Column: Narcissist Thinks Accomplishments Noteworthy, World Disagrees

[GloryRhodes]

by Spahro Llorn

 

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I don't normally do the whole opinion thing, but seeing as this is the nine hundredth time he's asked me to write about him, I decided that it was time to actually do him a favor, so here we go.  Otto Vann, Ul'Dahn rich guy and eccentric extraordinaire, leave me alone!

 

When I first met Otto he hit on me while I was working.  Now, I'm not unused to this, unfortunately, so I handled it with grace and nobility by implying that he must have been hitting on the man next to me and that I thought they'd make a cute couple.  After my deft deflection of his advances he asked what I did for a living.  I told him, and his next words were "You could be of use to me."

 

Let me get something straight.  I am writing this for everyone out there who thinks I might be of some use to them.  Spahro Llorn and Tonberry's Lantern are not for sale.  We do not participate in promotion of political agendas.  We will not be bought.  We are no one's tool.  We are firmly against prior restraint and if you want to dictate what's in the paper buy ad space.  News inches are ours alone to dictate.

 

Otto Vann, a rampant madman who wanders around in ludicrous outfits, or no clothes at all, with his outdated facial hair and shiny bald dome, is not newsworthy.  He's barely worth talking about while he's present.  I'm not sure how he made his money, though I assume it was in fashion, for only the fashion industry could support such an ignoramus, but he throws it around as if he were the Twelve's gift to the world.  The concept of integrity and honor seem foreign to him, as if he doesn't understand that some affections and loyalties can't be bought.

 

So, listen to me very closely, all of you narcissists who think that Tonberry's Lantern exist to promote your own egos.  No one wants to read about you. No one cares that you achieved some personal goal or that today your chamber pot smelled like scented roses.  If you want to be in the paper do something newsworthy.  Go on a spree killing or expose corruption in the Gridanian Miller's Guild.  Murder someone famous!

 

But do not ever beg for recognition.  It's boring.

 

I am Spahro Llorn, and I hate it here.