balmung Seeking Employment: Detectives for Hire!

[I'nia Emi]

As you sit down on a random bench somewhere in Eorzea to catch your breath, you suddenly hear something strange in your bag. Digging deep into it, you pull out a small cracked Linkshell that you honestly didn't even know you had. Perplexed, and somewhat curious, you pop that bad boy in your ear, and almost instantly your head fills with the obnoxious voice of a twenty something girl.

 

 

You find yourself once more in Ul'dah, the city of sin and debauchery, crime...crime fills the streets like fleas atop a trash cat. The corruption of the city runs so deep that even the Sultana herself is possibly being pulled by the strings to do the bidding of someone much more influential and powerful. Indeed, this city is not the jewel it once was, but that is all about to change...not really but you can pretend. 

 

 "Now that I have your attention with that really awesome speech that I totally wrote myself and in no way stole it off a fortune cookie or something. I, I'nia Emi, master detective, and amazing step dancer, have decided to open up the doors of the Scaled Kitten to allow you all to hire us...for a price! Now, you may be saying to yourself, 'Oh I'nia, you are too beautiful to work!' and I agree! I am far too beautiful to work such a dangerous job, which is why I will have my goon-eerrr wonderful employees assist me in this matter!"

 

Small static begins to emanate from the old worn out Linkshell before seemingly returning to normal.

 

 

"I know what you might be thinking now, for you see I am a master detective, one that can also tell the future...maybe...okay I lied, but I am a master detective! You are saying to yourself, 'But master I'nia, why would I want a detective?!' The answer to that simple my pinheaded future employer, because crime exists everywhere! From the guy who stole your wallet in Limsa, to your grandma who refuses to send you nameday gil, we'll get them all..for a small fee! And you must have no fear, for the fee that we collect goes to important things..like feeding Nisa our pet goat. It is true that I was once a gambling addict, alcoholic, drug abuser, thief, arsonist, former Ishgardian dragoon, drug dealer, Linkshell Talk host, corrupt politica-Hey what the hells do you mean my time is up? I didn't even start talking about our past cases like the time we found a missing tree, or the time we stopped the illegal black market sea shell sales..!"

 

The sounds of a scuffle in the background could be heard along with guards calling for backup.

 

 

"Fools! It'll take much more than that to st-hey, hey! Is that a Paladin?! The hells you calling heavy infantry for...! Ace! Ace! Get back on the Chocobo, we're getting out of he-"

 

The Linkshell goes dead for a brief moment before seemingly becoming lively once more, Chocobo whistles being blown, guards yelling and screaming, and the sounds of something breaking are heard.

 

 

"We are-hey that's my foot you ballerina dancing wimp! Where was I, oh right, we are in goblet 5th ward plot 22..our offices are always open! Just make sure to use the backdoor as the front door is busted...busted like your face is going to be!"

 

The sound of a fist connecting to a face is heard before the Linkshell once more dies and you are left more confused than you were when you started listening..could this be the start of a new adventure for you?! Or are you just going to pretend to not have heard all that..you a weenie? Is that it? I'm just the narrator and I already know you're a weenie. Listen to me pal, I've seen things you've never even seen before, have you ever seen a grown ass Roegadyn man in a ballerina outfit? I didn't think so..I've seen some shit.

 

 

[[ Scaled Kitten Investigations is a comedy RP-FC that takes on crime cases with a tongue-in-cheek nature to them and solves (or blunders) them with quirky methods. We style ourselves in a similar way to the Hildibrand questline and throw logic out the window with our playful roleplay. Examples include: Firing Au Ra out of cannons, villainous Lalafell masterminds escaping in flying houses, dance-off’s with fatal consequences, armies of Allagan cloned maids attempting to take over the world, mysterious professional wrestlers, and many more shenanigans. At Scaled Kitten, we play the role of judge, jury, and executioner with our private courtroom that is 100% legally certified. Scaled Kitten also runs a newspaper known as the Speedy Speedwagon, a prize winning golden standard on the cutting edge of malicious tabloid journalism. It is our belief that there simply is not enough comedy in the Balmung roleplay community, and we seek to remedy that by cooperating with other free companies that are interested in this variety of humorous storytelling. You supply the idea and how you want the case to end, and we will conduct the “investigation” in our usual style. Please understand we may refuse if we feel the tone does not fit what we do. While we won’t object to things like murder mysteries or other grisly crimes, please be aware we won’t approach the matter with a serious tone. We look forward to meeting like minded individuals that have a thirst for adventure while not wanting the grimdark tone that accompanies typical roleplay. ]]

[Chompie]

Ever since I first heard vague whisperings of Eorzea's greatest detective setting up shop in the Goblet...

 

I've been waiting for this!

[I'nia Emi]

Ever since I first heard vague whisperings of Eorzea's greatest detective setting up shop in the Goblet...

 

I've been waiting for this!

Who told you this? Was it one eyed Marvin? Two toes Timmy? I swear to Hydaelyn if they told you anything else none of it is true. I mean how the hells was I supposed to know not every ship flies?!