A Broken Mind and a New Life (Semi-closed)

[Askier]

"Why are you so afraid of letting it collapse, letting the emotions out?"  Askier inquired urgently, his golden eyes staring into his friend's face, desperately looking for the answer there.  "What happens when it falls, Alexei, please, tell me so I can help you.  You're my friend, dammit,and hells take me if I don't help you through this as best I am able."

[Guest Ragnar]

Looks back into Askier's golden eye, his own dull, grey eyes a stark contrast. He starts to answer then stops to re-think what he was saying. "...Vas not only one to be conditioned. Vere once hundred of us...and have seen vhat happened to others."

 

He drops his gaze to the floor for a moment, taking a deep breath before looking back up. "Vhen it all comes out, is overvhelming. Many vent mad, those that did not became depressed and took own lives." His eyes soften but the rest remains impassive. "Do not know vhat vill happen. Might die, might go mad." Twitching slightly, he places a hand on Askier's shoulder. "Do not fear death, vant as much time as can to care for you and others. Are alvays in need of care, vill feel better vhen time comes if know have done all I can for you."

[Askier]

"Alexei...I'm Askier Mergrey...I get hurt weekly.  Who is going to fix me up if you die?"  Askier growled angrily, disappointed in his friend's defeated tone.

 

"You have orders to protect me.  You cannot protect me if you are dead!  I'm ordering you, no matter what happens with this conditioning, you are not to die or go mad.  I will be by your side through it all, damn it!  You fight this mentally!  I did after Itar carved me up.  Sure I have nightmares and have to sleep with a stuffed animal, but I'm mostly functional!  Even if you aren't at optimal capacity, you are going to live, even if I have chain you in a cell until you manage to get through this.  Got it?  I am here for you."

[Guest Ragnar]

The corners of Alexei's mouth twitch a little bit as he almost starts to smile, then becomes impassive again. "Vill not follow order. Have decided to follow Sizha'to's advice and make own choices. Am resigning from Osric's service." He cocks his head at Askier. "But vill do everything that can to live. Are patient and friend, do not vant to cause emotional distress."

 

Alexei offers Askier a nod and walks over to the cot he sleeps on. Squatting down he pulls some of his things out and gathers them up. "Am heading to city. Medical supplies are depleted and need to acquire more." He stands up and walks back over to Askier. "Also believed have recovered as much as can. Am not sure can stay here, vas here for safety vhile mending. Do not vish to impose. Vill ask Captain vhen see him next."

[Askier]

"You're doing a piss poor job if you didn't want to cause emotional distress!' A skier groweled as the hyur started collecting his things. The miqo'te male rose to his feet and walked over to Alexei and hugged him tightly with his right arm. He held the man there for a moment and then let Alexei go, spinning on his heel as he released him.

 

Askier walked away, pausing at the base if the stairs to fix his golden eyes at Alexei on last time.

 

"You are always welcome here you dummy.  I better hear from you soon."

 

With that, Askier ascended the straits and left the building after reaching the top.

[Guest Ragnar]

A few days had passed, Alexei was setting up the equipment needed to start replenishing his stock of potions and poisons. The basement was empty as usual.

 

The silence was broken by the sound of a dull grinding as pestle met mortar. Alexei carefully ground down his ingredients into a fine paste, frowning in thought as he worked. After years of experience Alexei could do all of this in his sleep, his mind was occupied by other things. He was free now. For the first time in sixteen years, no one was deciding his future but him. What now?

 

Alexei placed a root on the table and began finely chopping, not even looking down, trusting his muscle memory to do the job without removing a finger tip. No more murder. He had enough blood on his hands, no more. It was time to help. He dumped the chopped root into a beaker of boiling water.

 

Askier. He owed Askier much, whether the miqo'te knew it or not, but it was more then that. They were friends. He would protect him, all of them. Sizha'to, Kahn'a, Askier, they had accepted him and become like family, even if he deserved nothing. Alexei absentmindedly measured out the next ingredient and dumped it into the concoction. He would protect them, he had lost his family once, he would not lose another.

[Guest Ragnar]

A quiet bubbling noise filled the basement, a few feet away at the table Alexei sat, waiting for his concoctions to finish brewing. He flipped idly through a book on medicine. He'd read the book many times before, but it always paid to keep medical knowledge fresh, never know when someone might contract an exotic disease. It wasn't like he didn't have the time.

 

He had a job now working for the Red Wings as their physician. It was a good use of his ability and he wouldn't need to kill. There was a dull thud as Alexei shut the thick book. He let himself get lost in thought, the faint bubbling becoming white noise.

 

How long? How long did he have before his conditioning completely failed. Soon, emotions were already slipping through. What would it feel like? Likely terrifying. He could remember the sobbing and screams of his comrades when it happened to them. All of those suppressed feelings, rushing back in one great wave. It would be harrowing. If that didn't break him, he'd then have to confront everything he'd ever done. A lifetime of evil deeds. He wasn't sure he could handle it, but he had something now that his comrades did not. Friends. Perhaps their support would see him through this intact. Askier certainly had seemed determined to make sure of that.

 

Alexei leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. Askier. He owed him an apology. He had not meant to cause distress. He simply wanted Askier to know what possible outcomes there were. How best to apologize? Just words? Maybe. The miqo'te seemed to like hugs, perhaps a hug would help.

 

A dull ache in his head told Alexei that the moment he dreaded was not far. He sighed, still sitting there with his eyes closed.

 

It was going to be unpleasant.

[Askier]

"Stupid weather." Askier muttered to himself as the thunderstorm raged around him, massive roars of thunder echoing off the stone streets of the Goblet as sheets of rain feel from the oppressive cloud mass overhead.

 

The Garlean hurried, his new coat, his dead brother's coat, danced around him as he made his way through the puddle strewn streets, the cobblestones slick underneath his boots.  The miqo'te's tail was tucked inside the coat and his right hand was constantly brushing his drenched hair out of his face.

 

At long last, Askier rounded a turn and saw the Red Wing HQ, its windows aglow with the faint light inside. He sighed in relief as he reached the door to the building and stepped inside, a gust of wind splattering the fine rug within with rain as the Garlean slipped inside and shut the door behind him. 

 

Askier shook himself as he removed his coat, sending water droplets cascading down around him as he called out to the still building.

 

"Anyone alive in here?"

[Guest Ragnar]

A familiar voice roused Alexei from his thoughts. He blinked and looked over at his potions, still bubbling. It needed some more time.

 

"Am in basement." He called up. Alexei stood up and walked over to where he kept his things. Kneeling down he placed the book next to the pile of other tomes. He could hear the rain pouring down, even from in the basement. Askier would be wet. Alexei grabbed a towel and walked back out to the basement's main room.

[Askier]

Askier had seated himself on the floor and was using both hands to remove his boots, rainwater gushing out of them as he tipped them over.   The miqo'te flexed his soaked feet and wiggled his toes as he tipped his head to the left and bumped the right side of his head with his right palm, water falling out of the pointed ear. 

 

As the water ran from inside Askier's ear, his hearing sharpened and he heard Alexei's reply. The miqo'te grinned to himself as he rose to his feet, feeling the cool wood under his feet as he walked towards the stairs and headed into the basement, leaving his boots and coat in a pile beside the door.

 

As Askier descended, he went about removing his drenched shirt and held it in a ball in his left hand. The light Alexei had been working by cast a bright light over the Garlean's bare torso, highlighting the tapestry of scars and wounds the miqo'te had collected over his thirty-one years of life. Dancing with the scars across the flesh was an elaborate and extensive series of tribal style tattoos, inked into the epidermis in dark black. The tattoos were the newest addition and had not been pleasant or wanted. They were the final gift the Roe known as the Itar had given Askier aboard the boat where A skier had been broken and tortured. One, final reminder for Askier of the suffering he had endured at Itar's hands.

 

Askier's golden eyes fixed themselves on Alexei and then at the towel the hyur held. Askier smiled.

 

"That for me?" The bomb-maker asked as he pointed with his right hand, his left, mechanical arm limp at his side, the bolts that grafted the metal into his bone shimmering in the light as water ran down the arm.

[Guest Ragnar]

The man nodded and held out the towel for Askier to take. "Do not vant you to get hypothermia. Dry self off. Vill get blanket." He walked back over to his potions and turned off the heat. The bright flames underneath them winking out one by one as Alexei turned off the gas. The room was a little darker now. Light came from a candle on the table and the wall lamp made to look like the Lord of the Inferno's head. It had a menacing, fiery glow to it.

 

Alexei walked to the back of the room and took the blanket from his bed. He folded it up neatly in his arms. It was an unconscious action. He always kept things neat. The bubbling had finally stopped as Alexei reentered the main room. He walked up to Askier and unfurled the blanket. Moving was still not easy, but Alexei was getting used to the lack of sensation in his leg and was adapting. He waiting for Askier to finish drying off before draping the woolen blanket over his shoulders.

 

"How are doing?"

[Askier]

Askier snatched the towel from Alexei and proceeded to run the towel through his long hair and over his neck and chest vigeriously. He was finishing his drying his back when Alexei returned and drapped the blanket over him. The miqo'te blinked slightly in surprise and nodded in appreciation as he looked at his left arm and made it move, dropping the wet shirt on the table that sat in the middle of the room. 

 

The miqo'te then seated himself with a sigh and leaned back into the chair.

 

"I'm alright. Still coming to terms with everything that happened with the runt and the rather unpleasent facts I got to learn from Kanaria." Askier's face was pressed in a scowl as he looked at the hyur. "You don't know yet, do you?"

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei cocked his head at the damp miqo'te. "Believe is personal matter for you. Is not my place to know unless you vish to tell." He walked over to wear his potions were and poured the contents of one beaker into two cups, a pleasant aroma rising from the steaming liquid. Alexei returned to the table and set a cup in front of Askier before taking a seat. "Is tea. Vill help return varmth to body."

 

The man leaned back in his chair and cooled his tea with a gentle breath. It was still hot, but not too hot as his sipped it, watching Askier with his dull, grey eyes. They had grown softer over the last few days, no longer as cold. It would be soon he thought to himself. Now was not the time to bring that up. His friend was already dealing with something and he did not want to make Askier worry more.

 

There was a loud crack of thunder overhead that shook the house slightly. Alexei gave a curious glance up before returning his gaze to the miqo'te.

[Askier]

Askier said nothing until the cup of tea was in front of him. He sniffed it and made a disapproving face. The recovering alcoholic had been consuming a rather large amount of tea as of late and wasn't particularly fond of the various aromas teas produced. His opinion of the varying  tastes was even less positive.

 

The miqo'te leaned in and, after gazing at his reflection in the tea, lapped the liquid with his tongue several times. He smacked his lips as he lifted his head and sighed.

 

"I'll never get used to this dirt water." The Garlean leaned back in his chair once more, the blanket wrapped around him tightly as the index finger of his right hand slowly circled the lip of the cup, thunder shaking the building as he stared absent mindly at the glass.

 

"There are two personal matters on my mind, plus Kahn'a just disappearing like he did, Alexei. One's an old weight 

but the other," Askier paused, mulling over Kanaria's words in his mind, both grateful and resentful she had told him.

 

"Jin'li was my half-brother apparently. I know that shouldn't bother me, since I'm still me and I still hate his guts for what he did to Saravena, but it does bother me. Makes me feel dirty inside, like I'm somehow tainted by him."

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei sipped his tea and let the dirt water comment pass by without saying anything, it was the only thing he drank other than water and had grown to appreciate the taste. He watched Askier's face closely as the miqo'te told him of his connection to Jin'li.

 

The midlander stood and silently limped over to Askier and leaned over, embracing him. It was quite possibly the most awkward looking and feeling hug that anyone had ever experienced. He was still very new at this.

"Are not tainted."

[Askier]

A skier was unable to hide his surprise as the hyur wrapped his arms around him and gave what Askier assumed to be a reassuring hug.

 

The Garlean miqo'te was so surprised by the display of affection that he nearly missed Alexei's comment and the impact of those words were lessened by the action as Askier's mind processed it.

 

"I...uh...well,"Askier stammered, trying to figure out the best words to say in this particular situation.  He slipped his right hand out from underneath his blanket and gently patted Alexei's arm.

 

"Thank you, Alexei." Askier said calmly. "You feeling okay?"

 

The miqo'te was aware of the reason why Alexei might be displaying such emotion and it made him slightly nervous.

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei continued the awkward hug, this moment made even stranger by Alexei's still impassive face. "Am fine. Am trying to comfort." An uncomfortable moment passes and he repeats his earlier statement. "Are not tainted anymore than self or others. Nothing has changed. Are still Askier."

 

Another moment of awkward silence passes, the hug still going. "...Am not sure how long am supposed to hold for..." Yet another pause.

[Askier]

Askier nodded at Alexei's words. They made him feel better. He still couldn't, entirely, shake the undesired feeling his learned connection with the white haired runt produced in him, but Alexei's words were reassuring none-the-less.

 

Askier was silent a moment but he then chuckled as an amused grin passed over his mouth as Alexei confessed being unsure how long to hold the hug. The Garlean patted Alexei's arm with his hand. 

 

"I think that's been long enough.  Any longer and people going to start wondering."

 

Askier thought for a moment.

 

"Am I going to have to teach you proper hugging etiquette ?"

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei released Askier and limped back to his seat. Sitting down, he cocked his head to one side. "Vas not avare of hugging etiquette, should-." He stopped speaking for a moment and leaned back in his chair. "Is joke, da?"

 

The tea was still hot as he sipped it again. "Should not concern self vith blood ties. Mean nothing. Am son of alcoholic father who let drink drive him to failure. Am nothing like man, his flaws are not mine, his virtues are not mine. Am own man." He set his cup back down. "Have younger sister, vas good hearted. Hope still is. Ties to me do not taint her. Everything terrible have done does not make her less good. You are the same. Are own person." He shut his eyes and rubbed his left temple gently with his fingers. After a moment he reopened them and looked at Askier with what was almost a warm look.

 

"Vanted to apologize for causes distress few days ago. Just like to make people avare of all possible outcomes so nothing comes as surprise. Am sometimes forgetting that you care. Is not something am used to." He offered Askier a half smile.

 

"Have favor to ask." He gets up and moves over to his cot, coming back a moment later with a letter. "Vhen conditioning does fail, could please deliver to Momodi? She vill know who to give to."

[Askier]

"Yes, Alexei," Askier flashed a toothy grin as the hyur sat back down.  "It was a joke. Least you can recognize them now."

 

The Garlean then went quiet and listened, his golden eyes studying the hyur intently, noticing the shifting facial reactions, the almost normal expressions. The bleed through of emotions was obviously accelerating and Askier made a mental note to himself to not leave Ul'dah in the immediate future.

 

Askier watched as Alexei sipped the tea and used Alexei's slight pause to reply.

 

"If you little sister is anything like Saravena,  she's causing more trouble than you'll know. Guess it's just the big brother desire to keep them safe. But if your little sister is smart as you, I'm sure she's doing just fine Alexei. It's not always a bad thing to be related to someone, and I'm sure your sister understands anything you did, you did cause you love here. I mean, look at me." The miqo'te waved his hand dramatically before placing it back on the table. "I nearly blew up Ul'dah for my sister to get her back. Saravena is the only blood family I have left, unless my mother is not as dead as my drunk father and my runt sibling."

 

The bomb maker was silent for a moment as Alexei got up and left the room.  Askier had not thought about his mother in a long time. She had never been around to even leave him have one memory of her. But now that he had learned Jin'li and himself were half-brothers through her, he wished to know more.

 

Alexei returned and Askier listened as he took a sip of his tea, the warm fluid making him smack his lips as he forced himself to swallow the drink.

 

"Momodi. . . Momo- right the Quicksand lady. Hells, I rarly go in there, even back when I was an alcoholic, I drank elsewhere. But sure, Alexei, I'll take it there."

[Guest Ragnar]

Alexei winces a little bit as Askier agrees to deliver the letter, the corners of his mouth turning up just a little bit in a small smile. "Thank you. Accidentally acquired apprentice. Is good young man, smart and dedicated. Vas formerly a slave. Vorries about me greatly." He picks up his cup again and just looks at the murky water within. "Decided should pass along skills. Medical skills, not other skills." Losing interest in his tea, he sets it down again. "Letter is for him. If young miqo'te named Setras comes by, please let in. Have included that should bring letter vith him. Vill likely be distraught."

 

A frown appears on his face as he looks down. He left hand had developed a tremor and was gently shaking. His eyes were a little sad when he looked back up at Askier. "My sister's name vas Illya." He corrects himself. "Is Illya...can never see again." The hyur shakes his head. "Apologies, did not mean to burden vith my problems."

 

The dull ache had grown into a pulsing and persistent pain. It would not be long.

[Askier]

A skier looked at his left arm and made the mechanical limb form a dismissive wave at Alexei's words before he rested the metal limb in his lap alongside his tail.

 

"Please, I'm your friend. Your problems will always be of concern to me. How friendship works, agreeing to worry about other people's shite as well as your own. Little thing my ex-fiancee never really figured out."

 

Askier paused to sip his tea and placed it back down.  

 

"I'll pass the letter along to your apprentice. I'll try not to scare him to badly when he comes around."

 

The Garlen's golden eyes fixed on the hyur as Alexei started rubbing his head and Askier licked his lips apprehensively.

 

" So is you sister still in your homeland?" A skier asked casually, trying to distract his friend.

[Guest Ragnar]

It was a sharp pain. Alexei kept from showing it, but it took most of his concentration. "...Da. At least believe is still there. Do not know anymore." He kept his shaking hand hidden under the table.

 

"Believes that am dead." A muscle under his right eye twitches. "Only one person knows am alive. Is same person that exiled. Did not understand vhy let me live. Still do not. A few others like me vere not deteriorating. Vere hung." He looked back at his tea. "Vhen vas my turn to valk to gallows, sent someone else instead. Told me to leave. Never return."

 

There was a pause and he canted his head to one side, grey eyes fixed on Askier. "Had fiancee?"

[Askier]

"I'm sorry you can't see your sister Alexei." Askier replied tenderly, his eyes soft as he listened to the man's story.  "That would be hard on me, can only imagine what it is for you.  But at least she is well.  And whomever exiled you and let you live, well they have my deepest appreciation.  Without them, I probably would be dead.  You've saved my life and patched up my body how many times now?"

 

The Garlean miqo'te wasn't interested in the exact number.  He was just grateful his friend had ended up in Ul'dah, even if there first meeting had been an attempt on Askier's life.

 

Askier noted Alexei's cocked head and nodded at the hyurs question, rolling his shoulders in a shrug.

 

"Aye, that I did, long time ago.  She's the daughter of the runt's first master.  Thought she was something she wasn't.  Basically, when I deserted after the Calamity and went back for Saravena, I told my ex to come with us, live together.  She chose her father's wealth and political power."

 

There was a sour expression on Askier's face and the sting of rejection glinted in his golden eyes.

[Guest Ragnar]

The pain continued. There was another sharp spike but this time he couldn't hide it. "Are better off vithout ex. Are intelligent and kind hearted. Are no vorse for her absence, but she is lessened by yours. Vill find someone better." His voice was certain, there was zero doubt in his mind.

 

Alexei shut his eyes and grimaced. The persistent pain was manageable, but the spikes were becoming worse. "...The past is unchangeable, focus on future and make into vhat you vant it to be." All coldness had faded from his eyes, there was genuine warmth and compassion there.

 

He raised his cup. "To sisters, may they alvays make better choices than their brothers."