Backstory Feedback

[Hinoto-no-Ryuji]

Hey everyone! First-time poster here. 

 

I'm not much of a roleplayer, but I enjoy crafting characters and their stories and having a sense of who I'm playing as and where they came from. To that end, I've been putting together a backstory of Ryuji, my character, and have it all typed up here.

 

What I'm interested in now is a bit of feedback. I want to know what people experienced in this sort of thing think of it on like...a conceptual level. Too complicated? Too generic? On the right track? Also, I'd like to make sure I'm getting the details right; while I think I have a pretty solid grasp on the game's world and name lore, it couldn't hurt to make sure everything fits within it.

 

Anyways, it's little more than a summary, character list, map, and timeline, and it's kinda lengthy, but I'd love to hear what you all think!

[Nebbs]

I would say you have more than enough detail there. Possibly too much and it may prevent you adapting when you start to RP.

 

In terms of extra..

 

Have a think about Ryuji himself (great name btw;)), his feelings, what makes him happy/sad/angry, what his dreams are, how he engages with others stand-offish/fun/aloof.. and other personal traits. Often the flaws become the best features of a character.

 

I'd also bring out more the Japanese honor side because I suspect there is a lot in there that would overlay the situation he finds himself in. Then when he gets to these barbarian lands how does he feel about what was good about his own culture.

 

 

For myself I tend to have rough notes that lay things out (a bit like you have but not as detailed), then I flesh out things a bit before I play (enough to create a short bio) and then firm the rest up as it goes. I keep a note of things I lock in so that I'm consistent.

[Hinoto-no-Ryuji]

Thanks! It's true, I definitely approached this with more of an eye to the backstory than the character himself (like I said, not much of a roleplayer), but all of that is stuff I hadn't considered either way, and you've got me thinking. I'll have to go about fleshing out Ryuji himself as a person now ^^

[Sounsyy]

What I'm interested in now is a bit of feedback. I want to know what people experienced in this sort of thing think of it on like...a conceptual level. Too complicated? Too generic? On the right track? Also, I'd like to make sure I'm getting the details right; while I think I have a pretty solid grasp on the game's world and name lore, it couldn't hurt to make sure everything fits within it.

 

It's a very detailed backstory, has a lot of great story elements, and you seem to have a pretty firm grasp on the lore! So no worries on that front. My only real suggestion as far as the background goes is to say that sometimes less is more. A lot of tiny details comes with a very detailed background, but sometimes the story can get lost in those details. Beyond that, there were a few things that caught my eye.

 

 

 

The first and most immediate is the city of Teibo having eluded the Empire's notice for well over twenty-five years despite being located rather centrally in Othard. With Bozja immediately to the west, Doma across the river to the east, Rabanastre somewhere to the south - it just seems that it'd be nearly impossible for a settlement the size of a city (sometimes you refer to it as village, othertimes a city?) to escape the empire's notice for so long right under their very noses, especially if Teibo had ever held trade with any of those cities in the past - someone would've known of its location?

 

I could see a more remote location working better, such as the foot of the Arras in the north or in the Tail Mountains? At least this offers the protection of the Garleans having to send its armies across the Azim Steppe to scout out Teibo's location when it likely would not need to, having assumed it already conquered all of Othard's known cities in the south. Alternatively, as Teibo eventually is discovered in the backstory anyways and submits to Garlean rule, having them do this earlier could also work. A different catalyst could just as easily drive Kagetora to send Ryuji in the direction of Eorzea for aid, such as the razing of Doma and Teibo fearing it will be next?

 

 

Second is Greylic's Bend in the south. This is another instance where it seems difficult to believe that a port town of all places would've escaped Garlean notice? According to the map, despite this southern region being shrouded, we can catch glimpses of Othard's southern desert region through the clouds, and place names up the narrow clouded region let us know that this is the Far East's landbridge to Ilsabard. We believe Rabanastre to be situated somewhere in that cloud cover, and know from the MSQ that it is also under Garlean control. This is likely where much of Garlemald's landbased army marched into the Far East, working its way down the Anchorite to Rabanastre and Greylic's Bend and then north towards Yanxia while their airships flew across the Sea of Knowing to besiege Bozja if they didn't submit on their own. In short, this is another region that should be under Garlean control and occupation for many, many years now. Again, considering that the port is just recently come under Garlean control when Gen and Ryuji arrive in the backstory, it seems like it'd just be easier to have had it always under Garlean control. Seeing as how the Far East and Eorzea have been trading steadily despite Garlean occupation for decades, it shouldn't matter overly much if they exit through a Garlean controlled port or not.

 

 

During a particularly vicious battle on the Doman Front of Garlemald’s Eastern campaign' date=' the fourth through sixth cohorts of the [--'] Imperial Legion are decimated, leaving a scattered few hundred of nearly 2000.

 

While we don't know how many legions were utilized in the invasion of Othard, we do know that the XIVth led by Gaius van Baelsar and the VIIth led by Nael van Darnus were both present in the invasion of Othard. Nael van Darnus's VIIth legion was actually stationed somewhere in Othard until 1572 where they were reassigned to Ala Mhigo to bolster the XIVth and resume the second incarnation of the Meteor Project. Given lore on how Nael van Darnus treated the Ala Mhigans when (s)he arrived, it's likely that the VIIth legion was also in control of Doma for the roughly ten year period after Bozja's obliteration in 1562.

 

Going to quickly drop in my own little Garlean activities timeline, though your timeline already accounted for most of it quite well!

1528 (49 y/a) - The Garlean Empire begins its invasion into Othard, attacking Rabanastre and Bozja.

c.1530 - The Othardian nations summon an unknown primal to stall the Garlean advance.

1552 (25 y/a) - The Garleans seize Doma, crushing the last resisting nation in the Far East.

1553 (24 y/a) - With the remaining lands of Othard quickly being annexed, Garlemald turns its attention towards Eorzea and begins attacking Ala Mhigo.

1557 (20 y/a) - Ala Mhigo finally falls after Garlean infiltrators incite civil war in the city-state.

1562 (15 y/a) - After amassing their forces in Ala Mhigo, Garlemald pushes south into Eorzea, seeking to lay claim to Silvertear Lake in Mor Dhona, but are thwarted by Midgardsormr and the Dravanians he calls to war. This singular event, later known as the Battle of Silvertear Skies, is the catalyst for almost every major world event to follow.

1562 cont. - In the massive explosion of aether from Silvertear, the first primals are summoned from the fears of the Beast tribes. From then on, the tribes learn to summon these primals repeatedly against their enemies.

1562 cont. - Garlemald, utterly crushed, retreats to Ala Mhigo and begins construction on Baelsar's Wall to keep the beast tribes and their "eikons" at bay.

1562 cont. - Seeking a method to defeat Eorzea's primals, the Emperor gives the okay for the Midas nan Garlond's and Nael van Darnus's "Meteor Project," seeking to use the power of Dalamud as a weapon against Eorzea. Their first test site is Bozja, the largest commercial hub in Othard.

1562 cont. - Dalamud awakens and a beam of energy evaporates the entire city of Bozja, desolating the entire region. Garlemald attempts to coverup this "Bozja Incident" but it is impossible. Fear spreads throughout Othard. Nael van Darnus takes her failure out on the Othardians, worsening conditions there. The first whispers of resistance begin.

1572 (5 y/a) - Nael van Darnus and her VIIth Legion leave the Far East and occupy Ala Mhigo, driving the slaves there to redouble their military efforts. The VIIth and XIVth Legions harry the city-states, cutting off trade routes in and out of Eorzea and shooting down airships over Eorzean skies. Trade between the Far East and Eorzea begins to dwindle.

1572 cont. - The second incarnation of the Meteor Project comes to fruition in the recently Garlean occupied Mor Dhona. Dalamud descends upon Eorzea. The XIVth Legion retreats to Ala Mhigo to crush Ala Mhigan resistance there. The VIIth Legion entrenches itself in Mor Dhona, sending out cohorts to attack the city-states.

1572 cont. - The Calamity and the start of the 7th Umbral Era. The calendar Year resets to Year 1. For the next 5 years, the XIVth Legion pushes into Eorzea, creating castrums to prepare for another round of invasion. However, all further aggression halts as Garlean Emperor Solus zos Galvus's health sharply declines.

0005 7th Umbral Era (~1 y/a) - Operation Archon. The Eorzean Alliance pushes back in a unified assault on all Garlean castrums, rooting any planned Imperial advance. Gaius van Baelsar, legatus of the XIVth Legion is slain. The empire quickly sends reinforcements to the Eorzean castrums to hold their position.

0001 7th Astral Era (~1 y/a) - Solus zos Galvus passes. A War of Succession breaks out between the Emperor's youngest son and the Emperor's grandson. During this War of Succession, the resistance in Doma rebels, taking back several cities and towns from the Garleans.

0001 cont. - The War of Succession ends abruptly with the grandson, Varis zos Galvus, taking control over his uncle. Varis tightens his grip on the East, the Doman rebellion is put down, its capitol is razed, and anyone captured associated with the rebellion is publicly executed alongside their families as an example to Othard's other peoples.

0001 cont. - Yugiri and any surviving Doman refugees sail to the nation of Hingashi (and its cities Kugane and Bukyo) seeking asylum. Hingashi refuses them. The refugees sail to Thavnair. They are also refused there. Yugiri then turns towards Eorzea, sailing for two months to reach Vesper, whereupon Ul'dah also refuses them aid. The Doman refugees finally settle in a border town in Mor Dhona called Revenant's Toll.

 

 

 

Hope this helps! ^^ In any case, I thought the story was quite good and very creatively woven into the lore of Othard that we do know. I think perhaps too much attention to detail was given in some places versus others (such as Ryuji seemingly being the least fleshed out character in the cast), but that might be rectified as you write more story, or roleplay should you decide to jump into that.

[Hinoto-no-Ryuji]

Wow, thanks for the feedback, Sounsyy!

 

The first and most immediate is the city of Teibo having eluded the Empire's notice for well over twenty-five years despite being located rather centrally in Othard. With Bozja immediately to the west, Doma across the river to the east, Rabanastre somewhere to the south - it just seems that it'd be nearly impossible for a settlement the size of a city (sometimes you refer to it as village, othertimes a city?) to escape the empire's notice for so long right under their very noses, especially if Teibo had ever held trade with any of those cities in the past - someone would've known of its location?

 

I could see a more remote location working better, such as the foot of the Arras in the north or in the Tail Mountains? At least this offers the protection of the Garleans having to send its armies across the Azim Steppe to scout out Teibo's location when it likely would not need to, having assumed it already conquered all of Othard's known cities in the south.

 

Ah, yeah, I'll admit to coming up with the population figure on the fly, and probably should have done more in the way of researching Edo-era population demographics. The idea - which I didn't get into a whole lot - is that Teibo and the others weren't regional powerhouses, but weren't completely insignificant either. A cursory look tells me that a population of could probably be reduced to something like a thousand people or less and still fit that bill, and would make it a bit more believable that it could slip through the cracks as an isolated mountain village. 

 

Regarding location, I figured it made the most sense to situate Teibo in Yanxia for cultural/racial reasons, and originally - back before we had our current map and I was operating off of Encyclopedia descriptions - it actually *was* the furthest north (but I had assumed the Steppe to be in the western half of the continent, rather than the bulk of the north). My reasoning behind it having not been discovered was its own self-imposed uninvolvement and isolation - surely Garlemald, occupied by frontline warfare against a dedicated resistance, wouldn't put much effort towards scouring mountainside villages if there was no sign of anything that could cause them trouble, and afterwards would be more focused on securing the major points of occupation as they rebuilt their military strength for the Eorzean campaign? But it does seem to be a bit too out in the open, for sure. Perhaps having it exist a bit more among the interior of the Fanged Crescent, rather than at its foot, would make things more believable? Or, perhaps, have them know about Teibo but not consider it worth the soldiers until a different Legion is put in charge of the region.

 

Alternatively, as Teibo eventually is discovered in the backstory anyways and submits to Garlean rule, having them do this earlier could also work. A different catalyst could just as easily drive Kagetora to send Ryuji in the direction of Eorzea for aid, such as the razing of Doma and Teibo fearing it will be next?

 

I actually did toy with the idea of having Ryuji live in an occupied Teibo for a time before departing, but I couldn't think of a good reason for Kagetora to wait (especially since sending Ryuji would be more difficult with an entrenched Imperial presence), and I wanted the timing to line up so that Ryuji would be arriving just in time for ARR to start. I'll give thought to a different catalyst, though, or maybe find a way to delay his departure from Greylic's Bend so that the Empire could discover Teibo closer to the conclusion of their war effort.

 

So, in summary:

(1) Reduce the population of Teibo (which I should do anyways) and/or place it further within the Fanged Crescent; or

(2) Have the Empire discover and occupy Teibo earlier (a year or two after Doma falls, perhaps?), with a different catalyst for Ryuji behind sent abroad; or

(3) Have the Empire discover and occupy Teibo earlier, and have Ryuji's odyssey across Othard take longer.

 

Second is Greylic's Bend in the south. [...]  In short, this is another region that should be under Garlean control and occupation for many, many years now. Again, considering that the port is just recently come under Garlean control when Gen and Ryuji arrive in the backstory, it seems like it'd just be easier to have had it always under Garlean control. Seeing as how the Far East and Eorzea have been trading steadily despite Garlean occupation for decades, it shouldn't matter overly much if they exit through a Garlean controlled port or not.

 

This is a great point, and very easily rectified, too; I can always have the refugee smuggling take place under the nose of the Imperial forces and make it so that they were recently found out, and not need to change anything else. Definitely something I'll be changing!

 

And yeah, Ryuji needs fleshing out. I've noticed there are quite a few tools around this site to help with that, so I'll be making use of those, along with applying some of the advice given by Nebbs. Thanks again!

 

Also, a quick request - do you have a full version of that labeled map that you posted? Trying to find a decent-quality one with the labels translated proved pretty trying when I was working on this.

[Sounsyy]

Also, a quick request - do you have a full version of that labeled map that you posted? Trying to find a decent-quality one with the labels translated proved pretty trying when I was working on this.

 

I do, yes. That said, because image quality some of the place names are rather difficult to accurately translate so bear that in mind. The Gorvos/Dorvos/Corvos region debacle continues, for example. The Anchorite looks like it could either be a C or G, but the Narrow below it is an obvious D, but my ocd will not allow me to have the Anchorite of Corvos right above the Dorvos Narrow. It's like saying there's a Doerthas River in Coerthas. So, until we get a more clear version of the map... maybe sort out some of the mistakes, such as the potentially mislabeled Isle of Yorn. Some of the place names in Hingashi were also difficult to differentiate from artistic wave rendering.

 

Anywho, full map: