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Felix's story, tell me what you think!

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I'm not the best writer... For some reason I can role play fairly well but when it comes to writing long stories or histories I crumble. I usually have trouble with wording it so it sounds fancy/attractive to the reader and making sure it flows in an interesting way.


So despite how bad this is, I'm a good role player I swear :blush:


Let me know what you all think, I want to improve my writing and such so that requires critics!


Also, the style that I wrote this in is a dream. So I purposely tried to make it a broken/fragmented history of him. I -want- to keep parts of him a secret and parts of his past hidden, even OOCly.


Edit: Went through and put a more revised version of the story in!


A small cottage homestead came into sight, nestled deep within the eastern corner of the Black Shroud. The house had its own personality, but the vines of the Black Shroud didn't discriminate. They latched onto both of the cottage’s north sides, making their stairway to the heavens as they climbed up. The roofs were covered in moss, which rolled over the edge and hung down in various spots.  Any more was hard to see, as the morning fog had yet to leave.


The beautiful, serene forest song was shattered by a hoarse yell, which echoed throughout the tree-tops. All of the forest’s life seemed to vanish, and more yelling followed. It wasn't long before a door sprung opened and let out a young Hyur. Home-made packs, satchels and a hooded cloak covered the young man making him resemble a ranger. A bow and quiver were sitting outside upon the porch, and after grabbing it he stormed off into the woods. His mother looked out the window with a sorrow-touched expression upon her face, turning to speak to someone inside. It felt like years before another person ran out of the house, another Hyur, although he was much older and his face was touched with signs of wisdom. The older man pulled his hood up, wearing similar clothes to the young man, and ran off after him.


Felix looked around; anger and frustration had covered his face. 

How dare he? How dare he come back for five weeks and expect us to be fine with him leaving again. Does he not realize what he puts mother through? I will never be like him. Felix stopped, shaking the words from his thoughts before hastening his speed. He knew the forest well, and seemed to be following his own path as he leaped through the forest, unaffected by the changing terrain.


A haze of fog covered the land before the older Hyur came into focus, kneeling down to inspect a footprint left behind by his angered nephew. He looked ahead, seeing Ala Mhigo come into focus in the distance between the trees. A face of deep fear and seriousness washed over him. The Garlean Empire had sent skirmishers throughout Eorzea and war had broken out across the land. Going so close to a Garlean city was a death wish. He needed to hurry if he were to catch his nephew in time.


Felix stumbled and rolled out of the edge of the forest, seeing the great city. It was far in the distance, but certainly too close for comfort. He hadn't realized he had come this far, and the distance he was traveling had washed, drowned in his fury. A loud siren broke the silence around him and took Felix by shock. He had been caught, and immediately turned tail back towards home. However, a Garlean patrol was already in route, and continued to follow him into the forest.

The older Hyur caught up to Felix, shaking his head.


“See? This is why you must control yourself. We need to go. We can make it back and warn your mother before they catch up. Go, Now.” The man commanded, handing Felix his pack.


Felix was taken by complete shock, never had his uncle spoken to him with such a serious tone. Arrows whizzed by, slamming into the trees around them. His uncle raised his longbow, launching arrows towards the Garleans before yelling at Felix again to run. His uncle didn't wait for Felix to run, and sprinted ahead of him. Felix broke free from his shock and trailed after his uncle but the Garleans were gaining on them.


Another haze of fog covered the forest, and was eventually shattered by a fireball blasting through towards the running Midlanders, exploding upon trees around them. Felix’s run had halted, looking around for his uncle. He ran back towards the fire and found his uncle kneeling, half-scorched and snarling at his nephew to warn his mother. More fire was blasting overhead and soon the area around them was engulfed in flames. Tears pooled in Felix’s eyes and he nodded to his uncle, handing his uncle his bow and quiver and helped him to his feet. Felix watched his uncle fight back, sending arrows towards their pursuers before running off himself. 

Although he ran much slower with two packs, he knew he could outrun them. He knew these parts of the Black Shroud better than most. 


Felix made his way back home, cloths reeking of smoke and fire, his face covered in dirt and ash.  He fell upon the porch of his house and finally crumbled. The young man cried loudly, slamming his fists upon the old wood. It wasn't long before his mother and siblings ran out in a confused panic, his mother saying something undistinguished. Felix looked up and yelled at them, almost as if he wanted to blame them. 


“Uncle stayed back. Garleans. He... He is dead!”


Felix’s mother narrowed her eyes, her face pulled serious. “We need to leave. Get your things, the lot of you.”


Felix’s older brother had left to do so before his mother even commanded, and came out of the house suited in light mail, his lance in hand. He threw packs towards Felix and scoffed at him before walking off towards the path which leads to the main road. Felix grabbed his things and reluctantly followed, his sister and mother behind with their things. 


Fog covered the area, and time around Felix seemed to move at a hastened speed. It slowed before long, and the four of them were sitting down beside a small campfire, tents scattered around. They were laughing and smiling, as much as they could anyway. 


Felix’s mother smiled, canting her head and masked a comforting look, “We’re almost at Gridania, but I have something special for you guys. Felix, why don’t you go with your brother and get something for us to eat while we prepare the surprise?” Felix was blaming himself too much to argue, and hunting might distract his mind. He went without protest and his brother followed, patting his back before trotting on ahead.


Fog began to set again, but didn't last but a moment before it was shattered. Fire and chaos rained around Felix and his brother. In moments the forest seemed to be engulfed. Where the heavens themselves against him? Felix and his brother struggled to get back to camp, but the molten rock and fire shower was relentless. Roars and cries of unknown origin filled the air. After what seemed like an eternity Felix and his brother made it back to camp and quickly began searching for their mother and sister. After an hour of searching, they still found nothing. No bones, no corpses, and the smell of burning flesh hadn't filled the air. 


Felix sprung forth from his hammock, falling out onto the soft, mossy ground. He panicked and crawled across the ground, tears pooling, his body dripping with sweat. With a expression of complete fear he looked up at the starry sky. Trying to gain his composure, hands dragged across his face and he took a few deep breaths. This nightmare was not new to him. It was part of him.



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I enjoyed it and was asking myself a couple times "Oh what happened? What happened next?" which I think is part of the mystery you wanted, eh?


Your writing is a little choppy sometimes but I think it adds more to an emotional POV feel than to a story feel.


Speaking of which.. Felix has great chops.

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I enjoyed it and was asking myself a couple times "Oh what happened? What happened next?" which I think is part of the mystery you wanted, eh?


Your writing is a little choppy sometimes but I think it adds more to an emotional POV feel than to a story feel.


Speaking of which.. Felix has great chops.

xD Thanks.


I -kinda- wrote it to be choppy because, well.. When you dream, you dream in segments usually, you know?


Like, when you wake up you wonder how you got where you were in your dream. There is a lot of missing pieces.


As I said, I'm not good at writing longer stories and making them flow nicely. Shorter it is the better quality for me usually. So I am sure that is part of it, too.

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