Feedback needed please

[mutanttaco]

 

Hey haven't been in the rp scene in forever so wanted to get back. Does my characters background make sense or need improvements? Let me know ^^

 

 

Opal was a bright cunning girl as a child. She learned how to make clothing from her mother, and fight with a sword from her father.  Her attitude and true personality made her unpopular with other kids, lowering her self esteem, taking on a fake personality to be more loved. She also had the ability to manipulate aether. This power would overwhelm her and cause accidents so she kept it hidden most of the time.

 

At the age of 10, She was helping her mother set up a kiosk in a nearby bustling town when one day a man tried scamming her mother out of her best works. Annoyed, Opal tripped up his leg causing him to fall, demanding he leave. Only to have the same trick done seconds later by the man. Turning out to be a red mage, he admired her spunk and raw power in aether manipulation. He offered to pass on his knowledge in return for the outfits. Opal spent the second half of her training in Eorzea, since her mentor “missed the scantily clad Miqo'te”.

 

She learned to control her aether and the aether around her sufficiently enough however since most of her training centered around aether, and little training with the rapier. She has a hard time adjusting to a rapier considering her previous training with a basic sword from her father. Due to her impatience she can easily summon powerful spells but also struggles with her aim. Making her more effective in close combat. While she rarely dabbles in mercenary work due to her unpredictable skill, she's more comfortable at scamming and occasionally working on clothing for clients.

[Damien]

I gave it a read through and here's what I think for whatever it's worth

 

It'd be helpful to have a better idea of where it is she's growing up and where this is all happening. If it were in somewhere like occupied Ala Mhigo, for example, running a kiosk in a bustling town couldn't really happen. If it were in Ishgard, until relatively recently, outsiders from the other city-states couldn't really access the city, so no Red Mages could get inside. If she also spent the second half of her training in Eorzea, where was the first half spent? Somewhere like Othard?

 

Anyways - for the first part about Opal adopting a sort of fake personality, I guess I wonder the relevance of how that plays out for the rest of her story. It's mentioned that it happens, but not much on what it changes or how it affects her beyond making her fit in a little more.

 

Secondly, and this is just me thinking - but surely it'd take more than what it did there to convince a wandering red mage to devote his time to training a pupil, even with her capacity for manipulating aether. I think this could be a good way to bring in that fake personality side of her, though. It'd seem more genuine and convincing if he was able to tell she wasn't being honest with herself - and then she opens up to him. Maybe finally being able to talk about the things she likes with someone raises her self-esteem again. Because of that, maybe the Red Mage sees a little of himself in her, maybe starts off teaching her little things about how to manage her accidental outbursts of magic. Maybe then it's when he notices her potential, and by then he wants to help her through teaching. 

 

Finally as for the training and her skills, I don't think it makes much sense that she'd receive little training with the rapier with most of it centering around aether manipulation, since red mages are pretty much all about combining the two.. but it could be that she just doesn't have an easy time with the rapier and maybe neglects to practice it as much because of that.

[Garrison]

I think Damien asked the big questions about the setting and the personality stuff, so really there's only one point I want to make for consideration.

 

From the little amount to go off in the original post, it sounds like you are treating aether like a super power, or how a Jedi uses the Force. Manipulating aether is the very definition of magic. Using it in its various forms is what makes the world go round, and the different schools of magic are basically separated by how they use it. You mention that she learns how to control the aether around her as a red mage, but the entire reason for the birth of red magic was to not use external aether. After the War of the Magi and everyone sucking up the planet's aether to do crazy stuff, Red Mages were born to use magic fueled by their personal reservoirs of aether, amplifying its power through their weapons. Just something to keep in mind if you want to tie your character into the Red Mages. If you want to use ultimate cosmic power, you could look into something like Black Mage. Their whole thing is using aether from around them to fuel big spells to make things disappear.

[mutanttaco]

haha this is sweet! thanks so much for the help ^^