Jump to content


Recommended Posts

Once again Limsa Lominsa has proved itself a sorry excuse for an attempt at civilized society!  It is a breeding ground for the worst men to come together and wallow in one anoher’s filth. And no, I don’t mean the worst people, I mean the worst men.


I was having a drink at the Missing Member, the only place in that godsforsaken city worth a damn, scoping the place out for any eastern beauties who may have taken refuge within its walls. While my search turned up tragically fruitless, that wasn’t the worst part of the night. Upon exiting the establishment I was accosted by a pervert claiming to be from the far east, obviously a ruse to lure in less worldly women, but we’ll get to that later. He approached me wearing nothing but a coeurl-print thong and a ridiculous Card-Burden-o helmet! He was practically screaming at me to come and celebrate Heavensturn in the traditional far-eastern fashion by touching his enormous yellow cock!



Naturally and obviously shocked I could not help but ask what in the seven hells he was talking about. It was about all I could do not to strike him, but the helmet looked sturdy and I did not want to hurt my hand, as they’re my moneymakers. He told me that it was the year of the cock and that it was cause to celebrate, he went on and on about the traditions of his supposed far-eastern homeland. As he spoke, and the more and more he spoke of cock, I became more and more enraged.


First of all, I know enough to be absolutely certain that every word he spoke was false, as I am a veritable scholar on the culture of the East, and nothing he said was familiar to me. Yes it is true that Doma has different gods than us but never have they been a people to celebrate body parts at the start of a new year, I knew he was simply trying to lure me with an elaborate ruse. Thankfully, even if I wasn’t as knowledgeable as I am, I am well-informed enough to abhor cock in every form, whether it be attached to a man or flying through the sky.


And so I took it upon myself to solve this problem for the good of women everywhere: I acted interested in his lies and had him follow me to the Missing Member, where I dropped him off. The pirates surely took care of the rest, as the only positive thing Limsa Lominsa can be counted on to provide is vigilante justice.


I mean, honestly. I knew the year would be awful what with the heavens turning to Rhalgr, that ridiculous Ala Mhigan “God”, but I had no idea how awful a start I was in for.


If any beautiful women, particularly Doman women, have had similar awful experiences and wish to discuss them with me you’re more than welcome to come by The Crucible’s offices. We might even interview you for this most esteemed publication!


Written by avian adversary Kagome Voulaizunlezotre.

Link to comment

Lately there have been buzzings in the unwashed hovel in southern Thanalan known as Little Ala Mhigo. Buzzings of a man known as The Griffin. He wears a bright white and purple hooded cloak, as if dressing in the flag of Ala Mhigo, proving himself to be every bit as tasteless as the city-state’s former citizens, if nothing else. He doesn’t even understand his own culture - Ala Mhigans put griffins on their flag sarcastically, as everyone knows. That’s why it’s on that den of pestilence in the desert, everyone knows the true Ala Mhigan flag is adorned with a bloody fist squeezing a beating heart.


To return to the point: his outlandish garb is striking, to be sure, but the most memorable of all his traits is the mask he wears to conceal his identity. Was he disfigured in a fight with Garleans? Is he a voidsent posing as a revolutionary to take back Ala Mhigo and open the voidgate hidden deep within the city and unleash the Eighth Umbral Calamity? Many have conjectured as much, and as likely as it is that Ala Mhigans would be responsible for the apocalypse, The Crucible has found the actual truth about the man on everyone’s tongues. We alone know the truth behind the Griffin’s mask, and we’re bringing this revelation straight to our loyal readers out of love and concern for your safety. We worry you might have been taken in by this con artist.



In the first of many revelations we have come to discover that the man who delivers the passionate, rousing speeches to the masses is but a body double! A public face for the plebs to adore while the true mastermind behind the mask lurks in the shadows pulling the strings. The identity of the double is irrelevant, just another nameless Ala Mhigan with heavy gambling debts the Griffin has offered to pay.


The next item to bring to light is the fact that for all the double’s talk, the Griffin isn’t even a full-blooded Ala Mhigan! With parents that died young, the former child was forced to live on the streets, and there gained a taste for crime and deceit. It was in such destitute living conditions in the slums and alleyways that they saw the dark side of society and their young mind was molded around thoughts of glory through theft, of power through acts unspeakable! These thoughts grew within them well into adulthood when they formed a clandestine organization of self-proclaimed self-policing highly-dangerous outlaws that called themselves “heroes” in order to paint their name in a positive light. But now, of course, the Griffin’s true name is known far and wide. The Griffin has been instrumental in shaping the history of Eorzea in the past five years, they’ve been behind the scenes of some of the greatest battles of our lifetime. The dastardly monster almost killed our beloved Sultana at a dinner party, something that no good Ul’dahn citizen could ever forgive. She disappeared afterwards and now we know to where the traitor has fled.



The Griffin is none other than the woman so many call “Minfilia Warde, Antecedent of the Scions of the Seventh Dawn”, but we at The Crucible call “a radicalized anarchist” and “a dangerous criminal” and especially “woefully devoid of fashion sense”. Don’t fall for her lies! Come to your senses, friends!


I mean, let’s be honest with ourselves. The Scions of the Seventh Dawn are just an illuminati cult trying to manipulate Eorzea towards destruction. Think of all the death, all the damage, all the despair caused by their actions. Think of how many men and women have suffered because of them. The numbers are staggering. Uncountable! And Minfilia is the worst of them. Clearly the Gryphon is some kind of scheme of theirs - reliable sources say the Scions have already infiltrated the so-called “Ala Mhigan Resistance” movement.


And let’s talk about that “resistance” movement, shall we? Do you honestly think there’s any good that can be accomplished by this movement? They beg and plead for Ul’dah to save them and then turn their noses whenever we stoop to the sin of generosity out of pity. They act so proud and mighty but they’re little more than a bunch of dirty homeless people who fight more than they speak and excel at neither. I once saw an Ala Mhigan attack an innocent child, and I hear they eat lalafellin infants as a delicacy!


All the money that ever gets put into them will only fund future acts of infanticide and cannibalism. Is Ala Mhigo even worth the effort and cost of “saving”? Really? When will they tire of pretending there’s anything “Ala Mhigan” left in what is entirely and wholly a Garlean city?


Knowing all this, we can conclude: The Griffin is a menace. Stay away, good citizens of Ul’dah, and let these idiots smash themselves uselessly against the Garleans’ walls until they tire themselves out and go back to racking up debt.



Written by staff sleuth supreme Kagome Voulaizunlezotre

Link to comment

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in

Sign In Now
  • Create New...