Ask the Phoenix [OPEN IC Advice Column]

[ZindelloTarantella]

While perusing a copy of the Mythril Eye it is not unlikely that one may notice in the back of the illustrious newsletter of Ul'dah that there is a small column. Marked simply as 'Ask the Phoenix' it appears to be an advice column that various people send letters into to have answered in print by the ever witty and enlightened 'Phoenix'. Although, most everyone who knows anything about the merchants of Ul'dah likely have an idea of who the 'mysterious' Phoenix is, it still does not change the fact that this column is still in the back of nearly every issue. Of course, readers are encouraged to send in their letters for advice, under the protection of whatever name they sign the letter as...

 

[[This is not meant entirely to be taken seriously--something more along the lines of a Dear Abby column. While it is indeed IC, it's meant more to divulge problems of characters may have that range from the serious to the silly. Of course keep things appropriate considering the Mythril Eye likely wouldn't allow into print anything TOO dark or shocking. Your character may use their real name or a pen-name. This is free and open to anyone that wants to give it a try!]

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything - and said it would never happen again.

 

Signed,

Worry-Wort

 

==========

 

Dear Worry-Wort,

 

It sounds to me as if your husband has seen the error of his ways. In fact, he's gone so far as to promise never to repeat an offense he's yet to commit! The fact is, this man appears to be able to see into the future and I strongly urge you to remain married to him. A man that can peer through the veil to foresee his own problems rarely makes the same mistake twice.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix.

[OttoVann]

"Dear Phoenix,

 

How many women is too many? I find myself lately being choked by all of them clamoring for what little time I have, while also beginning something akin to a steady relationship with a proper Highland woman I encountered the other day at The Quicksand.

 

For example, yesterday I had Ridley fetch this new woman that I am trying to be steady with, and three others decided to join me relatively unannounced, which leaves me with a total party of six in my room when I only wanted a bit of one on one time. How would you manage this mess?

 

All the best.

 

v/r

 

-Otto Vann"

 

 

 

[ZindelloTarantella]

"Dear Phoenix,

 

How many women is too many?  I find myself lately being choked by all of them clamoring for what little time I have, while also beginning something akin to a steady relationship with a proper Highland woman I encountered the other day at The Quicksand.

 

For example, yesterday I had Ridley fetch this new woman that I am trying to be steady with, and three others decided to join me relatively unannounced, which leaves me with a total party of six in my room when I only wanted a bit of one on one time.  How would you manage this mess?

 

All the best.

 

v/r

 

-Otto Vann"

 

 

 

Dear Otto Vann,

 

I would recommend that you take a moment and consider your priorities. On the one hand, you have a woman who is dedicated to you (presumably) and finds you engaging and attractive enough to overlook the effect your ungodly amount of charisma with the opposite sex.

 

On the other hand, you have (again presumably) an ungodly amount of charisma that results in an equally ungodly amount of bragging rights.

 

The question is less about what I would do if I was in this mess and more about which you value more; a quiet evening alone with the one you love, or a room full of well-armed, well-trained women all vying to be the apple of your eye.

 

If the former, I recommend a good dead bolt and possibly a trained behemoth.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[Tiergan]

Dear Phoenix,

 

One of m'brother's chocobos has bloated to th'size of a Goobue and is just as round. I've been tasked with helpin' Big Bo lose weight. Th'tried and tested 'Green-on-a-Stick" method isn't really workin' out like I hoped. What should I do?

 

The Pinkest Bard

[OttoVann]

"Dear Phoenix,

 

How many women is too many?  I find myself lately being choked by all of them clamoring for what little time I have, while also beginning something akin to a steady relationship with a proper Highland woman I encountered the other day at The Quicksand.

 

For example, yesterday I had Ridley fetch this new woman that I am trying to be steady with, and three others decided to join me relatively unannounced, which leaves me with a total party of six in my room when I only wanted a bit of one on one time.  How would you manage this mess?

 

All the best.

 

v/r

 

-Otto Vann"

 

 

 

Dear Otto Vann,

 

I would recommend that you take a moment and consider your priorities. On the one hand, you have a woman who is dedicated to you (presumably) and finds you engaging and attractive enough to overlook the effect your ungodly amount of charisma with the opposite sex.

 

On the other hand, you have (again presumably) an ungodly amount of charisma that results in an equally ungodly amount of bragging rights.

 

The question is less about what I would do if I was in this mess and more about which you value more; a quiet evening alone with the one you love, or a room full of well-armed, well-trained women all vying to be the apple of your eye.

 

If the former, I recommend a good dead bolt and possibly a trained behemoth.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

 

{{how about a trained nutkin}}

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

One of m'brother's chocobos has bloated to th'size of a Goobue and is just as round.  I've been tasked with helpin' Big Bo lose weight.  Th'tried and tested 'Green-on-a-Stick" method isn't really workin' out like I hoped.  What should I do?

 

The Pinkest Bard

 

Dear Pinkest Bard,

 

I'm afraid I'm not entirely familiar with Chocobo raising. However, I do know enough to tell you that letting your bloated Bo sit in the oven at temperatures of about 250 degrees for at least three hours and a good carving knife is one way to help cut the fat.

 

I recommend a nice dressing if Big Bo isn't one of the new 'pretty' colored chocobos I've seen around town.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Maru-Paru

 

=================

 

Dear Maru-Paru,

 

I don't know how to break this to you, but I'm fairly sure that his brand of disloyalty isn't just vulgar and stupid--it also may be contagious. Head to the Alchemist's Guild and see if they can't get you taken care of before trying to square things away with your husband.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

I joined the Maelstrom to see the world. I've seen it.

Now how do I get out?

 

Signed,

Salty Wolf

 

---

 

Dear Salty Wolf,

 

I would suggest a career in piracy, but the odds are, you've already done that being from Lominsa, so perhaps you could either serve your term and retire or try to steal something from the Admiral? I can tell you that will end your term very abruptly.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[DreamedReality]

Dear Phoenix,

 

There are several small moths in the kitchen and I can't figure out where they keep coming from. Often I see their disgusting little grubs crawling across the ceiling or up a wall! One even landed in the soup I was preparing last night! How do I get rid of them aside from burning my kitchen down?!

 

Signed,

The frustrated cook

 

______________________________

 

 

Dear Phoenix,

 

Yer advice is a crock o chokoshitt. Tha tonic got rid o the lice but now al my hair fel out! Ye better prey I never fined out who ya are.

 

Signed,

The bald adventurer

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

There are several small moths in the kitchen and I can't figure out where they keep coming from. Often I see their disgusting little grubs crawling across the ceiling or up a wall! One even landed in the soup I was preparing last night! How do I get rid of them aside from burning my kitchen down?!

 

Signed,

The frustrated cook

 

Dear Frustrated Cook,

 

Since you are, I'm hoping, a cook worth his salt so to speak, you should have everything you need to drive the little bastards from your kitchen. An old Gridanian recipe is to take a clean cheesecloth (something any cook should have access to), and then bundle it up with the following things in any given larder: Bay leaves, cedar shavings, cinnamon sticks, cloves, eucalyptus leaves, lavender, peppercorns, rosemary, wormwood. I also recommend making sure all of your various clothing pieces you wear or keep in the kitchen area are fully cleaned and kept in a dry place.

 

Of course, you could always do nothing about it and hope for the best; as I understand it, some Wood Wailers subsist entirely on grubs and maggots for protein if they become lost in the Twelveswood. And if it's good enough for a desperate, starving man or woman, it's good enough for any moth-infested cook's kitchen.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

Yer advice is a crock o chokoshitt. Tha tonic got rid o the lice but now al my hair fel out! Ye better prey I never fined out who ya are.

 

Signed,

The bald adventurer

 

Dear Bald Adventurer,

 

I suppose it's a good thing you didn't go with my alternative option and set your hair ablaze.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[Askier]

Dear Phoenix,

 

This one wishes to inquire about the best way to apologize for killing a woman's husband while said husband was instructing this one on proper use of an axe. The husband instructed me to hit him, so I hit him with the sharp side as ordered.  Am unsure what to do.

 

Signed,

A little black bird

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

This one wishes to inquire about the best way to apologize for killing a woman's husband while said husband was instructing this one on proper use of an axe. The husband instructed me to hit him, so I hit him with the sharp side as ordered.  Am unsure what to do.

 

Signed,

A little black bird

 

Dear Little Black Bird,

 

I'm going to answer this despite my editor's pleading and better judgment.

 

I would recommend that the best way to apologize, since I am sure this was an accident, is the same as it would be in any situation like this; flowers, letters of condolences and promises you don't intend to keep. If this woman is skilled in combat, I would also recommend visiting a Aesthetician for a good change to your appearance and then hopping to the first ferry to one of the other major cities. I hear Coerthas is lovely at no time of the year but most folks won't follow you there.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[Melkire]

Dear Phoenix,

 

Family can be such a bother. Enlistment suited me back when I was turning my life around, but now I find soldiering tedious and boring. I fancy a change, and the change I fancy is transfer. Ran into a few tight spots under my former commanding officer, you see, that required quite a bit of legwork as well as a discerning eye. Though I abhor and despise their practices, I suppose I could work within the system of our local red-clad constabulary, for the good of the people and in the interest of my own satisfaction.

 

Alas! The wretches that call themselves my flesh and blood insist that I settle and marry, of all notions. I've neither the time nor the inclination for a husband, let alone children, and yet they won't hear a word against the idea! How do I go about getting their attention long enough for them to listen to me, short of setting their hair on fire?

 

Signed,

 

A Small Sunflower

 

 

P.S. I love my parents, but they can be such a bother at times.

 

P.P.S. Please pardon the desperation behind this letter. Appalling, that these words could not be committed to parchment without such disgraceful behavior typical of the self-absorbed: "I, I, I, I, I." Apologies if I have offended.

[Berrod Armstrong]

Dear Phoenix,

 

 

It has been a few moons since I lost my little boy. He went out on an adventure and never came back. I miss him so, he was my everything, my life, my light, my very reason to be. 

 

 

It's been so hard to carry on. Some days death tempts me but if I do not live, then I cannot carry on his memory. I cannot go into his room and remember what a precious thing he was upon this good land.

 

 

I ask you then. Do you think adopting another son is a good idea? I don't want to replace my little Tombleweed boy, but this void aches more than I can bear. In addition, I feel that I may do some good for a poor orphan by giving him all the love that my boy did not live to see. 

 

 

What do I do?

 

Signed,

A Grieving Mother

[Coatleque]

Dear Phoenix,

 

It has recently been made public knowledge that my availability in the evenings has become free once more. Since then, I have had no end to amorous advances, propositions of 'fun times' to be had, and even some unexpected affection from co-workers at inappropriate times. As much as I would like to accept some of these offers, it simply would not do to have someone of my position be seen in the sort of scandalous picture this would paint.

 

How would you suggest that I balance both work and personal time while avoiding the need to shatter others' expectations as to my availability?

 

~ Smothered yet Frustrated

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

Family can be such a bother. Enlistment suited me back when I was turning my life around, but now I find soldiering tedious and boring. I fancy a change, and the change I fancy is transfer. Ran into a few tight spots under my former commanding officer, you see, that required quite a bit of legwork as well as a discerning eye. Though I abhor and despise their practices, I suppose I could work within the system of our local red-clad constabulary, for the good of the people and in the interest of my own satisfaction.

 

Alas! The wretches that call themselves my flesh and blood insist that I settle and marry, of all notions. I've neither the time nor the inclination for a husband, let alone children, and yet they won't hear a word against the idea! How do I go about getting their attention long enough for them to listen to me, short of setting their hair on fire?

 

Signed,

 

A Small Sunflower

 

 

P.S. I love my parents, but they can be such a bother at times.

 

P.P.S. Please pardon the desperation behind this letter. Appalling, that these words could not be committed to parchment without such disgraceful behavior typical of the self-absorbed: "I, I, I, I, I." Apologies if I have offended.

 

Dear Small Sunflower,

 

Barring your suggestion of setting your hair (or theirs) on fire, your problem is not terribly difficult to remedy. There is the simple option of ignoring them, but this is neither a permanent fix nor particularly satisfying. You could, of course, try the alternative route of showing yourself to be vastly incompetent in the field of courting--pick several suitors that are absolutely detestable to your family (or at least find a handful of friends to masquerade as such). This will give you the delightful chance to watch your family scramble to find you a suitable suitor--to which, you can, after turning down a few options they chose, remind them if they try again that 'Mother/Father/Guardian--need I remind you that you've enlisted several suitors for me over the past few months and they've all been unqualified disasters.'

 

Within a few months time, you get to have some fun and turn the entire burden of inadequacy back on them rather than yourself.

 

If all else fails, I know of an alchemist that will happily sell you a flammable tonic.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

 

It has been a few moons since I lost my little boy. He went out on an adventure and never came back. I miss him so, he was my everything, my life, my light, my very reason to be. 

 

 

It's been so hard to carry on. Some days death tempts me but if I do not live, then I cannot carry on his memory. I cannot go into his room and remember what a precious thing he was upon this good land.

 

 

I ask you then. Do you think adopting another son is a good idea? I don't want to replace my little Tombleweed boy, but this void aches more than I can bear. In addition, I feel that I may do some good for a poor orphan by giving him all the love that my boy did not live to see. 

 

 

What do I do?

 

Signed,

A Grieving Mother

 

Dear Grieving Mother,

 

First, my condolences on your loss. I myself cannot say I know the feelings you have but I can imagine in some small capacity.

 

In regards to adoption, however, I do have some experience. I can say, with no small amount of pride, that yours truly was fortunate enough to be received into a loving and generous home by those not of blood. Your desire to bring joy into the life of a child who likely has little is a grand endeavor and I applaud the effort. I was fortunate, in some ways, to have no recollection of my parents for being too young. It made things easier for a large number of years. If you adopt a child that is in the same plight then your life may be made easier by this, and I would very nearly recommend this option if possible.

 

However. There is another part of this that makes me feel the easier option is not the best. Consider your loss and reverse it--to be a child who knew their parents and lost them both. A similar void is open in another heart. I cannot say whether they would want to replace their parents--but I can say with some certainty they likely have just as terrible a hole in their chests as you do. And so, the greater act of giving and charity, I feel, would be to instead take in this wounded soul and together help one another to heal.

 

A mutual adversity, when overcome, creates a powerful bond and one that will likely prove to last through the years in a way that a child that has never known loss could ever feel.

 

There is, also, one more option and this one is likely the most difficult of all. I've been made aware that there are people much like yourself that for some reason or another wish to open their homes to children but have found that they take far greater joy in giving them a home and love for a time until a family that wishes to adopt them fully is found. New lives are fostered out of this, and I believe that there are ways to make this arrangement by speaking with the local officials in charge of orphan affairs. In this way, you have also the option of giving the love you feel to many children, rather than just one--though as I am sure you can imagine, this also can create a different set of emotional struggles.

 

Whatever you road you chose, understand that your pain, while real and likely lasting, can still be turned to something good--you have found the strength to point yourself in this direction and now it is up to you to take the first steps towards a future of your own making.

 

Godspeed and I would ask, if possible, to write again to allow my readers and myself to share in what I hope will be a joyful new life.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

It has recently been made public knowledge that my availability in the evenings has become free once more.  Since then, I have had no end to amorous advances, propositions of 'fun times' to be had, and even some unexpected affection from co-workers at inappropriate times.  As much as I would like to accept some of these offers, it simply would not do to have someone of my position be seen in the sort of scandalous picture this would paint.

 

How would you suggest that I balance both work and personal time while avoiding the need to shatter others' expectations as to my availability?

 

~ Smothered yet Frustrated

 

 

Dear Smothered yet Frustrated,

 

I won't lie--now that you mention you're on the market, I too feel the need to make you aware of my long hidden feelings for you and my earnest desire to share a drink or two with you.

 

And now to be serious--frankly, you're going to have to break hearts, I'm afraid. Fact is that you have your preferences and that, regardless of what your amorous admirers may think, you aren't required to drop everything to enjoy their company. The best I can offer to help cull the herd, so to speak, would be to start large--perhaps form a group to go out and make a night of things. This will help you see easily who is really is a 'good time' and who isn't without committing to anything. You'll have a chance to see them in their natural habitat, as it were and you can proceed from there, guilt free, if they turn out to be a chocobo's arse (unless that's the kind of person you like, in which case, that is a letter in an of itself).

 

After trimming down the list, you can likely find some good friends amongst the remaining group--use this to your advantage. If they are friends you'll gain the added chance to learn more about them than what is just on the surface but, if you still aren't interested, have the option of giving that powerful but dreaded line of 'I hate to ruin what we have'.

 

That usually brings any pursuit to a screeching halt and makes any follow-up attempts more awkward than a Garlean attempting to think and speak for themselves.

 

In the end, your evenings and how you spend them are up to you. It is nice that you wish to be nice but sometimes 'Nice' is wrong. Sometimes, one simply doesn't have the option of being 'nice'.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[Delilah Scythewood]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I'm very close with my brother. Our father was a Tia but our mother cared deeply for him anyways, and eventually the two eloped and came to a life here in the city and had the two of us. He's the older and more responsible one and I'm the dunderhead.

 

But lately he's been sneaking out at night and not coming back until it's almost dawn and going through the day with no sleep. One night I followed him! He went behind the Quicksand and started kissing on someone!

 

Should I let him know I saw him? Should I tell my parents? HELP!

 

Signed,

The Conerned Baby Sister

 

P.S. I couldn't tell if the Elezen was male or female. Is there a sure way to discern? They all look the same to me!

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I'm very close with my brother. Our father was a Tia but our mother cared deeply for him anyways, and eventually the two eloped and came to a life here in the city and had the two of us. He's the older and more responsible one and I'm the dunderhead.

 

But lately he's been sneaking out at night and not coming back until it's almost dawn and going through the day with no sleep. One night I followed him! He went behind the Quicksand and started kissing on someone!

 

Should I let him know I saw him? Should I tell my parents? HELP!

 

Signed,

The Conerned Baby Sister

 

P.S. I couldn't tell if the Elezen was male or female. Is there a sure way to discern? They all look the same to me!

 

Dear Concerned Baby Sister,

 

First and foremost, the next time you decide to follow him, check and see if money is exchanged beforehand and if he's kissing with the same Elezen or a different one. If both of these things are the case then no, your brother is merely attempting to make some money on the side. As long as your brother is able to function during the day I see no issue with it beyond needing a few extra visits (possibly) to the apothecary.

 

However, if your brother is seeing the same person, then perhaps, yes, a confrontation is in order; it sounds to me as if he feels his romances must be kept secret. Again, if his daily life is not effected for want of sleep, then you can take your time approaching him. If it is effected then perhaps that will give you a reason to approach him. However, be careful about how you broach the subject--I have personally found that people don't like being told you've been stalking them, even for their own good. If this latter situation is the case, you need only remind him that you own parents too had a less than agreeable arrangement to those around them and this should give him some confidence.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

 

P.S. If you can get a good look at the Elezen, the best way to tell them apart is if they are wearing make-up. If yes, it's likely a male.

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Phoenix,

 

I am a bachelor in my early 30s. I don’t share a home with a female because of my high moral standards, and I am not yet ready for marriage.

 

When I used to share my home with another bachelor, people assumed that we were courting.

 

I now have a very nice place of my own. However, if I have bachelor friends over, I am still perceived as being interested in men.

 

Why is it that a single male cannot have friends over for a simple card game without people thinking there’s something sexual going on?

 

I am interested in females, but fear that all this talk will cause ladies to keep their distance for fear I am either using them as a cover or that I will not reciprocate feelings!

 

Signed,

 

Little Rock

---

 

Dear Little Rock,

 

While it's true that relationships are tricky things, gossip is far worse. Rumors are an ugly thing but sadly, the best you can do is ignore it unless it's true. If you're worried about women thinking that you are not what you say you are, then maybe you're looking to the wrong women. Believe it or not, other people are not stupid and gossip can usually dispelled easily by talking for ten minutes with the victim--i.e. You.

 

As for not living with a female because of 'high moral standards' I would offer you this bit of advice; no matter how high or grand the chocobo, in the end it still smells of dirt and shite.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix

[Jancis]

Dear Master Phoenix,

 

I would like to say that I have been reading your advice column since the very first issue. Truly it is an inspiration for those who are too shy to ask or do not know how to.

 

I am writing in with regards to your advice to Smothered yet Frustrated. I, too, have come to some awkward situations with would be courtiers and wished to write you for clarification. Alas, there are many a lady I know that suffer similar debacles.

 

Upon gathering up this group of, say, bachelors as potential suitors would that need to be all at once with their knowledge of said decision making? Would it help to have some kind of favor system in place, say, giving carnations or another likened object to show affection as other potentials are sadly dismissed? That these men be exposed to different aspects of the, let us just refer to the lady as "bachlor-ette", to see how they react and response to one another given the scenario or "trial" put upon them? Forgive me, I know not how large a venue would have to be in order to conduct such a season of courtship, but is sounds like something a lot of women complain about in the city as they would put it "finding a good man".

 

Plus I want to help out my friend after her sad break up. She deserves a family and children of her own. Any advice on how to coerce her into said plan? I do not think arson will work in this case; she is not a fan of that.

 

Thank you for your advice as always,

 

Jancis

[ZindelloTarantella]

Dear Master Phoenix,

 

I would like to say that I have been reading your advice column since the very first issue. Truly it is an inspiration for those who are too shy to ask or do not know how to.

 

I am writing in with regards to your advice to Smothered yet Frustrated. I, too, have come to some awkward situations with would be courtiers and wished to write you for clarification. Alas, there are many a lady I know that suffer similar debacles.

 

Upon gathering up this group of, say, bachelors as potential suitors would that need to be all at once with their knowledge of said decision making? Would it help to have some kind of favor system in place, say, giving carnations or another likened object to show affection as other potentials are sadly dismissed? That these men be exposed to different aspects of the, let us just refer to the lady as "bachlor-ette", to see how they react and response to one another given the scenario or "trial" put upon them? Forgive me, I know not how large a venue would have to be in order to conduct such a season of courtship, but is sounds like something a lot of women complain about in the city as they would put it "finding a good man".

 

Plus I want to help out my friend after her sad break up. She deserves a family and children of her own. Any advice on how to coerce her into said plan? I do not think arson will work in this case; she is not a fan of that.

 

Thank you for your advice as always,

 

Jancis

 

Dear Jancis,

 

In regards to your suggestion, I will say this:

 

It is quite possibly one of the most humiliating, degrading and absolutely jouvenile things I have ever heard in my life. To march out a group of men or women (or both) for the sole purpose of being culled from the heard one by one for any number of reasons is abominable enough--but to do it in front of an audience for a simple chance to titillate them or engage them in what is already reprehensible behavior is the most-underhanded and emotionally void things I have ever heard of in my life.

 

I love it. Let's get together to discuss it before anyone else takes this idea. I have a feeling we could make quite a large amount of gil based solely on advertising this thing alone.

 

Signed,

 

The Phoenix.