A Lesson in Passion

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The leatherbound journal appears well kept, it’s contents filled with notes and writings in both Eorzean and Xaelic handwriting. It would seem the original intent for the journal was to log crafting projects, yet the owner of this journal has used it for training notes and techniques, as well as personal diary entries. The most recent entry is marked with the date and number of the entry.

 

Today proved eventful, more so than usual. The Combat Fields provided a challenge unlike anything I’ve experienced since coming to the realm. I believe it may serve as a benchmark: being able to triumph in the tourney will be proof that I’m growing stronger, faster, more skilled. And yet, despite the wounds I suffered, and the experiences of this fighting competition, it’s what happened much later into the night that proved far more eye opening.

I met a Xaela woman, one who confronted me on staring after I had yet another incident with zoning out. A conversation was struck, about another tourney held in a brothel. It appears to be something similar to the Quicksand, strangely enough. She’s invited to show me later. I ended up coming with her to the private estate of another, and treated to a meal, as well as a tour.

But before that, she kissed me.

She did so with my consent, of course. Despite being no stranger to sex, I’ve not experienced a proper kiss. While one might wish to save it for someone special, I thought it prudent to be prepared for when, and if, that special someone appears. It was a strangely caring gesture, and by the end of the night, as I prepared to depart, she kissed me again. The second kiss, and what followed it, gave me insight I previously lacked.

She offered future kisses, along with the training in magic and combat we discussed prior. For a blind woman relying on aether sight, she appears to be quite proficient in combat. In my flustered panic, I found myself falling back on my combat training, focusing my mind and trying to explain my stance. That I believed it best that I sort out the confusion in my mind at my own pace. She told me to speak from my heart when that explanation came out messy and confused.

Instinct is useful when honed by practice, yet I’ve little experience with the heart. Nevertheless, an attempt was made. It was then that she professed that she wanted this, and kissed me again. It was… alarmingly passionate. One could argue loving, though I wouldn’t know what “love” feels like when given by another. I’ve never had someone hold me by the hip before, not unless they were preparing to do me harm. I had to ask her how she could develop passion so rapidly. Even after her answer, I still find myself puzzled.

She spoke of imagining us as more than friends, even though we had only just met. It’s strange. Not bad, but strange. During that kiss, I felt an energy. A passion, but… I think it was more like the energy that comes with battle. How one feels the flow and heat of combat, how one channels that energy and uses it. And like the heat of battle, it threatened to consume me. Yet my father was nothing if not thorough, and like any fight, I was able to grip control before it could leave me.

How does one find themselves with such feelings and passions so fast? Is it perhaps similar to the will to fight? How some are eager to fight, and do so as easily as breathing, while others need extraordinary circumstances, or people, to take up arms? I can’t claim to share her feelings, even though I enjoyed our kiss. We’ve formed a friendship, yet she seemed to suggest that if we go down the path of romance, than it happens. Does she mean to imply that love is a feeling that just… happens? Does that mean one cannot control it? That one cannot dictate whom they fall in love with?

Despite the flurry of emotion, the confusion and shame on both sides, I’m actually happy she kissed me. It’s given me perspective, food for thought. I already feel like I understand this subject better than I did before. Yet I’m willing to bet that I won’t gain a true understanding until I experience it for myself. But… when will that happen, if it happens at all? And with whom?

This land is so heavy with affection and romance. Maybe the aether is affecting people in unseen ways? Or maybe I was merely blind to it back at the Steppe. Maybe my father kept me blind from it, like he blinded me from many things. Regardless, it is a mystery I intend to get to the bottom of, one day. Thank Nhaama for this journal, it does wonder for helping me organize my thoughts.

We shall see how things play out tomorrow

-Karahekegu Malqir