Charater Feedback?

[CrimsonMars]

Is there a place were I can receive feedback for the characters I created to make sure they are constant with the lore and such?

 

I already have a rough-draft for my main character's profile and have plans of making another. I would like to make sure her background makes sense before I throw her out in the world.

[Ildur]

There are quite a few threads requesting feedback on character concepts using this very same sub-forum.

[CrimsonMars]

Really? I thought there would at least be a thread about that, lol.

 

So should I just show you what I've got?

[Khaine]

Yeah, I am interested in reading what you got.

[CrimsonMars]

Here it is. I'm think about changing her name as well.

 

 

Name: Chiyo Yami

Nickname: Chi

Age: 20

Gender: Female

Race: Miqo'te, Seeker of the Sun

Appearance:

-Skin: Darkish

-Eyes: Red

-Hair: Short, but spiky, purple.

-Build: Athletic

-Height: 5'7

-Tail: Medium-long (but often wipedaround her waist while she's active)

Birthplace: Exact birthplace isunknown, but was raised somewhere in Sagolii Desert.

Birth date: Uncertain

Family: Raised by Hellsguardsmost of her life. She does not know her imitate family.

-Sightless Sunrise

-Starry Laurel

(both are siblings)

 

Favored class/job (in order):Pugilist, Lancer, Conjurer

Personally: Outgoing, confident,and courageous. She is willing to stick up for her friends and those around her. She's willing to accept most challenges, but is sometimes careless and overestimates herself.

Sexuality: Bisexual, butstrongly favors females.

Background: Chi has no memory ofher real parents. She was found by a pair of Roegadyns, a brother and a sister, though despite this, Chi tends to call them mother and father. Throughout her child and teen years, she was taught the basics of hunting and gathering by her 'parents.' Sightless and Starry. It was then on that she took up martial arts and learn the ways of a pugilist. Once she was old enough, she set out on her own in hopes of making a name for herself, perhaps becoming one of the strongest, but also hopes of finding out the truth about her real parents.

Likes: Hunting, sparring, Food(she really likes to eat), Parties, riding chocobos.

Dislikes: Being provoked,cowardliness, having her tail pulled.

 

[Falkner]

Ohohoho! A Miqo'te who really likes to eat! Sounds like a fun feline if we meet in game, especially if it's in a food stall or something, we could start some commotion.

oh and what is exactly gonna happens if her tail is pulled... let's say, intentionally?

 

The shortened "Chi" for her name is cutesy enough if it fits your concept of her.

Maybe you could build around it for a more lore-friendly name if it's what you want?

 

About the tail, wasn't Miqo'te's tail contributes to the race's sense of balance? Does it gimps her in a way if her tail is wrapped around the waist instead?

[Ildur]

Well, the background is a bit bareboned, but nothing life-threatening or extremely lore disrupting.

 

You might want to come up for a reason for her current name. Other characters might think it's strange for someone to not follow conventions and ask about it, so it's best for you to prepare to have an IC reason for it. Being raised for Roegadyn would work well if the name followed Roegadyn conventions. But since that is not the case, you'll have to come with something else.

 

These are some questions that sprung to mind when reading the bio. While it's not imperative for you to have answers for all or any of them, I think you should ponder about them. They will help you flesh her history a bit more:

 

-Where did she and her foster family live? Was it in the city, a village? In the wilderness? And if so, was there any civilization close by?

-Were they part of a larger community, like a clan or a village? If so, can you describe it briefly?

-What do her foster parents do for a living?

-Where did she learn martial arts? Is she self-taught? Did she had a teacher? And if she had, who was he? Is he significant?

-How and why did she lose her memory? (You don't need to write this in the public biography, but you should know the answer)

-Who are her real parents? Is it significant who they were? IE. do you intend, as a player, for it to ever come up?

[Khaine]

Well, the background is a bit bareboned, but nothing life-threatening or extremely lore disrupting.

 

You might want to come up for a reason for her current name. Other characters might think it's strange for someone to not follow conventions and ask about it, so it's best for you to prepare to have an IC reason for it. Being raised for Roegadyn would work well if the name followed Roegadyn conventions. But since that is not the case, you'll have to come with something else.

 

These are some questions that sprung to mind when reading the bio. While it's not imperative for you to have answers for all or any of them, I think you should ponder about them. They will help you flesh her history a bit more:

 

-Where did she and her foster family live? Was it in the city, a village? In the wilderness? And if so, was there any civilization close by?

-Were they part of a larger community, like a clan or a village? If so, can you describe it briefly?

-What do her foster parents do for a living?

-Where did she learn martial arts? Is she self-taught? Did she had a teacher?  And if she had, who was he? Is he significant?

-How and why did she lose her memory? (You don't need to write this in the public biography, but you should know the answer)

-Who are her real parents? Is it significant who they were? IE. do you intend, as a player, for it to ever come up?

 

He has a point as far as the naming convention and pretty much everything he stated. Since she is seeker you could use the Letter followed by ' . Given she would actually know her birth name it would give clues as to which tribe to track down to maybe learn the truth. If she did not know her name she might have fallen under the Hellsguard naming convention. This is something you might want to consider given how she would of obtained the name she uses.

[CrimsonMars]

It was hard for me to find a Sun Seeker name that I actually like, but I guess I'll try again, maybe merge my original name with the new one.

 

I'll try my best to answer these questions by adding more to her profile. Hopefully, it'll turn out better.

[Havoc Snow]

http://fandango.exp.jp/name-generator.php

 

Here's a link that might help you a little with coming up with a name for your Sunseeker.

[CrimsonMars]

I've reworked Chiyo's history quite a bit. I hope it makes more sense to you.

 

 

Name: Chiyo Hoshi

Orginally: C'sonjha Hoshi

Nickname: Chi

Age: 20

Gender: Female

Race: Miqo'te, Seeker of the Sun

Appearance:

-Skin: Darkish

-Eyes: Red

-Hair: Short, but spiky, purple.

-Build: Athletic

-Height: 5'7

-Tail: Medium-long (but often wiped around her waist while she's active)

Birthplace: Born in Limsa Lominsa, but raised in the deserts of Aldenard.

Birth date: Uncertain

Family: Adopted and raised by Hellsguards most of her life. Her real parents died when she was around the age of 3. Her father fell ill before she was even born while her mother died in battle when fighting the Garlean Empire.

 

-Sightless Sunrise: A roegadyn monk that adopted Chi just before her mother died.

-Starry Laurel: The sister of Sightlessand one of Chiyo's guardians.

 

Favored class/job (in order):

Pugilist, Lancer, Conjurer

Personally: Outgoing, confident,and courageous. She is willing to stick up for her friends and those around her. She's willing to accept most challenges, but is sometimes careless and overestimates herself. She rarely gets too angry, but when she does...

Sexuality: Bisexual, but strongly favors females, in a way.

 

Background History:

V'ebaloh Hoshi had her duties as an Eorzean solider to protect her home, and as a mother to protect her daughter. Nearly two months after the birthday of C'sonjha Hoshi, she requested that her Roegadyn friend, Sightless Sunrise, would take care of her for the time being just before her next mission. It was later that V'ebaloh Hoshi was confirmed 'killed in action,' by a surprised Garlean attack.

 

Ever since, Sightless had raised the young Miqo'te with the help of his sister, Starry Laurel, changing her name to Chiyo Hoshi.

 

Throughout her childhood, Sightless and Starry had taught Chi the ways of fighting and hunting. At first, it was difficult for her. Her guardians were strict and sometimes even harsh with her. At the time, Chiyo was somewhat of a cry-baby and often wished to be with her real parents. But Sightless intended for her to be strong. Eventually, he told her the tragic truth about her mother's demise, which slowly drove Chiyo to be more determined. She was mostly trained in the ways of the pugilist. Sightless was a monk while Starry was a warrior.

 

Chiyo had significantly less eduction than usual, barely at a middle school level. Outside of physical training, she was taught basic crafting and socialized with few friends. Chiyo was mostly home-schooled by Starry though it was slightly less significant than that of her training. As she progressed, her guardians became more outgoing in her pre-teen and teen years, allowing her a more 'carefree' personality.

 

Ataround the age of 18, Chiyo had set off on her own in hopes of furthering her training and see how strong she can get, and perhaps one day, avenge her mother.

 

Likes: Hunting, sparring, food(she really likes to eat), parties, riding chocobos.

Dislikes: Being provoked,cowardliness, having her tail pulled.

 

 

 

On a side note, how does anyone feel about ex-Garlean Empire members? (regarding my second character)

[Ildur]

That's much better. Allow me to give you this brownie of approval!

 

I will point you out to the very useful 100 questions thread here. Do not feel like you must answer any or all of them; it's hardly needed and they are a lot of questions. I'm just linking it here because many of them will make you think about things you probably wouldn't ponder about otherwise. Just don't try to answer them all on one day; take your time to ponder about the answers. You could also skip questions if you think they don't add any depth to your character.

It's a good thought exercise, even if you chose not to answer them at all.

 

About ex-garleans: it depends on how you justify their background. If you are going for a deserter, you'll want to consider that garlean military training is very harsh and designed to make zealots for the empire. You might want to go for a civilian instead, since, while they are likely subject to imperial propaganda anyway, it would be on a lesser degree.

It's different if you go for a garlean spy: someone who has lived in Eorzean society for a long time might be able to get past the imperial preconceptions (thanks to personal experiences and the lack of ideological propaganda) and decide that the Empire is actually a bad thing.

[CrimsonMars]

Thanks. Glad it turned out decent.

 

Is it possible for that said character to be an Elezen? Seeing as how they are the natives in Eorzea, I'd imagine it would be pretty weird.

[Ildur]

Back in 1.0, you could see garlean mooks of various races, so I wouldn't worry about his race at all. I think one of their high ranking officers, the leader of a whole Legion, was actually an elezen, so you are good on it. It is implied, though, that garleans might have a predominant Hyur population (because garlean Hyur mooks are more plentiful than mooks of other races).

[CrimsonMars]

Oh yeah, I was actually thinking she might have been exiled in some way. Would that be good?

[CrimsonMars]

Here's my Elezen character:

 

 

Name: Sinette Leclerc

Originally: Sofine Guerre

Nickname: Sin

Age: 23

Gender: Female

Race: Elezen, Duskwight

Appearance: Under Constitution

Birthplace: Garlemald

Birth date: TBD

Family:

-Father: Josseloux Guerre (Deceased)

-Mother: Faine Guerre (Deceased)

 

Favored class/job: Arcanist (both Summoner and Scholar), Thaumaturge, Conjurer (generally prefers magic with the exception of Archer)

Personality: Usually mild-mannered and elegant, but can come off arrogant and blunt at times. She is fairly intelligent through her education and has a willingness to learn. She secretly holds a burden of being part of the Garlean Empire, and is fairly careful of keeping it a secret.

Sexuality: Closet-lesbian

 

Background History: Sofine had grow up in a fairly rich fairly. Throughout her childhood, Sofine followed strict rules by her mother and father, behaving in a certain manner, only speak when stoking to, and bowing to her superiors. Generally speaking, her parents were controlling, and delivered reasonable, but harsh punishments should she misbehaves, sometimes even slightly.

 

Sofine didn't have a lot of friends growing up. She was strictly home-schooled under a private tutor as well as her parents until her teenage years were she went to school in hopes of becoming a strategist for the Garlean Empire.

 

Around her 18^th birthday, she and her parents were suddenly accused of treason after Sofine's refusal to kill an Eorzean lalafell spy that was suddenly discovered. At the time, it was difficult for Sofine to tell if he was an actual child or not, as lalafells were a minority as well as Elezens growing up. Because of this, Sofine spared him, accusing he was child, but was sentenced to execution in turn.

 

Her parents were the first to get executed and Sofine was next. During her imprisonment just before her death penalty, the same lalafell spy managed to help her escape as a token of his gratitude via teleportation. He later explain to her the benefit of leaving the Garlean Empire and that he was actually much older than her.

 

Duringthe years of her escape, Sofine changed her name to Sinette Leclerc and wondered aimlessly inthe lands of Hydaelyn briefly before eventually arriving to Eorzea in hope's of a fresh start, knowing that it was originally her enemy. From then on, she slowly realize the error of Garlean's ways and hopes that they will be corrected, as well as discovering Eorzea's true culture.

 

Likes: Dueling, reading, socializing to an extent, fashion, challenges, magic, girls (secretly)

Dislike: Her past, uncivilized behavior, Garlean in general, being forced to tank, crudely flirtatious men

 

[Ildur]

Officialy, Ala Mhigo was conquered by the garleans 20 years ago. It is stated that Ala Mhigan children are sent off the city for military training and heavily brainwashed to serve the Empire. This would mean that Sofine wouldn't have spent much time with her parents at all.

You can solve this in a couple of ways. The first one is making her older for about 12 years (so that she is outside of 'adoctrination' age). The second is to move them to the garlean mainland (I forgot the name), but lore about how life is there is bare-boned. Not that it matters much, though. Just use some generalizations and avoid talking about everyday life or how tidy/untidy the cities were.

 

You should also have an answer of why she and her parents were accused (and found guilty) of treason. It doesn't have to be anything complicated. Maybe her parent refused or failed to comply some higher up order, or maybe an overzealous officer was angry at her for not responding his romantic advancements and took revenge by planting evidence and whatnot.

I would also change being exiled to 'escaped execution' or 'escaped during her parents execution'. The reason for this is that most military cultures threat treason as a very, very big deal punished by death. It makes sense in the case of the garleans, too, because they wouldn't want their soldiers to spill details about how their military, training or technology works.

[CrimsonMars]

Thanks for your help. I'll be sure to make the necessary changes when I get a chance.

 

I figured she would only be exiled because she was a minor at the time, lol.

[CrimsonMars]

I added into her lore and had her change her name. I hope it makes more sense now.