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The Dance [Story/OOC Comments and Critique STRONGLY Encouraged] [Song Challenge]

Tobias Nightbringer

By Tobias Nightbringer,
in Town Square (IC)

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Tobias Nightbringer

Tobias Nightbringer

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If you don't know what the Song Challenge is, please refer to this thread!

Song Challenge

 

* So now that you know the reasons of all this, I feel that there was a bit more that could be happening in the first scene during the later part of the music when I played the music and read it back. Like the music was still going at the high notes, but there was no writing to read. If that makes sense. What do you guys think?

 

When and IF you go to critique/comment, keep that in mind. How well did I keep the story in pace with the music? Does it rise and fall with the music? Are there any errors/specifics that jar you out of the immersion? Stuff like that.

 

Anyway! Please, please, PLEASE feel free to give ANY feedback, comments, and/or critique (try to avoid being TOO harsh if you can, but if you feel THAT strongly about something, I actually would be very willing to hear it!) regardless if it is specifically to the 'guidelines' or not. Without further ado, to The Dance!

 

OH! And yes, I know this is HUGE cornball stuff, but the romantic in me is screaming xD. Sooooo if you aren't much particular to the corny stuff, you probably won't enjoy this, sorry :P

 

 

 

        He stands with back turned to the base of marbled stairs, masked Lords and veiled Ladies mingle and congregate before his view. Great chiseled white pillars of smoothed stone stretch upwards, and surround a polished wooden floor in the center of a vast ballroom. The ivory walls in-lay with wide arched windows, draped with sheer white-satin curtains, as pale moonlight twinkles and spill past the pillars onto the floor. He only becomes aware of her presence as one by one, Nobles stop to look up and behind him, quiet in their gazes. The black-haired Hyur was the last to turn.

 

        She stands atop the marbled flight; an elegant white dress with a short trail, that Nymeia, the Spinner herself could be whispered to have taken to needle and thread to create such a garment. They peer behind masks that cover little less than half of their upper features. Hers, intricate with white beads, sequins, and lace. His, a simple black semi-gloss and a long thin feather that bobs at the left end. The memory of every delicate feature needing not to have her mask removed to see her face.

 

         Left hands slip into another, pieces of a puzzle complete, standing in the middle of the polished pine floor. His lips part to speak, only to be hushed by a slender finger that graces over parted lips as they instead smile, wordless. Loose and styled ringlets of flaxen-hair rest against his chest as he leads. And she follows, with tresses that spill past her shoulders, the color of freshly fallen snow become silvery as they pass between the tall single-arched windows.

 

         Dark charcoal colored eyes meet with jade green every time she gazes up at him as they glide step by step. As their dance crescendos, they separate with some reluctance, but she unfurls in an effortless pirouette as her dress billows. Their gaze never leaves as left hands grasp unyielding. She leads with a pull of his hand and he follows, though his whirl could never match her sylphlike flow.

 

         Her svelte frame against his as they pull into one another. Their eyes unwavering as they slowly twirl as one, the vision of her begins to tunnel as the rest all around him fade into but a blur. In silence, they pull what little more of themselves closer together until their foreheads press gingerly. The sweetest smile upon her lips, one that was able to change a man four dozen moons ago. A single tear slips down her cheek as lips so gently meet after eyes hesitantly lose vision of each other as they close shut.

 

Nymeia, the Spinner.

 

 

         The Hyur's eyes slowly flutter open, but not to the woman he so clearly saw moments ago. A small room with gray, rough cobble-stone walls surround the dark-haired Hyur who lies now motionless on a simple bed. Unmasked eyes shifts down to his left hand. His fingers begin to tremble in sight before his head drops back down onto the bed. Lips press together dryly as his throat feels a vice-like grip tighten and chokes at his breath. Tears barely contained as they brim along the lower curvature of eyes that close once more, hoping to see her one last time.

 

         The raven-haired Hyur sits on the gritty and hard stone windowsill as he stares out of the long rectangle window after he leaves from his scratchy bed sheets. Only a wisp of sunlight in the cloudy sky. The sweet smile upon her lips he would recall most vividly; that smile he believed to have been able to change the course of Eorzea alone. The smile that changed him so very long ago.

 

Nymeia, the Spinner—Goddess of Fate.

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Desmond Aryll

Desmond Aryll

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It was beautiful. I really enjoyed it. I read it the second time as the song played and it was even better. The song really adds to the the mood. Wonderful.

 

If I had to wring a critique out of myself (which I don't really want to :P ), it would be that the last bit might need a little more clarification. Not enough to disturb the poecy of the writing but it did take me a sec to see it was a different place.

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Tobias Nightbringer

Tobias Nightbringer

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Your descriptions are lovely and quite vivid. My only critique is that you filled it with so many lovely images that I feel like I only got a couple seconds of actual story.

 

Yeah, I was thinking it was starting to become a little stuffy in there too xD I would dare say it would be Tolkien but I am not so presumptuous to ever think I could ever be a good a writer xD As a side benefit, I am actually glad you got just a couple of seconds of actual story so to speak, but I think I do need to touch up on some clarifications.

 

Hopeless Romantics unite sir.

 

It was a wonderful read, and I liked the song choice. =)

 

Thanks! The song choice will have much more of an impact once I actually explain why I did what I did with the tag and all xD

 

It was beautiful. I really enjoyed it. I read it the second time as the song played and it was even better. The song really adds to the the mood. Wonderful.

 

If I had to wring a critique out of myself (which I don't really want to :P ), it would be that the last bit might need a little more clarification. Not enough to disturb the poecy of the writing but it did take me a sec to see it was a different place.

 

THIS! Holy balls this! xD I was REALLY not liking how I transitioned the scenes. After hearing this feedback from you and others I most DEFINITELY will need to re-write that part! 

 

 

Thank you everyone who so far have given me their input! Next, I will have to work on the thread about the [song Challenge] when work allows xD

 

Note - Updated the OOC to give a little reflection of why the music is there.

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Desmond Aryll

Desmond Aryll

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Thank you everyone who so far have given me their input! Next, I will have to work on the thread about the [song Challenge] when work allows xD

 

Note - Updated the OOC to give a little reflection of why the music is there.

 

 

I look forward to reading the Song Challenge thread when its up. You really did a great job on the imagery. Can't wait to read more.

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Tobias Nightbringer

Tobias Nightbringer

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Is... is it bad I read it in a minute and the song had 4 left to go D:

 

'Twas a lovely read. And you say you're wary about IC romance? What a tease you are, sir.

 

Haha, not at all :P Some people just read very quickly. I used to do that as well, but I was never able to speed read AND absorb everything I read 100%.

 

Annnnd I aaaaam wary xD *flail* Doesn't mean that I can't ham it up with the best of 'em though lol.

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Lament

Lament

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Is... is it bad I read it in a minute and the song had 4 left to go D:

 

'Twas a lovely read. And you say you're wary about IC romance? What a tease you are, sir.

 

Haha, not at all :P Some people just read very quickly. I used to do that as well, but I was never able to speed read AND absorb everything I read 100%.

 

Annnnd I aaaaam wary xD *flail* Doesn't mean that I can't ham it up with the best of 'em though lol.

 

Tease I say.

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Vito

Vito

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I think you have an awesome writing style. Very descriptive, yet subtle at the same time. I can see what's happening and I especially liked the ending. Not sure if you edited your story or not, but I feel like the scene transitions were just fine. I interpreted it as your character recalling fragmented moments during. 

 

For example, if we were all to look back on memories we've had, we rarely remember the whole picture. We probably only remember only a portion of what was actually happening at the moment. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but that's how I envisioned it.

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Desmond Aryll

Desmond Aryll

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I look forward to reading the Song Challenge thread when its up. You really did a great job on the imagery. Can't wait to read more.

 

The thread is now up! I probably will do some more tweaking to it, but there ya have it!

 

Also! P.S. I changed up the last part of story so I HOPE it is much more of a clear transition and flow xD

 

Nice job. The change in your word choices to something more grounded also "break the spell" of the dream we just read. The imagery breaks for the reader like it breaks for the poor soul in the infirmary. Great stuff.

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Tobias Nightbringer

Tobias Nightbringer

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Tease I say.

 

Okay maybe just a little :P

 

I think you have an awesome writing style. Very descriptive, yet subtle at the same time. I can see what's happening and I especially liked the ending. Not sure if you edited your story or not, but I feel like the scene transitions were just fine. I interpreted it as your character recalling fragmented moments during. 

 

For example, if we were all to look back on memories we've had, we rarely remember the whole picture. We probably only remember only a portion of what was actually happening at the moment. I'm not sure if that was your intention, but that's how I envisioned it.

 

Thanks so much Vito! I try to be as descriptive as possible, but I also know that I sometimes get TOOOOO detailed and that can start to bog down the story xD Sad that I lost my notepad filled with my creative writing lessons though since I can't remember a lot of what was taught >.< Short-term memory loss? Or just...sucky...brain...syndrome xD

 

Oh and yes, I had edited my story by the time you read it I believe! I have Desmond and a few others to thank for their input to change it up!

 

Nice job. The change in your word choices to something more grounded also "break the spell" of the dream we just read. The imagery breaks for the reader like it breaks for the poor soul in the infirmary. Great stuff.

 

Thanks again, Desmond! At first I wanted to try and make it subtle yet clear that the scene had changed, but after I did the revision I realize how much better it actually flows, despite the sudden 'break'.

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