A Broken Mind and a New Life (Semi-closed)

[Guest Ragnar]

((Closed except to those in the Red Wings or would have reason to be in their HQ. This thread is mostly a way to play out the changes in Alexei as the conditioning that left him emotionless deteriorates.))

 

The air was cold. The harsh heat of Thanalan’s day had given way to the chill of night.

 

Alexei opened his eyes, it was dark and silent, save for the faint sound of breathing coming from another part of the room. He blinked and propped himself up on his elbows, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the gloom. It took a moment, but he remembered where he was. He was in the basement of the Red Wings headquarters, Kahn’a had asked that Alexei move here while he recovered. Shapes began to form out of the black as he became accustomed to the darkness; a table to his right, four chairs, the rest of the room came into focus.

 

Reaching behind him, Alexei grabbed the rolled up coat he’d been using as a pillow against the hard floor. It was cold, but that did not bother him, he was used to discomfort. Alexei slowly got to his feet, a task made more difficult by his left leg refusing to work. He stared down at the leg and prodded it with a finger. He felt nothing. It had been almost a week since a bullet had entered his skull, the lost motor control and sensation in his leg had not improved. He frowned, it was likely a permanent effect of the brain damage.

 

The hyur took a moment to steady himself, then silently walked across the room to the source of breathing. Alexei stopped next to a table, on it lay a miqo’te, sleeping soundly. He looked down at Askier and laid his coat atop the man, taking care not to disturb his slumber. The night was cold, he did not want Askier to get sick. Alexei turned and limped over to a wall, sitting down with his back resting against it. Looking back at Askier he pondered the man. His responsibility. Yes, but more than that. Friend? Perhaps, Askier had told him he was. Alexei frowned again. Could he even have a friend? Unknown. It had been years since he had felt anything, and then he’d met Askier.

 

Their first meeting had been like many of Alexei’s interactions with the people of Eorzea up to that point, he had tried to kill Askier. Everything had changed after that. He had become Askier’s caretaker after he’d been tortured. A strange relationship had grown out of that. Askier now smiled at him, called him friend, had even hugged him. Alexei continued to watch the sleeping miqo’te. He felt something when around Askier. He was not sure what though, he couldn’t remember how emotions felt. Alexei shut his eyes and shook his head, then opening his eyes again. It did not matter. Alexei was a tool. Tools do not have friends. He had a purpose to fulfill, to serve.

 

A muscle in his left leg twitched. He looked down at it. Did it even matter what his purpose was anymore? Since his injury he was finding it difficult to concentrate. His left leg sometimes did not work, his other muscles occasionally had spasms as his damaged brain misfired. Sometimes he'd temporarily become unaware of his surroundings. He’d even had a seizure. Alexei raised a hand to his forehead, feeling the scar from where the bullet had penetrated his skull, and thought of his future. Was he broken? Maybe, the long term damages were still unknown. Would he still be able to function well enough to be of use? Tools that broke were discarded. Would he be discarded? Alexei shook his head. He needed rest. Recovery was a long process and staying awake pondering what was to come was a waste. The future would come in due time. He just had to wait and see what it held for him. He rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

 

The air was cold, but he did not mind.

[Erik Mynhier]

Off in the far corner of the room Erik watched the two men for a bit. Pouring wine from its bottle into his glass. He let the moment pass as Alexei seemed deep in thought.

 

He had not been sure of Kahn'a's decision to keep the man here, if not for the trust in his second, he would have said something. He noted that he had become harder in the last few months, no where near as trusting as he had been. The only way he could reconcile the situation was to watch him. Not a trouble, he would be here anyway, watching over Askier. Before his time in Ishgard, he had come to genuinely like the Miqo'te as a friend. Despite the nature of their relationship, he respected the man. His cleverness, his morals, his motivation, all were things the highlander admired. He was happy to learn that he had become an ally, but part of him was sorry. Askier acted different now. Their place in the Unit had created separation. Askier "worked" for Erik now, and acted like it. He and Erik could never be the friends they were, not now.

 

He poured a second glass of wine and approached Alexei, "Here."

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei opened his eyes and looked up at the highlander towering over him. He vaguely recalled having seen the man before in Drybone. Shaking his head Alexei replied. "Thank you, but do not drink. Especially now, do not vant to reduce vhat mental capacity have left, if even momentarily." He rubbed the back of his neck, it was stiff from leaning against the wall all night. "Believe have seen you before, but do not know name. You are the captain, da?"

[Erik Mynhier]

Erik nodded, turning to his chair, lifting it and carried toward the man, he sat, setting the wine glass on the ground, "Yes I am." He looked him in the eye, "I am Erik, and you are Alexei Kahn'a tells me."

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei returns the highlander's gaze and nods, his face is impassive as ever. "Da. Am called Alexei. Thank you for letting me stay here. Is good that can keep close to Askier. Need to make sure body does not reject new arm. Please let know if object to presence. Do not vish to intrude."

[Erik Mynhier]

Erik looked over at Askier, "No. It is no problem. You saved my man I am told." He then looked back at the man, "You are a doctor yes?"

[Guest Ragnar]

Looks over at Askier for a moment then looks back and nods. "Da. Am doctor. Am other things as vell." He pauses a moment and cocks his head. "Have been informed of how know Kahn'a and Askier? Vould not vish to keep knowledge from you."

[Erik Mynhier]

Erik stood and paced a bit, like a caged coeurl, "There was a time that little passed without my knowing. But things change I suppose. You have no need to fear me. I trust Kahn'a, and the work you did for my fr.... soldier, you have earned at least a respite of suspicion." Erik sat again, tired, more so then most times. His arm aching, he growled to himself. He was to report to the Hall of Rule the next evening. He had been called to see one minister or another, that with the intelligence Warren had given Kahn'a.... skipping the meeting would be ill advised. His Sultana might need a touch of his darkness to protect her light.

 

He looked at Alexei, "So Doctor, where do you come from?"

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei's eyes followed the man as he paced back and forth, taking a mental note when Erik almost said friend instead of soldier. He looked down at his leg as it twitched involuntarily, frown slightly at it. He looked back up again to answer Erik's question. "Come from across ocean, Vest. Beyond that cannot say." He pauses a moment. "...is condition of exile. Apologies." He paused again before speaking. "Am guest here, vould like to offer services if am needed, as vay to repay hospitality."

[Erik Mynhier]

Erik stood again, heading for the stairs, "This is Eorzea my friend...." he says as he pauses beside Askier, patting his shoulder, ".... there is no shortage of injured people." He then made his way up to the front office.

[Askier]

Askier's sleep has been sound, his mind mercifully devoid of dreams of any adjective.  His right arm was wrapped around the stuff animal tightly and his curled body was warm underneath the coat.  He was content.

 

But his ears twitched and he heard distant voices.  He started to stir and the, as Erik patter his shoulder, his right eye opened and he gazed at the wall.  He blinked and then slowly rolled over.  In the dim light he saw Erik walking up the stairs and Alexei looking over.  Askier yawned and nodded.

 

"I miss anything important?"

[Guest Ragnar]

It was still dim in the basement as Alexei watches Erik ascend the stairs, disappearing to the floor above. His gaze lingers where he last saw Erik and considered the man. A familiar voice roused him from his thoughts.

 

Alexei looks over at Askier as he stirs and offers him a nod before speaking. "Have missed nothing. Vas just meeting Captain." He stands up and arcs his back as he stretches. "Hope slept vell." He finishes stretching and cocks his to one side as he watches Askier. "How are feeling? No problems vith arm?"

[Askier]

Rubbed his tired eyes with his right hand as he slowly sat up, the dim light dilating his pupils.

 

"I slept pretty well...for once."  Askier gave a sad smile and rolled his neck to the left, his bones popping audibly as he winced and then sighed.  He blinked a few times and the looked down at his left hand.  He felt nothing, but felt his shoulder tingle as he made the magitek hand wiggle each finger in turn from the thumb to the pink. 

 

"Other then the disorientation from not being able to feel anything when I move it and the weird tingle in my shoulder, nothing serious.  Should probably speak with Oria for the adjustments she told us about for it.

[Guest Ragnar]

Watches Askier move the fingers on his new arm. Alexei frowns a little bit as he considers Askier's situation.

 

"...Have idea. Exercise for improving control of arm. Might not vork, but vill not hurt to try." He limps over to the miqo'te, left leg still making walking more challenging. "Try to close eyes. Picture arm vith mind. Think only about moving finger. Create image in mind."

 

He leg buckles as his muscles relax against the wishes of his brain. Alexei resigns to sit on the floor rather than fight to control his leg. "Have theory that seeing arm just acts as point of focus. If can move arm vith just mental image, then can maybe practice until becomes unconscious action."

 

"Might not vork first few times, but should keep trying. Vill vatch arm and tell you if is movement."

[Askier]

Askier's gaze rose from his metal fingers to the limping hyur, the miqo'te flicking his ears occasionally as he listened, his fuzzy brown tail wrapping around and resting in his lap.

 

"I'm willing to try your exercise but you sure we need to be worrying about my arm when your leg is still acting up?" Askier inquired, genuine concern for his one-time-attempted-murderer-turned-friend crossing his ashen face.

[Guest Ragnar]

He shakes he head and looks up into Askier's golden eyes, contemplating the man's face. His friend's face. Yes. That sounded right.

 

"Should focus on arm. Believe part of brain controlling it vas damaged. Is nothing that can be done. Am learning to live vith." He points to Askier's hand. "Now, please try."

[Askier]

"Hells, Alexei." Askier snorted in amazement at his friend's disposition. "Everything that happens to you is just something you'll life with."

 

Askier shook his head, marvelling at the hyur's ability to shrug off physical damage with zero negativity arising. The miqo'te felt a small degree of jealousy, wishing he possessed the same mental strength to be so dismissive in regards to some of his own, personal ordeals.

 

"Alright. Lets give this exercise of yours a test.". Askier licked his lips as he looked down at his metal hand, studying the steel and the screws. He focused on his middle finger and shifted it as his eyes watched. He felt the nerves spark where the wires met flesh and bone and watched the finger move. 

 

The miqo'te took a deep breath and then closed his eyes. He tried to picture the finger in his head. He tried to simulate the sensation in his nerves. He swallowed and kept focusing. The metal hand was still.  After a few moments, Askier opened his eyes and blinked at Alexei.

 

"Anything?" Askier asked tentatively.

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei frowns a little at the motionless hand and shakes his head. "Do not see movement. Is not unexpected. Vould have been surprised if could move already." He looks up at Askier. "Still. Am sorry. Know that movement vould have made happy. Perhaps vhen talk to Oria can ask for advice."

 

The arm lies there cold and motionless, Alexei stares at it and thinks. After a moment he speaks up again.

 

"...Oria vill know more. Am not sure trust self to try and help. Sensation are feeling in shoulder must be fault of installer. Apologies. Vill refrain from doing more. Do not vish to cause more harm."

[Askier]

Ya, I was hoping it would work." Askier sighed as he looked down at the hand again and shifted the thumb slowly, the electric tingle in his muscle tissue letting him know it had worked. "But Oria said it could be years before I had full and subconscious control over the wait a moment..."

 

The miqo'te's head jerked up, fixing his gaze at Alexei as Askier gave the hyur a surprised expression. 

 

"Did you just use the words 'happy' and feel?" There was a mixture of both excitement and surprise  in the Garlean's voice as he realized he had never heard the emotionless Alexei use such words in such a context before.

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei turned his grey eyes to look at Askier and cocked his head in question. Had he used happy? Yes. But that was not unusual. Knew what emotions were, had even used word before. But why did he feel surprised when Askier told him what he'd said. Odd. Had...he cared? Alexei was silent for awhile, deep in thought. ...Yes. He had cared. Strange.

 

The grey eyes blink, they looked less cold than normal. "...Da, said happy. Vanted you to be...happy." Alexei's face broke it's normal impassive visage and he looked genuinely confused about what he had just said. His looked straight ahead and repeated himself softly, as if he was having trouble understanding what he had said.

 

"...Vanted you to be happy..."

 

He looked back up to Askier again. "...I-I don't-" His face contorted in pain and he fell back onto the floor, clutching his head.

[Askier]

Askier felt his lips pull back into a big, stupid smile, his sharp teeth dull in the dim room. His ashen cheeks were tinged a slight red in embarrassment at Alexei's words but he was delighted. The hyur had wanted him happy. His friend was exhibiting emotions. 

 

Askier's sense of jubilation died as swiftly as it had begun as the hyur suddenly looked at him and Askier felt a sense of dread wash over him as he saw the look of confusion on Alexei's face. The miqo'te's smile disappeared and hepushed himself off the table as the hyur grabbed his own head and knelt. 

 

"Nononono." Askier said flatly as he rushed to his friends aid and knelt before him. Askier let his left arm hang limp and useless as his right hand went to the side of Alexeis head and tried to tilt the man's head to look at him.

 

"Alexei its all right. Look at me, Alexei. Look at me."

 

Askier's voice was flat but his eyes were darting, revealing his unease. The last time he had seen Alexei like this the hyur had shoved a scalpel into his own hand to reinforce his 'conditioning', to bury his past and his emotions. 

 

"Come on Alexei, it's alright mate, its alright."

[Guest Ragnar]

Double post. Oops.

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei had begun shaking a bit, he looked up into his friends eyes and shook his head.

 

"...D-Do not vant to go back." His eyes were full of sorrow and regret as he pleaded with Askier. "...Please...have caused too much pain, too much death." His voice shook as he fought through the pain to speak. "Please...do not let cause more-" A sharp spike of pain interrupted him and he gasped.

 

"Do n-not vant harm anyone again." He caught his breath and looks Askier directly in the eyes, his face twitch in pain. "Cannot bear thought of harming-" The pain became too much and he shut his eyes and rolled onto his side, body twitching as the pain continued.

[Askier]

"Alexei, it's alright!."  Askier exclaimed, trying to keep his friend staring into his golden eyes.  "No one is making you go back anywhere."

 

Askier was stern, though his mind was running a thousand different ways, trying to figure out how best to calm this fit the hyur was experiencing.  When Alexei fell over onto his side, Askier leaned in, his head over the shuddering hyur as his golden optics darted around.  His right hand went on Alexei's shoulder and he gripped it reassuringly as his left arm hung still.

 

"Alexei, no one here is making you hurt anyone!"  Askier said frantically, his teeth chewing on his lower lips every time he stopped speaking.  "You haven't hurt anyone in awhile!  Hells you keep fixing me up!  Patching my wounds and all, just like Osric ordered you to do.  I'd be dead at least once so far if you hadn't been around, Alexei. It's alright, it really is!  You're with friends now."

[Guest Ragnar]

Through clenched teeth Alexei speaks again. "...Am sorry...Cannot handle, must go back..."

 

Alexei stops shaking as his eyes go out of focus. A moment later they refocus, empty and cold once more.

 

He blinks and looks at Askier. "Is done, am fine now." Feeling the scar on his forehead he pushes himself into a sitting position with his other hand. The bad leg twitches for a moment as his damaged brain misfires. Alexei looks back at Askier's face, his own impassive once again.

 

"Is getting vorse. Deterioration is more rapid. Not sure how long until collapse." He forces himself onto his feet and smooths out his clothes.

 

He paused and looked his friend in the eyes. "...For small moment, vhen saw you smile, felt happy."