Ask the Phoenix [OPEN IC Advice Column]

[Askier]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I must know, which came first:  the chocobo or the egg?

 

- Askier

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I must know, which came first:  the chocobo or the egg?

 

- Askier

 

Dear Askier,

 

The egg. I had it for breakfast and chocobo for lunch.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[GloryRhodes]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I bought this rag hoping for a laugh, but it made me cry.  How do I get my money back from Ul'Dah's worst newspaper?

 

Sincerely,

Not A Writer For Tonberry's Lantern

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I bought this rag hoping for a laugh, but it made me cry.  How do I get my money back from Ul'Dah's worst newspaper?

 

Sincerely,

Not A Writer For Tonberry's Lantern

 

Dear Not a Writer,

 

Use the paper to dry your tears and you can consider your money well spent.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

 

P.S. What in the hells is this Tonberry's Lantern? Never heard of it.

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I sometimes have to watch my little brother when my mother and father go out to run errands but he hurts himself by falling down a lot. I'm tired of having to bandage his scraped knees and elbows. What should I do?

 

Little Big Sister

 

==========

 

Dear Little Big Sister,

 

The next time your darling and precocious little brother decides to hurt himself, just tell him this:

 

'Sack up and play hurt, pissy-pants.'

 

My dear brother told me that every time I injured myself, including the time I broke my arm by falling out of a tree. Suffice it to say, I learned quickly to either be more careful or apply my own bandages.

 

Signed, 

 

The Phoenix

[Steel Wolf]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I have something of a comfortable problem on my hands...but a problem nonetheless.

 

As a sellsword, I have handed my contact information out to a great deal of individuals. Roaming the realm and offering my strength at arms requires one to be comfortable with offering a smile and a level of personal information with complete strangers, along with taking the names of same for later contact. However, over the course of my travels, I have come to realize that the list of names I have collected has become foreign to me. A great deal of them remain on my personal list for reasons that elude me entirely, and it would not do much for my personal reputation were I to reach out to each individual person to remind myself why they are a part of my contacts.

 

Do you have any suggestions for me to work my way out of this rather embarrassing situation?

 

Signed,

Bad With Names

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I have something of a comfortable problem on my hands...but a problem nonetheless.

 

As a sellsword, I have handed my contact information out to a great deal of individuals.  Roaming the realm and offering my strength at arms requires one to be comfortable with offering a smile and a level of personal information with complete strangers, along with taking the names of same for later contact.  However, over the course of my travels, I have come to realize that the list of names I have collected has become foreign to me.  A great deal of them remain on my personal list for reasons that elude me entirely, and it would not do much for my personal reputation were I to reach out to each individual person to remind myself why they are a part of my contacts.

 

Do you have any suggestions for me to work my way out of this rather embarrassing situation?

 

Signed,

Bad With Names

 

Dear Bad With Names,

 

Where to even begin with this one. This is a huge problem with many a sellsword--even I myself had this problem for several years when it came to letters and contacts within the 'exciting' world of advice column work. To get out of the situation with your dignity intact is very simple;

 

If you haven't contacted them in so many moons and they have not done likewise then obviously, you're not in a place to feel ashamed. In fact, it's a prime opportunity to make yourself feel very important! By contacting them, you could always drop the ever popular, 'Oh, I'm just SO popular and SO called upon that I couldn't POSSIBLY be expected to remember EVERYONE,' line. This works incredibly well for business purposes and, if worded properly, can make the customer (i.e. you contractors and fellow-sell swords) feel as if they are wasting YOUR time by not getting in contact with you more often.

 

Or, I suppose, if you want to go for the more civil way of doing things, you could very politely contact them and say something along the lines of 'Hello. I once worked with you concerning some mercenary job or other and I still have your information. Do you have any further need of my services in the near future?' You could also substitute the latter phrase with things like, 'For the sake of my records, do you recall the exact details of the job in question?' or something similar. At least in that case, you're being tactful and avoiding the social blunder of looking like an uncaring rube.

 

I prefer the former of the two, though, since it leaves the one on the receiving end questioning their life choices as to why they aren't NEARLY as popular as you apparently are.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[Steel Wolf]

Sorry for the thread spam. Just had another idea arrive and I HAD to reply again. I'll step back I promise. Sorreh. ; ;

 

 

Dear Phoenix,

 

I am at a loss in a problem of an amorous nature, and I fear you are the only person with whom I can discuss this matter to. Ideally, this would be in private, but it is my hope that my own experience is maybe shared and so your advice reaches ears not unlike mine own.

 

I have fallen hopelessly in love with a woman. A serving girl from a tavern. Her smile dazzles the eyes, her voice entrances like a flock of sirens and her eyes command your attention whenever one is fortunate enough to have them fall upon your countenance.

 

The problem I have, however, isn't one of shyness, but of size. I am a very large Roegadyn, and she a petite and porcelain Lalafell.

 

Would that I could whisk her to my bedchamber in my hand and please her as a woman of her beauty demands to be pleased! Alas, I fear that my ministrations would literally smother the flower...or do significantly worse harm to regions that should be admired and adored.

 

I beseech you, as a man whose heart and loins both ache. Help me display my love to her without splitting the doll in half!

 

Signed,

Loving Yet Large

[ZindelloTarantella]

Sorry for the thread spam. Just had another idea arrive and I HAD to reply again.  I'll step back I promise.  Sorreh. ; ;

 

 

 

Dear Phoenix,

 

I am at a loss in a problem of an amorous nature, and I fear you are the only person with whom I can discuss this matter to.  Ideally, this would be in private, but it is my hope that my own experience is maybe shared and so your advice reaches ears not unlike mine own.

 

I have fallen hopelessly in love with a woman.  A serving girl from a tavern.  Her smile dazzles the eyes, her voice entrances like a flock of sirens and her eyes command your attention whenever one is fortunate enough to have them fall upon your countenance.

 

The problem I have, however, isn't one of shyness, but of size.  I am a very large Roegadyn, and she a petite and porcelain Lalafell.

 

Would that I could whisk her to my bedchamber in my hand and please her as a woman of her beauty demands to be pleased!  Alas, I fear that my ministrations would literally smother the flower...or do significantly worse harm to regions that should be admired and adored.  

 

I beseech you, as a man whose heart and loins both ache.  Help me display my love to her without splitting the doll in half!

 

Signed,

Loving Yet Large

 

Dear Loving Yet Large,

 

 

Just lie back and think of Coerthas.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I have only seen 10 winters and my father said that when I saved enough gil I could guy anything I wanted.

 

All my life I have wanted to own a pet opo-opo. I have saved 140 gil. I asked my father if I could buy a pet opo-opo and he said no, because I wouldn't know how to take care of it. My mother is the fussy type. You know, everything has to be just so. Do you know anyone who has a pet op-oopo that could give me advice?

 

Signed,

 

Wants an Opo-opo

 

 

Dear Wants an Opo-Opo,

 

I have owned an Opo-opo at one time when I was young and while I did love having him around, I found quickly that they typically don't like having people that aren't also opo-opos around. Rest assured, you would, like myself, likely get rid of the thing the first time it throws something that is very much not a lump of rotten fruit at you.

 

I recommend a coeurl kitten instead.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix