Poe's journey (Poe Lhyzeal's Journal)

[Poe]

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I awoke today…my head wasn’t hurting like I thought it would on the two glasses of wine. Either everyone was asleep or had left, the ship was quiet. I packed some belongings. I need time away from the ship and Rose offered to let me stay with her in Ul’dah. I received a note as I was headed off the ship down the docks. From Davin of all people.

 

He told me he had gotten into a bit of a bind and could use the help of a charming female. Typical…I am not some lap dog he gets to call when he needs help. But I love Relan like he was my own father, so I went. It’s the second time I have sprung someone from jail this week. The same guard was there and rolled her eyes when she saw me. No song and dance this time. I simply paid his fines and he was released.

 

He swept me up and planted a kiss on my cheek. A few years ago I would have melted, but now…Regardless, he was caught lifting coin pouches off of patrons down at the bar. It’s odd, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had stayed wrapped up in the idea of him. I let him know I was doing this because poor Relan would be furious if he knew. I am sure Relan does know, but no need to include him in Davin’s foolish antics.

 

A glass of mead and a cigar later, Davin and I were caught up. He has been running with a crew, nothing big but it keeps his belly full and a place to sleep at night. He joked of enjoying a new wench every night. Pig…what did I see in him years ago? But his new line of work could be helpful. He mentioned his crew might need some help soon enough. I told him I would consider it.

 

My priorities lay with those I love and care about. I need to contact Carter, I need to know Lina is safe. And then we need to get rid of the awful voidsent and get Rose back to normal. I want to make sure Keldion is ok too. Rose said he was being odd…almost nice. I told her she should go to dinner with him last night. She seemed unsure about the timing. And S’anhu? I haven’t said anything, but I can sense he isn’t speaking all his thoughts. Sadness perhaps? I don’t know, he won’t talk to me about it. I guess he has who he needs to talk to…

[Poe]

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S’anhu found me on the ship. I was busy preparing for what lay ahead. I was surprised, he asked me to come along with him to the guild. I should have declined, my grip on my emotions were slipping. But how could I tell him I was mess, that I would be helpful?

 

So I said nothing and we went to the guild. And I lost my cool…S’anhu even pointed that out. He ended up doing most of the talking, even though the Lalafell had spoken to me once or twice. Just seeing that Lalafell’s face, my anger was boiling up inside me. I just…I was ready to be hasty and ruin the whole thing. We learned we could expel Shura from Ace if Shura thought Ace wouldn’t make it. Trap her in some special crystal. We almost left without getting information about that. Thankfully S’anhu wasn’t as hotheaded as I was being. I tried…weakly to explain why I was having these outbursts; that I had lost too many already and I couldn’t lose Ace as well. I doubt I made much sense and S’anhu must think I am completely incompetent now under pressure.

 

I had to make it up somehow, but S’anhu clearly thought he should go get the crystal…and what? I would sit by and continue to not be helpful? I promised Ace, I couldn’t do that. So I insisted I go get the crystal. I don’t want to be at odds with S’anhu, but I can tell he doesn’t think I can handle this.

 

It was a short trek out to where we had been told to get the crystal. It was weird, the glow of the crystals jutting up out of the ground. The wind was whipping loudly in my ears. I am not sure if I just freaked myself out…I felt like someone or something was watching. I had checked the area, even stopped to briefly, focusing on sensing other’s emotional charge in the aether flow. Bad idea, the very energy of the crystals overwhelmed me. My head is still pulsing with it, though the pain has subsided. Lan-I-Mata had told me until I had fully grasped the power and could use it with ease, pain would continue to be part of it. Regardless, I have the crystal.

 

I tucked it away safe, it will be ready when we go to Ace….well, not me. Stupid aether…I can’t even be there when this happens for fear of Shura jumping to me. I decided to head off to bed, running into Keldion. I remembered what Rose had said, he was being unusually nice. I suppose she was right. Keldion asked me how Daevien was….how was I supposed to answer that? I just told him Daevien had business in Gridania and would be back soon. Keldion…did not push, though I am sure he knew there was a bit more. He simply offered his assistance if I needed anything. You know what…it seemed like he truly meant it….

[Poe]

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There is an exhaustion evident in the handwriting.

 

And it is done. Not quite as we expected…and plenty need to rest and heal now, but we have done it. Shura is gone…and Malthe, who knew….In time, I hope Rose can heal from this as well. I have so many I need to check on, but this exhaustion…Ami, I need to make sure she is ok after Malthe attacked her. I am sure Woozy patched her up, I just want Ami to know we could not have done this without her. And Saefinn, Ryillin…they were another reason. And S’anhu…killed again. I saw his face as he left…Gods, I hope he is ok. I need to make sure he is ok.

 

Ace, Ace. You are safe now. I wanted to go and help heal him, but Lina’s protective embrace over him clearly stated stand back. So I tended to the others. And then Rose…she was in such pain. I was able to sense her rage, her bloodlust…called over the pearl for Ryillin to come help me talk her down. Ace and Lina arrived shortly after hearing me speak over the pearl. Rose went after Ace…and then Ace said it. He loves her…I was shocked, I mean, I guess I always knew that but I never thought he would say it. Rose started crying, I held her. She was there for me in my pain, I was going to be there for her in her hour of need. And then, her energy…I rather liked those boots. I didn’t get embarrassed about our lack of true clothing until Ryillin and I helped Rose over to Ace and Lina so Rose could speak. And then…yup, there I was in my underwear…how humiliating. Rose knows how shy I was about being in a bikini and suddenly, this just seemed a lot worse.

 

I started to feel awkward, well more so than I already was feeling. Ace and Rose were trying to have a conversation and I didn’t want to overhear any of it. Lina…she ran off, her heart, I can only imagine what she is going through. She loves Ace…and Ace loves Rose. And there I sat nervously with Ryillin, both of us…awkwardly in little but the last remnants of clothing. He jokingly said I had picked out nice ones at least. And my mind was just stunned. Were expressions of love always like this? In this dramatic…unhappy fashion? Ryillin looked surprised I had never heard someone express their love for another. Anyways…

 

I started to worry about S’ahnu…his expression is still haunting me. Ry teleported us back to the ship. Ace and Rose needed some rest…it had been a long, demanding day. Ry and I went up on deck and had a glass of wine. Sitting in the moonlight, there was something calming about it. It is true I have spent much time in the daylight. Perhaps this also has impacted me. The drain I have felt as of late. He sensed I was tired though and sent me off to bed.

 

My eyes now are closing…I hope to find more answers in my dreams…

[Poe]

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I have started planning for the party. I wanted to get a jump start, I know Ami needs to rest and I didn’t want to overwhelm her with every detail. Last night seemed like as good a time as any to start. The ship was quiet, the pearl was quiet. Am I being selfish? For wanting…trying to make things better for everyone? There is this pain, so many broken hearts from what has occurred.

 

But like I explained to Ryillin, the party was supposed to be for selling the amulet. I feel like we have so many more things to celebrate now, in addition. Ace and Rose are safe….are free. And Lina, her broken heart, may Menphina mend it for her. I felt foolish, but I prayed for her last night, her and S’anhu. I prayed to Menphina that she would heal Lina’s heart first, that Lina needed this. I feel helpless, knowing what she is going through. And then I begged Menphina to restore S’anhu’s heart as well; that if she could mend them I would carry the burden on their hearts.

 

I don’t know if Menphina heard my pleas….I can only wait and see.

 

Ryillin found me on deck going over my lists. It was nice to have someone to converse with, no pressure or anything to worry about. I spoke to him about entertainment. He is right…If we have dancers I need to make sure the dancers are something all would enjoy. I didn’t know Ryillin enjoyed cooking. He offered to take care of that part, he will get me a list soon and I promised fresh ingredients. Even if I have to travel around myself, I will make sure he has everything he will need. He has surprised me…or perhaps it’s my surprise in talking with another keeper. He reminded me that any male would be lucky to have me claim them as my own…. Claim? I so often ignore, overlook the fact that if I were still with my family, I would have a choice such as that. To choose a male? But…I can’t just choose like that. I must be far too emotional to make it a simple thing as finding a male; I would want them to love me back….I am trying to push any thoughts of anything like that far from my mind. I have seen what emotions, feelings have done to those I care about. I know how they have made me feel.

 

I am tired of feeling bad, perhaps just tired of feeling. I know it’s sad…

[Poe]

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The handwriting appears more fluid, perhaps some ease has come over the writer…

 

They talked…not sure if for better or worse. The whole situation…My head is still spinning actually. I returned from seeing Lan-I-Mata. She seemed disappointed I had not gotten further with my training. But…I guess I got a small compliment. She said I had made a little progress. She packed me up some herbs and told me to go and find a quiet, safe place and enjoy tea. I tucked the items away and headed to Limsa, figured I could stay at Relan’s. I would have asked Rose to make sure I was ok, but she has had enough going on.

 

But…I didn’t get to Relan’s. Feeling a bit misty from memories I wandered out to the point. And ran into a few. Ry was on top of his game, already had a list of ingredients for me for the party. Ace and his sister were there and S’anhu. I spoke with his sister and will be getting flower arrangements for the party. I wonder if I am trying too hard to make this party fun?

 

And then…it got awkward, Lina showed up. Ace went to speak with her, he needed to and I understand that. I am not sure anything got figured out though. Rose called over the pearl and I headed off to meet her. I was worried how she was doing.

 

On my walk over, I had to pass S’anhu and Lina. And S’anhu…I wanted to go to Lina and give her a hug. I mean, I understand, I really do. But S’anhu…he stopped talking. He clearly didn’t want me to hear their discussion and then it was just awkward. I wish I knew what I did. He seems unhappy with me lately, won’t really talk to me. And I miss him…

 

And since…yeah, I headed to meet Rose. We hugged and she ended up spilling her confusions and worries. I tried to give her the best advice I could…to be honest. We walked back to the point. Saw S’anhu and Lina again…I don’t think Rose is aware of Lina’s feelings for Ace.

 

When we finally approached Ry and Ace speaking at the point, well, it was a….interesting conversation we came upon. Ry mentioned something about reading a lot…and then he said no females around here were interesting. Rose heard it too and commented. It got me thinking, what makes anyone interesting? I don’t understand what it is that causes us to sometimes pause longer with some more than others. Or to pause at all?

 

Ry and I gave Ace and Rose space, moving away to chat. We discussed plans for the party. I…I was nosy. It’s a horrible trait, but I was so curious. I asked him about reading…but he must have caught on, asking me if I had heard what he said. Of course, I tried to smooth it over…and then he said he was a loser!? I don’t understand. I mean, he doesn’t come off abrasive like some of the males. If anything…he just seems, maybe it’s insecure. He commented he didn’t let his emotions show because that way he was less likely to be hurt. I almost frowned…I dunno, maybe I even did visibly. And he surprised me by asking if having those feelings were worth it. Part of me wonders myself sometimes…but the heartache is worth the happy moments. And even when it hurts…it will fade and one is left with sweet memories.

 

And then his question…were Dae and I…were we happiness for each other? I like to think yes, for the time we spent together. And I made it clear to Ry, it doesn’t mean it’s forever, things change…I never did give him an answer about Dae. He is curious about emotions…I should warn him I am the worst to ask this stuff about. Ace said good night and Rose stopped over. Ry said he had studying to do, he seems dedicated, busy. Too busy for silly things like emotions.

 

I followed Rose back to her place so I could stay. I am lucky to have a good friend, she has been there for me through all of this. I appreciate it so much. After a good night’s rest, I went about starting to gather the items Ry needs for the party. I was surprised when I checked in the innkeeper, I had a note.

 

It was from S’anhu. He wants to talk? I mean, I want to talk. And he said in his note he wanted to say he was sorry. Sorry?! Sorry for what? I have obviously done something and ruined a friendship. Not sure why he has to apologize. I quickly sent a note back. Yes! Yes, I want to speak with him. To apologize. For so much really, but first for being an emotional wreck. I know he has a pure heart and really wants what is best for everyone. And so don’t I…so why does it feel like we can’t get along?

[Poe]

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A simple flow with the writing. Small sketches of recognizable faces of the crew members fill the border of the writing.

 

I decided against drinking the tea this evening. I was actually going from stall to stall, speaking with vendors and setting up delivery of ingredients Ry needs. I found a beautiful leather journal and quickly purchased it. I don’t need a new one, but I had been thinking after speaking with Rose…isn’t this journal where I start to figure things out before I speak to someone else? Maybe it would help her as well. I remember her confusion, unsure what to do…. I hope she would be interested. I even asked the leatherworker to burn the image of a small rose in the corner of the front leather cover.

 

I brought the journal back to her room I am crashing at. Tucked it away, I can surprise her with it soon enough. Then I heard S’anhu call me over the pearl. He wanted to know if I had time for that talk. That’s when I decided not to drink the tea…probably a good thing too.

 

I rushed out to the point to see him, he awkwardly said hi and I rushed over apologizing, I just wanted to give him a hug. I swear I have seen sadness and torment in those eyes of his…but he moved away before I could hug him, answering the pearl. Ryillin, Carter, Keldion, S’anhu…the banter, more important.

 

I turned to notice Lina had approached and went over, hugged her….I…I didn’t have a family who hugged. And, isn’t that affection, that contact important? It’s another way to show you care, right? She seemed a bit awkward about it. I asked how she was….I doubt she was honest, her energy felt colder than I expected.

 

S’anhu walked away….I wanted to speak to him so we followed him over to the point. I was trying to explain we were all important, we were all useful…I don’t think S’anhu believes me, even though Lina nodded her head in agreement….So I brought up the party, wanted to find something to brighten the conversation….what a bust. Keldion showed up and it turned into a discussion about the drinking and whether that was a good time. How horrible, I just wanted some casual, fun banter…I can only think of the pain…Lina left quickly. I remember a time when I would have been able to make someone, anyone feel better.

 

And then Keldion said he was worried about me. About me?! I guess, yeah, I had to acknowledge I haven’t been my usual cheerful self. But, in my defense…how can I be cheerful when everyone around me is hurting?! Even my weak attempts barely crack a forced smile from my friends these days…S’anhu left…I asked him if we could talk soon. We never seem to be able to speak, timing is never right.

 

I know I was prying when I asked Keldion how he was…my small outburst. I am just tired of everyone walking around not saying what they are thinking and feeling. And then he started to open up. Rose was right….I didn’t expect this from Keldion. After a few sips from his flask, me blurting out that Daevien never said how he felt, so it made this all easier….I sent myself back to the inn. I haven’t gone up to Rose’s room yet. Been sitting at the table downstairs, smoking a cigar and watching the locals. I have tried…with poor results to check on just about everyone. I just want to see how Ace is…I mean, I saw him the other night…but he had a lot to deal with…

 

The bottom of the page has a simple heart drawn, smudged.

[Poe]

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The writing appears a bit sloppy, clearly the writer has a few drinks. Blots of ink are scattered about the page, some smudging. Obvious the author wanted to get everything out in a hurry…

 

Honey wheat beer….oh my head spins. What an…odd night? It started off simple enough. I had Rose’s gift, the journal. I wanted to give it to her. I met quickly with Relan, he thanked me for bailing Davin out. Told him it was fine. Old man brought me some fine smoke he had imported over. After a thick cigar of that, I caved and started drinking. I just don’t want to feel pain anymore…I would rather be numb…

 

Got a call over the pearl, I ended up telling everyone I was at the Missing Member. I didn’t expect it to turn into such a gathering….though I am thankful in a way. Ace showed up, we started discussing flower ideas, Ryillin arrived and there was a bit of banter about romance. I don’t know much about romance, but I think as long as it is evident someone is trying….isn’t that romantic enough?

 

Ruhan, Rose, Ami, S’anhu…they all arrived. The details are still a bit fuzzy in my head. Ruhan had this book, a book I am not so sure he should have. I was trying to discuss details of drinks Ami had brought over…and suddenly Ruhan and Ry! The fight. S’anhu and Rose jumped to help and I quickly dragged Ami outside. Ace had already grabbed Ry, helping him out of the way.

 

And Ry - stubborn! His jaw had been broken along with his wrist. I didn’t want to heal his jaw first in fear the fight would escalate again from words. Ry insisted, but by the time I mended him Ace had already cast sleep over Ruhan. Poor Ami, you should have seen her eyes…much like how I looked, I am sure. I quickly hugged her. This crew…this is my family. Perhaps everything that has happened recently….I don’t want any of them to wonder if I cared for them. I need them to know I do…and they need to every day.

 

I was going to check on Ry and then Rose, yelling about his back. Stubborn man! The spikes from his staff had gone into his back when thrown through the doors. ((Or against the doors…who knows with those magical things ^^)) I did my best to patch him quickly. He seemed….irritated. I know he had just been attacked, but…. His robe will likely be ruined. He seemed ok with me trying to patch him up though.

 

Then Ruhan rushed Ry again once Ruhan woke up. I did the only thing that came to mind, get between him and Ry. But Ruhan surprised me…offered an apology. He headed off, though I was convinced he was not feeling one hundred percent. He seemed upset by what happened still…or ashamed? I am not sure.

 

Ace pulled me aside to speak. He seemed to suggest I don’t react when S’anhu is having a hard time. I told Ace I would keep my smile on my face. And then…well, Ace asked about how to make things up to Rose. Flowers, chocolates? I had to think about it, but you see….Rose doesn’t want to be treated like she is breakable. She seems wary of polite mannerisms some men offer women. So I started thinking about adventure. Suggested they take a trip some where. Ace didn’t seem so sure, but I insisted and I still think I am right. Rose only knows that they can argue…but what if they didn’t for just a bit? I think Rose would see the wonderful side of Ace the rest of us do. Ry came out, passing by again. Off to do more studying. He needs to learn to have some fun…but after his injuries I didn’t expect he would go study….stubborn.

 

Ace and I went back in and I started ordering drinks of the Honey wheat beer. Gross, thick and strong. Had plenty of bottles delivered to the table. S’anhu and Ami were drinking heavily. Even Rose enjoyed some. Ace tried to stop S’anhu from drinking so much. I don’t recall it all…I was so warm inside, at some peace. I gave Rose her journal…I was so happy and she seemed surprised by the gift. Maybe she has never written stuff down before. S’anhu had marched out to the balcony at this point and I had to hide my frown. I worry about him, a lot actually.

 

I told Rose I would be back to the room shortly. Ace was trying to make sure Ami would be ok and Ami wandered off. Did you know she sometimes sleeps in trees? I am rather impressed, I have slept in a tree or two myself, didn’t expect it from a Seeker though.

 

Oh! Speaking of Keepers and Seekers. Stupid huntress….reminded me so much of Mota, the belittling talk. I refused to even acknowledge this female.

 

I went out to see S’anhu, Ace passing me and saying he was all mine. But I had heard what S’anhu said as I walked out…didn’t seem he wanted company or anyone around. He smiled at me…was that a ‘see, I told you’ smile? I backpeddled, wasn’t going to drink anymore but went to the bar. Asked for a mixed drink, something strong. S’anhu confuses me, one moment I think we will talk and the next I hear him saying these things…

 

I heard Keldion over the pearl…and echoing off the wall. Kel was here?! Snuck by me while I was at the bar. I went out and Keldion was trying to get S’anhu to stand up. Kel announced he was headed back to the Den. I probably would have followed but I needed to make sure S’anhu was ok.

 

S’anhu did surprise me, moved to lean against the stone wall. I was worried he would have fallen through the rope railing. Kel left. This night was turning into a huge mess. I decided to not give S’anhu the option, planting myself in front of him and sitting. The alcohol was pulsing through my veins. How can one feel so warm and fuzzy but confused? Tried to speak, he seemed so hurt? Shut down maybe? I grabbed him. I didn’t ask if I could hug him and part of me is worried. I feel at ease hugging females…and I hug Ace, cause it’s Ace. But was it ok to hug S’anhu? But he was warm, he held me tightly for a moment. I swear I could almost feel his heart beat. I guess it made me skittish and I pulled back. Something in his expression. I wanted to comfort him. I grabbed one of his hands with mine, to let him know I was there. His hand?! He seemed to freeze and I let his hand go. What happened, S’anhu? I couldn’t even ask, I felt for a brief moment we had some simple understanding and I wasn’t going to mess that up by asking what had happened to his hand. I realized how drunk I was…how much I had needed that hug and I couldn’t say that, I knew I would be foolish if I stayed any longer. I quickly pulled back, got ready to leave. And I told him I was happy he is just the way he is. Ridiculous, I don’t even know why I was talking at this point. I needed space, what was going on?

 

I rushed here to the inn. I had to write this down, I don’t want to forget any of it and if I slept first…I would have….

[Poe]

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The writing is a bit wobbly and hesitant

 

My head…I should have known better. The sun coming in the windows in Rose’s rented room. Oh Gods. I immediately reached for my journal, it was splayed out, open on the floor where I apparently dropped it when I got into her room. I have re-read the entry several times.

 

I…I am worried. Was I rude to anyone? Did I tell Ryillin he was stubborn to his face? Did I yell at Ruhan? Did I really think through the advice to Ace? Did Rose really like her gift?

 

Did…did I say or do anything foolish around S’anhu? Much of the night feels hazy, like a dream. Oddly I could have sworn I could still smell S’anhu…maybe the hug? I apparently just curled up still dressed in the clothes I was wearing…I suppose it’s better than waking up naked on the beach or something.

 

Which brings me to my next thought. I remember jabbering about going fishing when Ace was trying to ask Rose to go away with him for a bit. Ami said I should do it. I guess a trip fishing would be a good thing, time to clear my head. Figure out what the hell I am doing! I am a bit nervous to face the others, I hope I kept my wits about me. I hope I didn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable…

 

I will pack shortly and go to Costa. An overnight or two at the beach would be good. I can stay out of trouble there…

[Poe]

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The writing looks hurried…

 

Decided to hold off on going to Costa until this upcoming evening. Kind of glad I decided that, as I ran into Ryillin and S’anhu at the Drowning Wench. I tried to not be nervous, I don’t remember all my behavior from last night. Ry did tease me..Gods, I hope it was teasing. He dropped a hint that he heard me call him ‘stubborn’. I..I had to apologize, how humiliating! I did actually say it to him.

 

S’anhu arrived after and I snagged us some food. My stomach needed it. And then the topic turned to Ruhan and his plans. I could feel the worry start to fill me again. Ry explained that if Ruhan does go through with this, it could significantly impact what we know now. The outcomes….we could all be different, not know each other…or not even be here.

 

I was tempted to go start drinking. Lan-I-Mata would disapprove. I think…I think I am just overwhelmed. I don’t want to let anyone down, I want to make sure my friends - MY friends are all ok. I guess I haven’t been doing a great job at making sure I am ok so I can be there for them. So I grabbed some hot tea instead. There will be plenty of time to relax in the next few days.

 

I told Ry and S’anhu I was going to go to Costa. I just didn’t want anyone to worry. They surprised me actually…asked me what I was going to do there. What am I going to do there?

 

Fuck…I am getting into my bathing suit, eating a bowl of cherries, catch some fish in the moonlight and drink the tea Lan-I-Mata gave me. I should warn them, but hopefully they don’t notice…

 

I have written a few notes to send off before I head out. One for Rose, inviting her to Costa. The sun, fishing, laughing. I bet she could use it. Another to Ami, I wasn’t sure if she heard about the party at the hot springs in a few nights. She seemed to have such a good time the other night, I want to offer her another chance to spend some time. And…well lastly to S’anhu. He said he would be busy and wouldn’t be able to come to Costa. I am sure I know what that is about. I should have mentioned he could…he should bring Kora to Costa…I am sure he wants her there…

[Poe]

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Sloppy writing fills the page, rather large print…

 

Well…I uttered it out loud to someone other than Rose. Ryillin asked. I feel like I was straight forward enough. Like Relan said, I am starting to feel alive… Maybe I am just starting to feel. Some nice compliments…some foolish behavior on my part…

 

Was still nice to see everyone…to see their smiles…

I apparently wanted to leave a quick thought last evening. I have woken now, the sun is high in the sky but I placed my hammock in the shade. Just laying here, swinging with the breeze. Trying to remember everything last evening. The smiles, it seemed a general lighter mood. Was nice to see us all be able to. Cy is a pleasant one to be around. And Sae…his choice of swimwear, a confident one indeed. Ryillin even loosened up! And I was glad to see Cao come join us for some fun. And everyone liked the drinks, Sour Cheriade! I must have eaten a ton of cherries…

 

S’anhu arrived…he seemed busy talking to others. I only got to talk to him a moment but my stupid drunk choices, yup, made him, well I made him feel horrified I am pretty sure. Should have seen his face. I will remember to not make small talk when drunk like last night.

 

Ami showed up, she didn’t look too good. Then her, Cao and Rose went off to talk. Glad to see everyone was enjoying themselves and talking. Ry decided he would go try out his new spell. I asked Cy if she wanted to go watch. S’anhu got up as if he was going to come with us. Cy declined…so S’anhu decided he didn’t want to come either. I realize now he doesn’t even want to be around me alone. Why was I so stupid earlier?

 

Wandered down to see Ry. He managed to cut his chest all open. I informed him ‘reckless’ was another trait. He kindly laughed it off I think. I patched him up, invited him to the hot springs too! He made me blush…I didn’t expect his comment…well, compliment? I think it was a compliment…I took it that way.

[Poe]

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Packed up my belongings from Costa. I will attend the hot springs tonight before I head out to train with the Lan-I-Mata for a bit. Things have slowed down and now seems like a good time to take some time away. Of course I will be back in time for the party I have planned. I left detailed orders with Relan. He will follow-up with the merchants. Ami and I are clear on the drinks. Hopefully Ace passed the flower order along and will be back in time for the party to deliver.

 

I will miss Rose, but I will be sure to send her a letter or two. I will let her know as well this evening that I will be off for a bit. Ace is away…I would probably talk to him about my confusion with S’anhu. But Ace isn’t here and well…after last night. Yup, cemented it for me.

 

I ordered a crate of cherries to bring with me tonight. My cigars are all rolled. Here is to a fun evening before a few intense days of training. My head already hurts thinking of it.

[Poe]

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The social gathering was…as much of a success as I had hoped. I ran into Lina as soon as I arrived, noticed Ace but said nothing at the time. Lina and I chatted, heading towards the bar. Rose and Ryillin found us after I let Rose know over the pearl. The bartender was great, made me some Sour Cheriade and I went out in search of Ace. I feel bad…I sorta disappeared on Rose but I wanted to find Ace first, see how he was before I called Rose over.

 

Sure enough, found him relaxing in the hot springs above. Covered in bruises…but he says training is going well. I did let everyone know Ace was there on the pearl, I was just so excited to see him! He seems, well…calmer. He took a cigar I offered, then…. I sort of spilled my guts. But he talked some sense into me. Everyone is an adult and they will do what they want. So I am just sitting back and letting it unfold. I think the training, practicing shutting of the emotional ties to the aether…should help with this. Being able to shut off emotionally might be the only way for me to manage my emotions. Lan-I-Mata already told me it would be my biggest struggle.

 

Anyway, Ry showed up. Guess he saw Ace earlier and didn’t say anything. The three of us chatted until Rose showed up. Rose and I went to change…I felt awkward trying to walk by where Lina and S’anhu sat talking. But thankfully no acknowledgements were made. Once in our suits, Rose and I met back up with the guys, sitting in the water and relaxing. Rose and Ry went over to talk to Lina and S’anhu, but they didn’t come back with them. I knew immediately. Of course I did, S’anhu avoided me last night and he was doing it again. I guess I started to feel kinda crappy then. Ace offered me a hug and I remembered what he said. Kept it going through my head. I knew I needed to go then. The sooner I get to training the better. Rose and I chatted briefly, made plans for me to return to her place when I got back from Fallgourd. I also was able to give Ami the tea she had inquired about. I didn’t want her to think I forgot.

 

I was going to go say goodbye to Ace but he was off talking to S’anhu. But Ace knew about my training, so I am not worried. I headed off, running into Ry as I was preparing to depart. He told me further details about his trial. This is it, black mage or death…I was going to argue with him, concerned for his safety, my mind flooded with what Ace experienced. But again, Ace’s words. So I didn’t argue, simply requested he send me notice after that he is ok. Perhaps it’s cheating a little, but I need to know if someone gets hurt. He offered one better, he would come see me at Fallgourd if it did not interfere with training. I know Lan-I-Mata gives me the day off after a day of training and work using the special tea. I have been able to see others then, talk with them. Hell, I even went to the fighting ring like that. So, at least I can confirm he is ok and properly healed if needed….

 

Iyber has rested long enough, poor Chocobo has run for immense stretches, but I wish to be to the town by dawn.

 

A simple heart is drawn at the end of the entry.

[Poe]

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Some solace, this journaling has become. So much to think about, re-examine truly. Iyber and I got to Fallgourd as the sun started peaking out behind the mountains. I stabled the tired beast and went immediately to the inn. I had a quick delivery of herbs to make there, the innkeeper wanted to discuss with me again about expanding my trade. I simply declined, not wanting to get into it.

 

Part of me feels bad though, if I did expand, Rose and I, we could afford a whole apartment. But…stepping on the toes of Sula, my mother. That is something I want to avoid. I know full well Mota must be poking around for her. So I am treading lightly, my meager trade is enough to take care of my basic needs, a simple life truly.

 

Lan-I-Mata was waiting for me in the inn as well. She greeted me with a small nod and silently strode out of the inn. I rushed to catch up and I could hear her sputtering as I approached. The youthful being finally turned and stared at me, “So eager to follow your heart…again you have been pained.” I hated hearing those words. And then Ry’s comment from the previous night. Perhaps my problem is falling for Sunwalkers.

 

I considered denying it for a moment. But her look and Ace’s words fresh in my mind, I simply nodded. Lan-I-Mata did not speak for several minutes. Flustered, I blurted out, “It does not matter. So I care for someone who does not feel the same. It’s done.” For once, I saw Lan-I-Mata’s expression soften. She simply nodded, “You have let go? Then you are ready.”

 

I followed her out of the city and we started walking. Lan-I-Mata had picked a winding trail, I could tell we were gaining elevation. It was quite still, heard no birds singing their songs. I wanted to ask Lan-I-Mata where we were going but she snapped before I could form the idea, “Stop asking, little one. The shelter is just ahead.” A few hundred fulms ahead, a small cave nestled into the sloping mountain side revealed itself. A small fire was burning at the mouth of the shelter. A small kettle hung over the banked coals. She motioned for me to sit. Simply poured me tea and insisted I drink. It was bitter, my tongue immediately tingling. And then…I was laying on my back, staring up at the sky, half of the cave entrance blocking my view. The sun was now moving toward the center of the sky. I could hear Lan-I-Mata, but…her lips weren’t moving; her voice incoherent. I tried to sit up and I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. A dull roar started to fill my ears. And then like a switch, it was silent.

 

I turned to look at Lan-I-Mata, I felt sluggish as if I was in water. You have found it, young one… I remember blinking, confusion. Lan-I-Mata held a finger to her lips. Yet I heard her words? You are in balance…not pouring your energy into the aetheric flow, not allowing yourself to be overwhelmed… She took my hand and helped me to my feet. I looked around, the colors….were so vibrant. It felt like the very ground we walked upon pulsed. You are sensing the flow, observing, neither giving or taking….

 

It…was so beautiful. I do not know how long we walked, Lan-I-Mata simply allowed me to explore. I would stop to smell a flower, curiously watch the water ripple by, or run my sensitive fingers over the jagged edges of the rocks. I found a small field mouse, held it in my hand as I stared intently into it’s small black eyes. And I felt like I understood it’s pain…yet was not burdened. It’s fight was it’s fight alone unless it asked for help. I put the creature down and turned in amazement and wonder. I felt uplifted, free….

 

As the sun started to slide into it’s descent, the youthful creature directed me back to the cave. She wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and added a few more logs to the fire. Lan-I-Mata turned at that moment, observing me. She then started to speak.

 

You have found the balance. I know you will ask, so I will say now, your balance came from letting go. You no longer carry the burden of others. Your compassion, your greatest gift and weakness, shall ebb and flow much like the Moon rising and setting. There will be times, where you will once again carry the burdens of others. Choose wisely and free yourself as you need. Carry the burden for too long, you will start draining again. You will be able to return to this place as often as you need, to re-align yourself.

 

My eyelids felt heavy, I think I nodded. Lan-I-Mata took my hand and held it, her other hand moving to wipe across my cheek. I was crying? I didn’t even recall starting to cry. And then I was wrapping my arms tightly around the Padjal. I was sure she would scold me….but she did not. In the heavy silence following, Lan-I-Mata held my shoulders and smiled at me. You have earned yourself some time. You will know if and when you will need my assistance again…

 

She pressed a kiss to my forehead, in the same comforting fashion Ace gave me. And exhaustion overcame me….

 

I woke some time later, Lan-I-Mata is not here. The fire is dimming back into coals. The sun and moon are dancing along the skyline. She left me a note, telling me to contact the Conjurer’s Guild if I need to speak with her again…. Lonely? I pondered the emotion. Yes, she challenged me, didn’t make sense at times. How she could think I was…done? Well, not done, but ready?

 

The effects of the tea are still quite obvious. The intense colors, the sensitivity to my flesh. I know I need to get off this mountainside, I am starting to get cold. I hope that I can start using aether shortly, it’s a very humbling…baring experience, to be without it. Until it comes back, I am a but a simple female.

[Poe]

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I practiced what I preached this evening. I am sure part of Lan-I-Mata is cringing now. Seriously….

 

Let me start from the beginning. Sae called us together for a gathering…we were to get paid. But numbers weren’t adding up to me. I knew how much we sold the amulet for, the amount was off. As more of us gathered, confusion continued to spread. An error…this wasn’t our money. It was Ace’s? Ace?! We all started sputtering, how could we take it?

 

Kora arrived with the male Eugene behind her. He can be…irritating, heard and seen him out and about with ladies. Kora stated he was wanted alive by the Maelstrom. Interesting she didn’t ask for help then to take care of the situation. Instead just sat there….I suppose I have a different idea of work when given a target…

 

Two other females were hanging around as well, Kora immediately started apologizing for us….what? Clearly her and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to interacting with others. I checked in with Ry. He was covered in bandages, moving slowly. But he was alive. After Rose talked to Ace, we moved the mixed-up bags of gil back to Limsa.

 

Gathered out at the point, chatting and banter continued. Spoke with a highlander, Laura…seemed she had a bit of a problem she wanted to fix…involving love. I swear Menphina tests my sanity. I didn’t want to hear anything about hearts, emotions, the whole lot of it. But we banded together, discussed it. All I could keep insisting was for the parties involved to be honest. Doesn’t that clear up confusions?

 

The female thanked us and headed out. Ace, Kora, Rose…they all soon left. Ryillin had asked me earlier about a Miqo’te with similar features. I knew it was a matter of time before Mota showed up, asking questions. Relan had warned me enough already, I have known she has been around.

 

Mota…up to no good. Trying to claim Ry as her own. He seemed a bit worried about it, just looking to avoid the issue. He started to go on, had an idea, but he didn’t think I would go for it. S’anhu was standing there, looked like he wanted to run away. He almost did, but I pointed out that Ry might need a male opinion on things as well.

 

Then Ry suggested it. A lock of my hair, so my scent was around him. It is true, it would surely flush Mota out, she wouldn’t…well, I hope she wouldn’t bother him more if we went through with this idea. But then Ry also said we would have to…act in such ways in public. I was a bit confused, like, dinner, holding hands? I was trying to get clarity of the matter, S’anhu just withdrawing further. Ry then insisted it was a foolish idea, it would ruin chances for me. Chances for what? Part of me wanted to rise to the challenge. Of course I could make it appear like we were….in love. Right? I even grabbed his hand to show him I could play the part. But…I did insist I needed a night to think it all over. I need to speak to Rose about this….perhaps even Ace. They wouldn’t lead me astray. And then Ryillin stated he didn’t know anything about romance…feelings. Never been in love? I suppose I am not sure I have either, but I can imagine what it is like. Daevien and I didn’t speak of our feelings; by now I have accepted our feelings were not one in the same. I was smitten…but is that love? My mind was racing.

 

But Ry kept shaking his head and stating no. He wasn’t ruining prospects for me, that he would find another way to get Mota to leave him alone.He even asked S’anhu to back him….

 

And S’anhu said the idea might work.

 

Well…

 

Then Ry leaned, whispered into my ear what were my feelings for S’anhu. I remember looking up at S’anhu, realizing that he thought Ry’s idea would work, he said so himself…

 

But I was honest, I had feelings for S’anhu. Ry quickly shut down, dropped my hand and moved to leave. I had hurt him…I…I just wanted to be honest. Wasn’t that the lesson, what we all had discussed with the highlander, Laura? He left…I insisted I was coming to find him after a night to think on it. He…did not say much.

 

S’anhu still stood there, he had heard part of the whispering. He asked, I guess I blurted out Ry asked me what my feelings were…to S’anhu. And so S’anhu asked what I had said. I told him he knew, he had to. After horribly bombing my one attempt at flirting with him, yes, I mean, I haven’t been all over him…I have tried to be there for S’anhu, as a friend first and push those…those other feelings aside.

 

And S’anhu turned and stared out over the ocean. I was confused, why was this even a discussion? In our confusion, still trying to settle this uncomfortable moment, yes, I said it in simple terms. “I told him yes.” There, I told Ryillin, yes I had feelings for S’anhu. And now S’anhu knew. The few moments after, I suppose the horror of the whole thing erupted inside of me. I was flustered and said I was leaving.

 

S’anhu said my name but then stopped, agreeing that it was best I go. I walked slowly back to the inn. Honesty hurts…

[Poe]

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The writing lacks a smoothness…as if the writer paused several times, thinking.

 

Rose…there is a reason she is my best friend! I contacted her, needed to talk. Needed to clear my head…and spill my guts. I told her what happened last night, Ry, S’anhu, the whole mess. Rose seemed to question if Ry had feelings for me, but I quickly let her know he said he had never had feelings for anyone.

 

And S’anhu…well, after she heard the whole story, man, I know she has my back. She told me I could do better, that some day I would meet a male with his head on straight. I keep remembering Ry and S’anhu both agreeing anyone would be lucky to have me. Well…almost anyone I suppose.

 

Rose let me ask about Ace, filled me in on her confusion. I tried my best with advice. Clearly I am not doing so well in the love department, but I can smile when I see the love others have for each other. I know it’s a lot for her to think about, and I do hope she asks him, asks him why he loves her. I am not sure how easy it will be able to answer…oooh, can you imagine how romantic it would be hear? All the reasons why someone loves you?

 

I am off track. After she let me have my fill, my curiosity vanquished, I asked her for a final piece of advice. How do I act around S’anhu now? I can’t unsay what I said. Granted, I didn’t stand there and say…well, any love phrase or anything. I just admitted yes. Rose had a point, we were all friends, he is part of the crew. She must have sensed my still sensitive wounds from the rejection. She told me I could have a day, to just avoid him. But she is right, we are on the crew. And I was honest, S’anhu’s friendship means more to me than anything else. I was the silly one who let my feelings get out of hand. So…professional, polite, distant. I can do this and I know S’anhu will be happier this way too.

 

Thank you Rose…I would have messed this one up without her advice.

[Poe]

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There is hesitation in the writing, blots of ink where the pen seemed to pause…

 

I…I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like, Gods. Everything is a fucking mess….

 

After my talk with Rose, I checked with the innkeeper if I had messages. I did, one from Relan. After quickly reading it, I was almost sick. Relan’s house ransacked? His storage cleaned out? My herbs…my way to pay…for anything, gone. Relan included the receipt Davin and him found. Looks like a meal for three at the Bismark. I was planning on running over there to question the waitstaff, but I didn’t want to go alone. I mean, the Bismark is pretty damn fancy. The best fish kabobs hands down, but I couldn’t just strut in there…and I had limited gil, I couldn’t just sit down and enjoy a meal and get my information that way. I know Relan would try to give me some gil to make ends meet, but the old man has done enough for me.

 

I figured if I could talk to a few of the crew, maybe someone, anyone would have some ideas on how to get the information. I headed to the ship…E…he…is gone. I mean, I didn’t know him well, but….I was there too late…there was nothing I could do. Rose pulled me aside, tried to fill me in. But suddenly, this man appeared with others backing him. Lina wouldn’t let go of E, this man was saying Lina needed to go with him. And then, it erupted. I tried to remember Lan-I-Mata’s orders; I kept toward the back, can’t be of help if I am injured or dead. So…much blood.

 

Kora and Rose…so strong and gifted. I could never manage to take down an attacker the way they did. Beautiful…strong females. Something to aspire to some day…

 

Ry got cut open. I immediately went to tend to him and he tried to shrug me off, insisting he was ok. I -saw- that knife slice into him. And, oddly….as I healed him, I sensed further wounds…he hadn’t told me of these. I didn’t say anything but I hope the look was enough. I knew.

 

Then I heard someone shouting for help for Rose. I rushed to her…she was covered in blood. A mess…her arm did indeed have a cut and I did my best to patch her up. While I working on her injury, a stranger approached. Who was this guy? I quickly moved over to ask him who he was. Thankfully a friend of Woozy’s. I didn’t realize Woozy was sending more help, but it seemed we could use all the help we could. The bodies, the blood….every where…..

 

It seemed Lina and S’anhu had left. I was finishing my conversation with the stranger, introduced himself as Tsol. Ace pauses as he was leaving, looked at me and said S’anhu said he was sorry…and some other stuff. I couldn’t read his expression, he looked tired, but I remember immediately insisting that Ace was joking with me. Kora was right there…I felt…horrible. Yes…yes I have feelings for her mate. Her mate… And I will keep my mouth shut. It’s not something I will act on, I just… A large blot of ink is at the pause in the sentence.

 

I wanted to check on Ryillin, find out exactly why he had not spoken of these other injuries sooner. Stubborn really is a word to describe him. I found him, out on the edge of the ship. At first he wouldn’t even come down. I could tell he was trying to wrap bandages around himself. Gods…I could heal him and he was trying to bandage himself up. I need to remind him there are no points for being an injured hero….who is just….stubborn. Eventually he did….and he said he was sorry. I didn’t want him to apologize for being injured, but then…he said it was for the other evening. Oh…right. That…

 

While I tended to the wounds on his back, I rambled, I know I did. But I tried to explain…maybe I did? I don’t remember. I just wanted some honesty…and even awkward emotions fade with time…It would all be alright. Just had to get through this next bit. But Ry wouldn’t turn to look at me until I finally requested he did, I knew he still had wounds on his chest. He did….the scars…I had overhead him earlier speak about what he had gone through. I didn’t realize the damage though. Clearly the damn thing tried to rip his very heart out. I felt inadequate at that moment, realizing I could only help heal the tenderness, give the muscle and skin some flexibility back. As I went about casting, I heard him murmur something. Something intimate about how I heal? Flustered…yes, I was. No one had ever commented really…I mean, yes, I remember my first trainer at the Conjurer’s guild when we moved to Gridania. He was always yelling at me for opening myself to much during the process. Later, Lan-I-Mata helped me realize I put so much of myself, my compassion into the spells…I guess it is intimate.

 

I didn’t try to explain this though…He was looking at me, I couldn’t tell if he was confused. I just…I don’t even know. We quickly moved down to check on any others still on deck. Approached the table and…I guess bad timing would be mild. I caught a few words…was Kora pregnant? I couldn’t stay there, Ami and her were talking and I just…I had to get out. I quickly went down below and came upon Rose and Tsol speaking. They wrapped up and Rose asked if I was ready to head back to get some rest.

 

As we started our trek, Rose stopped. And then she said Ry was sorry. Dear Menphina….the apologies. I just nodded and told her he had said so in person. And then she said S’anhu had told Rose that Ace thought she hated him. So off we were to find Ace…she wanted to speak to him. We found him, tucked away in Ul’dah with his bird. He was mad, things didn’t seem to be going well with Rose and Ace said him and S’anhu had gotten into an argument. It blew up. The whole conversation. I see both their sides, I even tried to say they cared about each other so much they were arguing about arguing. It didn’t help, Ace left and both were mad. I suggested a night to think on everything. Sometimes its hard to process thoughts and feelings…especially after they are brought to light so quickly…I guess…that goes for me too. Ace told me…Rose knew too; Kora and S’anhu…she had been pregnant but they had made a choice to not go through…. I can’t lie, my mind was whirling, I was confused. I had heard nothing of this, though part of it makes sense. He has been withdrawn…since he met her, they spent more time away together…perhaps they were nesting, planning and preparing their future together… I can only imagine how they both must be hurting…I pray that Menphina will…will find a time for them to once again have the chance at life….

 

Fuck…that hurts to even write, but they are together and this doesn’t involve me and I just want happiness for them…

 

We headed back to the inn. Ran into S’anhu…well…I tried to hide behind Rose. I wanted to throw up, Rose spoke to him briefly. Honestly, it was in one ear and out the other; all I could keep thinking about was everything…so much had happened, I now knew so much more…. I shouldn’t even know this stuff.

 

Rose went to the room. S’anhu and I stood there awkwardly a moment. We each offered a simple apology. I don’t even know why he apologized or for what….mine was…fuck, it was for everything.

[Poe]

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Mota sat up snarling as she took another sip of the tea to detox her system. The poison’s effect was starting to subside and her anger blossoming as she gritted her teeth, one canine piercing the tender flesh of her lower lip. Licking the blood, Mota gets up, staggering as she braced one hand against the wall.

 

She had accepted the work with the Syndicate in hopes of a mutually beneficial relationship. They had more manpower, connections she herself had not yet forged. While they had not left her high and dry, the last encounter had been a bit too close and not her style. Sighing, the smirk returns to her lips as she pushes the door outside and stands on the porch.

 

“You are awake.”

 

Mota turned to glance to her mother. Sula sat primly, legs crossed as she eyed Mota a moment. Closing the book, the very one Ace had retrieved for Mota, Sula sets it aside and gets up, sauntering in similar fashion to Mota and stood beside. Brushing a strand of hair from Mota’s face, Sula smiles a moment, turning to gaze out over the small plot of land the tribe called home.

 

“The mender stated that even with an aether crystal we likely would not be able to…give one the ability to manipulate aether.”

 

Mota glanced to Sula, her gaze intent, “The mender said this? But we tracked the shipment of crystals. You forced Relan to allow the transport of them. What do you mean?”

 

Sula smiles again, the same similar smirk, “That is why the mender will be no more. We will need to find another soon. As for the long term problem….” Sula meets Mota’s gaze with cold glance. “Your sister was supposed to be the next mender. She has the ability. But she is weak; listens to her heart. I need someone who will use their power to protect the family and care for little else.”

 

Sula motions for Mota to follow her as they take the steps down onto the sprawling front lawn. Several members of the tribe were busy sitting at a table piled high with various herbs drying in piles. They glanced up and quickly returned to work, Sula smiling as she passed them, “Busy bees keep working.” Taking Mota’s hand, Sula smiles and leads her out to stand at the edge of the river, stopping to gaze, “You will become matriarch some day. You will see, power is everything. As conflict ensues, we can gain more power. With power, comes wealth, opportunity.”

 

Mota holds back a sigh. Always the pressure, the expectation. She hated to admit, deep inside, she could see why Poe had run.

 

“We will need a strong male, a mate for you. One with ability to manipulate aether. Have you been working on this?” Sula turns to stare at Mota, “Your sister was to be the next mender, to give us a strong child who would ensure the safety of the tribe. I have not given up hope that she will some day rejoin us and do just that. But I prefer to have two plans in action.”

 

Mota was silent as Sula spoke, thinking of the two males of power she had recently met. It would not be love, one outright seemed to despise her, the other foolish enough to think she could somehow be saved…but they could serve the purpose Sula was requiring of her. Meeting Sula’s gaze, Mota nods once, “I have met two potentials. Black mages, though one seems to be avoiding his power now.”

 

Sula studies her daughter, finally nodding, “You will have one of them. Whatever it takes.”

 

Mota nods, “I am working on an elixir of submission. I had hoped to use other means, but at this moment, neither seem receptive to my advances.”

 

Sula gave her a look of distaste and disappointment, “A matriarch commands those with whatever means necessary. Your beauty should have been enough, your skills of seduction are solid. You must not fail.”

 

Mota opened her mouth to reply but closed it quickly to avoid the verbal lashing that would follow if she spoke.

 

Sula took a step closer, the anger in her eyes brewing as she places a hand on Mota’s shoulder, “Make it happen.” With that, Sula quickly pushed her thumb deep into the wound Mota had on her shoulder, the pain causing her to almost stagger. The blood started to seep into the clothing, the red spot growing.

 

Sula looks at her with disgust, “Clean yourself up.” Sula turns on her heel and walks back to the house, leaving Mota standing by the river.

[Poe]

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The pages are crumpled, as if someone started to rip and tear at the parchment. The ink has smudged significantly, what appears to be water marks (or perhaps tears) cover the pages.

 

I…I must have wronged Menphina….

 

The next page is less destroyed.

 

I thought I knew heart ache and pain….it’s laughable now. Truly.

 

I…I can’t even speak of it. I am afraid I will start crying again. Gods…I am weak and foolish. Menphina must be punishing me for my behavior…

 

Two sheets of paper are ripped from the binding, who knows what may have been written down on them.

 

I had a note from S’anu, asking if we could speak. I…I walked around a bit, unsure how to respond. Of course I wanted to speak with him…to see him. But…I knew so much now. I know Ace said what S’anhu thought of me. But, I don’t…can’t believe it.

 

We met at Wayward Point. So awkward, the conversation. But, I wanted to be brave. I told him I knew of…Kora and his difficult decision. I told him perhaps in the future Kora and him could have children. I tried….Menphina, don’t you see? I tried so hard to want the best for them. His happiness, his life, it doesn’t include me, not the way I want it to.

 

I admitted having feelings. But…I hope it was clear I would never try to interfere. S’anhu said he had to stay with her…., that she would be all alone without him, that she needed him.

 

His needs, my needs….are not important…

 

It took every bit of strength, I tried to keep it together. But tears started to fall. He has feelings for me, but stays with her? I…I am not asking for him to pick me…I would never ask that. I told him how I felt. That he made -me- a better person, which is why I would want to be with him. And I wanted to know when his wants, needs, happiness would come first? That he couldn’t help others without first loving and helping himself.

 

And then the excuses…I was too good? Kora would be all alone? Fuck, he was alone when he first showed up in Limsa, I was alone when I left my family and arrived in Limsa… Being alone is a choice…if one chooses to alienate and withdraw….no one else can stop one from doing that.

 

Then…..

 

He said it. He loves me…

 

Part of me wanted to run to him, to kiss him, to tell him how my hearts beat when near him. And then the reality set in. How…how cruel to even say to me. Why…for what gain does sharing that have? To hurt me further?

 

He banged his head, he had before, but now he had managed to make himself bleed. I knelt down, urging him to stop. Begging more likely. I promised I wouldn’t say anything, I would stop asking questions. I would just leave it. He had made his decision. Kora….

 

Ami came over the pearl…. Daevien, she had found him. He was injured.

 

My stomach dropped. S’anhu was crying, he told me to go, they needed my help with Daevien. He told them on the pearl he would be there shortly. That moment stretched out, I just looked at him. So this was it?

 

I kissed him on the cheek…I shouldn’t have. In that moment, I felt more alone than I ever thought possible… and then I left.

 

I was able to get up to where they found Daevien as fast as I could. Ami, Cao, Ry, Kel….they were there already. His eyes…Daevien’s eyes…black.

 

And my already beaten and broken heart…Menphina - I am done. I can’t do this…I can’t do any of this.

 

I knew once I saw the eyes, it wasn’t Daevien…has he been held hostage like this? Is this where he has been? Did I too hastily assume he didn’t want me…and that’s why he left? My confusion over my emotions….I felt like I had loved Daevien when we…we were together but with his disappearance I had assumed that it had to have been lust…but….why does it hurt to see him?

 

But Daevien would not retreat, that beast speaking through his body…the body I knew so intimately. They were forced into action…Kel and Daevien…well…the beast. Ry was attempting to cast, but there was so much movement. S’anhu ran in.

 

Water marks where tears fell once more are evident on the parchment.

 

And the blood…Kel…The beast…that body with the hauntingly beautiful eyes approached me. His weapon was not drawn though. And he asked me did I see? That inside Daevien was begging to the beast to not injure….me. He had my complete and utter attention. And Ami fired an arrow.

 

Paralytic poison…but the beast escaped before they could get him. Capture him…

 

My feelings, my thoughts….I had to bank them. Kel was gravely injured. I was able to offer healing, even more than usual as Ryillin offered to let me use his aetheric energy. I…I had never done anything like that. We quickly rushed him back to the Den. I went over his wounds again, he is resting comfortably for now.

 

I tried to offer my apologies to Ami…I know the choice she made must not have been easy. I don’t know if I would have been able to make that choice. She was upset like the rest of us, stating Daevien had told her how much he cared for me. Why? Why had he never spoken of it to me?

 

S’anhu offered to put together a search party to try to track down Daevien. From the cryptic language of the beast, Ami pointed that he might be returning to his parents’ home. Ami begged to capture Dae…to not…to not kill him.

 

I was drained. My emotions felt like they had been bled dry, my own ability to use the aether energy…sapped. I needed sleep. I set my hammock up near Kel. There was potential he may have needed more healing.

 

I just want to shut this pain off….

[Poe]

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A receipt to the Bismark is tucked in between the sheets of parchment before this entry.

 

A quiet day overall. Perhaps I needed that quiet for my mind…and my heart. I tried to check in with Relan but he wasn’t home. The door had been re-secured though; Davin must have done that for him. I tried to go fishing but then I was left with my thoughts. I don’t want to think anymore…not for a while at least.

 

I finally asked over the pearl if anyone had some ideas about how to get information from the waitstaff at the Bismark. Plenty of questions about why but I didn’t want to get into it quite yet. I wandered over, not feeling much hope honestly. And there was Ry! After my initial shock, he explained he interned there. I have talked with him before about cooking, I just had not put it all together.

 

He stopped working and asked me what it was I needed. I showed him the receipt and explained I needed to know information about either the patrons or where that order was going. Ry surprised me, he did. Had a quick excuse to the angry Roe running the place and brought the book with the information outside to one of the tables. He was able to locate the order was being shipped to Aleport. After finding the information, he got us something to eat and drink. It’s not something I am used to, I hope he realized how appreciative I was, I was so hungry.

 

After our conversation sort of meandered. He brought to my attention that when I was healing Kel the healing felt…well, he used the term less intimate. I was a little confused, especially when he asked me if I didn’t like Kel for some reason. I am not sure if it’s because I was tapping into Ry’s aether energy that it felt different. I offered to test, since honestly I was nervous to hear my energy had felt different. I had intended on casting a simple spell of protection but before I could, Ry sliced his hand open. I have mentioned stubborn and reckless before, right? I quickly healed him and he said it felt like it had before, when I healed him the day the men came for Lina.

 

I don’t know if this is somehow tied to how much of myself I put into healing. I know the night when Kel was injured…emotionally I was drained, numbed out. Perhaps that impacted it. I don’t know, perhaps it’s something I should get to the bottom of. After we talked a bit about…well, life for a male Keeper. I had never really considered what they went through. He…openly shared a lot, more than expected. It was kinda nice though, relaxing to be able to talk.

 

So Aleport seems like the next place to check out. Keeping busy is the best thing for me. I have been considering some more training as well. I realize I will need to get back out and look over my plants and try to harvest sooner than I had originally expected. Mother and Mota have always been excellent hunters. I know mother deemed me hopeless, but perhaps the right instructor could help me at least handle a bow well enough to defend myself…

[Poe]

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The writing seems a bit wobbly and loose.

 

I stopped by the ship. I wanted to let those there know I was going to go over to Aleport, ask some questions. At the moment, only Ry really knows what is happening. Well, some of it. I haven’t dared mention my harvest is gone and I am down to my last coin. A time like this, yeah, I wish Ambrosia was still open. I would be down there working my ass off.

 

Showed up and the new girl, Alicen and X’hayu were chatting. Lina arrived shortly after. Alicen is sweet, I hope we can shield her from some of the horrors, but I think we have already failed. The mess…the blood was still there. Alicen joked she still had cleaning to do. Poor thing, if I have time tomorrow I am coming back to help clean. She could use the help.

 

Lina had some impressive armor on, beautiful and shiny. Lina seemed…Gods, I don’t know. How is one supposed to feel after they have been through what she has?

 

Ry showed up and Kora as well. I could feel the tension, the awkward…Fuck, she has every reason to hate me. Every reason for her give me those cold stares. I am not sure if the others had noticed. By the time Alicen and Lina left and I had a slight buzz from the wine, I decided it be best to just address the issue.

 

I told her I was sorry and I was not going to interfere and I reiterated again that S’anhu has already made his choice. She started to act oddly, Ry demanding to know what was going on. She didn’t know her name? Ry hit her with a fireball. I…I know she was acting odd, but… Was this the same guy I was sharing a bag of cherries with last night at the point?

 

Kora was hit, but she hadn’t tried to dodge it, falling over. Ry’s next spell put her to sleep and he did something, using his aether energy to scan her mind. After he, he asked me to heal her up. I did quickly, worried. Kora wasn’t herself. She talked oddly and looked at me. I asked…whatever, whoever this was to tell Kora I was sorry, I would not meddle, S’anhu was her’s and her’s alone.

 

After she left, I asked Ry what that was about. He explained, she had some sort of other…identity inside, to help her handle the pain of what I have put her and S’anhu through. It was out, protecting her while she tried to heal. Ry also said S’anhu did not know about this other…self?

 

I guess that is it. Caused enough pain to literally split another’s very mind, forcing it to protect itself from my words and actions. I continued to drink now, feeling sick. Finally, I realized I needed to sleep. The wine wasn’t enough to numb this out, I needed absolute silence. Ry was kind enough to let me stay in his room on the ship. He doesn’t use it. It’s simple, very sterile. It doesn’t have the homey feel I had tried to create in the room I shared with Daevien. But it’s free of these emotional ghosts that haunt me.

 

Tomorrow, Aleport. I need to distance myself so no one else is hurt.

[Poe]

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I met up with Rose…told her what has happened. She…she is a true friend. She said how sorry she was. I know she is. And…well, that’s about it, I guess. She seemed to be doing ok, I am sure it’s a lot to get used to. In time, I am sure things will all work out for them. I couldn’t be more happy, my best friend…and, well Ace is the closest thing I have to a brother. But then Ace started to speak of a mage that approached him, Risa potentially not safe. Thankfully we were able to find her and she was ok. And I suppose it was a romantic moment….except I was there. I mean, well, Ace said he loved us both and wanted to make sure we were safe. Rose….yeah, I could tell she was hung up on that word he used, but I wasn’t. He means like a sister, well, to me and Rose…well, he’s in love her. We know that.

 

Davin contacted me on the pearl, Relan had fallen and taken a nasty hit to the head. I rushed over, sad to leave Ace and Rose but I needed to make sure he was ok. I patched Relan up and Davin pulled me aside. He was concerned about how tired Relan had looked lately. I…I hadn’t noticed. I have been so wrapped up in my own stuff, I hadn’t really been paying close attention. I promised Davin I would keep an eye on him…maybe talk to the old man if need be. After seeing what happened with E and Lina…I just don’t want regrets. I want everyone to know how much I care for them, be it in words or actions. Though, I may never be able to say such things to some, how much I care.

 

I got back to the point to find Carter there…along with just about everyone else. After tense talks, Lina accepted Carter, well, for the time. I know everyone doesn’t trust him…I just hope Carter can demonstrate he is a decent guy. I will have to pull him aside sometime and talk with him, let him know he has my support as long as he is honest and well-intentioned.

 

Found out Ry had taken a Fear negating potion. He started talking and I got worried he was off to get himself into trouble. A potion to make him even more stubborn and reckless? I was going to go speak with him, but he left while I was speaking to Ace…I told Ace what had happened between S’anhu and I. I just wanted to clarify, Ace looked worried when he asked how I was holding up. So I told him… Ace was livid. I tried to calm him…it was a reason I was tempted to not say anything. I just…I didn’t want any issues, I just want S’anhu left alone. I mean, about this. He doesn’t need to be reminded of an impulsive moment and false words said. Rose decided she would speak to S’anhu soon. Not about me and him, thank Menphina. Just about the general concern of how he was. It’s true, Ace pointed it out, for the past two weeks something has been off. First Rose and Ace questioned if he was possessed. I have to say, part of that hurt, contemplating the idea that it wasn’t him who said those things to me. But, they dismissed the idea, sorta. Either way, clearly S’anhu just spouted things out and didn’t mean them, he is under a lot of stress and he must have sorta broke like Kora. It’s more proof they should be together, at least they seem to even each other out.

 

I didn’t want to hear or think of it anymore. And Ry had gone off with a potion that made him even more reckless than before. I wasn’t going to go make sure he was ok, but I needed to focus on ways I could help this crew rather than hurt them. Lina pointed me in the right direction and I was able to track him to the small hill outside the Forgotten Spring. He was sitting, watching the water of the springs. And we talked. He feels bad for thrusting the tension between S’anhu and I out into the spotlight. Again, I said it was ok, recited it all, S’anhu and Kora are together.

 

I asked him what it was like, the potion. I know I was nosy…but…I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. Thankfully he was not too upset with me, if anything, he seemed upset with himself. He said he always ended up upsetting others, making them feel bad…and he doesn’t want that. He did say he was socially awkward before. I think he just needs to spend some time speaking and interacting with others so he gets used to it. I am not sure I am much help, my track record isn’t great, but I still want to try…if he will accept it.

[Poe]

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Things have…I don’t know where to begin. How do you start fresh? New? To keep the haunting memories and feelings for others at bay?

 

I have taken steps in the right direction though. I am here for the others, I need to be the glue to heal these cracks within the crew. I hope others see I am trying to heal this group…trying to…help. I am sincere when I ask how they are doing…and it has been painful to be pushed to arms length. But I have accepted that, their choice and what they need to do. The pain I feel, it’s my own insecurities, reminding me of rejection from long ago. It will fade with time.

 

I brought out the bells. I used to hate having to perform each evening for the family. Mother said the moon wouldn’t rest until she had heard the sweet song and voice. I had stopped singing once I left. But…tonight, when the moon was overhead, it seemed, well, right. The lyrics came back to me so easily.

I watch you spin from afar

I drink you in and breath you out

I’m camouflaged by the timeline

I’m camouflaged when the sun shines

 

Two ships passing in the night

Two lips pressing ground the tides

 

I believe the world it spins for you

We will never be, I am the moon

 

I long to be a part

I isolate my heart

You’ve drawn me into your world

Now I too spin limbless

 

One hand clapping, where’s the wind

I stand spanning at your distant wings

 

I believe the world it spins for you

We will never be, I am the moon

[Poe]

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Where…to start? So much happened, how can I keep it all straight?

 

Rose pulled me aside. She had a message from Ryillin…he would just hurt me and was no good at relationships. Rose was confused and I found myself irritated. I have been trying to offer my friendship to Ryillin, he has been pushing me away and then he tells Rose this? I understand, I mean, Rose asked me had I been looking at Ry. I dunno, have I? It seems I am a sucker for the broken birds. I was ashamed to admit it, I am lonely. It’s not about sex, dear Gods. I am far too inexperienced to have a craving for something like that. I just miss…that closeness, the snuggling; being able to feel the their heartbeat. And…somehow, I have managed a lot of rejection from men. If I could find my sense of humor I would have told Rose I will only snuggle with females from now. But…I guess the rejection has still made me feel a little raw…sore. Rose better watch it! She will find me crying and spooning her at this rate. A small smiley face is beside this last statement.

 

Ace and S’anhu…I know sometimes males just need to sorta fight it out. But I saw Ace’s face…they got into a fight…Called over the pearl, S’anhu wasn’t breathing. Ry was going to meet me in Costa, so he quickly ported me to Ace and S’anhu. And…I had mixed emotions. I haven’t spoken to S’anhu since he…since he lied about his feelings for me. I healed him though. He started breathing…Lina showed up, which was good. S’anhu needs the ones he wants around him. I went to speak to Ace. He seemed to have plans, talking to Ruhan. Ace…damnit Ace. Why did you say it like that? I know he was just trying to let me know I could go back and make sure S’anhu was ok. But…I never said I loved him. Not…out loud. And it doesn’t matter anyway. Stupid stupid thoughts. Stupid feelings. I hate them. All of them! Everyone has done such a grand job shutting them off around me…why can’t I?

 

I went back to S’anhu and Lina. I sorta lost it, I just, I don’t want to see them fighting. They…are…were…they are friends…I gave my best advice. To them both, him and Lina. Ace needs his friends…but they can’t just force things back to the way they were. Ace needs…little steps. I hope they heard me…maybe I am wrong. But I think Ace is hurt…he needs others to be gentle with him. Ace needs some time.

 

Ry came over the pearl, sounded mad. I know some stuff went down with Ace, Ruhan, Rose and Ryillin. I missed what exactly, I know there was a question about a deal with the fateweaver…the Gods never listen to my pleas. I apologized to S’anhu. An apology would be the best way to say goodbye. Kora will take care of him, he has his friends. S’anhu will pull through.

 

I met Ry out at Costa. He was irritated. I tried to calm him down, he kept apologizing for being emotional. Fuck, am I not one who would understand? I brought him down to show him the space we would use. He was irritable. Gods, rejected again, I am just trying to offer innocent friendship. Alicen showed up along with Ace and Rose. If anything…they brought a smile to my face. Ace and Rose….maybe they are working things out?

 

Ace and Ry got into it…Ry left but returned. They argued a bit more…but in the end I think it smoothed out. And…drinking. Easy to have a lot when someone is serving the drinks. Ace and Rose left, Ry and I started arguing some more…well…I guess it was arguing. He just kept saying he would hurt me. Why don’t I ever get a choice in anything?

 

Seriously….why don’t I?

[Poe]

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Hesitant writing fills the page…

 

Mota has shown up. It was confirmed this evening. Ace, Rose and Ry have all met her, spoke to her in and around town. I guess it was a matter of time. I didn’t find out right away. I had gone to the ship to say hi to everyone. It….was awkward. New Elezen seemed nice enough. Not much a fan of wine? Nev seemed ready to introduce him to all sorts of liquor. I like her.

 

Lina and S’anhu were at the table too. I don’t know why he spoke to me. There isn’t a lot to say, I ended up feeling awkward. They were asking him about his emotions. Menphina, I kept my mouth shut, I didn’t say anything. I…I wanted to but I didn’t. And he looked at me before he answered. I had to look away. Telling more lies others what they want to hear. That’s why he ever said it to me. I guess he didn’t want me to feel unwanted….too bad that backfired. And then S’anhu left. It was because of me. I can tell.

 

I…I had to get off that ship. I went to go fish, but came across Ami and Ace speaking. Talked with them both a few, I hope Ami is ok…then Rose showed up, said she had been talking to Ry. That was when I discovered Mota had been around. Mota using her typically tactics, Rose and Ace…I could sense that storm brewing. But we were able to focus on the issue. Aether crystals? I remember when I was young, my mother dragging me constantly to see this…I suppose medicine woman. Always asking about my connection with the aether flow.

 

Perhaps mother is jealous? Maybe she wants that power for herself…or for Mota? I know she had the medicine woman come out and do something with the very earth we had our garden in. Perhaps that power is failing, mother needs another to ‘fix’ the land so she can still continue to make a profit?

 

But with this discovery of Mota…came the questions about why I left the family in the first place. I tried to explain, I didn’t want my mother choosing a mate for me, for us…And I couldn’t stay there, watching Mota follow in her footsteps, caring little for those she hurts. I…I am not sure what they thought.

 

Ry called over the pearl and we ended up in a conversation about Keeper ways. Ry had stated to me before he had been claimed. I guess…well, we know they can be…unclaimed. Ry pulled me aside while Ace and Rose…settled their disagreement about Mota.

 

It’s clear by the large splotch of ink either the writing tool rested there a moment or it broke somehow…

 

Ry said he had feelings. That was why he kept saying he was afraid he would hurt me. Perhaps this heart of mine is a curse. I care about others….I care deeply. But I am not fragile. I would rather hear nothing than hear falsehoods. I am not sure how to take this information. I mean, we all have feelings…right? I am not sure if he meant…more intimate feelings?

 

Regardless…we have to go forward with finding information in Aleport. Find out why Sula needed those shipments times. I need to speak to Relan as well, not sure if his missing merchandise could have anything to do with this. I…Gods, I hope Relan is not mixed up with this.

[Poe]

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It has been quiet with Rose and Ace gone. I hope they are doing well. They really did deserve a break. I have been able to keep myself busy though, Ryillin and I have grown closer. He has asked a lot of questions, only makes sense since he…well, he has been in the crew for while. He has seen and heard a lot.

 

I know that he makes me smile, something I hadn’t been doing much of. A lot has happened, too much to write about. But each day is better. I am looking forward to the party. I just want to see people smiling and happy.