A Lame Leatherbound Journal

[Yumi Natsuo]

It wasn't as if I was expecting to run into anything or anyone at the Wench on my way through that part of Limsa, I don't normally indulge in the locale myself anyways, but it would have seemed that there was other things in store for me on that night! I had run into a particular group of individuals, got wrapped up in some kind of twisted sort of drama, and managed to just duck my head out of there before my face had become too familiar to some unsavory types (I hope)!

 

It had all started out when I had run into another of my kind, another like me, a red-head who was wearing a particular set of armor that I just could not take my eyes off of! I commented on it, we engaged in a small conversation of sorts, before a male who was also just like her and I had placed himself in the conversation. He had the face of a delinquent, a real criminal, but his tone of voice and the softness of his eyes made me realize that he didn't seem all that bad on the inside! Who would have thought the three of us would have carried on laughing like idiots in the middle of that dumb tavern like mad cats?

 

How much time had come to pass in that conversation, I wonder? It had seemed to go on for forever and yet not too long at all before another interesting individual had inserted himself into the conversation. A bespectacled person had his own input to give to us, which he happened to share with no qualms about it at all, but it wasn't too long before he was taken from the conversation by two of those "unsavory" types that I mentioned not too long ago! It was totally suspicious, it was really awkward and strange, and it just didn't sit right with me at all. I couldn't help but ask out loud if this person was going to be all right! I mean, I didn't know why in the world I even cared about him anyways or what was to happen to him since I only just met him for a brief moment! The company that I held, however, had concocted a very malicious plan where we would follow the cast and see what all would come out of their meeting in the event that something dangerous was about to transpire to the seemingly helpless bespectacled stranger.

 

And so we followed them, kept our distance, all the way into the Bismarck just on the opposite side of the platform we were on. It was inside of the kitchen that the delinquent looking male had come up with the grand idea that we would get in close to the conversation that the unsavory crowd was having by sitting at a nearby table under the shroud of a facade. It sounded like a great idea to me, I was - for whatever reason - concerned about the safety of that bespectacled man and what was to come! The "great idea" that I thought it was dropped to the floor with my astonishment when the delinquent-looking male had told me that we would appear as an engaged couple from Ul'dah out celebrating something "big." Had my face turned red from when I heard his words? It felt as if I was fuming out of my ears from embarrassment and anger at the same time! How dare he even say such things so casually!?

 

[align=justify]Alas, I stomached my pride and had decided to go through with the plan in the end. We sat down at the table and engaged in a merry conversation that made me ultimately sick to my stomach. The words flowed from my mouth without fail but all I could do to keep myself from laughing out loud was to keep a straight face all the while! There came a time in the conversation when I had found it had become easy to "play along" with this delinquent-esque individual, the words feeling not so hard or heavy to let out of my throat. I had found my eyes dropping to my feet in something between embarrassment and an emotion that I'm not able to put into words. Something dark had come over me, something that didn't sit right with me, and a stinging pain happened to build up inside of my chest.

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[align=justify]There was no time to let those emotions linger and thankfully-not-thankfully a strange tall individual approached our table. He had seen through our ruse, having known the delinquent that was sitting opposite of me. He had reminded me of a tall dead tree, a creepy haunting sort of stature, and when he had turned to look at me I had a difficult time to stay seated and not prepared for a fight! Alas, I casually excused myself from the table in-character of our facade and gave my partner-in-crime one last stern look - hoping he had got the message - before I walked off to an inn to rest my head and my eyes for the night from the frustration. We hadn't learned anything about the bespectacled man or his unsavory crowd. Or had we? Tch...

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I wonder if everything turned out all right?

I wonder what it was they had talked about?

I wonder if that dumb idiot is all right...

[Yumi Natsuo]

Have I ever met an individual as tenacious as the one who has been finding me in the most random of locations? I have to admit that I cannot recall a time in the recent past, since I had met the individual, that I had not had had some time engaged with his presence. Could one chalk it up to fate or perhaps it is something more in control than I'd imagine? It wouldn't be hard to fathom that a criminal such as himself would have hired thugs tailing my every move, giving him my location whenever it changes. It is all too convenient for him to keep running into me no matter where it is I end up. I have to ask myself, though, is it such a bad thing? It isn't like is company is all so terrible, it isn't as if he is hard to be around, but perhaps that in itself is the underlying problem in itself?

 

It isn't too difficult to tell that his man is interested in me, for one reason or another, he makes his intentions very clear even though he hides behinds facades and jokes often. He makes every attempt and takes every opportunity to do his best to uncover what there is to get to know about me on a personal level. Why? Maybe I shouldn't ask because I already know the answer to it even though I wish I hadn't. I would be lying if I said it wasn't fun, being around his company, but his relentless questions and attempts to try and dig into me and learn more about me can become overbearing sometimes. He is one of the more familiar faces to me, someone whom I can't say that I dislike to be around entirely. I can stomach his presence for some time, I enjoy the meals we have together and the conversations that we have to some extent. I would call him an acquaintance, a friend even, despite him being such a louse and a criminal to boot!

 

I recall fondly on the last dinner that him and I had, a delicious Marmot feast with fish and chips on the side. He had paid for it not only with his money but with his company as well, I couldn't remember the last time that I had ate so well! I even had a side of entertainment to go with such an exquisite meal on his behalf when a female acquaintance of his approached him asking for gil! I couldn't help but break out in laughter, the interactions between the two of them was just too much for me at that point. The two of them seemed to fit well together, a lot better than him and I seemed sitting at a table with one another. The criminal swears up and down that his female acquaintance was a nuisance and my claims of her being his girlfriend were immediately shot down every time I had called her as such. Their relationship is unclear to me despite the different scenarios he had laid out to me, I'm unsure of what to really make out between the two of them, not that it should matter to me in the least. The female seems to know plenty of personal details, her actions leading me to believe that the two of them are or were a lot closer to one another than the delinquent would like to make it out to seem. That had to be so awkward for him, poor thing, if only I could have read the thoughts that were probably racing through his mind at the time.

 

All good things come to an end, the feast that I was presented had been consumed and I had to call an end to the night that him and I had shared together. I was more saddened about the lack of food before me rather than having to leave my company as he seemed to be. I did my best to deter him from walking me to my place at the local inn but he just would not take "no" for an answer. He is quite the barbarian, I must admit, should I have been surprised? As the two of us walked forward through the night, under the beautiful starry night sky, I found myself recalling our conversation in a way that made me sick to my stomach. I had found myself attempting to stop the smile that had been forming on my lips, slowing down the beating of my beating heart when I thought of the way I had responded to some of his more intimate questions. There is no way that he will ever get through to the answers that he is looking for, I'm not going to share nothing about myself or my past or the things that he wishes to know. Why does it matter? Why can't he take a hint? I'm only here for one thing, and in the end it won't matter what my age is or what kind of things that I like.

 

I'm but a fleeting existence, much like the Marmot I had feasted on for dinner.

Not much unlike it and the life that it had, only perhaps a bit more complicated.

The two of us share the same fate at the end of our roads, one way or another.

[Yumi Natsuo]

There was a day that was not unlike any other day where I had found myself sitting on one of the many railings of one of the many platforms in Limsa that hung over the beautiful deep ocean below. I remember the way that my eyes had scanned the surface trying to look for breaks in the waves to see as far down into the unknown as I possibly could. All that welcomed me was darkness, an unclear picture of the things that remain and exist in the depths of such a vast body of water. I wonder how long I had been sitting there reflecting on such matters before I began to question if I was subconsciously reflecting on my own self?

 

If there is anything that I had learned during my short and violent life it is that there is no such thing as a coincidence in this world. There are far too many factors, far too many entities in the world, for anything to happen simply because. There was a time when I did not believe in such things as fate or a predestined future, words like that simply had made me laugh! The truth of the matter - and I know this all too well - is that they do exist in this life. The road that we are meant to travel is always traveled by us, one way or another, and it is difficult to stray from the path that has been laid out before you to walk. I am not a lamb to be guided along by a shepard, I am not some weak and helpless animal that needs to be leashed and domesticated to survive. I am not going to succumb to the truth of this world and let my feet travel in a direction I don't want them to go. I will fight it, I will fight the entire world and the nature of things if I  have to, my resolve will be far too clean and honed for fate and predestined future to control.

 

I will be damned until the day that I die if I ever let myself listen to the words of another or let myself be taken care of by another individual! I am not some weak and little kitten that cannot defend or think for themselves, I am not incapable of making my own conscious decisions or understand the risks that I take on a daily basis. I do not need my hand held, I do not need to be babied, I do not need any advice, and I definitely do not need someone else in my life. I'm not looking for something so trivial from someone, weak emotions such as those will not help me in the slightest! All those emotions ever do is bog you down, make you weak, turn you into some sad and pathetic creature that isn't even a shadow of your former self. I have seen what a sensitive heart can do to a strong person with my own two eyes, I have seen the kind of misery and kind of weakness that comes from opening yourself up to another, and I am far too smart and keen on such matters to throw myself into such a hell.