Working On Character Sheet; Critique Welcome ^_^

[CausticLullaby]

((Hello everyone! I'm new to the Balmung server as well as FFXIV RPing and FF in general, but I wanted to get in on the RP-wagon since it's something I've enjoyed doing in the past. I also managed to post this in the wrong section of the forum like the derp that I am, so this is a repost and the original has been removed. <_<;

 

I was working on a character sheet to base my wiki around and was hoping for some critique/pointers since I'm still learning the lore for the game. Is this character plausible? Is the background feasible? Etc. Is the CS itself a mess or does it read smoothly? Any feed-back is good feed-back! ))

 

Data File: NR6-3258U

[align=center]Restricted Access[/align]

 

[align=center]For official use ONLY. 

Do not redistribute without authorization.[/align]

 

(For access to redacted information Clearance Level 1 is required.)

 

 

-----SUBJECT FILE-----

--Enclosed Picture goes here--

 

 

 

 

Identification Code: ALMH-D1623-A2467

Name: Dei jen Angura

Birth Name: Dei Angura

Known Titles: Madam Dei, The Lost Cleric, The Prodigal, The Ivory Shade

Physical Age Approximation: 37

True Age: Unknown

Gender: Female

Race: Wildwood Elezen

Height: 6ft

Country of Origin: Gridania

Place of Acquirement: Ala Mhigo

Division: Intelligence

Assignment: Data Procurement - Specialization

Current Location:

 

 

Known Associate(s): The Matriarch: Full Name -

 

 

==========================================

Subject Personality Profile:

Disclaimer: Subject is fully capable of altering her apparent personality to fit different situations in order to attain an outcome that she wants. Given her high capacity for acting it is highly difficult to properly analyse this subject’s true personality and intentions.

 

In the subject’s current assignment she is polite and well-spoken, though not above cursing when the situation calls for it. She is friendly, though inclined toward sarcasm and passive aggressiveness. She is also protective of those considered to be “under her care.”

 

In all appearances this subject is stubborn, but loyal to the Empire. She is highly intelligent and manipulative. When given missions she completes them with no discernable mercy or guilt. None-the-less, the subject still appears to want to help people and has been known to heal others that she encounters at random.

 

 

Note: She has often professed a hatred for Gridanians that did not exist when she was first attained, though the cause is unknown.

 

 

==========================================

Subject History Known: Subject was found in Ala Mhigo healing the wounded from both sides of the battle. Captain took her into custody and upon questioning he stated that she said, “I’m sick of politics. I just try to help where I can.”

 

 

Subject was taken to a re-purposing camp in where she began the indoctrination process. After several months she caught the attention of The Matriarch, a secretive practitioner of the darker arts commonly known as Black Magic. turned the subject over to The Matriarch for further training and indoctrination. Within a year she was returned, and after thorough character analysis, was assigned to the Intelligence Division.  

 

 

Subject History Conjecture: Subject was likely raised by the Conjurer's Guild located in Old Gridania. Given her distinctive skin-tone it is unlikely that she was born of the sect of Elezen that occupy most of Gridania, and it can be assumed she was left in the city as an orphan; her lack of information on any relatives supports this theory.

 

 

==========================================

Important Subject Information:

 

 

DO NOT TERMINATE SUBJECT WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL.

 

 

Abilities: Due to the subject’s training in Conjury and her natural affinity for the darker schools of magic conflicting against each other she is capable of using both Conjurer and Black Mage abilities, but her ability to use either types of magic is severely hindered without great concentration on her part. She is completely incapable of casting “Raise” or any other light skill past its first level, and her dark attack spells are weaker than they should be given her born affinity. The subject has worked over the years to refine her own style of fighting that minimizes her weaknesses, and she is not above fighting dirty (often resorting to misdirection and sneak-attacks).

 

 

She has managment skills, is able to cook common foods, mend damaged clothing, and knows how to read and complete the basic maths required to run a business. She also has a particular affinity for poisons and is adept at using them.

 

 

==========================================

 

 

((The following information is restricted to OOC for now))

 

 

Dei is working undercover to attain information in Ul’dah as the owner of Wayside Tavern located in a sketchy part of town. She treats her employees fairly, and keeps the Tavern well secured despite its location. The tavern officially functions as an inn and pub which rents out rooms at rates that range from hourly to weekly (think anything from a “love hotel” to an extended stay hotel with kitchens built in etc. for people that can’t keep up with month to month rent). ‘Unofficially’ Dei is the Madam for a rather large group of down-on-their-luck individuals who are willingly working as prostitutes. Even more unofficially Dei runs a back-room healing clinic for anyone that doesn’t have money to pay reputable healers. She only charges what she feels the person is capable of paying (often healing for free). Occasionally she has had well-off, but shady individuals try to take advantage of this and charged them through the nose for her services.

[Sounsyy]

I didn't see anything that jumped out at me as implausible on the first read through. There were a couple of things I wanted to ask about/clarify in regards to lore and continuity.

 

1- Character's name. I have nothing against Dei Angura, but given this is a Garlean military document, it is likely that they would refer to this person by her Garlean name and title. Considering she's a healer, perhaps Dei jen Angura, "jen" being the title given to Garlean medicus. Alternatively, being captured from an annexed territory and having served fewer than twenty years in the military, she might still possess the "aan" title, if she hasn't been promoted to an actual medicus?

 

More on Garlean military, ranks, titles, and enhancements can be found in this thread on Garlean military lore.

 

2- Continuity clarification? This quote had me double take:

Subject was found in Ala Mhigo healing the wounded from both sides of the battle. Captain took her into custody and upon questioning he stated that she said, “I’m sick of politics. I just try to help where I can.”

 

Which battle? Is this one made up for backstory purposes or is this a reference to Garlemald's takeover of Ala Mhigo?

 

If the first, that's fine, just know that Garlemald has had complete control over Ala Mhigo for twenty years now and that most of the Ala Mhigan Resistance has gone underground since before the Calamity due to extensive losses and being unable to smuggle fighters into or out of the city-state for several years now thanks to the massive Cermet Wall built around the city. So any such fighting would've been an inside riot, making your character's Gridanian heritage difficult if she hadn't been smuggled into the city as a young child.

 

If the latter, Ala Mhigo fell to Garlemald swiftly, with very little bloodshed at first, roughly 20 years ago. Your character would have been much too young to have taken part. That is not to say she couldn't have been a Resistance fighter much later and taken part in a battle then, but it'd have been unlikely to have taken place within the city-state itself, but somewhere in Gyr Abania is plausible.

 

More lore on Ala Mhigo, the Resistance, and the timeline of Garlemald's annexation can be found in this Ala Mhigo Lore Compilation.

 

 

So some questions to ask yourself and clarify in your backstory would be,

How long has my character been with the Garleans? Her training and indoctrination says about a year or so, then further down it says she's spent years trying to practice and work out her weaknesses. Implying she's been an agent for some time?

 

Considering her age, where would she have gotten captured? This kinda ties into the first. How long she's been a Garlean may determine where she might have gotten captured. If it was five years ago, a more likely venue would've been in the weeks following the Battle of Carteneau. Its unlikely she would've been taken during the battle as it was against the half-crazed and zealotous VIIth Legion, which is now all destroyed and was abandoned by the Empire to die. But in the days following Carteneau, the XIVth Legion aggressively launched attacks on Eorzean soil, taking advantage of fleeing Alliance forces.

 

 

Hope this helps! ^^

[CausticLullaby]

Considering her age, where would she have gotten captured?

Whoops... I guess I wasn't clear enough, she appears to be 25 years old physically, but due to elezen aging more slowly than other races she's actually older than that. I wasn't specific about her actual age because I'm not entirely sure how much slower they age. I was debating about putting her physical/apparent age closer to thirty because of this, but in the end I just ran with it.

 

That being what it is, I figured it would be plausible that she was captured at or around the original battle.

 

 Also, good call on the titles! I'd probably say Dei jen Angura.

[Jana]

The Elezen aging difference isn't as pronounced as it is in other high fantasy settings like LotR; an Elezen might be a teenager until 21 and live until 100-ish as opposed to the 80-ish of other races. This is also common knowledge among the other races so a young-adultish Elezen being in their 30s won't be much of a shocker.

[Nero]

Looks pretty good for the most part.

 

Few things to note.

 

The data and classification part of the format is pretty neat and adds to the "data file" type feel of the profile, but I'd avoid rigidly sticking to the terminology and the acronyms for the sake of flexibility. I'd edit it slightly to the following:

 

Data File: NR6-3258U

[align=center]Restricted Access[/align]

 

[align=center]For official use ONLY. 

Do not redistribute without authorization.[/align]

 

It more or less delivers the same information and feel but does not limit you to sticking your guns to terminology or acronyms that other characters/players may not agree with.

 

As for the titles, it's a little confusing to see them when there is little to no indication as to how she earned them, where she earned them, or who calls her by these numerous titles. It might be best to omit that information from the profile for now. Also, if she's a covert agent highly skilled in infiltration, having a reputation as such might be considered counter-productive.

 

Those are just nitpicks though, so I really wouldn't worry about them.

 

Besides that, I don't see any other issues with it, and I do enjoy seeing the SCP-style [REDACTED] appear on a profile.

[CausticLullaby]

The Elezen aging difference isn't as pronounced as it is in other high fantasy settings like LotR; an Elezen might be a teenager until 21 and live until 100-ish as opposed to the 80-ish of other races. This is also common knowledge among the other races so a young-adultish Elezen being in their 30s won't be much of a shocker.

 

Hmm... definitely good to know. I suppose that would put her more around the range of 34-39 then.

[CausticLullaby]

 

As for the titles, it's a little confusing to see them when there is little to no indication as to how she earned them, where she earned them, or who calls her by these numerous titles. It might be best to omit that information from the profile for now. Also, if she's a covert agent highly skilled in infiltration, having a reputation as such might be considered counter-productive.

 

Besides that, I don't see any other issues with it, and I do enjoy seeing the SCP-style [REDACTED] appear on a profile.

 

 

You definitely have a point with the specific acronym terminology, I was getting a little too gung-ho there I think.

 

As far as the less obvious titles go I was thinking more along the lines that they were titles that they know through research to be referring to her. More of a rumour mill sort of thing than anything official. This doesn't necessarily mean that the general citizenry associates her with these titles.

 

Given that you were thrown off by them though, I may just make them part of the OOC/Reference section instead of part of the file.

 

I'm glad you enjoyed the overall style, it's a fun one and makes it necessary to think about what would be known by whoever wrote the file. It also makes it easier to have a more simplified profile when it comes to backstory.