Prompt: Top 3 Funniest IC Moments

[Sig]

Work today has been abnormally boring and tedious, making it time for a thought-stirring IC prompt.  Please feel free to select one of your FFXIV characters (ideally your main) and share information in response to the following question:

 

1.  What are the top three funniest moments your character has encountered?

 

Top 3 Funniest IC Moments

 

1.  The Miqo'te Squirt Gun Incident.  A teenage friend barged into Sigurd's private quarters while Sigurd was putting the moves on a blonde woman.  Sigurd shooed the teen away and the blonde woman left the room.  This made Sigurd lonely so he decided to go greet his new neighbors after hearing they operated an IC courtesan house.  Sigurd ended up inviting one of his new neighbors, who happened to be a busty, blonde Miqo'te courtesan wearing a Thavairian Bustle, back to his private quarters "for a drink."  

 

Sigurd was forging neighborly relations when the teen returned and knocked on the door (again). The blonde woman returned drunk at that time and knocked on the door violently beside the teen because she changed her mind about "sharing a drink" with Sigurd. However, Sigurd demanded they leave because he was enjoying the company of his new neighbor.  The teen and blonde refused and continued to knock.  Sigurd then called his business partner over a link shell to remove them from the hall.  Unable to tolerate being interrupted again, Sigurd gave the teen and the drunk blonde a final warning. They continued knocking.  

 

Because they refused to leave, Sigurd kindly asked his neighbor to "gross them out" in exchange for gil.  Being a professional working girl, she agreed, and Sigurd finally opened the door.  The teen and drunk blonde barged inside.  Seconds later, Sigurd's business partner stormed in with two free company associates all wearing heavy plate, ready to eject the teen and drunk blonde.  But it was too late.  

 

Sigurd had already scooped his new neighbor up, pushed her Tharvairian Bustle aside, aimed her like a squint-gun towards the intruders, and shouted, "spray!"  The intruders screamed in horror and scrambled out of the room before anything gross happened.  Sigurd's business partner, a ten-year veteran,collapsed outside, breathing heavily while he explained that in his ten years as a tactician, he'd never seen such an effective room-clearing tactic. Unfortunately, Sigurd soon learned his new neighbor was only interested in "business" that evening, as opposed to "drinking wine" without being paid.  Sigurd called her a "carbuncle-clock counter" and asked her to leave. He went to sleep sad and lonely that evening.  How cheap and disappointing. 

 

2.  All Saint's Wake for the Poor. Sigurd and his dear, independently wealthy friend Lord Elmo Gallette decided to celebrate the most spooky time of the year by going to a haunted house party dressed up as the thing that scared Elmo the most--the dirty, impoverished masses. Sigurd convinced his dear friend to be charitable and buy their costumes off a few street rats in Pearl Lane. Elmo agreed and paid several poor lads a total of 10 gil for the rags off their backs. Sigurd and Elmo helped one another get dressed for the party, even applying dirt to their faces to really play the part.

 

Upon entering the spooky party, Sigurd and Elmo gave homage to the poor masses by mimicking their simple dialects: "...Ugh, Mighty kind of you, Miss, to offer this-here candy. Gonna grab a few more handfuls for little Billy's sake, ole' Elmo here can barely keep that growing boy fed." Sigurd, a vintner, complimented the hostess for offering free wine, explaining it was the first time he'd tried wine, as he only drank water to make sure he had enough gil to feed his six children. Sigurd later apologized for dumping a bowl of candy into his over-sized pants. The hostess was forgiving because Sigurd explained, "...this-here candy is the only thing I reckon' will keep my six boys fed comin' up this winter. Blessins' of the Twelve upon ye."

 

Sigurd's wife was enraged when she heard Elmo and Sigurd laughing wildly over a link pearl during the event, and demanded that the two insensitive men show sympathy for the poor. Elmo and Sigurd begrudgingly heeded to the charitable spirit to escape further nagging by donating the rags they called costumes to a nearby charity after leaving the party.

 

3.  It's the best day of your life, ser mullet.  Sigurd felt very sorry for an acquaintance he pitied due to the poor man's past marital problems and unsightly mullet.  The poor man had also made the mistake of spreading nasty rumors about Sigurd.  Being a forgiving man, however, Sigurd decided to brighten the man's day upon spotting him in the Quicksand.  Sigurd had always perceived of the poor man as a grim, moody dark-knight type who always seemed to have trouble with the ladies.  Therefore, Sigurd rounded up four female acquaintances who happened to be in the Quicksand that evening, and convinced them to swarm the poor man, shower him with compliments, and hug him tightly.  

 

The ladies performed exceptionally.  Meanwhile, Sigurd opined the poor man's striking mullet had unleashed the ladies' carnal desires to a point they could not keep their hands off him.  Sigurd promised the poor man it was the "best day of his life" and that "it will be many moons before you find this much attention again."  Sigurd assured the poor man that no thanks were necessary because he had failed to protect the man from such an outpouring of affection. The poor man was shocked and embarrassed.  This made Sigurd sad, but no one could tell because he was laughing too hard.  The poor man treated the ladies with respect but soon after left the Quicksand.  How awful.

[Caspar]

1. Virara trying to explain to a couple others what essentially amounted to stand up comedy, with predictable results. 

2. Virara getting "the talk" from a complete stranger who had attempted to flirt and divebombed hard. This was conspicuously absent from her education as her Master either thought it was useless for her student to know, or too awkward to explain easily.

3. Virara getting kicked out of her roommate's bed by a jealous girlfriend. Virara slept in the same bed with her Master as there was limited space in their home, so she thinks of this as natural. 

 

There are many others, like Virara trying to touch Barengar's nearly bald head and Virara's atomic cooking but these come to mind first.