In-Game Harassment

[Robromance]

Hello all! For this thread, I am both asking for advice and for general stories.

 

I recently returned to FFXI because I've been feeling very nostalgic for it lately. As soon as I logged in, however, I remembered why I had left in the first place. Simply put, the person who harassed me in-game for years was online at the time as well, and it wasn't even five minutes before I had five messages from him. It wasn't a terribly... Welcoming or reassuring thing to come back to after being gone for so long, to say the least.

 

I haven't been on again since, but I learned from our very brief exchange that he will be playing ARR. I don't know which server he'll be on, but this makes me now feel extremely uncomfortable about ARR, especially if I play the race and gender that I want to play. 

 

For a number of reasons, I won't be listing his name here or my history with him in this post. The biggest reason being that he is a relatively influential person in the FFXI (and now possibly the FFXIV) community. Suffice it to say there are a number of reasons why I haven't just simply pulled him aside and asked him to stop (although I... have, technically, in the past), or reported him to the GM's.

 

So, as a general question, have any of you lovely people been unfortunately harassed in FFXI before? How did you handle it?

 

For specific advice relating to my situation, what should I do about my character's race and gender? I already have my RP character all planned out, but it may be possible for him to recognize me from my race/gender (or even from appearance, since I was modelling her after my FFXI character originally), or to start harassing me again over it without even realizing it's me. Should I change my characters race and rework a lot about her just to feel safer, or should I bite the bullet and play the character I want to play? 

 

I mean, I still don't even know if he'll even be on the RP server, since he never seemed interested in that kind of thing, but I can't help but feel paranoid nonetheless...

 

If anyone wants/needs any specifics on my situation, please PM me rather than ask about it on this thread. I'm sorry, but I'm just not quite comfortable giving out specifics on a public forum;;

[Gerik]

Why not just /blacklist him?

[Rhio]

Don't change a thing.

 

I admit not knowing the details. I don't know what started the situation. But under absolutely no circumstances is harassing another player acceptable or understandable behavior. I don't care if you ran over his dog, set fire to his home, and personally destroyed everyone he ever loved; harassment isn't all right.

 

Don't change who you plan to play due to outside pressures. If he follows you, tell him to stop, and if he continues to follow you, blacklist him. If he's involved with the RP community, it's possible to politely say "I do not wish to be involved with this player/character for personal reasons." I cannot picture anyone in the community taking issue with that.

 

Don't let the bullies push you around. Push back.

[Robromance]

Do people know if they've been blacklisted or not? Or am I just shown as not online to them?

 

The main reason I haven't done this is because he's pretty good friends with a lot of people in my main friend group. He's also pretty good at getting things done, and my friends have made sure to let me know how valuable he is for them to have as a friend. 

 

Even if there isn't a notification, it's very likely he'd know I was online from my friends talking about me being online or just from seeing me in a group with our buddies. He's pretty smart; he'd be able to put 2 and 2 together and figure out I blacklisted him, and he really doesn't seem like the type who would take too well to that.

 

And I have a feeling that if it came down to a "me or him" situation, which it very well might, I could wind up losing a lot of in-game friends.

 

(additionally: I apologize if I seem overly paranoid. I tend to get pretty cautious when things like this happen, and it's difficult for me to identify when I'm being rightly cautious or overly paranoid.)

[Rhostel]

If they know how he's acted and still prefer to be around him, you need new friends. Those people clearly aren't your friends after all.

[Moltove]

Everything that I wanted to say has already been said, except for:

 

Move on. /blacklist, /ignore, whatever you have at your disposal, use it and move on. If you share similar friends, don't fret about it. It only fuels him. Don't care who it is, don't care how it works, he's not worth your time, so don't give him that time.

 

If your friends throw a stink, it's time to move on from them. This part is actually a bit harder, as being alone in an MMO is lonely, but do know you have the RPC behind you, and making friends is easy. Like...really easy. Join a new guild, and then BAM! new friends. It takes a bit of work to get back to regular grouping with people, but helping others out and chiming in on similarities and funny stuff gets you right where you need in about a weeks time.

 

In a similar situation, every EX I've had has been harassed by their own Exes, before, during and after my relationship with them. It's usually over Facebook or phone texts. All they have to do is block them on Facebook or block them on their phone. Then move on. They have not. They will not learn. Please learn from this-- they won't go away, so you have to do the extra 5 minutes of work to not have to see them again. (The text thing may be a bit harder, as phone companies for some reason don't make it easy to block numbers, but it's still easy enough to ignore texts. It's especially fun to send them pictures of funny cats. Diffuses situations pretty easily)

 

The most important thing to remember is that bullys of the internet tend to stay on the internet. There's been cases where this has...uhm...been not true, so do not give out addresses and phone numbers, but if it gets bad, then the local authorities are the best bet.

 

But if there's no actual life-threatening thing to worry about, then it deserves no attention if you don't want it. /ignore and move on. If it's not a feature in-game by launch, then just ignore his /tells if he manages to find you.

 

From the sounds of it, it seems like you spoke to him. STOP it. Just stop. No matter the circumstance, just stop it. Don't give him clues about what your plans are (in-game and for ARR, as in don't give him locations for him to find your character), don't ask what he's doing, don't even give him the time of day. Just don't talk to him. If you Mis-tell, don't say anything else. I don't care if he blows up your /tell window for 10 minutes-- because that's as long as it's going to last for. Then he'll move on to /tell you a couple days later. He'll blow up your box for five minutes. He'll stop for a week. He'll send single /tells once in a while, but he'll get no response. Why? Cause you ignored him.

 

I'll PM you details on Social List mechanics for FFXIV.

[Blue]

I'm.. a little confused on why does your race and gender cause harassment, or if it's something else causing it (RPing for example, this has happened to me before), but I'm not going to push for details.

 

/blacklist is the first thing you've got to do. And if he starts harassing you with mules, just call a GM. Character harassment is against the Agreement and he'll get sent straight to Mordion Gaol for that.

 

Don't worry about your appearance possibly giving him a clue of your identity on FFXIV. Even with all the new character creator features, these games involve thousands of players, and if there's any chance he'd recognize you in XIV, that would be more likely by the name rather than the appearance, especially if you model your character based on your XI appearance (which are pretty 'flat' characters compared to the new ones you can make (like, hume with pink&black hair and so on). There will be others that will look like you, and the chances that you'd happen on the same server and that he'd recognize you just by the look.. That's super odd and unlikely to happen.

 

If it happens, /blacklist again and, as it's been suggested, move on.

 

If in the meantime before ARR you're still bored and want to give FFXI a try, AND if roleplaying is the reason of the harassment, then you're probably in the wrong group or world.

 

FFXI players nowadays are mostly focused on achievements and have little patience for roleplayers, it's a sad fact but there's solutions to happily co-exist without causing drama. For example, my FFXI LS uses the linkshell chatlog as a /say channel during RP, so that the non-roleplayers, out of our linkshell, cannot see the text (and also, it allows you to watch as a spectator if you want to just sit and look at others RPing in a whole different game region).

 

If you like to roleplay and are missing roleplaying fellows, you're welcome to join us on Siren!

 

Whatever your reasons and decisions will be, never let others change who you are. Don't change what you do or how you do it because of someone's pressure, and don't let it upset you. Shrug it off and keep on walking.

 

Always forgive your enemy: it's what they hate the most.

[Edricane]

Basically what Rhostel said. But you really shouldn't let one person bring you and your enjoyment down. If your friends are that easily won over by a guy that harasses you, then you shouldn't bother being friends with them. Make new friends, which you surely will do in the game and just move on and leave the jerk off behind you.

[Blade]

Even if there isn't a notification, it's very likely he'd know I was online from my friends talking about me being online or just from seeing me in a group with our buddies. He's pretty smart; he'd be able to put 2 and 2 together and figure out I blacklisted him, and he really doesn't seem like the type who would take too well to that.

 

We really aren't concerned with how he feels about the matter. If he's making you uncomfortable, and harassing you, then that's that. He's crossed a line, especially if you have made it clear you don't like it. Don't let yourself get caught in thinking you owe him anything; he's some person on the internet that makes you uncomfortable. Drop him like a bad habit.

 

Blacklisting will make it so that you can't see /tells from him or things that he says. It won't prevent him from running up and finding you in game, however, FFXIV is pretty big, and even if he can find out what area you are in, it'd be pretty difficult to track you down. That being said, and this goes for both FFXI and FFXIV, report his ass if he does that, and a GM will make it clear to him.

 

/blacklist him before you call a GM, as well. That will always be their first suggestion for harassment. If he finds a way to persist and harass you regardless of that, then take it to the GM.

 

Square-Enix wants their game to be a place where people can relax and have fun and enjoy themselves. They don't want it to be a place of cyber bullying, and they will take measures to ensure that stuff doesn't happen. Consider this too; if he's doing it to you, he might be doing it to others, so taking a stand may cause him to learn the error of his ways and second guess himself before harassing someone else. But the bottom line is, don't deal with his crap.

[Dreke Lamorte]

Rhostel's advice is the typical picture perfect advice on the matter, but it's incomplete. (At least in my experience. No disrespect Rhostel. Honestly. I meant it more in a manner of "He covered the right response, but I would go further." Short-sighted wording. Sorry! Please forgive me! :<)

 

If your friends have to be friends with your friends, and similarly enemies with your enemies, you're going to have a hard time making friends in general. You can't, and shouldn't choose who your friends are friends with.

 

Everyone enjoys different relationships with everyone. So some of your friends may see an entirely different side of this person who is harassing you.

 

What you could do is broach the subject with everyone, including him. Tell him your position and if he chooses to continue harassing you, let him know you intend /blist him for x amount of time. After that time passes, he will have the ability to try being civil again.

 

As soon as you conclude whether you have to /blist him or not, make your mutual friends aware of your position, and if they have a problem with it, that would be their problem. Not yours.

 

I would also suggest, that if some of them are really your friends, and really so disapproving of the way you handle your own relationships, that as your mutual friends, you would appreciate their mediation in resolving the conflict.

 

In essence, Rhostel has the straight of it, but we all know that friendship does not mean possession, or blind loyalty, or control of said friend...

 

...But, be prepared to agree to disagree with your current friends. If they only need such a minor difference of opinion to change their relationship with you for the worse, than it should be for that reason that you re-evaluate your friendship. Not the reason to fold on your own feelings and emotions and cave in to the pressure of someone who will disrespect you and harass you.

 

In short, my advice, do what you gotta do for you, and if your friends disapprove, then they're not friends of yours for the right reasons.

[Robromance]

Thank you all very much for all the advice you've given me. I think, in light of what's been discussed, I will be pulling aside one or two of my most closest friends within our group and talk about what's been going on. At the very least, I'll be /blisting him once I get in the game, and hopefully that will be the last I ever have to hear from him.

 

I don't know if I'll be able to play in the big groups with them in particular any more, and I know I'll miss quite a few of the people in them and the good times we had in the past. However, if I am at least able to still group with and be friends with the two I mentioned before, I think I will be okay with that. I can always find another big group to be a part of. I don't mind if they're still friends with him, but I am hoping they'll understand where I'm coming from and will still want to be friends with me after I explain myself. 

 

If they don't, well.... I'm sure I'll be able to make new friends in ARR. The entire theme of the game is a fresh start, and that is what I will be looking forward to having once I start playing. Thank you all again for the advice. You are all wonderful people. nwn

[Rhostel]

Rhostel's advice is the typical picture perfect advice on the matter, but it's wrong.

 

If your friends have to be friends with your friends, and similarly enemies with your enemies, you're going to have a hard time making friends in general. You can't, and shouldn't choose who your friends are friends with.

 

Everyone enjoys different relationships with everyone. So some of your friends may see an entirely different side of this person who is harassing you.

 

In essence, Rhostel has the straight of it, but we all know that friendship does not mean possession, or blind loyalty, or control of said friend...

 

That's not what I said. You're looking at implications that aren't there, not my actual words.

 

Having differences with friends of friends is natural and nothing to worry about. That's why they're friends of friends instead of straight-up friends. But when someone's a harassing douchebag and your 'friends' care more about not doing anything to make him feel uncomfortable than worrying about your discomfort, they are not really your friends. They are his friends, and you're just someone they don't mind having around.

 

I also said that assuming that Robromance actually has talked about this to the group in question. If it's still secret from them, that advice doesn't apply and Robro should know that without me having to say so. I started that post with 'If they know' for a reason. :thumbsup:

 

 

@Robro - Sounds like a decent plan. :moogle:

[drake2k]

I'm not going to read everyone's replies so please forgive me if this is redundant information.

 

1. Blacklist him in FFXI,  if he managed to message you on another character, Blacklist that one too. No one can tell they've been blacklisted, it just appears that you're ignoring them which brings me to 2.

 

2.  Ignore them.  Don't respond in any way shape or form.  You'll just be feeding the troll.  I don't see a need to report them to a GM because if they and all their mules are blacklisted then you won't see anything they type to you.

 

3. Report to GM if it gets out of hand.  If they start having all their buddies message you or create new characters just to bypass the blacklist.  This is a bannable offense in the eyes of the GM's.

 

ARR

 

I suggest using a different name on ARR.  Nothing that can point you to your previous character.  If you're name is Someguy, then you want to avoid using Someguy Valefor as an ARR name.

 

What about my friends that know me you say?  Simple, if they really are your friends you can let them know what your ARR name is and carry on.

 

--

 

In an extreme case in FFXI you might consider a server/name change.

 

--

 

People in general can be a real pain.  Don't let someone have power over you by letting them sap what fun and enjoyment you have out of the game.  It is a game after all.  If it's not fun, move on to something else, change servers start over, whatever it takes to just enjoy yourself.  That's what it's all about right?

[Arlon]

I can't say anything that hasn't been said already. I agree with it all. /Blist him and anyone who is harassing you. Most of all, ignore him, DO NOT REPLY to texts, tells, messages, Nothing! He'll get sick of seeing outgoing tells/messages soon and leave you alone. If it persists past a few days, it's time to call a GM.

 

No one should fear coming on to a video game and playing with friends. This is supposed to be enjoyable for everyone. You have all of our support. You have friends here.

 

 

Here, have some chocobos!

:chocobo::chocobo::chocobo::chocobo::chocobo::chocobo::chocobo::chocobo:

[ZinJaeger]

I'm with Arlon on that one :-) That was smartly put