nonRPer seeking help with SO's RP

[RElNHART]

Hello guys I wanted to throw a question out here. I've been having some issues to deal with lately and it's been incredibly stressful dealing with this sort of thing.

 

I wanted to ask that if your SO IRL has an RP relationship in game with someone else (platonic, the two characters are married), at which point would it feel like the rp relationship is getting in the way of their real one?

 

I'm open to answer questions as well.

[ArmachiA]

Okay so, I can answer a bit.

 

I've been dating my SO for 11 years now, but my character is married to a very close friend of mine who I met in the game.

 

The answer is: Whenever you feel like it is.

 

Are you uncomfortable with how much time she's spending RPing with this person? Does she RP with them a lot? Did they get really close in a short amount of time and their OOC interactions are making you uncomfortable? Do you know the RP partner and does he talk to you? Does she ERP without your permission (Or with your "I guess it's okay..." kind of permission)?

 

Take a look at the idea objectively. If she's rping with this guy every day, for hours and hours, and you have no idea what the rp is or whats going on - that's not really okay if your uncomfortable. If it's a couple times a week and she doesn't seem to be hiding anything from you, that could be your own insecurity.

 

There's a lot of variables to this question because people are very different. Me and my SO aren't jealous people, we give each other a lot of space, but not all relationships are like ours and that's okay. You get to set the boundaries of what is comfortable to deal with. If what she's doing isn't comfortable for YOU, then it's generally not okay.

 

If you need a more specific answer, I'm afraid you'll have to get a little more specific.

[Faye]

Armachia's advice is pretty much the same as my own. It's up to you to set the boundaries you're comfortable with in your relationship and decide when you feel they've been crossed. Without knowing the specifics of either side of the story, the best I can say is to ask yourself whether it's your own insecurities at play here making you unhappy, or whether you feel you're being mistreated/neglected by your partner. Either way, however, the end result is going to be the same: you need to talk to your SO about it. Let them know how you're feeling and why, and try to find a compromise together.

[RElNHART]

"Are you uncomfortable with how much time she's spending RPing with this person? Does she RP with them a lot? Did they get really close in a short amount of time and their OOC interactions are making you uncomfortable? Do you know the RP partner and does he talk to you?"

 

A bit of all the above. the out of character interactions aren't at all like they are in game, We've all been on a VOIP at the same time. The other person seems like a good guy and is respectful. No ERP either.

I've just been having difficulty with them because I feel like I'm the third wheel when she's my girlfriend. It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.

 

The character interactions wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel like I'm just along for the ride. 

 

So I guess I am having insecurities and haven't thought of a proper way to deal with it without angering the two of them. I really don't want to be that guy and ruin something harmless but at the same time I don't want to play by myself anymore.

[Faye]

"Are you uncomfortable with how much time she's spending RPing with this person? Does she RP with them a lot? Did they get really close in a short amount of time and their OOC interactions are making you uncomfortable? Do you know the RP partner and does he talk to you?"

 

A bit of all the above. the out of character interactions aren't at all like they are in game, We've all been on a VOIP at the same time. The other person seems like a good guy and is respectful. No ERP either.

I've just been having difficulty with them because I feel like I'm the third wheel when she's my girlfriend. It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.

 

The character interactions wouldn't bother me so much if I didn't feel like I'm just along for the ride. 

 

So I guess I am having insecurities and haven't thought of a proper way to deal with it without angering the two of them. I really don't want to be that guy and ruin something harmless but at the same time I don't want to play by myself anymore.

 

imo talk to your girlfriend (privately without her RP partner around) and just let her know you like to play XIV with her and want to spend more quality time with her in game. Ask her if you could run some dungeons or role-play or whatever it is you two do together in game sometime with just the two of you and no one else. You don't have to make it about the role-play or her role-play partner, since it doesn't seem like that's the real source of the issue anyway, and "I want you to RP less" or "I want you to spend less time with this person" always comes across as controlling.

[RElNHART]

Thanks guys, I'll try talking to her about it. I'm just hoping that we'll be able to have some alone time playing the game for a bit.

[ArmachiA]

Yeah definitely talk to her about the fact that you want to spend quality time in the game with just you two. If the guy is not a jerk, he'll also understand that you two want to just hang out together and he can make an appearance later. Set those boundaries ("I'm fine with you rping, but I'd like you to spend time with me in the game as well"). If you're new to the roleplaying scene (Even just watching it from the sidelines) I absolutely understand how this can be playing with your insecurities. It's almost odd to watch romance rp and think that it's fake. But, don't be quick to anger, calm communication is very important. Good luck and if you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

[Cynnie]

I agree with everyone else's advice. Communication is absolutely key. If you feel as if you are being neglected please bring it up to your SO. Perhaps just bring it up in a way that shows that you care for her and you'd really like to enjoy playing the game with her as well.

 

I know that you stated you are not an RPer, but if you have had interest in it you could even try bringing up you would like to try RPing with her. It can be a great bonding experience with an SO! But again, communication is key!

[Virella]

As said above, you really just need to have a talk. These things are better handled sooner then later before the end up potentially risking a relationship being broken up. Sadly enough I've seen it happen in the past, but you're already on the right path by deciding to have a talk with her!

 

Keep your head cool and the best of luck to you.

[Syranelle Ironleaf]

Let me preface this:  I roleplay in FFXIV and my husband does not.  My character is in a long-standing relationship with another Player and is due to be Bonded with that character soon'ish.  My husband and I are non-jealous types that are pretty easy-going, but we talk about everything.  He hears about my RP shenanigans usually on the night they happen (or while things are going on.)  

 

My friendship with the Player is strictly that, just friendship.  We talk a lot OOC on Skype or Discord, do a lot of PVE things together, but he never takes priority over my husband.  I made it crystal clear when our characters first got involved that I was happily married and any attempt at a romantic relationship OOC would result in them summarily being booted to the curb.    That's never been a problem though, the Player is a chill dude and a good friend.  Not everyone does this, though, since they're afraid it will make people avoid them.

 

While I've never been in your exact shoes, I've been roleplaying for a long, long time now, so I've seen this same issue come up time and again.  Given that, I have some warning signs that may help you:

 

1.)  If your SO ignores or reschedules IRL plans (or plans with YOU) in favor of RP ones.  

 

This one is probably the biggest warning sign.  Nothing in the game should ever supersede the real people in your life, especially your spouse/significant other/children.

 

2.)  If your SO refuses to RP with you in the room and/or tries to hide the screen when you're in the room.  

 

Having something to hide when it comes to RP means that they're doing something they're ashamed of, or something that might upset you -- that's a problem.  They know they're doing something wrong, but refuse to admit it.  (Or stop doing it.)

 

3.)  If your SO have talked about this before and they've been dismissive of your discomfort.  (i.e. "It's just RP!")

 

Your feelings and your comfort level as the IRL partner come first and foremost.  If your SO is unwilling to listen and at least consider your feelings without dismissing them, that's something you really need to take into consideration.

 

4.) If your SO has the abovelisted habits ONLY with their relationship RP partner, but no one else.

 

It's particularly telling if your SO's behavior changes only when they're with their romantic partner.  If you're privy to all other aspects of their roleplay, but NOT that part, then it may be time to set some boundaries.

 

I agree with everyone else here, though, that if you haven't yet talked to your SO about your feelings and whatnot, then it's absolutely high-time to.

[Shofie]

A suggestion I toss out when I see this sort of thing pop up is to specifically set aside days and times where she only spends time with you, both in-game and out-of-game. During this time, the friend is not allowed to come up and he isn't invited along, it's personal time for the two of you.

[Nebbs]

All sensible stuff. I would add..

 

Relationships are complex, and there are any number of things you learn about each other through the years and more. 

 

Just remember that you and your SO will have some differences, and you both need to be open and honest about those. I would also be honest about how you feel and not try to play a blame game. Whatever the issue you need to work together and accept who each of you are and how you go forward with that together.

 

There is no "standard" couple, find what works for you two.

[Kailani]

 

...if your SO IRL has an RP relationship in game with someone else (platonic, the two characters are married), at which point would it feel like the rp relationship is getting in the way of their real one?

 

This may sound like a strange question, but I do have reasons behind it. Is your "SO IRL" someone who is an online relationship you've had for a while now, or someone you live with/see daily/weekly? I think this makes a huge difference. In past experiences I've seen online relationships get tossed to the side in lieu of other friendships simply because the person is so used to everything being online or interchangeable even. It could just be miscommunication between you two in regards to priorities.

 

This bit about.. "It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.", is really the only thing that makes me question any of it. I've spent endless hours with my RP partner(s) with nothing shady happening behind the scenes that my real life relationships haven't known about. Sometimes there's just a click and you really enjoy that time with them, because there are a lot of crazies in game.

 

But if YOU are feeling like the third wheel, then yeah you need to say something to her ASAP. Because unless you are being super sensitive, demanding of her time or controlling (which you don't seem to be from what you've said), there's never a reason she should be putting her feelings about someone in a game, over yours.

 

Just chat her up about all this, and you'll feel much better. :thumbsup:

[RElNHART]

 

...if your SO IRL has an RP relationship in game with someone else (platonic, the two characters are married), at which point would it feel like the rp relationship is getting in the way of their real one?

 

This may sound like a strange question, but I do have reasons behind it.  Is your "SO IRL" someone who is an online relationship you've had for a while now, or someone you live with/see daily/weekly? I think this makes a huge difference. In past experiences I've seen online relationships get tossed to the side in lieu of other friendships simply because the person is so used to everything being online or interchangeable even. It could just be miscommunication between you two in regards to priorities.

 

This bit about..   "It's gotten to a point where I can't do anything in game with just her anymore. Like I'm the one tagging along with them.",  is really the only thing that makes me question any of it. I've spent endless hours with my RP partner(s) with nothing shady happening behind the scenes that my real life relationships haven't known about. Sometimes there's just a click and you really enjoy that time with them, because there are a lot of crazies in game.

 

But if YOU are feeling like the third wheel, then yeah you need to say something to her ASAP. Because unless you are being super sensitive, demanding of her time or controlling (which you don't seem to be from what you've said), there's never a reason she should be putting her feelings about someone in a game, over yours.

 

Just chat her up about all this, and you'll feel much better. :thumbsup:

 

 

 

We're been dating for 6 years. I see her pretty often, bout a 10 min drive from my house. but she's been playing ffxiv a lot more recently and I've been having trouble directing her attention away from it. So I sit there pretending like everything is ok. Sometimes I nap, sometimes we'll catch up on some youtube videos. Want her to play something else with me when I'm over there because I don't want to have to bring my pc tower every time I want to visit so we can play 14.

[ArmachiA]

Roleplaying can take A LOT of time, for sure. Some sessions I just.. completely forget how long I've been there and suddenly it's 7 hours later. Has she just started rping and this is all new to both of you?

 

Don't be afraid to tell her you feel like she's spending too much time on the game either. But... do that carefully, she could get defensive quickly.

[RElNHART]

Roleplaying can take A LOT of time, for sure. Some sessions I just.. completely forget how long I've been there and suddenly it's 7 hours later. Has she just started rping and this is all new to both of you?

 

Don't be afraid to tell her you feel like she's spending too much time on the game either. But... do that carefully, she could get defensive quickly.

She's done plenty of other forum based RP's. So this was her first one in an MMO.

 

Anyways. Thanks everyone I'm gonna be busy for the rest of the day. I really wished I asked about this several months ago when the issue was fresh. I'll explain what's happened up until now sometime when I get back. I wanted to hear your thoughts on the situation on what I could have done differently, I'm sorry for the dishonesty on my part. I'll explain what's happened since then. 

 

 I'm also partially to blame as well. I did some savage raiding with a different group of people, i felt too guilty to quit the raid group so I kept trying even though I stopped liking it.

This in turn put a small rift between us since this ate a lot of my time and energy. coupled with job I hate.

 

Encourages me to get a new job instead.

Fast forward a bit: She meets new friend. They grow close, like sisters. Never thought anything of it. Little insecure about the amount of in game gifts that her new friend showers on them. In turn I also try gift showering IRL to win some attention.

 

Finally get my act together, start new job, quit raid group. Girlfriend goes on vacation with her family. Calls me mid vacation saying she wants a break. (she wants to have some time to herself so she can focus on getting her own life together, full time job, savings etc. bsically be well off enough so she can take care of herself and others in her family) Reluctantly agree because what else can I really do? 

 

New job is ok. Kinda lonely now I don't have a raid group anymore. 

 

Girlfriend starts her married RP relationship with her friend about a week after we go on break, spending A LOT of time together.

 

we both find out that her friend is a guy playing  girl character. That point I'm incredibly insecure with everything. She insists that it's only in character and sees him as nothing more than just a friend out of game. I really wanted to be ok with the RP relationship but I feel like it was the absolute worst possible timing to do that. 

 

So everything is pretty ok on VOIP. but having just been put on break and having to see their two characters being all lovey dovey really felt like the knife twist in my heart. I felt discarded and jealous, especially now since we really didn't spend any time outside of game now. In turn I lashed out.

 

She broke up with me. I frankly deserved it. The other guy left to play a different MMO.

I feel really guilty about how I acted but I just wasn't ready to deal with that.

At least I think I do. I don't know, I felt abandoned and I lashed out, To have that happen in such a short amount of time, I wasn't sure how I was supposed to take that.

 

she cares about me a lot, after I fell into a really bad depression, (like seriously I broke down in a grocery store after 3 days trying to keep it together.) She recommended I see a therapist and even gave me the contact info for her old therapist. even offered to pay for it.

 

so as it stands we're still on good terms. I'm actually going to lunch with her but I really want to get over this I just still feel really guilty about it.

 

Edit: I do believe it's our goal to get back together eventually, we're both still focusing on financial stability independently at the moment.

[ArmachiA]

Whoo there was a lot more to the story.

 

I have seen this happen before. We like to pretend that rp romance doesn't ruin real relationships and, while it happens less often then people would think, it happens more often than rpers want to admit to. I have some pretty gnarly stories of people from my own FC.

 

You and your girlfriend were dealing with some pretty hefty issues, compound that with the fact this RPing in an MMO stuff was new to both of you and I can see where you thought something was there that probably wasn't.

 

It's possible, because you were so miserable yourself, while nothing was going on between the two, the attention and support she was getting from that friend and the fake relationship they had was really nice to her. It's easy to forget your problems when you have lovey dovey kissy face rp to help you. I've seen A LOT of rpers use it as a crutch for their own issues.

 

However, it's a shame you couldn't trust her, here. If she hadn't done anything previously to harm the relationship there was no reason not to. After 6 years, she should have had that.

 

I'm going to give you the same advice I did previously. If you two want to make it work - communicate communicate communicate. I know talking about feelings isn't easy, but it's necessary. Feeling neglected? Say so. Feeling Jealous? Say so. Need reassurance? Say so. In those moments where we feel weakest is when we need to put away pride and actually talk about how we feel. It's not irrational to do so. It's not weakness.

 

I really hope you two can work this out. I wish you luck.

 

Also,

HAMMER DOWN.

[Tyndles]

After reading your last post, I gotta assume the worst for you. I don't think she's into you anymore man. I think she cares and wants to be friends, but I think you lost this one.

[RElNHART]

That's what i want to think too, but she keeps saying stuff like everything's going to be ok between us eventually. But the way she acts says otherwise and it's driving me nuts.

[Kailani]

Yeah you left out a huge part of the story... :dazed:

 

I've always believed that words aren't actions. If someone feels a certain way, they will SHOW you. Not use the words you may want to hear. And I hate to say it but she may just be keeping you in play simply because she doesn't want to lose the security blanket. You clearly care a lot about her.

 

Worry about you right now and consider moving on. I personally don't think anything you do will change your situation. You can't control it. But you can control yourself. It'll suck, it'll be painful and you'll want to run back every time she says something nice. But respect yourself enough not to be 'that guy'.

 

Best of luck with it all. :thumbsup:

[Nebbs]

Yea, look at what people do, not what they say.

 

Get yourself sorted and then you can be there for someone else.

[Faye]

After reading your last post, I gotta assume the worst for you. I don't think she's into you anymore man. I think she cares and wants to be friends, but I think you lost this one.

 

I'm gonna have to echo this, sorry. For some relationship advice that is not at all role-play related: give it up and move on. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's the simplest way to put it. A "break" is never a break. In my experience (not personally, as I've never had someone try that with me, but from what I've seen with others) a break is always an excuse for a breakup that's left indefinite so the other person "can't" get as upset, and is often a ploy to keep the person around in case the one who broke up with them changes their mind or gets lonely. The fact that you two are still talking regularly, she's entertaining the idea of the getting back with you and making plans to have lunch with you, makes me think the latter is indeed happening.

 

There's no reason someone cannot work on themselves while still having an SO--in fact, having an SO to support you even just emotionally can be so, so helpful in these things. Worst case scenario, someone might have to tell their spouse, "Hey, I can't talk or hang out much for a while, but we'll stay together if you're cool with that." There's no reason for a relationship to need any sort of "temporary breakup." And I think the fact that she did it while mid-vacation (when I'm assuming you hadn't seen her for days, and wouldn't be able to see her for days still) and not in person is pretty telling of how little she is invested in any sort of (potential/future) relationship with you.

[ArmachiA]

Yeah I can get behind that. If her actions are the complete opposite of her words, you gotta go with her actions here bud.

[RElNHART]

Thanks for the talk guys. I'm going to give  it some time and see if things improve.

[Mimifu]

Thanks for the talk guys. I'm going to give  it some time and see if things improve.

That's good- and I certainly agree with what Faye said completely. Just wanted to pop in the thread for one thing though; I wanted to say, good on you for coming to see what you did wrong and get advice. It takes a lot of courage to do so, and even more to admit your mistakes on a public forum. With that said, keep up the courage and the determination to improve, and you'll be able to handle these kinds of situations and more!