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[Journal] Lost in Thoughts

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Entry I - Rebirth:

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I should be dead.


I remember that night perfectly, the seeing pain flowing through my body as the corruption spread - I knew that it inevitable and I even accepted it. I made the decision to call one of my closest friends, to tell him goodbye. I did just that but as we talked, the more I realized I wasn't ready to die and the more desperate I became to figure out how he could save me.


It wasn't him though, Feine never even made it to my side that night.


I remember seeing a man, a Raen, just like me. After that, I feel unconscious. I still don't know how many suns I always out, but long enough to see myself changed.


When I woke up, I was laying in grass under a tree. It was a rather rude awakening considering it was none other than Feine who found me. He isn't the person I remember.


After he left, I went to find civilization and I was quick to find it at a place called Tailfeather. My red pendant, given to me by Waylon, was gone and replaced with a blue one. When I tried to take it off, it wouldn't budge. I'm unsure why it's there, but if it isn't hurting me, I suppose I wont bother to try to find other means to remove it.


I saw my reflection in the stream and what I saw was a woman I couldn't truly identify. She had light orange hair and eyes that would truly remind one of fire. If I couldn't even see it as me, then perhaps it really wasn't.


Kanako Moonweaver died in Southern Thanalan, alone and in great pain. No one will ever find her body. With her dead and past buried, Marigold will fill the void she left behind and will help bring change for the good of Hydaelyn.

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Entry 2 - The Wicked and The Innocent:

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From Tailfeather to Ul'dah, the journey back is rather dull. The only thing I have with me is the clothes on my back, a chocobo, and two daggers. The further I go, the more my hunter instincts grow. It'll get to a point where I can easy track and hunt my prey from afar, this will become very useful when it comes to hunting the wicked.


The wicked.


I've had much time to think about exactly what I'll do with this new life given to me, how I will make a change for the good of Hydaelyn. I will take the risks that the Grand Companies wont in order to put the wicked in their place. Slavers, murderers, manipulators - none will be safe. I'll take them down one by one to keep the innocents safe, so they don't have to go through the same pain as I did.


I wont lose my way. I realize that there will be much blood on my hands, but it's okay. I'm doing it to save the many, so no matter how much is spilled, it'll all be for the greater good. No matter what people tell me my mind wont change and they wont manipulate me to try to make me lose my way. I will do what is right.


The enemies I will make will be more then the friends I make, but that's okay. I'm okay with not having many friends to support me and be by my side, I don't want them there to begin with. It was because Kanako had too many friends that she brought them great pain and sorrow. If I keep them at a distance, I wont make the same mistakes.


As I rest by the warm campfire tonight, it gives me time to reflect and truly figure out what I am going to do. I understand that I still look similar to her, but I just have to deny the claims. I will make sure that the people she was close to will learn to let go and face the facts that she is truly gone - I wont give them any other choice.

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Entry 3 - The way of the Bow:

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I wandered through Western Highlands rather aimlessly and desperate to keep warm. My daggers were no longer useful for hunting, I couldn't move as freely as I wished. When it came time to hunt, I found a bowman striking down a bear with ease. At one point I almost thought he was going to shoot an arrow at me the way he had it pointed. Though I am thankful that he found me, for he saw my state of hunger and offered to share the hunted prey with me.


We started up a campfire and gave my chocobo time to rest near the warm fire. It was while we prepared the meat that I had asked him about his skills and eventually convinced him to teach me. In return, I must help him kill the biggest game at all - Behemoth. We are unsure when he will show his face but one thing we know for sure is that we'll be there when the time comes.


Everysun on the way back to civilization, he would teach me techniques with the bow and explain how to properly string a bow and make a makeshift bow if I am ever desperate and in need of a quick weapon. I have him to thank for my improvements with the bow and I understand now why Mamiko Moonweaver seemed to be so fond with the way of the bow.


As I reach Ishgard, I have realized just how long of a journey it was, but it was well worth. I have a teacher to teach me the way of the bow and a new purpose. I wont let my skills and purpose go to waste, not like last time and never again.


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OOC Note: These entries are obviously days apart, i'm just trying to catch-up on all of them until I finally reach present events.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Entry 4 - Waylon Baladur:

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When I arrived in Ul'dah, I met a Highlander. He was someone that Kanako loved, but also brought her great pain. To see him as who I am now felt very strange. He called me 'Moon' and I had to prove to him that I wasn't her. I am Marigold, just a vigilante, nothing more. The news of Kanako's death almost brought him to tears, I could see it no matter how hard he tried to hide it.


I even gave him that red pendant that he gave to her as a gift, a pendant she always wore.


When I left, he looked completely distraught. Part of me wished I could just give him a hug and tell him it was okay, that there was no need for sorrow. Alas, that isn't something I can do, because everything isn't okay.


He is the first person I had spoken to about her death and I already know that delivering the same news over and over again isn't going to get easier.


But this is for the better, for everyone's sake. I won't have to worry about bringing pain and sorrow to everyone I know like Kanako did.


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OOC Note: I'm still very behind since this was something that happened at the beginning of the month. Until I can FINALLY catch up, the entries will remain rather short.

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Entry 5 - Secrets:

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I've seen him, again and again. I can't bear to see the sight of him, but not because I don't like it. It's actually quite the opposite. I care for Waylon and I told him that Kanako was dead. He believed me and was left alone to think bout what I had told him.


But what if. What if I made an exception? If I did that, then we would go through the same cycle as we did before. Sure we would have good times, but it would only be met with pain shortly after. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth telling him the truth? My entire reason for doing this is so others wouldn't have to worry about me, am I really going to go against that for one person?


If I do it for one person, I might certainly do it to others and at that point, there would be no reason for the name at all. I shouldn't do it, but I have this longing to still tell him.


If I told him, we could go back to the way things use to be, before I went to chase something in the shadows hoping I could catch, only to find myself going further and further until I was lost. Maybe, things will be better this time. Maybe it would even be a good idea for him to know. To have that one person to keep me grounded.


Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.


- - -


I was right. When I told him the truth, he was livid. He couldn't believe I went so far as to make him believe that. I know him well, deep down I knew he would fully understand why I did it and accept it. I was right, he did. He was angry that I told him Kanako was dead, but was happy to know who I really was.


Everything will be okay.

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Entry 6 - Conflict of Ideals:

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Within this moon, I have hunted quite a few criminals and was successful in finishing them off. Only a couple have managed to escape my grasp and I told myself it wouldn't happen again. Now, I'm unsure.


And it's his fault, all his fault. If I never made that stupid deal, I wouldn't be in this mess.


Tray'ju. A smuggler I met at Vesper Bay -  I wasn't looking to kill him, but instead use him to get to his employers . Of course, he wouldn't let that happen and once I realized he wasn't going to make it easier, I told myself that I would have to instead remove the source and deal with knowing it would now be more difficult to find his employers.


Even after taking a bullet to my right shoulder, I had him on the ground and ready to face death, but he threw a surprise at me.




I'm still not sure what it was, but he threw a drug at me to not only blind me but send me down to my knees as well. If he wanted to, he could've likely finished me off. He didn't though and at the time, I didn't understand why.


I knew we would meet again, but I figured it would be more like last time except with me actually finishing him off. Alas, that's not was is was like at all. Arcadeus needed information on 'B.B' in order to track him down and find the relic he stole from out client. What we did know about 'B.B' is that he has worked with many smugglers and even had a recent shipment in Vesper Bay. Lucky me, I happened to know a smuggler so I was tasked with getting what information I could. I knew he would drive a hard bargain for it, after all, I did try to kill him, but he was the only chance I had.


Part of me wishes I never made the deal. On the surface, the deal seemed unfair to me for such small information. Under the surface, I thought I had gained the upper hand. Not only would I have a year to kill all these other criminals he would lead me to, but I would be able to remove him from the picture too.


However, as I sit here now, alone in the dim-lit room, I begin to think that I made a mistake. I haven't known Tray'ju for that long and even so, he has already accomplished so much. He has successfully obtained a new smuggling partner, beat my ideals to the ground, and tempt me with Somnus.


With everything he has done, I can already tell I'm changing. But maybe, just maybe, that isn't a bad thing. As much as I loathe this man and want to think he is wrong, maybe I'm just not thinking clearly. I don't think I can fully admit it to myself, at least not yet. This entire thought process is leaving me conflicted, I need more whiskey.


*Side note: After the injury sustained in my fight with Tray, I am unable to feel anything in my right arm. I am unable to move it and with this setback, I am unable to fight. I need to keep my guard up at all times because of this - I'm at a disadvantage.


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OOC Note:


I finally caught up with the entries! I actually skipped over some stuff that happened within the month that she has been around, but I took the time to consider how crucial it really was to her character development and saw it as something that didn't matter too much.


Any entries beyond this point is considered on time unless stated otherwise.

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Entry 7 -

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It was when I was drinking down the bottle of brandy that Morgana generously gave me and looking over the list names I had made when considering who to hunt down next when I got the call over the Free Company pearl. It was Valen Stalhart and he had requested to see me for a moment. It took me awhile until I actually convinced myself to go meet with him in his lab. When I arrived, I still didn't know why he wanted to see me until he had asked me if this was something I really wanted to do.


I can't believe that it even slipped my mind. He was going to mend the damage done to my right arm so I could finally fight again. It made me a bit happy knowing that I finally wouldn't be left at a disadvantage. It's funny, I never really thought about what life would be like without a ligament, or two. It's not until you lose it when you realize how difficult simple tasks suddenly become.


I'm not entirely sure how he did it, but his fancy magitek helped me greatly. I can feel and move my arm again and now I can continue life mostly normal in one piece.


There was something Valen told me which threw me a bit off guard after the operation. He told me I was dreaming and saying something about "Escorting to Mor Dhona'. I shrugged it off and went back to my chambers, but now that I think about it, I think I know what I know what I was dreaming about.


We met before, a very long time ago back when I lived a simple life and was finally making something for myself. I remember his visor, his lance and where we met. For someone for I had only met once, I never thought we would even be working together now. He sees me as Marigold, the person that I am now. I'll make sure it remains that way.

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Entry 8 - Decisions:

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Waylon visited me yesterday and I wish he didn't. I always love seeing him but he chose one of the worst times. When he walked in, he saw the four empty bottles on the end of my desk and immediately started making accusations. He claimed I was an alcoholic and it only got worse from there.


I didn't want to tell him. He didn't have to know. I didn't want him to deal with my problems, but he insisted. I told him everything. About the deal, I made with Tray, about how I finally decided to abandon my ideals as a vigilante and how I was to retire my lance.


During these moons, I've noticed that any time I try to do something good for the people, I fail. I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try. No one ever said life was fair, but it almost feels like the twelve is out to get me. What's the point in even trying?


Waylon didn't like anything I had to say, talking turned to yelling and then, in my anger, I thought it would be a wonderful idea to slap him across the face. I was furious, he kept calling me a coward. I regret doing that so much, my arm still hurts from when he pulled me up from my wrist.


He kept trying to get to me, to tell me to not give up and to just keep going with what I was doing. He told me that all I have done was make him happy and hopeful. He loved how I "made it through hell and back" and still manage to be a positive influence. What I don't think he understands is that everyone reaches a breaking point and I've reached mine. I can't keep going, I try and I try but I just can't anymore. I'm done trying to be the "hero". However, I can't "retire". Even through all of this shit, I can't bring myself to fully retire. I have a Free Company who relies on me now, and a smuggling deal I have to finish.


I've accepted what I must do. There is no point in continuing to hold this grudge against Tray. If anything, he's actually helped me face the realities. It was rough getting to this point, but no one said it would be easy.


Life just isn't fair.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Entry 9 - Delusions of Failure:

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When you find yourself alone for long periods of time, your mind will wander and think of things you wish were left alone. The thought that has dawned on me the most, and always will, is the thought and fear of failure. All my life Within two lifetimes, I have always lived for other. I just wanted them to be happy and be able to live their lives without a worry in the world. For some, I have lived up to those expectations. Waylon is a happy man, Mamiko is safe and making a name for herself, and Danny, that pirate kid, has a stable job on the Docks and is under full protection of the Maelstrom.


Alas, they are only the minority. I once chased a man of the void itself and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. I left him behind, I failed him and that is something that will never leave me. With Tray'ju now in my life, I begin to question what exactly he is getting himself into. How far will he go until I'm sent chasing again? I don't wish to find out, I don't wish to fail him. I've cared about a lot of people and failed almost all of them, I don't want him to be one of them.


Thus, I shall follow him because I believe in him, I am loyal, and because I don't want him to become lost with the burdens of his problems. I just want this to go right, no matter what bumpy roads may lie ahead.


Even as the fear of failure claws at the back of my mind, I will continue forth and make sure I don't make the same mistakes I did before. I've learned to care about this man and will protect him in any way I can. That is what a friend does and should do.


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As I come back to this paper, another thought has dawned on me. What of Nahare and now Hojo? The two people I left behind have somehow manage to spring themselves back in, and I haven't even seen Hojo! I should've known it would've been only a matter of time, for Tray is a criminal and Hojo the hunter. If there is anything I remember about that man, it's that he won't stop until the job is done and no other payments can change his mind. Before I went.....missing....there was a point in time where I didn't see him, I always wondered what happened to him. Perhaps, if there is any chance at all, I can figure that out. However, the chances are slim, for I am now no better than Tray and will only be seen as a target. Even if I still was the woman i once was, I don't think Hojo would show any mercy.


Then there is Nahare. It didn't take the woman long to find that scent and ever since I've made damn sure not a single miqo'te will pick up that scent. I left her confused and angered and now, she points the barrel at me. Because of my decisions, I never see us forming any sort of friendship or even alliance for that matter. Does that mean I failed her too? Are some of her pains because of me? I don't have any answers and every time I think of the worse, I take on swig from the glass and hope I can just forget the thought entirely. Unfortunately, it is only a temporary fix. If the mind so desperately wants you to remember something, then not even alcohol will make it go away.


All I wanted to do was to keep Kanako from being a burden to them, to put an end to the sorrow she would inevitably bring them. But isn't that what I am doing now? I'm making Nahare unhappy and confused. She points a gun at me and I can see it in her eyes, once I give her that one reason, she won't hesitate to pull the trigger and send me down to my knees.


I am left to face the realities of my choices and just like before, I don't like it. I'll make it through, I'll learn to accept the facts, for there is no turning back now.


I must accept it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Entry 10 -

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It all happened so quickly, one minute we were all together trying to apprehend a relic, the next we're back at the mansion only to see it in flames. It's still a bit hazy, but I remember Valen fighting against the man with a magitek sword and being told to run. That night, I was only left to my thoughts, to wonder what could've possibly happened to Valen and if he was still alive.


The following morning, I went looking for him. That was all I did that sun. I trailed back to the scene of the accident only to see the authorities still swarming around it. They wouldn't let me get close but the one thing that I managed to see, was the broken remains of Valens spear.


I went in circles until finally, I got a lead. Someone in Mor Dhona reported they may've seen the man that I was describing and with that small bit of information, I was determined that I would find him here.


It took time, but I did find him, but he didn't look too good. I could see it in his eyes, he was giving up. I'm unsure what exactly took place after we left, but the horrid injuries were enough for me to take a guess. I wanted to help him but he kept refusing, telling me to stop wasting my time and to go home. I couldn't just leave him, not like that, but he wasn't giving me much of an option either. That night, I stayed in Mor Dhona, I gathered as many scraps that I thought Valen might be able to use, I wanted to prove that he didn't have to do this alone.


That night, I can imagine I only managed two hours of sleep. I felt like shit, but I managed to gather a lot and buy some magitek scraps off of some of the merchants in Mor Dhona. I went looking for him again, I found him in what felt like a chasm, his voice echoed through every time.


Once more did I get the same results, he wouldn't accept my help, he even remembers me for who I really am. Everything I did, all the arguing and frustration was for nothing, he left me and this time for good.


This is a cruel, endless cycle. I try to do something right, I try to help someone and prove they don't have to be alone ever again, and I fail. How many more must I fail before I get it through my head that I can't do it? I've done nothing right and it's not going to get any better.


As much as I want to give up, something keeps clawing at the back of my mind, to keep going. But why? Why do I keep fighting knowing that the end result will always be the same?

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Entry 11 - The Need to Rebuild:

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Arcadeus is scattered, but we're still doing our best to keep going. We still have people coming to us for employment and it all feels rather strange considering the circumstances. Despite the tragedy, many have remained hopeful and so have I. I do believe that Arcadeus can rebuild and rise again, out of all of the things that I've given up on, Arcadeus is not one of them.


Deep down, part of me wants to just give up, it would be so much easier if I did, but I always manage to ignore that thought and fight; It makes my life so damn difficult. Part of me hopes that maybe, just maybe this will convince Valen to come back, that's only if I can find him. Even after he gave his final goodbye, I couldn't help myself and continued to look for him. Of course, it proved to be of no avail and it just made me feel worse.


I know where Valen is, the others don't. Dami and I have organized a time and place for everyone to meet up, there is much that needs to be discussed and I'll be damn sure to tell them the last place I saw Valen.


I've realized that this isn't something I can do alone and after having a few suns to myself, and the help of a friend an acquaintance, I've also realized how pathetic I am.


I'm sorry for failing you, Valen. Perhaps everyone else who cares for you will convince you to come back and that you don't have to fight alone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Entry 12 - Identity:

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So much has changed in such small amount of time. I left Tray with quite a bang and my life was saved by an intimidating Xaela. I think it was meeting him that really turned everything around. He had me angered, I was close to yelling and I could feel it. I could feel that corruption once more and he could too. He immediately questioned the blue pendant and despite my efforts, he just wouldn't leave it alone.


I am unsure what he did, but something that I once thought could never be removed was suddenly freed. I was unsure if I was grateful or terrified, but I was quick to leave. As soon as I found a room to rest in for the night, I began to plan how I would track down Tray. He almost killed me, he's caused everyone else nothing but trouble, and I already know he won't change. I want him dead.


What a surprise, the same Xaela man found me, it had been a few suns and the corruption inside of me was already getting worse. I had a limited time to get the deed done and him distracting me wasn't going to help, but he didn't come to idle chatter, no, he came to help. I'm still not even sure how to explain exactly, but his freakish staff managed to just.....take it all away. I just don't understand, but it really fucking hurt.


When the pendant was removed, my appearance changed. I noticed that one of my eyes was pure crimson red, and my hair returned to pure red. There she was, there was the dead woman. She was hiding under those magics and without them, she was free. I didn't want her to be free, so I managed to obtain an alchemical potion which allowed me to change my hair back to that light orange color that everyone knew.


I could've taken the chance right then and there to just return to an old life, but I thought it was too late, I was already this far into my new life that it would be even more difficult to just turn back around. However, after seeing Hojo again, I'm not so sure.


Hojo followed me outside of Limsa Lominsa. Part of me knew I should've continued on and make him believe Kanako was dead, but I couldn't. It just wasn't in my heart, he was someone I deeply cared for and couldn't abandon just like that. I gave him all the subtle signs until he finally connected it all and when he did, it was anything but pleasant. He yelled at me, claimed that I was selfish, I had no one to blame but myself, and how pathetic I was. He's right, I really am pathetic.


When I woke up in those woods and saw my reflection, I looked completely different. I almost didn't know who I even was and that's how it should've been. I thought it was a sign to start over and make life happier for everyone else. Ever since this change, it's been anything but happy yet instead of giving it up, I've kept going and hoped that it would get better. After seeing Hojo and others I use to be close to, now I'm not so sure.


I just want to make things right. Yet I feel like if I drop everything and bring someone back from the dead, it'll just make things worse. What will people of the free company think? I lied to them and it'll make them think I'm not to be trusted. What of the others? Will they truly be happy to see her again, or angered and not forgive me for leading them in circles?


I'm lost and confused, I'm not sure what's better for me. What's the point in keeping this up? So many already know but choose to blissfully ignore and call me Marigold anyway.


Yes, that's right.....


Marigold. It's just a name, nothing more.

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Entry 11 - Just for Fun:

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The page had streaks of red across it that looked like blood, most likely from her hand.


Sun, he knows, he knows! I told him I was no good and pretending to be someone I wasn't and accepted me as Kanako! He was willing to help me with hunting down Tray and quite the help he has been.


I received some important information about where Tray would be heading and it proved to be true! I found him and I ambushed him. He didn't know what hit him, he's so weak and it didn't take long for him to go down. Sun helped me hide him and we're just having some fun.


Some fun.


This is fun. Right?


It feels nice, the thrill, the adrenaline, it feels right. He's a bad person and he's getting what he deserves. This is the right thing to do, to take justice into my own hands.


Sun, he gets it, this feels right for him too. This is the way it's supposed to be. I found myself a friend, one that truly gets me and we'll help each other.


He'll make sure Tray never leaves and I'll wait until he's gotten what he really deserves before actually finishing him.


This is the right thing to do.

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Entry 12 - Weakness:

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I did it. I captured Tray and everything was fine. Everything was fine. Everything was fine until the Black Lotus caught my trail, I didn't say anything, I wouldn't tell them. I couldn't fail again, I couldn't. I came with them willingly, I had no other choice, I couldn't run and I couldn't fight back.


The one who subjugated me to such pain scares me, I never saw his face but I know his voice and the voice and what he did and can do scare me. I don't want to find the voice, I don't want the voice to find me. I told him to stop, I pleaded for help, but it never came. Even so, I told them nothing. It likely would've been easier if I did, but I won't fail him.


I've failed enough times, I can at least try to get one thing right. But how much can I take? I keep trying to do something right and there is always someone there to keep pushing me down. All I want is just a brief time of safety, I thought I had it when I was finally free. I was so, so wrong. People like to toy with me, it brings them pleasure to see me suffer. I hate it, I hate them, I hate them! They scare me....


I thought taking Tray was going to be easy, that once we had him, we would be able to escape things easy, but I miscalculated like I always do. Things are getting worse and worse and there is no one around to keep me sane.


I'm a hypocrite. I don't want people to help me, I want to figure things out on my own, I want to prove that I'm strong, I don't want to burden people and risk them getting hurt. Yet here I am, wishing that I had help. I wanted Valen to help me, but he was right, his efforts would be in vain.


I'm tired. He's more trouble than he's worth, but I have to finish the task I was given. I will complete the task but after that, I'll rest.


I'll finally rest.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Entry 13 - Motivation:

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I found Nahare and what I thought would be a terrible meeting, actually turned out to help me. She yelled at me, telling me how I lied to her and left her, which I did and fully admit, but I didn't bother to argue. Instead, I couldn't help but feel the need to help her. The poor woman is due to give birth to her kits soon and the man who got her pregnant, Hojo, isn't even around.


He isn't loyal, he left her behind. Last I checked, he was hanging around a brothel, but maybe there isn't something to this I don't know? But the way Nahare sounded, she didn't know he was there. He's a good man, that much I know and want to believe. I'm trying to rebuild his trust and telling this to Nahare isn't the way to do it, but I had to tell her. She had to face the facts that Hojo wasn't going to be there for her and the kits. Yet here I sit, still thinking there is some good to him. He can help Suna and I with this endeavor, but I have to find a way to get him on board. Last I saw him, he yelled at me and called me a liar too. That's what everyone seems to associate me with, but I've accepted that fact. I'll think more on how to approach him about Tray'ju and how he can further help us.


Being able to see Nahare again actually gave me a bit of strength, although tensions are still high, I think we both want the same thing for each other. I want to help her and be there for her to help care for her kits and tend to her wellbeing and she want's to keep me safe. I wan't to keep her out of all of this, knowing her, it'll be hard, but I just need to do enough to convince her to focus on her kits. I need to rebuild the trust lost so she can believe me and finally listen and take my advice.


She thinks that even with kits, she can run around still risking her life, but that's not how it works. Don't risk your life and risk not being able to see your kits again, invest in them and not violence. I also need time to strategize what to do next, when Tray'ju is completely out of the picture, that won't be the end of it.


The Black Lotus will continue to look for him and others like him will spring up and try to cause trouble, I'll be there from preventing something like this from happening again, but I can't do it alone. I already know Sun would be willing to help me and if I can get Hojo on board, we'll be able to accomplish quite a lot.


I tell myself I'm ready to rest, but I should've known it's not in my heart. I can tell myself that one hundred times, but my heart's desire won't change. I like the thrill.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Entry 14 - Crate & Rhyme:

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What an interesting pair. Crate is a blonde and young looking male Miqo'te who is anything but young. Rhyme is.....well, Rhyme is something. What I know about that one is that he's connected to the Void and likes murder. Not the type of person I would ever want to go against and I hope I never will.


Crate found me that night, said he was going to a party and I was his 'date'. Judging by the suit he was wearing, it was a fairly fancy party and a party I was nowhere near dressed for. He's an eccentric fellow, to say the least. He has no filter, he thinks it, he'll say it. The party he was going to had a book,

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Entry 14 - Putting the Pieces Back Together:

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I find myself grabbing at whatever pieces of happiness I can for who knows how long it'll last. After I removed the taint from my body and removed myself from what was causing me trouble, I find myself more at peace. I see things clearly and I'm doing my best to accept more help. I have friends now, ones who I actually trust and hold dear. I might not see them all the time, but they're there when I need them most and I for them.


I left Limitless Reliquary, I enjoyed the company and still keep in touch with them, but I didn't like the idea of being tied to one organization. I travel often and just do my own thing, being confined to one place was making me anxious and I finally decided to pack my bags. Tirion was kind enough to offer a place to stay, somewhere I can go to but not be confined to; It certainly beats tavern hopping.


Things are finally looking up, I pushed past the doom and gloom and now I'm seeing the results of my fighting. Granted, the gloom still creeps back around every now and again but it isn't something that's holding me back anymore. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm ready and I have Tirion, Kami, Valen, Ruran, and Kanko to thank.


These people have also helped me think about my current......'profession'. The title Vigilante sounds wonderful in theory, but it's just filled with hardships and an impossible goal. I can't kill them all and I shouldn't let the blame fall to me, some things are just out of my control. I've considered my options and I'm debating if I should continue on this path. Though I'm sure my ambitions will get the best of me and I just stick with it, but who knows.


Only time will tell.

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Entry 15 - Crate:

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That son of a bitch. He's such a vulgar, manipulative, and hateful man. A stupid necromancer who made me think taking his deal was a good idea. The taint in me was finally taken back and I thought everything would be fine. He left me alone, let me do as I pleased and continue my life normally. So why? Why now? Why would he decide to suddenly show up in my life after I had already started making things right again? Perhaps it is his way to torment me, to let me know that I can never truly escape him. I only have one option to deal with him and that's to kill him while I can. I know his weakness and that will be my only time to strike and the most difficult time to find him, during morning and afternoon hours with the sun shining brightly in the sky.


This is also something I can't do alone, I'm lucky to know Ruran who has dealt with many Voidsent before. But what about a Necromancer? I'd like to think he has but, by the gods, I don't want to run a risk of him possibly dying....


What of his pet? He is bounded to Crate and if we eliminate him, will the pet roam free or will it simply 'die' along with him? There are so many questions and if I managed to muster any answers, it just leads to further questions. I know that I have time, after all, I left Crate in quite the weaken state, hells, I probably took him by surprise. I proved that I don't need a Void taint to make me stronger and that's a good thing, I need whatever I can to at least seem intimidating in the slightest. In any case, I have time but I don't know how much.


I need to figure this out and soon as when he returns, I feel like I won't be as lucky as last time.

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Entry 16 - Gathering Allies:

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With Crate around again, this is something I just can't ignore. After he took my taint away, I was running away from him, hoping to forget,  but I'm done running. He wants my life - I'll make it as difficult as possible to take it. I'll gather my allies, ones confident in their abilities and have dealt with Voidsent before.


I'll keep track of who has joined me and who I wish to join me in this endeavor. I forsee myself having to speak to some people who have, well, bitter feelings towards me. But, I must do this and I will do what I must to convince them to join my cause.


So far, Ruran Vas has graciously offered his aid. He has dealt with a lot Voidsent before and I've seen him fight, he can easily hold his own. I hope that Hojo will join the cause but I get the feeling he won't like seeing me again, I can only hope I'll find him while he isn't armed and that's a challenge end of itself. Tirion is a very strong and confident fighter, but he has Kami to watch over and his own problems with that crazy Doman woman. I don't wish to throw more stress on him. Valen, well, I don't think he's dealt with Voidsent before, but uh, I sure as hell know nothing stops him once he's in a fight. Then, there's Aulsoix, I consulted him once before about killing a Voidsent and he stated he would be glad to help if I brought it to his attention, but it's just a matter of finding him and actually having time to sit down and talk to him about the matter.


Crate will regret threatening my life.

He won't know what hit him.

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Entry 17 - Following the Trail:

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Like I didn't already have enough to worry about, there was that other one I almost forgot about - Stroud Forscythe. He went silent for a while, couldn't find him and suspicious activity posted in the Tonberry's Lantern was kept at a minimum, if not absent. Sure, my investigation on him was still something I was going to carry out, but it's the last thing I've been worried about these past weeks.


It wasn't until I was looking through old articles about four suns ago that I noticed I had formed a pile of articles about Xaela murders. My original intent was to find anything related to Necromancy, maybe find some info about Crate even if it was just mere rumors, but I found nothing relating to that and only that pile of Xaela murders. I'd say it was still a successful search. When I looked through the papers, some I remembered and others I didn't - These Xaela murders were even occurring before I even wore the face of Marigold and to think, I didn't even notice and if I did, I likely didn't see it as too much of a concern. I'm not entirely shocked that these murders were prominent even that long ago, but it's just the fact of how similar they all are. They were usually women and murdered in Ul'dah or out in Thanalan


Despite this, I still don't have any solid proof to act on it. I've been doing my best to pry for any sort of information from him, make him slip up or try and trigger some sort of emotion to make him act so, in return, I can act in "self-defense", but it's proven to be of no use. But luckily for me, I'm now practically being handed the opportunity to act. It's like it's being given to me on a golden platter.


Last night, we happened to be in the same tavern, he claimed that it was like he was following him, even though I arrived there first. When I stated it sounded more like he was following me, he didn't even bother to respond. It has me suspicious, but I also doubt he's actually following me. He even tried to push me to perform on the small stage the tavern had set-up and I refused to no end; He just wanted to make a fool of me. Shortly after, he decided to perform and it was nothing compared to the others. While the other performers danced and sung happily, he recited rather dark and twisted piece of poetry. It was no surprise for someone like him to recite something like that but it also gave me just a bit of insight as to what he could be thinking about and further proof that, with his mentality, he is likely a man to kill or hire others to do it for him.. After the show, I left and he followed behind me and I wasn't just about to ignore him. After all, I'm taking every chance I get to remind him that I'm still after him.


I lied to him, I told him I was close to having enough evidence to come knocking at his doorstep and taking action. Like usual, he showed no emotion but he did respond in a way I wasn't expecting and I was rather pleased. He invited me to his home, stated he had something that might pique my interest. I can only imagine what it is and I hope it's enough to finally put an end to him,


Even if it isn't, I could just do it anyway. I want to end this while I can and it'll be one less thing I have to worry about.

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[The writing on the next page seems to be rather messy as if she was rushing and perhaps writing with her off-hand. It wouldn't even be considered an entry.]

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I couldn't do it.

I failed again.

Couldn't do it. Couldn't do it.

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Entry 18 - An Unlikely ally:

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To think, someone doing business with Stroud actually has a kind heart! Eshea, she's a kind woman who showed concern for me ever since she saw me with Stroud. I appreciate the woman's empathy and it's very welcomed. If anything, it actually threw me off, I'm not sue to someone I hardly know being worried about me.


My injuries from that confrontation as starting to heal. My left horn is regrowing slowly and the cuts on my body are starting to fade. The bruising around my neck is still there but it's less so now compared to before and it doesn't exactly hurt to eat and drink anymore. My right arm is still broken to shit and I've yet to get it looked at. I know I should before it's too late but I am hesitant to go see this medic which Eshea recommended. I hardly know them, I don't doubt their skills, but I just can't bring myself to go to them. I MUST see Ora soon so this can be handled.


You'd think the worst possibility to happen during a violent confrontation is death but after escaping death so many times and struggling so much, I've learned that death is actually the best possibility. You can escape the suffering and finally rest. Stroud had me. Once he got the revolver out of my hand it was all over yet instead of killing me, he just brutally punished me and now, well now I'm forced to serve under him like a prisoner. My life is now in his hands until the day that I can successfully flee without the worry of him sending someone after me.


The worse possibility is waking up every morning having to serve under a man in fear of him taking your life or simply beating you again. However, I'm not going to let him win, he has me now but I will escape this and when I do, he'll regret it.

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