. With him, I feel like I could forget what I’ve done. He is sweet…and tender…and a damn fine kisser. It is so easy to lose myself with him, talking about life and my worries, my fears and my desires. He does not clamor for my affections, and his silent confidence is a draw. He doesn’t feel the need to posture or fight. He is ever Eric…

 

 

K’anko…is the opposite…and yet not. I met him in Soliloquy, and he challenged me to a fight then and there. When I happened upon him at the docks a few suns later…things changed. K’anko is a man of depth, of honor, although he does not see that in himself. I understand his need for release, for the physical manifestation of his frustrations. Where Para ran, K’anko stands and fights. He is honest, and expects that honesty in return. With him, I want to be…free. He helps me to see that there is more to life than this role that I have chosen, that I can be more than what my past has taught me to be.

 

 

And Mikael…that was…sudden. And a pleasant surprise. First, he attacked me outside of Fallgourd Float…to test my mettle and see who “I” am. Then, a few suns later, he offered to watch me train. It was all fine until after my bath…then we spoke of our pasts. Twelve, he is like me, driven by a desire to make up for the mistakes of the past. No one has ever understood in that way. Not a soul.

 

 

And I am so confused.

 

 

Menphina, I beseech you…help to show me the way…before I hurt them, and myself in my indecision.

[Alothia]

The choice was made.

 

 

Was it made long ago? Was I just delaying things to save people pain? And did I cause more in the process?

 

 

Part of me feels…horrible. The rest, feels free.

 

 

Who knows what may come of this. This time, I am not going to drive myself crazy wondering about the what-ifs.

 

 

Instead, I will take this one day at a time. He is mine. I am his. For now, that is all that matters.

 

 

We will return home soon. The Gala awaits. I must tell Eric.  I needs must reply to Mik’s letter…

 

 

There is much to be done.

[Alothia]

It has been a few suns and there is much to write about.

 

 

I will start in Coerthas, as that is where things begin.

 

 

In my previous entry I noted that i had made my decision. And I have. K’anko and I are a couple now, and there hasn’t been a sun that has gone by that I don’t thank the Twelve that he is with me. It is very different from how it was with Para. While K’anko and I choose to walk this path together, I do not feel as if I would be lost without him. Instead, I feel that I am lucky to have him around. It is a nice feeling.

 

 

We stayed in Coerthas for a couple of suns, returning to the Shroud in time for the Full Cold Moon Gala. There were more people there than I ever remember being. I’m sure a lovely time was had by all, but I got irritable with the amount of people present. Which is odd for me, as I usually don’t mind. I decided to inform those in Corvus that I was leaving, and invite them all to the hot springs at Camp Bronze Lake. It was quite a lovely start to the gathering. Eric showed up, and Vash. Daemon made an appearance after all of that time…and Rio! Can you believe it? I certainly thought that she was dead. It was nice to see her again. Para also came. As awkward as it might have been, I know that he is still a friend and a member of the company. He has a place there the same as anyone else.

 

 

All of that was fine until Deirdre showed up. As the suns pass, the more it seems like a blur. She wanted to attack Para, so K’anko and I got in between them. In the end, K’anko ended up with a new scar, Para was scared almost to death, and Eric had channeled enough aether into K’anko to cook his insides…thankfully Deir helped to cool him, and I took care of most of the internal damage.

 

 

I took him back to the cabin to tend to him. I still feel guilty about doing nothing, regardless of what he tells me to the contrary. I am also worried about Deirdre. She wants K’anko, this I know…and I don’t want to cause more strife between us. The animosity we had over Oskar was more than enough for my lifetime…

 

 

Eric’s condition is becoming worse. We had an expedition to the Deepcroft, and if we weren’t certain before, we’re almost certain now that this thing inside of him is voidsent. We will have to remove his stomach completely to save him. I met with his brother and learned of some things…I promised Hyrist that I would kill Eric before I let him become voidsent. Let’s hope it does not come to that.

 

 

I contacted Mikael last eve. It was…an interesting conversation. Almost as tension filled as the one that K’anko and I shared with Deirdre. The course of the heart never did run smooth…

 

 

I have many prospective employees to meet with still. I hope that I can find the time in which to do it. A vacation for the company is also on the horizon. My thoughts had originally been to have us all head back to Bronze Lake, but K’anko has told me of his plans for that trip…and while I would enjoy it, I doubt the others in Corvus would.

 

 

I suppose that is enough for now. If people were to find and read this, what would they think of me? More importantly, what do I think of myself? Twelve protect me…

[Alothia]

In darkest hours

Silvery trails of the moon

Reflections in water

Light filters through

Glowing, Golden

Depths of which

The Twelve only knows.

 

 

Tell me your secrets

Dark desires

Pain and laughter

Push and Pull me

Stretch me

Paper thin

Twelve only knows.

 

 

Words ring in my ears

Trail up my spine

Settle in my heart

Unexpected twists

Unexpected thoughts

Unexpected feelings

…Twelve only knows. 

[Alothia]

I haven’t had much time to write at length about the events that have transpired recently.

 

 

The last time I wrote was just long enough for me to compose that poem…not that it was any good. My strengths in writing lie elsewhere I suppose. That doesn’t stop me from trying, however. And the occasion called for it, I think. Twelve, if anyone were to read that, I wonder what they would think. Probably something not so flattering.

 

 

Anyroad, a couple of suns after that, Kanko, Lily, and I removed the voidsent from Eric. It was a trying experience to say the least.

 

 

The damage done to his stomach was worse than I feared. How the man will operate without one at all will be something interesting to see. 

Lily stood guard while K’anko and I worked. K’anko did most of the work, cutting Eric open and removing the stomach. It was my job to heal. Twelve, but it took almost everything I had to heal him. I did not think it would be so taxing. I almost passed out when it was all said and done. But I had focused some of my energies on keeping Eric in place…and then at the Voidsent…

 

 

That is another thing that troubles me. The presences in the room when we were there. There was not just the Soulcounter….but a woman. She looked like what his Lycelle might have looked like…Knowing what I know about what Hyrist told me, I am not so sure it wasn’t her to begin with.

 

 

Eric seems to be on the road to recovery. I went and visited him the other sun and we talked of things that should have been addressed earlier. I am glad to know that there are no hard feelings between us. It helps to put my soul at rest.

 

 

There were also other suns to speak of. I got to sit back down and talk with Souyo…he has returned although much changed. Almost got himself killed soon after as well…framed for poisoning. Anyone who knows Souyo would know that he would never do such a thing.

 

 

We had a small company meeting in which I met the new member, Starwind. I am not sure what to make of him. He has spirit, I’ll give him that much. But I did not appreciate his insinuating that I am not good at my job. I do what I can.

 

 

At the meeting, Para had a walking nightmare. Almost brought down Fallgourd Float. Scared me to bits. I may not love him anymore, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am concerned over his well being. I am hoping to regulate him to secretary of Corvus. Perhaps a desk job will help to tame him.

 

 

Lainseworth has somehow found his voice again. I’m afraid that our schedules haven’t been aligned, and so I have yet to ear the story of how this was accomplished. I’m sure it is quite the tale. It will be nice to hear it from his own voice.

 

 

Things with K’anko have been…more than good. We talk about most everything…and he puts me at ease. Well, most of the time at least. There are times when he intentionally pulls me outside of my comfort zone. I think he enjoys that far too much, if you ask me. Still, it makes me smile. When we’re not speaking, we are out doing odd jobs. And trying to be tame. Trying being the operative word there.

 

 

I have promised him that I will try to lead my life for myself first and foremost. I cannot be bogged down with worries all of the time. The thought of it scares me, fills me with a sense of dread…that I might become what I once was. But…he makes sense. I cannot live in the shadow of my past, and instead I must move forward. I will not be that person again, not if I can stand it. Instead, I will remember that I can take time for myself, and put myself first. There is nothing wrong with that…is there?

 

 

Ah, he calls. I suppose I should wrap this up for now. Here’s to brighter suns.

[Alothia]

I don’t understand why my being a good person makes me feel like such a failure.

How coming to people in times of need makes me someone who doesn’t consider herself. I don’t feel like I have to do these things for others. I want to do these things for others.

 

 

We had an argument today. He doesn’t understand that if this were the me before, I wouldn’t have said anything back. I would have rolled over, said, “You’re right.” Tried to change myself then and there.

 

 

But that is not me anymore. I refuse to be that person. Especially not with him. He asked me a question. What would I do if he spoke to me like the others do. I do not know the answer. Honestly, I believe I would stand up to him more. I love him. I know this. And so it is easier for me to tell him how I feel than the people who work for me. There isn’t as much risk involved in that. And maybe that is one of my problems as well.

 

 

Where do I go from here? That is the question. How do I start standing up and taking my life back? How do I prioritize.

 

 

I want to live for me. Want to be who I am, buried underneath these layers of shit. The layers of masks and hiding that I have done over the years.

 

 

But I am worried. What if that person isn’t someone that people agree with. What if in trying to live for myself, I live only for myself.

 

 

It is hard to bend if you see the cracks forming in your surface, threatening to break you.

 

 

But if you don’t bend, the winds will snap you in two.

 

 

Do you take the risk, or wait for the inevitable?

[Alothia]

Our time alone was ephemeral, like the wind that blows, or the miasma that filters through Mor Dhona. But the time came and then went, and now I have returned home, only to end up mired in the storms that surround those I know.

 

 

Lily and Tayn’s company, while quite and small, is home. We have a house, and I have my own room that Kanko and I share. No one bothers us or complains when we come and go. It is pleasant indeed.

 

 

I have acquired a new Chocobo. I have named her Aldieb, and she is a beautiful purple. Her temperament is quite docile, but when it comes to fighting, she is anything but. I keep her stabled often with the rest of the chocobos that company members have. Tending to the stable is something I enjoy quite a bit. It is interesting how the personalities of each are different, and how you learn them the more time you spend with them.

 

 

I suppose it is much like people, though. You never really know someone until you’ve spent time tlakling to them. I think many people look at Kanko and I and see us as contrasts and wonder what it is that we see in each other. What they fail to realize is that while we are contrasts, we are also compliments. I help to keep him grounded, and he pushes me to be more than I ever thought I could be.

 

 

Speaking of, we spent some time the other sun with the people of Dark-Embers. It is the company that Eric and Hyrist now belong to, and it is run by Claire and Lin, both of which are interesting women. We shall be helping them defeat the primal Leviathan, who seems to be stirring up more trouble as of late. Zanin, I forgot to mention that he works for them as well, is developing a potion that would enable one to swim and breathe underwater. Apparently one of the side effects is a change of color…and the ensuing conversation convinced both Kanko and I to try something new.

 

 

Blonde…is an interesting color. I can see Kanko chafing at the color already, not enjoying the lighter hue. However, he cannot resist telling me exactly how much he likes the color on me. It has inspired me to be a bit more…adventurous, I suppose. I shall leave it for a while and see how I like it. No one else has really seen it, however, and I am interested in seeing what the reactions are. The pink had become such an integral part of my being…

 

 

Ah well, the bell tolls late, and there are things to do. Until later.

[Alothia]

I’ve started this entry three separate times now, and still cannot figure out what exactly it is I want to write.

 

 

The words sit there under the surface, waiting to be spoken or written…and yet I cannot seem to form these on the paper or with my mouth, lending them purchase and passage.

 

 

Twelve…I sound so fake sometimes when I read these, as if I actively try to come off as deeper than I actually am. I don’t know what it is that I’m trying to say. And yet I continue this exercise in writing. Perhaps someone someday will find these chronicles and wonder what type of a person I am…was. And perhaps not. I doubt that I shall leave such an impression on the world that people would choose to read the ramblings of a woman such as I. Half of these entries are me crying over this man or that, the few, failed relationships I’ve had frozen forever on these pages.

 

 

The rest is me musing about what I did do or could have done but didn’t. Lately I feel as if I should have more to write about, but I don’t.

 

 

I’ve spoken to Lily and Tayn and have decided to take over the daytime operations of Jutat. It will be much like Corvus was…although I don’t know that I’m going to get any bites on jobs. I made up a small advertisement to post around the city states. I am simply waiting for something to come through and tell me that there’s a job to do. We shall see.

 

 

Kanko was so underwhelmed by what we were doing that he went ahead and signed up to work with Claire and Lin. I can’t say that I blame him per se. It is a good place for him. I like them all very much, and they have been nothing but welcoming to me. I wonder how much of that is because I was close with Eric once upon a time.

 

 

Speaking of him, he has asked that I work together with Zanin to study the shards that they have collected. Why the Ascian woman is still after Eric, I will never know. That is a mystery that is greater to me than the origin and meaning of these shards. Yet as the one person who was close enough to feel the taint of the shards so long ago, the task falls to me to help decipher their message. I hope I am not promising to be able to do something I can’t.

 

 

Sometime this week I need to meet up with miss Lin. We’re supposed to go to the Sylph encampment to deal with their people and ask for any sort of advice they might give concerning the primals. Of all the beast tribes, I have to say that I enjoy their presence most, however their speech patterns give me quite the headache.

 

 

I suppose that is enough for now. Twelve watch over all of us in the coming moons. We will need it.

[Alothia]

The nightmares came and came again.

 

 

First it was blackness. Nothingness. I was alone in it…cold and huddled.I could hear them again, the cacophony of voices. The words I couldn’t make out, but their meaning was all too clear.  They would take everything away from me. Everything I ever loved. Everything I do love.  Take it and squash it underfoot like a grape in a vineyard. And I would be left alone, in the darkness, with nothing but silence and my own thoughts to haunt me.

 

 

This feeling has been plaguing me ever since. I woke up covered in sweat from that dream, and I tried not to wake Kanko. I curled up against him and fell back asleep, but the nightmares didn’t stop.

 

 

I can’t tell you the specifics of them. There were many…all I remember was a sense of dread, a sense of horror. One after the other, those I cared for ripped away from me.

 

 

I’m sure that’s why I was so on edge last sun. It’s as if the knowledge that this will come to pass haunts me. I’m being whispered to, told that I am useless, a waste, that of course everyone will leave me. Why would they stay?

 

 

Fallgourd was the only place tonight that helped me remember. Seeing the room…brought all of that back. Fighting to keep Eric alive. Struggling to keep my wits about me as people tried to take what was mine…is mine still. I cannot say that I will be as I was before…I don’t know that I can be. I will try to keep the monsters at bay. I will try to keep the darkness from consuming what light I have left. Twelve knows that in the past year, much has happened….

 

 

I need to sit down and talk with someone about it. Kanko or Eric or Claire…I do not know if I can handle this on my own. Gods, how did Eric last so long?

[Alothia]

The scales have tipped, and it is not just my life that hangs in the balance, but those that I love as well. I need to find my center, need to tune out the voices, quiet the storm….and in order to do that, I must be alone.

 

 

It is my second sun at the Fane, struggling to find the quiet that they speak of. Since before, the elementals have forsaken my need to heal, so I cannot call upon them to heal my spirit. I do not have that power, nor do they have the power to heal what it is that is wrong with my spirit.

 

 

I remember trying to meditate when I was with Oskar, but found myself running away from my own thoughts and feelings. Now, forced to be with them for an extended period of time, forced to deal with thoughts and feelings I’d been having and putting them down…it is quite the experience.

 

 

Here is what I do know. I am better off on my own, as much as I need people. As much as I want to be with people. The voices don’t make exceptions for lovers or friends. They don’t make exceptions for me. The Twelve only knows what I will need to do to make them stop in the end. But only by finding my center can I quiet them. And that I must do alone.

 

 

I know that I will not be alone forever. Perhaps someday, I will come back to the place I was before. Return to that person, those people, that house, that life. I know that sooner rather than later, I will need the help of the people with whom I got placed in this situation. Eric will have to guide me on this path, when the time comes. Hopefully he will be willing to help.

 

 

Until then, I will bide my time, learning and resting. The trees have always been my solace. My heart feels more at ease here in the Twelveswood. It is good to be where I started. Perhaps this will finally be the time and the place for my starting over.

[Alothia]

Today was fairly uneventful. Spent some time in the Quicksand observing and writing in my book. A nice Lala Fellow by the name of Rev stopped by, and we had a lovely chat. After that, I was called away to the Company House, needing to do some small work.

 

 

When I finally checked the mail, however, I was…surprised.

 

 

The night before, when I was spending time in the Quicksand, I met a lovely gentleman by the name of Khale. Twelve, we spent a good few bells talking about everything and nothing. Lily came by and joined us, and I even ran into Lavena, whom I haven’t seen since she was a fledgling gladiator.

 

 

Anyroad, when I opened the mailbox, there was a letter wishing me a Happy Valentione’s. And a rose. I had forgotten all about Valentione’s…

 

 

I have to admit, I blushed. It has been such a long time since such a small gesture made me do that. Khale is a nice man indeed. Perhaps I should give him a call on that linkpearl soon.

[Alothia]

In memories she lies

Her pristine beauty

Unmarred by time

Or rot

Or Death.

 

 

His fingers have not touched her

She still laughs

Her voice still rings

And sings

And loves.

 

 

I’ve tried to meet her

On many a road.

My time has not come

 

 

And still I see her

When I sleep

Hear her

In hushed whispers

Smell her scent

On the desert breeze.

 

 

She still lives on.

Still resides here in my heart.

I will carry her with me.

Until the day I die.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-In memory of Ady. I know not what you feel…but…I imagine it is something like this.  I am sorry, Khale. I did not know.

[Alothia]

Breathe. Slow it down. Don’t rush things. Don’t ruin them. It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment, swept away on the tide of emotion. It’s so good to feel again.

But I wasn’t looking this time. It wasn’t a thought I had or anything. It was idle conversation. That spark of curiosity that runs through my veins. The need to talk and learn about other people.

It’s not my fault it was interesting conversation. Easy. I didn’t have to struggle to find things to say. There was always something new to prod at. To poke at. To tease. It flowed like water upon the rocks, sometimes a gradual tide, and other times forceful like a wave.

The past few days have been like that. Still easy. And yet filled with a tentative excitement just beyond the edge of reason. That spark. A flash of promise.

Twelve, if I get caught up, remind me to breathe.

This is why Lily wants to chaperone all the time. Sometimes I don’t blame her.

[Alothia]

Twelve, I was worried yesterday. I was having a lovely cup of tea with Khale, and we were teasing each other, as was our wont. I decided to be sneaky and attempted to tickle him with a brush of cold air. Nothing too much, just a tickle.

I suppose I set him off, reminding him of what happened with Ady. The look on his face was enough to tell me that I had gone too far….and he walked off.

I’m glad I managed to get him to come back and talk to me. Although I suppose we didn’t do too much talking. It was fine just touching him enough to show that I understood, I suppose. Sometimes actions speak so much louder than words.

 

 

He does not expect me to know it all. My initial reaction was to curl in on myself, say I’m sorry a million ways in hopes of patching the damage wrought. I’m so used to the fault being mine, that I almost didn’t stop to think for once it might have been okay.

He, however, apologized to me. It honestly caught me off guard. I can’t remember the last time that I had someone apologize to me like that and mean it. 

 

 

It was okay, however. We worked through it. It will not be the last time something like this will happen. I will not dwell on the inevitability of things such as this, but I will write this to serve as a reminder that when it does happen, that things will be okay. It is something we can work on together.

 

 

Twelve, am I fond of him.

[Alothia]

What am I doing?

Perhaps it was talking about why I left in the first place. Not because I saw it as a bad relationship, but because I didn’t want to saddle anyone with the voices, the dreams, my instability. That was my real reason…so why do I feel like I should have this? What makes this any different?

I’m being selfish, thinking that this relationship will last. It is wrong of me to wish to have someone like him…knowing that my hold on the voices could slip any moment…knowing that I’m a target for the Ascians now that they can sense me.

The dreams haven’t stopped. It’s how I know it’s not over. But when I’m with him for a little while, I forget…

Perhaps it is the same as what he went through. Perhaps there were nights he woke up dreaming about the pale touch of death on his skin, lives flashing before his eyes in a desperate attempt to claw at the surface of light.

I was not wrong when I told him that I wasn’t the light. I am the waves, clutching the shore, searching for purchase. And the rock, though it may enjoy the feel of the water, is ever worn down by the kiss of the ocean. Through salt, through endless embrace. The rock cannot stand in a sea.

Twelve, but I want to envelop him whole, let the waters surge up. But that would be a death sentence. And though he wanted that once, it is not for me to give him. I would not have him drown because of me.

Menphina, guide my steps. Tell me what I should do. Am I being stupid? Is it me talking, or the voices once more? 

Twelve…help me.

[Alothia]

It parts the waters

Sending her waves crashing down

The tempest swarm

Quelled easily

Simple supplication

Singing songs to the Sirens.

Her mercy lies in

Carrying you away

The swiftest deaths

Are often ones most pleasant.

La petit mort.

The beautiful death.

Waves upon waves

The shoreline meets the sea.

His hardened presence

Seeking to calm her fury.

And so we crash.

And so I drown.

And so we go.

You are my tidal lord.

And I the nymph.

Before long

We will have lost control.

So let the waves rise up.

Let the tsunami fall.

In the wonderful

The water

The blue of your

Cerulean oceans.

[Alothia]

[The writing on the next few pages is scattered, seemingly written over a couple of suns. Handwriting has changed. Inks have changed, and there’s no real cohesive through to all of them.They seem to be just notes for Alothia]

 

Remember to get the list of herbs from Khale. Don’t forget to visit Nako’li on Friday. Bar night.

 

 

Try out that thing you overheard those girls in the mineral concern talking about. Might make things interesting?

 

 

Check up on Lyse. Make sure things are okay.

 

 

Try to get Lily to open up some. She’s a good friend. Let her know that.

 

 

Don’t let K’ajia kick Khale in the balls anymore. If she does, kiss them and make them better.

 

 

U’anzu is a nice gentleman. Remember to say hello next time you see him.

 

 

Makyn needs to lean to read. Try to get a hold of Kailee or someone at the Viylbrand Academy.

 

 

Apparently having dresses is a money making thing? Some woman at the date auction was talking about her wardrobe as a selling point.

[Alothia]

I swear to the Twelve, if I see Seth Sethan again, his balls are mine.

 

 

I’ll attempt to recap what has happened, because I think it needs to be written down.

 

 

I returned home from running some errands, and I happened to go into my room. I heard voices, so I searched the house…no one was anywhere. I went back into my room.

 

 

Apparently, that was where the voices were coming from.

 

 

And there, in the nude, was Seth Sethan, the fucking magician, and some fucking cunt of a woman. In. My. Tub.

 

 

You don’t fuck with my tub.

 

 

I don’t think he was scared at all. And she definitely wasn’t. She had the GALL to use my towel in front of me. In. Front. Of. Me.

 

 

I don’t know if this writing can contain all of the rage that I currently feel. I’ve alerted the Flames. I will be alerting the Braves and the Sultansworn and anyone else who is listening. But in the end, if it comes down to it, justice will be served from my own hand.

 

 

He’d better watch his back, is all I have to say. And watch it well.

 

 

Although I wouldn’t want Khale to be angry. Twelve. I just feel…violated. Sleep has been difficult as it is. Now, knowing that someone managed to get into my personal space…it’s even worse. I am glad to have Khale near me. At least that is some comfort.

[Alothia]

Journal, am I allowed to gush here a little bit?

 

 

Not that you can tell me otherwise, but I think I’m going to.

 

 

The past two weeks have been some of the happiest in my entire life. Things have been peaceful, aside from Seth in my bathtub. I’ve spent some time with Lily and K’ajia and Tayn and Lyse. I managed to meet some interesting people in the Quicksand. I went to bar night at the YTC. I found an unexpected love.

 

 

It makes me wonder what it is that Nymeia has in store for me. Which way shall her web weave? Will she keep me under Menphina’s favor, allowing me to keep my guard down and my heart on my sleeve? Or will fortune turn for the worse, like it always does? I do not want to think on it.

 

 

Instead, I’d like to languish in Khale’s arms. I’d like to tease Lily and make her give me The Look. I’d like to rile up K’ajia, although I’d also like to keep her from kicking anyone in the nuts. I want to continue to play the “every third word is balls” game with Tayn on the linkpearl.

 

 

For once, things are relatively simple.

 

 

Twelve, hear my prayers. Let me enjoy it just a little while longer. 

[Alothia]

In my dreams he stands there, looking at me with pity in his eyes.

 

 

"How could you have been so stupid," he says, his hand lifting to cup my chin. "No one could ever love you." His lip curls in a sneer, and the blue of his eyes turn stormy, a dark I’d never seen there before hovering just below the surface. Eyes I once wanted to drown in now causing me to falter, gasping for air.

"You have pretty words, Alothia, but they do not conceal this." His finger drives into my chest, poking right above my heart. "It is black, black as pitch. Black as the void. You really are stupid." Instead of his finger, now, it is his whole hand, plunged into the depth of my chest, wrenching out my heart with a grin.

I stand and watch, horrified, and as I slump to the ground, the only thing I see is his back as he walks away, tossing the blackened organ on the ground.

 

 

I sputter awake, staring into the darkness. I lie still so as not to wake him, ruminating on the haunting vision. I know he sleeps lightly. I know he does not know. How can I tell him?

 

 

And what is this? Portents of things to come? Or is it simply the Voices once more?

 

 

Death. The Hanged Man Reversed. The Heirophant. Perhaps they do not signal what happened before. Perhaps they shadow what will happen. If it is so…I don’t know what I’d do. Menphina…protect me.

[Alothia]

You never really know what full acceptance feels like until you get it. I think that I had never been more surprised than that moment…when his love hit me like a runaway chocobo. I almost lost it right there at the little restaurant, in front of everyone…assuming that there were other people there. I don’t even know if I noticed anyone else. In that moment, it was just the two of us.

 

 

Let me backtrack a bit. Khale invited me out to meet him in the shop of a merchant on Sapphire Avenue. He was investigating the avis poisoning, and he went there looking for answers. When I walked in, there were a feww Brass Blades littering the floor, and Khale held the man in the air by his throat. Without thinking, I threw the man against the wall and bound him there with Air while we discussed what to do.

 

 

The rest of what happened is between he and I. Needless to say, we got the information out of the man. And I ensured he wouldn’t go telling anyone else about what happened there.

 

 

In the moment, I didn’t think anything of it, but when we left the shop and I thought about the things that I had been through with other people. I remember when I killed Joshua, and the look that Para gave me afterward, like I was going to turn and kill him next. I suppose that always stuck with me.

 

 

But Khale didn’t harden his gaze or look at me as if I were going to hurt him. Instead, he accepted that part of me. The part that is cold and distant from the task at hand. I am what I am when the world causes me to be that. And while I have acceptance from people like Lily, it has been so long since someone has loved me in the face of that. In spite of, or maybe because of the fact that that is who I am.

 

 

I am who I am, nothing more and nothing less. Thank you for loving me.

[Alothia]

Tomorrow, the 13th, I will have known Khale for one moon.

 

 

I have plans for a small gift for him…I don’t know whether or not he will like it, yet I have put thought into it.  I was thinking I might write him a poem.

 

 

Twelve, it always comes easier when I’m not thinking about it.

[Alothia]

Dear Khale,

Putting my thoughts down on paper seem a lot more difficult when you’re not right in front of me. When it’s just the two of us, I suppose that it’s very easy for me to say all of the things that I’m feeling. Either way, I will try my best.

For the past moon, you have been the center of my world. When I wake in the morning, I think of you. When I go to sleep, you are with me. I don’t know when it became my normal to have you by my side. It happened slowly and then all at once. One sun we were simply talking in the Quicksand. The next, I couldn’t shake the feeling of your fingers through my hair or your scent. Then, you became a permanent fixture in my life. Even if you’re not physically with me, I carry you in my heart wherever I go. I don’t fear our absences, wondering where you are or whom you’re with. It is an easy absence, for I know that I will see you soon.

I don’t think I told you how much that evening in Limsa meant to me. When you looked at me, I felt exposed. At that point, you knew more about me than most people do in a turn. And yet you didn’t turn away. For someone who often feels uneasy as much as I do, it struck me. It was more intimate than any physical touch we shared. Okay, maybe not, but still…

 It’s funny, every significant moment has happened around and because of water. We met because I brought you a glass. When you told me you loved me, it was after the water glass incident, and in the city of water. Even Nymeia, who spun our lives together, encompasses the water. And Menphina, the Lover, binds the water together into solid ice. Maybe I’m just searching, but it cannot be coincidence.

I love you, Khale. Let these gifts remind you of that. Let my presence remind you of that. 

Thank you for a wonderful moon, my heart. I look forward to the path we walk together.

~Alothia

[Alothia]

I don’t know what to think right now. I’m sitting here out on the hill in Thanalan, overlooking Fesca’s Wash. I’m lost in the sounds of steel against steel, remembering the past few trips here. The first one, we were over by the tree, just the two of us. I never would have saw it coming. I still think about it and don’t think I saw it coming until it happened.

The last time I was here, there was that woman, claiming that I was a whore. I wanted to burn her up where she stood, but more than that, I was worried that you would hear her and think her words true. That was scarier to me than most other things.

And now I’m here, and you’re out saving people, and I’m here killing time. Writing the first few words on the pages that you gave me. I should throw the book away, the old one. But there are some things in there I’d like to keep. The memory of when we met. My inane thoughts. The poem. 

I suppose it is a relic of what I was or what I grew from. But a fresh page is a new beginning.

I’ve been turning the ring over and over on my finger all day. Its significance isn’t lost on me. I’m still in shock over what happened. It’s a good shock, however. I never once, in a million turns, thought that this would happen again. Not so soon, and not like this.

Am I glad of it? Yes. Am I scared? Of course. Who wouldn’t be? Scared and excited. Ready. Definitely. Ready.