Looking for Some Constructive Comments

[Sylentmana]

So I'm looking to re-purpose an older character I didn't do much with into a new character concept and I'd like to get some opinions from others. I want to make sure she's not breaking any lore and get a feel for what people think. The idea is still pretty rough and I haven't developed some of the finer details.

 

So the idea is she's a Hyur Midlander and a Doman refugee named Akiyama no Ryoko. In Doma, she was this world's equivalent of a miko (shrine maiden) alongside her sister and she comes from a long line of priests and priestesses. During the razing of Doma, the Garleans destroyed her shrine and murdered her family. Ryoko only survived because her sister, who was essentially a powerful conjurer, cast a protective spell over her at the last minute.

 

Class/job wise she is an archer/bard, though she also has some skill with polearms and unarmed combat. She has the natural ability to infuse her weapons and arrows with, what she believes is sacred spiritual power (its aetheric in nature). This is used to explain the flashiness of many of the class's abilities. For the more basic abilities, she does this naturally through force of will, but for the more advanced and flashier abilities, she uses a combination of her family's sacred incantations and poetry (haiku's mostly since those are shorter, easier to write, and more suited to combat) to infuse the weapon/arrows with power.

 

Since her arrival in Eorzea, a new friend gifted her with a minstrel's harp which she has been learning to play and has been adding music to the mix of her incantations and poetry. Personality wise, she rather even keeled and quiet, preferring to listen more than speak in group settings. She naturally has a deep and profound hatred of Garleans and any who willing serve them.

 

This is what I've got so far. I welcome any constructive comments and criticism as well as questions (they help me to further flesh out my character by forcing me to think about details I had not considered). Thank you for your time.

[C'kayah Polaali]

So far so good. You've developed a pretty decent explanation of her abilities. I think the next step would be to start fleshing out the character some more. You've described her personality a bit, but I'm curious about her. How is she dealing with the loss of her family and the loss of her country? What are her goals?

[Sig]

So I'm looking to re-purpose an older character I didn't do much with into a new character concept and I'd like to get some opinions from others. I want to make sure she's not breaking any lore and get a feel for what people think. The idea is still pretty rough and I haven't developed some of the finer details.

 

So the idea is she's a Hyur Midlander and a Doman refugee named Akiyama no Ryoko. In Doma, she was this world's equivalent of a miko (shrine maiden) alongside her sister and she comes from a long line of priests and priestesses.

 

• The shrine maiden concept is refreshing and probably consistent with Doman lore.  Good call. 
  

During the razing of Doma, the Garleans destroyed her shrine and murdered her family. Ryoko only survived because her sister, who was essentially a powerful conjurer, cast a protective spell over her at the last minute.

 

• "The Garleans destroyed EVERYTHING" is somewhat over-played.  I'm guilty of this plot angle myself, as are many other RP'ers.  You might want to consider different antagonists for the sake of originality or spice it up with a few fun facts.  Perhaps a rival priesthood sect forced her family out?  Also consider dropping the "LAST KNOWN SURVIVOR" angle too, as it is overdone.  
  

Class/job wise she is an archer/bard, though she also has some skill with polearms and unarmed combat. She has the natural ability to infuse her weapons and arrows with, what she believes is sacred spiritual power (its aetheric in nature). This is used to explain the flashiness of many of the class's abilities.

 

• Combat appears fine.  Flashy but fine.  However, where would she have learned proficiency with multiple types of weapons if she was a shrine maiden?  Try to explain this. 
  

For the more basic abilities, she does this naturally through force of will, but for the more advanced and flashier abilities, she uses a combination of her family's sacred incantations and poetry (haiku's mostly since those are shorter, easier to write, and more suited to combat) to infuse the weapon/arrows with power.

 

• Magical haikus are really cool.  Make sure to keep that. 
  

Since her arrival in Eorzea, a new friend gifted her with a minstrel's harp which she has been learning to play and has been adding music to the mix of her incantations and poetry. Personality wise, she rather even keeled and quiet, preferring to listen more than speak in group settings. She naturally has a deep and profound hatred of Garleans and any who willing serve them.

 

• Throw the poor Garleans a bone. 
  

This is what I've got so far. I welcome any constructive comments and criticism as well as questions (they help me to further flesh out my character by forcing me to think about details I had not considered). Thank you for your time.

 

 

Take my subjective criticism with a grain of salt.  I like the overall concept.  So please see comments above in red.

[Anthony Valron]

Poster above me had a lot of good points.

 

Avoid the Lone Survivor trope - a hatred of Garleans is well and good, but if she's a Priestess, perhaps the invasion could be believed to have been some form of fate, or punishment for Auri sins?

 

I don't know anything about the Auri lore at all, but that's kind of a cool idea.

[Berrod Armstrong]

Keep the Garleans, imo. They are the enemy out there, and they have affected everyone. It will give your character solidarity with others who have suffered at their hands, and make it easier to connect. 

 

"To many people take the Garlean angle" shouldn't be a thing because the Garleans are a HUGE problem for people in that area.

[Warren Castille]

"Too many people hate the primary antagonists" doesn't sound like a problem to my ears. They've canonically destroyed multiple cities by now, along with an attempt at genociding the entire area.

 

They're the bad guys.

[Oli!]

I'm okay with Yes Garleans or No Garleans. They're Everywhere and Ruin Everything, so it's no big issue.

 

If you do go with them, what I would want to know / suggest you would think about is how the passive elements of her spirituality would interact with the Garlean threat. Would she throw out all that her religion teaches about peace for the sake of Killing All Garleans, or would she still maintain the ability to see things from their side or empathize with their commonfolk and "just doin' my job" soliders, despite the fact that they turned her life on its head? Would she want to hate them on a personal level, but run into conflict when her stated beliefs don't endorse that level of hatred?

 

Could be some depth there.

[Dravus]

I disagree with the idea that the Garleans are the 'bad guys'. If anything, they're likely to be well intentioned extremists - especially since the lore team seem to be doing an excellent job at ensuring the story isn't black or white.

 

Eorzea was at war at itself - and still is to some extent - before Garlemald entered the picture. If not for Ala Mhigo being humbled we'd likely still see Ala Mhigo trying to take over the rest of Eorzea.

 

There's certainly horrible elements within Garlemald that need to be cut out, but there's a strong chance that it'll turn out to be like Archades in FFXII - and much like Eorzea, be made up of both good and bad elements.

 

Does it make sense for people in Eorzea to loathe the Garlean Empire? Sure - but people need to be careful not to screw themselves over by writing their character into a corner they can't easily get out of - especially given that Garlemald is, ultimately, made up of both combatants and non-combatants alike. It's not without redeeming qualities (as evidenced by Gaius' compelling motives/the fact that Nael's antics were heavily opposed by many Garleans).

[Flickering Ember]

Keep the Garleans, imo. They are the enemy out there, and they have affected everyone. It will give your character solidarity with others who have suffered at their hands, and make it easier to connect. 

 

"To many people take the Garlean angle" shouldn't be a thing because the Garleans are a HUGE problem for people in that area.

 

"Too many people hate the primary antagonists" doesn't sound like a problem to my ears. They've canonically destroyed multiple cities by now, along with an attempt at genociding the entire area.

 

They're the bad guys.

 

 

They are antagonists so it does make a lot of sense.

However, 'what makes sense' can also be particularly vanilla.

There's nothing wrong with vanilla if your aim is to not have a unique backstory. If that is your aim, then you should probably avoid/tone down the vanilla.

[Oli!]

Keep the Garleans, imo. They are the enemy out there, and they have affected everyone. It will give your character solidarity with others who have suffered at their hands, and make it easier to connect. 

 

"To many people take the Garlean angle" shouldn't be a thing because the Garleans are a HUGE problem for people in that area.

 

"Too many people hate the primary antagonists" doesn't sound like a problem to my ears. They've canonically destroyed multiple cities by now, along with an attempt at genociding the entire area.

 

They're the bad guys.

 

 

They are antagonists so it does make a lot of sense.

However, 'what makes sense' can also be particularly vanilla.

There's nothing wrong with vanilla if your aim is to not have a unique backstory. If that is your aim, then you should probably avoid/tone down the vanilla.

 

 

Uniqueness comes in the way that you sell something, and the way that you add on more to it. The background is not the be-all and end-all.

 

If I were to tell you that Superman and Dragon Ball Z are the same series and are therefore not unique, you'd look at me like I was crazy, and I'd say, "yeah, their main characters are both super powerful alien children that came to earth from blown-up planets in pods when they were little, get adopted by old people out in the middle of nowhere that teach them Earth Morals, and then go on to save the world over and over with their Good Punching Skills," and then you'd call me an idiot because they're not the same at all.

 

That's because they diverged and went in different directions, and also sold their Same On Paper backstories differently.

[Warren Castille]

There are no original stories, only original ways of telling them.

 

Or something.

[Flickering Ember]

 

Uniqueness comes in the way that you sell something, and the way that you add on more to it. The background is not the be-all and end-all.

 

If I were to tell you that Superman and Dragon Ball Z are the same series and are therefore not unique, you'd look at me like I was crazy, and I'd say, "yeah, their main characters are both super powerful alien children that came to earth from blown-up planets in pods when they were little, get adopted by old people out in the middle of nowhere that teach them Earth Morals, and then go on to save the world over and over with their Good Punching Skills," and then you'd call me an idiot because they're not the same at all.

 

That's because they diverged and went in different directions, and also sold their Same On Paper backstories differently.

 

There are no original stories, only original ways of telling them.

 

Or something.

 

This is true. However, I'd take into consideration that this line of thinking is a bit different in terms of RP communities. In RP communities 'character trends' are something that happens often. For example, ever since astrologians came out, there has been a huge surge in RP character population of characters who can do tarot card readings.

 

Because we are in a RP community where we cannot control what other people play as vs. being just a gamer/spectator/movie-goer/reader where we can choose what stories we partake in, there are certain types of stories, traits, ideas etc. that can easily be loaded up on. I would argue that after a certain number of these within the community there are points where I get tired of some things. (Though it would be rude of me to go around advertising such things!)

 

Another example: I'm sure writers can still write some original ways in telling stories about princesses. But right now I am so overdosed on them that I don't honestly care how well done they are.

 

You can only do so much when you are cohabiting the same universe too. (DBZ and Superman examples which have the benefit of being in separate universes/canons and thus vary widely because of it.)

 

Anyway, this isn't about what everyone else wants. It's about what you want as a roleplayer. What would you have fun with? The difference here is that OP is asking for feedback. Otherwise I would never see much worth in bringing up what other people might think.

[Sylentmana]

Thank you guys so much! These comments have been very helpful and have given me a lot to think about. I realize that I didn't give a lot in the way of details this time around, but as this was a rough concept of sorts, I didn't really have a whole lot to give. I'm going to write out a much more detailed background later that will hopefully fill in some of the blanks I left out. I'll post that one for review when its finished.

 

I do want to address some other comments though. First is the question of her weapons proficiency. The OOC reason is that she was originally a non-RP character that I never finished leveling and I leveled several classes with her and I didn't just want to ignore them. Those classes are Archer, Lancer, Pugilist, and Botanist. Since she is based on the Shinto priestess, archery seemed to make sense as it is used in Shinto for performing rituals as are song, dance, and poetry. There are also several Miko in anime well known for their archery skills.

 

As for the Lancer skills, that one is still a little iffy. I thought I could do something with the naginata as it was considered to be a feminine weapon in medieval Japan. I might just have to drop it from her background though and have her learn the skills later in Gridania. This is what I'm going to have her do for the Pugilist class, so in regards to her background, she actually hasn't learned any hand-to-hand combat techniques yet and I shouldn't have put that in there.

 

Lastly, in regards to her feelings toward Garleans I didn't clarify it, but she's not a "must kill all Garleans and their sympathizers" type person. She prefers peaceful solutions to conflict and if faced with a Garlean, so long as they aren't a threat to her or others, she wouldn't attack them. She would be very icy toward them, though. She's not out for destroying the Empire, but she does want to see them cease their aggression and withdraw their occupation of her homeland. There is one in particular she does want revenge on and that's the commander (I need to research Garlean rank structure) who ordered the destruction of her shrine and the murder of her family.

[Caspar]

Perhaps make the focus on some other, more vague aspect of Doman lore. I felt that the Garleans would be an important force in the background of my storyline regardless, so I instead focus on the mind sets of people losing a war and try to imagine scenarios that could happen as a more indirect consequence of the razing. Infighting in particular, in my case, but in yours maybe a crisis of faith or a schism between your character and other Domans of the same order.

 

If she is the "miko archer" character, since we know Doma is similar to feudal Japan and was warlike due to a feudal nobility existing, it stands to reason that martial skills aren't that hard to come by, probably not unlike Ala Mhigo. Perhaps the bow was not so much a weapon to her at first but a tool of ceremony.

[Sounsyy]

There is one in particular she does want revenge on and that's the commander (I need to research Garlean rank structure) who ordered the destruction of her shrine and the murder of her family.

 

Can help with that!

 

The rise of the Garlean Empire in the Year 1522 of the Sixth Astral Era led to significant changes in the structure of the Garlean society. This is most evident in the adoption of titles which serve to indicate an individual's place within the social hierarchy. The following information was compiled with the aid of informants within the empire and has yet to be verified:

 

Royalty

Zos - The emperor

Yae - Member of the royal family in line of succession

Wir - Member of the royal family with no claim to the throne.

 

Military

Van - Legatus (Commands a Legion)

Tol - Tribunus laticlavius or Tribunus militum (Commands a Cohor)

Sas - Tribunus angusticlavius or Praefectus castrorum (Commands Castrums)

Rem - Primus pilus or Pilus prior (Commands a Manipulus)

Quo - Primi ordines or Centurion (Commands a Centuriae)

Pyr - Optio, Tesserarius, or Decurion (???)

Oen - Duplicarius or Legionarius (Footsoldier?)

 

Specialists

Nan - Chief engineer or engineer

Mal - Primus medicus or senior magitek technician

Lux - Chief medicus or magitek technician

Kir - Senior medicus or senior technician

Jen - Medicus or technician

 

Public Officials

Iyl - Dictator or Princeps senatus

Het - Consul, Praetor, Tribunus plebis, Aedilis, or Quaestor

Goe - Censor

Fae - Unknown

Eir - Unknown

Dus - Lictor

 

This hierarchy extends to the general populace as well, though it is far less complex. The majority of citizens bear the "Ban" title, and there is a smaller group which appears to be comprised of respected artisans who have adopted the "Cen" title.

 

The "Aan" title is bestowed upon the peoples of annexed territories and indicates that they lack even the most basic rights afforded to a citizen. However, many Garleans view this as an opportunity rather than a condemnation, as citizenship may be granted to those who have demonstrated exceptional skills, as well as those who have contributed twenty or more years of military service.

 

The army is divided into fourteen large-scale units known as legions, and each legion is comprised of ten infantry battalions known as cohors. These cohors are further broken down into three companies, or manipuli. Finally, a manipulus consists of two platoons, or centuriae. Individual soldiers tend to be defined by their role, such as hoplomachi or eques.

 

 

[Sylentmana]

Ok, so on the drive home, I had an idea that I really like that will play more on the supernatural aspects of her character. The idea is that her shrine was built to house a powerful oni (voidsent) that local legends say ravaged the area 1000 or so years ago. The creature had been sealed away in a box (or maybe an urn) by Ryoko's ancient ancestors then placed in a closed off area of the shrine which is dedicated to the local Kami. It was the job of the priests and priestess who came after to look after the seal and renew the wards.

 

When the Doman rebels attempted to drive out the Empire, a stray blast from a magitek armor or perhaps a rebel mage found its way into the shrine, breaking the seal on the voidsent thereby releasing it. In revenge for its imprisonment, it intended to wipe out all the descendants of those who sealed it away.

 

It managed to devour Ryoko's parents before they could respond. Ryoko's and her sister, Shizuka, fought the beast, but were no match. Using the last of her power, Shizuka managed to drive off the voidsent, who had not yet recovered from its imprisonment. Unfortunately, she was mortally wounded in the process and died in her sister's arms. Ryoko then swore to avenge her family and fulfill her duty by finding and either destroying or resealing the beast.

 

Shortly after, the Empire began its razing of Doma so Ryoko left with the other refugees for Eorzea. Since the voidsent was still in a weakened state, she believed it would posses a mortal host and travel there as well since Eorzea was said to be overflowing with spiritual power (aka aether).

 

I feel like this backstory would play to the strength of Ryoko's "mystical archer Miko" archetype and relieve some of the overdone Garlean hate. Of course, she still holds a great dislike for them, but not to the same level as before. So, what do you guys think?

[Caspar]

I like it. I'm all about themes of duty and responsibility to a cause, and it has the classic feel of a miko's supernatural element in Japanese fiction. Her knowledge of voidsent and hatred of garlemald gives you flexibility to pursue new stories once this plot line concludes.

[Sylentmana]

I like it. I'm all about themes of duty and responsibility to a cause, and it has the classic feel of a miko's supernatural element in Japanese fiction. Her knowledge of voidsent and hatred of garlemald gives you flexibility to pursue new stories once this plot line concludes.

 

I thought so as well. It helps prevent me from writing myself into a corner and seems a little less mundane. I'm glad you like it.

[Desitjant]

As for the Lancer skills, that one is still a little iffy. I thought I could do something with the naginata as it was considered to be a feminine weapon in medieval Japan. I might just have to drop it from her background though and have her learn the skills later in Gridania. This is what I'm going to have her do for the Pugilist class, so in regards to her background, she actually hasn't learned any hand-to-hand combat techniques yet and I shouldn't have put that in there.

 

For my two gil, I would say either make the the lancer skills another part of her backstory (distinct in some way from her role as a shrine maiden) or incorporate them into her current narrative trajectory. It is true that the naginata was used by certain women in Japan in defensive and even military capacities, but the women who used them were somewhat different from the character you're describing:

 

1) Most of the female naginata-wielders were not warriors, but they would have been members of the warrior class/caste. Naginata may not have the same cultural significance as the set of samurai swords, but not just anyone would have them. They required a higher level of craftsmanship than other polearms (the construction process of the blade is no different from a katana), making them objects of value - part of a bride's dowry, even.

 

2) An onna bugeisha, the iconic naginata-wielding woman appearing in art or literature, was kinda on a different level from those who were simply trained in its use. This description of one Tomoe Gozen may have exaggerated some of her exploits (as so many legends do), but the perception of her as an emblematic "warrior woman" is not innaccurate:

 

...She was also a remarkably strong archer, and as a swords-woman she was a warrior worth a thousand, ready to confront a demon or a god, mounted or on foot. She handled unbroken horses with superb skill; she rode unscathed down perilous descents. Whenever a battle was imminent, Yoshinaka sent her out as his first captain, equipped with strong armor, an oversized sword, and a mighty bow; and she performed more deeds of valor than any of his other warriors. 

 

 

 

TLDR 

 

I think that with her current history/origin story, Ryoko would not be quite that martially inclined, but the bow, and even some hand-to-hand combat, would be very appropriate. However, that certainly doesn't preclude her from learning its use now, and spearing Garleans with it like meat on a miq'abob.

 

Also, apologies if that was more about the naginata than you ever wished to know. It has so many interesting distinctions from other polearms; I always feel that if you're gonna use it, swing for the fences

[Sylentmana]

As for the Lancer skills, that one is still a little iffy. I thought I could do something with the naginata as it was considered to be a feminine weapon in medieval Japan. I might just have to drop it from her background though and have her learn the skills later in Gridania. This is what I'm going to have her do for the Pugilist class, so in regards to her background, she actually hasn't learned any hand-to-hand combat techniques yet and I shouldn't have put that in there.

 

For my two gil, I would say either make the the lancer skills another part of her backstory (distinct in some way from her role as a shrine maiden) or incorporate them into her current narrative trajectory. It is true that the naginata was used by certain women in Japan in defensive and even military capacities, but the women who used them were somewhat different from the character you're describing:

 

1) Most of the female naginata-wielders were not warriors, but they would have been members of the warrior class/caste. Naginata may not have the same cultural significance as the set of samurai swords, but not just anyone would have them. They required a higher level of craftsmanship than other polearms (the construction process of the blade is no different from a katana), making them objects of value - part of a bride's dowry, even.

 

2) An onna bugeisha, the iconic naginata-wielding woman appearing in art or literature, was kinda on a different level from those who were simply trained in its use. This description of one Tomoe Gozen may have exaggerated some of her exploits (as so many legends do), but the perception of her as an emblematic "warrior woman" is not innaccurate:

 

...She was also a remarkably strong archer, and as a swords-woman she was a warrior worth a thousand, ready to confront a demon or a god, mounted or on foot. She handled unbroken horses with superb skill; she rode unscathed down perilous descents. Whenever a battle was imminent, Yoshinaka sent her out as his first captain, equipped with strong armor, an oversized sword, and a mighty bow; and she performed more deeds of valor than any of his other warriors. 

 

 

 

TLDR 

 

I think that with her current history/origin story, Ryoko would not be quite that martially inclined, but the bow, and even some hand-to-hand combat, would be very appropriate. However, that certainly doesn't preclude her from learning its use now, and spearing Garleans with it like meat on a miq'abob.

 

Also, apologies if that was more about the naginata than you ever wished to know. It has so many interesting distinctions from other polearms; I always feel that if you're gonna use it, swing for the fences

 

That was very useful information, actually. I know the story of Tomoe Gozen from my Japanese Literature classes when I was in college and I was considering having Ryoko grow from a simple shrine maiden into a kind of divine onna bugeisha, so to speak. That largely depends on whether or not SE releases a Samurai class, though. I do think I'll just have learn polearm skills later.