Alothia

Life has been good. I haven’t had to worry about much lately, and I’ve just enjoyed spending some time with others. But something has gotten me thinking. At Corvus Cinis, what do we do that other groups in the city don’t? What do we have to offer the people of Eorzea that is special or different. I could make us a deconstruction company, but somehow, I don’t think that that would work out well. Not a lot of need for deconstruction. But then I thought about the latest jobs that we had been hired out to do. Finding Miyu, finding various items…we do a lot of finding. Which makes me think…maybe that’s what we do well. We are good at finding people and things. Maybe, then, we should specialize in that. Instead of willy nilly taking every job that comes to us, big or small, maybe we need to specialize in a niche market. Corvus Cinis Agency: Finders of things, people, and specialty items. People can come to us if they’re looking for something that is lost, or a person that they’ve lost touch with…or even something that is hard to find. It would make it easier for people to know who to hire, with all of the other groups out there. Plus, we could start training for more specific purposes. I’ll have to run this idea by the rest of the company and see what they think. Watch out Eorzea. A new Corvus will be heading your way…

Alright. I think I’m finally settled enough to write properly. So…yeah…We’re together now. And it’s really nice. I think it’s kinda funny…I didn’t really think of Zenge in that way for a long time. Maybe it was denial. Maybe I was just lying to myself. I look back over my previous entries, and I wonder at what point it happened. I think about what I did when I gave his Garlean background away like I did…and I’m ashamed. How could he think of me in this way knowing that I betrayed him once? Maybe that’s just it. I know some of his past. He knows some of mine. But we both know that we change and grow. We’re not the same people we were moons ago, or even suns ago for that matter. As long as I keep bettering myself, maybe I’ll be good enough. We went out on a date last eve. We wandered the city hand in hand. Went shopping in the market wards. He bought me a match to the black pearl earring I wear in my ear. Now they’re a pair. “Now they won’t be alone,” he said. It made me smile. After shopping, we went to the Mineral Concern for a drink. No, I didn’t get drunk. We just sat there and listened to the other people there, and talked a little. We spoke about Relani and Oskar, about our families and how we miss them. But I didn’t feel like I needed to speak to be comfortable. It was enough just spending time together. I’d forgotten what that was like. Then we went back to headquarters…home. It’s nice feeling like this is my place once again. And that’s not just because of Zenge. For a while, I lost sight of what was important. I was neglecting my friends. I was neglecting my own wants and desires for myself. Now…I’m not beholden to anyone, but I want to be with them. I want to be with the company, with my friends and acquaintances. And I want to be able to choose where I am instead of feeling like I’m obligated to be somewhere. I choose to be with my company. It’s made tensions there a whole lot easier. I’m not worried about pleasing anyone else anymore. If I can please others by pleasing myself, that’s the way to do it. Hopefully that doesn’t change. I am happiest when I can be myself. I don’t see this relationship taking any turns in the opposite direction. Finally I feel settled and happy again.

A lot has happened in the past few suns. Lily finally returned. I know that Fearless was overjoyed. It was nice to see him smiling again. He’s been a whole lot happier ever since. She hasn’t been around quite as often as she was before she left, but at least we know that she’s safe now. I know that’s all Fearless needed to know. I haven’t heard from Ms. Adul. I suppose that means that her theories were unfounded. Part of me is glad of it. Another part…well, it would have been interesting if things had played out, to say the least. A couple of suns ago I ran into Red and Ms. Quai out on the upper levels of Ul’Dah. They invited me to the MMML, and we ran around the city collecting new recruits to go drinking! It was a ton of fun. In the end, it was myself, Fear, Red and Lu, Claus, Zolku, Myllor, and another person who wasn’t a member of the MMML but whom hung out with us anyway. We went to the concern and played Never Have I Ever, which took an interesting turn when Red admitted she had slept with a Roe. I need to get that story out of her sometime. Seems like quite a tale. Had to leave before she got to telling it, though, which was a bummer. Fear was quite the gentleman and carried me back to headquarters safely. I think I overdid it on the drinking that night. Last night was quite the same, however. But that was for good reason. Relani walked out on Zenge. Stupid woman. Did she not realize what his duties were when he was a part of the Garlean army? And can’t she see that he’s changed? It makes me so angry. Anyone who knows Zenge knows that he’s changed. He’s a wonderful friend. I hate to see what she’s done to him…the mess she’s made of him. We went out to the Concern, with the intention of letting Zenge drown his sorrows in drink…but I ended up being tipsy. Seems to be the story of my life. He ended up helping me back to HQ, and we had a nice talk. I gave him the other notebook I had lying around. I hope it helps him with this situation. I know that writing helps me some. I told him not to worry about how he writes it…just to get it down. Maybe he’ll take my advice. He seemed to appreciate the gesture at least. I’m worried for him. I hope he makes it through this. I’m sure he will. Once women find out he’s single, I’m sure they’ll be lining up at his door. He’s always had the knack for that. At this she chuckles and then continues writing. Anyway. I’ll be there to help him in any way I can. I know how hard losing someone that close to you is. Until next time.

Oh Twelve… I can’t write how happy I am right now. But I’m also worried. I hope this wasn’t just a rebound… I don’t think it was. I know it wasn’t for me. And I think we’ve been friends long enough for this to not be a rebound for him… But what if she shows up and decides she wants him back now? Then what? Would he pick her over me? He thinks I’m pretty… My mind is racing. I should wait until I’m settled to write more. Oh Twelve…Zenge…

This sun has been terribly interesting. Where do I start? Well, for starters, I was shopping with Kaliden earlier when I ran into Claus and some other members of TALE. It was nice to meet some new faces. One of the new faces, however, was a handsome Duskwight named Uxe. (Yes, yes…I know…it appears I’m developing a type) Now, I don’t think he meant anything by it, but he told me I was beautiful. It has been a while since someone other than Oskar told me that. And it made me feel good about myself. It was just a nice reminder that I don’t need him to be happy. I do have appeal to others, and I will be fine on my own. Later, I went upstairs from the Gold Court to think and write…and met up with Fearless while I was there. We had a nice talk about loneliness, and then he had to go home. I’m concerned about him and Lily. I hope things end up alright with them. If she doesn’t come back, I will go with him to search for her. After Fearless left, I decided to walk to the Concern, but found it was too crowded for my tastes. On the way back, I met with Ms. Adul, and we had a fascinating conversation. I will not write the details here, for this may fall into the hands of someone it was not meant for, but needless to say, it was very interesting. I hope to hear from her again soon. With this, I leave this entry. I feel like I’m encroaching on Navei’s quiet space. I should probably head back home.

The past few suns have been nice. Spending time with Corvus has become one of those things that I greatly look forward to. We’ve explored Toto-Rak together, as well as the Darkhold, although the latter with not quite as much success as the former. One of these suns, we’ll find something of value there, I know it. Last eve we had the welcome party for the new Corvus Cinis members. It was quite nice…until Rio decided to show up. I don’t know what the girl is thinking! Showing up during a party, asking for a truce…as if we had done anything to harm her up to this point. We are keeping an eye on her and no more, even though I know that the others wouldn’t think twice about being more violent if it came to that. She thinks that she is doing good, but she doesn’t realize that she’s hurting what little defenses Eorzea has. I am worried for her. In other news, Oskar grows more frustrating by the sun. You would think that he would just leave me be, but he doesn’t. He wanted to take me out on a date, he insists…but why? And why would I even entertain the thought? He is so infuriating. He feels like he can tell me what to do, but those days are over. I would have been more than happy to listen to him if we had stayed together, but alas, it seems as if his loins were more important than my feelings. And then, last sun, he has the NERVE to suggest that I help Elriche find himself by dating him….as if I’m just some sort of dating experiment! I don’t think that I will ever understand that man. I don’t know that I care to, honestly. What was I thinking!? I’m beginning to see just why my friends were so irritated over our relationship. If he wants to be a child, I’m going to treat him like one and not even give him the time of day. See how he likes that. As much as I’d like to date someone, there’s no one around who would date me. Everyone seems to be taken…and those who aren’t show no interest in me…or are girls. No offense, but…that’s just not my thing. I’m only half joking when I talk to Zenge. If he were actually single…well, I might just make a move. But he has Relani, and I don’t want to step on her territory. They’re so darn cute together anyway. Ah well. Maybe someday I’ll find someone. Better to not go looking anyway. Heck, I’d better be careful so as not to attract any more arrogant ass hats, as Fearless likes to put it. Speaking of Fearless, I’m sad for him. Lily hasn’t been around lately, and it’s been bringing him down. I hope that he feels better soon. And I hope that she is safe. I guess that’s all for now. I’m exhausted and should get some sleep.

A lot of things have been going through my head. Was it the right decision? Will he miss me? Should I even care? Spending time with the company has helped. Alona gave Fearless some gifts to help me sleep. It seems to be working. I met with him last sun. I don’t know what I was expecting. I think I’m not sad about it anymore, however. He was never meant to be with me…only with her. For that, I feel foolish, to think that I could compete against her. I should have known better. What hurts the most is knowing that he didn’t even wait a couple of suns before running to her arms. And yet he says he loves me…what of love when you can put it aside so easily for other desires? I’m beginning to feel as if he never loved me at all. I was just a nice person to have around until she returned his affections. Alright…maybe I’m angrier about the whole thing than I thought. He was right about one thing…he cannot love me in the way I deserve. At least I’ll have the common courtesy to have a mourning period over our relationship. Not that there’s anyone who’s eye I’ve caught. So few people look at me in that way…not like him. Ah well. Menphina will not lead me astray. It is in Her hands now. Then there is this business with Rio. I need to meet with Commander Mtoto sooner rather than later before she thinks that Corvus is a part of her plans. I don’t plan on giving them the satisfaction of dealing with her, however. She is…was one of ours, and she has betrayed us all. If anyone gets the final say, it should be us. I need to be strong. For me. For the company. For Eorzea. These are pressing times ahead. I cannot let myself get distracted again. Thank the Twelve for blessings in disguise. I shall harden my heart and persevere. I will do what is necessary. We will thrive, we will prosper, and we will live to see Eorzea through another day. This I swear.

She walked into the apartment, the room swirling in front of her. She didn’t remember feeling so nervous before. She looked at him and thought…what did she think? There was so much there. So much feeling, so much built up over the past few moons. And now? What was going to happen? Was she clinging to a hopeless dream? Maybe. “Nothing lasts forever, so you might as well enjoy it while you can.” She had used that phrase in reference to the alcohol, but knew those words had double meaning. Oskar knew it. She knew it. And yet, it still made her sad. She made her way down the hallway to the bedroom, undressing slowly and deliberately, trying to both entice and steady herself with each motion. It was if the pretense was falling away. She knew what this was. This was goodbye. And every touch, every kiss, would be a soft farewell, a parting gift to keep in her memory. She curled up on the bed, and he lay behind her, touching the small curves that lay between her shoulder and hip. The lamp behind them cast shadows on the wall facing her. As she watched the shadow dance, she saw not two shadows but one. Oskar’s big frame swallowed her shadow whole, until all you could see was his form. She would miss this, she thought. She cast a trickle of air and snuffed out the lamp. In the dark, she felt more alive, felt like she could say goodbye without worrying. The act pulled at her heartstrings, made her want to cry with every move. His hands, his lips, his…Twelve! She would miss him. And so she gave herself to him with everything she had. This final dance was a way to tell him all the things she couldn’t with words. It was filled with love, and pain, and sorrow. It went on and on, seeming to never end, until suddenly, it was over. Just as suddenly as their relationship began, with a look, just so with a touch, it was done. She curled against his chest, tracing the planes of his figure, watching his chest rise and fall, and his breathing regulate until he slept. Not until then did she start to cry. She rolled over on her side, clutching her pillow, and wept. Before the sun rose, before Oskar awoke, she left, a note left on the pillow, scented with cherry blossoms. Oskar, I will miss you, my heart, Alothia was all it said.

Maybe I spoke too soon. There is a break here, and the writing changes from frantic to a more leisurely scrawl. Yep. Spoke too soon. You know…I’m…upset…. Why? Why does everyone want her? Want to help her, want to fix her? Hells, even I like her. But why does he have to like her!? And why does he choose her over me? Screw what she wants! If she’s scared and might not make it, you disregard her wishes and call in a damn mage! I already feel uneasy about them as it is….it would be like me picking to stay with Zenge over him….only if Zenge and I had had a relationship before, and if I still dreamt of him, and if I thought he was attractive and flirted with him all of the time. Gods! Some damn window you opened!

Here I was, thinking that there was a looming cloud on the horizon, when there were actually clear skies ahead. Happy to be back from the trip. I was out shopping for Oskar’s nameday present which is a fantastic…yeah. Can’t write that here. Soon enough. Then, we went grocery shopping, which was really nice for a change. The conversation came easy, and it felt more like before all of the problems with the company started. It was refreshing. I enjoyed just spending some time with Oskar, not working, not doing anything but being us. It was a lovely time. Aside from some of the prices! Some of the sellers in the stalls, however, were out to rip us off. My business sense did not like that. Ah well. Some people will just try to make a Gil any way they can, I suppose. I also got word from Kassandra that there were some people coming by looking for us to find people for them. I think I might have to change Corvus in to a missing persons agency at this rate! At least that means that there is some work coming. I decided I’d hire Kass to be our receptionist, since she was so good and let me know of the people who came in already. She’ll do a fine job. We’re on our way to being more organized, and maybe with a few more meetings, we’ll be a more efficient company. Once I found out about all of that, I made my way home and made dinner. Nothing fancy, just some aldgoat steak (note: try using a little less thyme next time). Oskar went out to train with Elriche, and they both came back in time to eat. It was an amusing dinner. I do feel bad about making Elriche blush as much as we did…but it -was- funny. Speaking of funny, I’ve got a funny feeling about this illness of Deirdre. Zenge was sick too…I wonder if they had the same sort of thing. Ah well.

Just when you think things are starting to look up, The Twelve feel like throwing something at you.

The waves crash endlessly on Their sound a comforting lullaby The moons shine on through A starry sky, a cloudless night And still, I long. The Twelve have made it so beautiful The land, the skies, the sea. And it calls, that place Where comfort brings me home Where the waters are warm The lights are dim The curtains wave in the breeze… In two directions I am pulled My words seem to fall Silently I’m breaking at the seams I’m falling, falling Drifting, drifting. When will the rains start? When will the arrows fall? I know not. There is more writing at the bottom, things scratched out, almost unreadable. …company not…won’t listen…to be home…I hope this trip…better…but how if no one…Need to get back…

So I suppose I’ve been meaning to write about these thing for a while. They’ve been on my mind, but I’ve been letting them fade to the back, trying to not let them bother me. But the dreams didn’t help to quell my fears, and so I suppose I will write about them. I am torn about how I feel about Deirdre. There are things that I greatly admire about her. And there are things that I do not understand. Why did she attempt to kill Fearless? Why did nothing happen to her? And then there are things that worry me. I am worried that she will be the downfall of my relationship. She’s always there. When I cannot be there, it seems that she is. And apparently she has “offered” things…and it should bother me. Just as knowing that she is in his dreams should bother me. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to be the one who is always jealous and full of angst. And so I let it go. Maybe writing this down will help. I am worried about Corvus. Our meeting turned into a call for diplomacy. Why? It’s not as if we are fighting city-states. We are two organizations within Eorzea. We may need each others help in the future. So why do we seem to be at each other’s throats? I don’t know. I know that I am friends with all of them, and the constant bickering between my people only serves to aggravate me. I want it to be over and done with. And so, I am going to do this trip with the company no matter what. It should serve to bring us closer together. Maybe then I can teach them that we all need to work together. I understand their points, but at what point do we stop standing up for ourselves and start being whiny, instigating, children? I’m worried about my future. What it might mean. I have my company. What if at some point I have to give it up? Have to give up the family that I have built for myself? I’m worried about being alone. What if that happens? What if I lose everything? Then where will I be? I don’t know. I don’t even know if writing this down will help. I’m just rambling now aren’t I? I suppose I will end this entry here.

He said to dream of him… It wasn’t what I expected. It was the boat dream again. I was on a small raft, floating, floating, endlessly drifting. At first the sea was calm, something I don’t remember from previous dreams. Then, it slowly crescendoed into a storm. The rain came harder, faster. The waves lapped over the boat, threatening to drag me under. And then I saw him. He was there in another boat, reaching out for me. His hand outstretched, his eyes looked sad. It was as if he knew he couldn’t save me. But yet he tried. And I reached out. Reached my fingers till the tips brushed his. It was almost enough. Then the rain started to change. Instead of rain, it was arrows, coming from the heavens. They hit the water, hit the boat, thudding, thudding. I tried to curl up to protect myself from the onslaught, but one scraped my cheek, another my ear, and they were raining all around. And I watched with horror as an arrow pierced him in the heart. He looked at me as I watched him, his eyes went blank, and he fell. Then it all went black. It’s all I can remember. It was a fitful night.

It wasn’t looking at the death that made me shut down. No, I’ve seen death. I’ve been on my own for quite a long time. The first death I saw was within the first year of my being on my own. Being a girl out on your own makes you an easy target for those who would try to take advantage of you. Even in Gridania, things weren’t safe. The first attack came some time in the evening. The moons were hanging in the sky, and I was walking to the inn. He attacked me from behind and threw me on the ground. He was on top of me, and then his eyes, they went wide and still, and he slumped over. I never did see who saved me that night. They were hidden and didn’t say a word. Just walked off as if it were nothing. No, it’s not the death itself that brought me to this point. It was a mix of things. The nothingness I felt when I saw him, when I heard him sneer at us. It made me numb, it made me cold. How could someone want to kill Lainseworth is beyond me. And now he’s run off because he feels that he is a danger to us. Maybe he’ll never come back. All of that was in me when I looked at him. That and a mysterious sense of pleasure at the fact that he was going to die. That’s what worried me more than anything. It reminded me of my past dealings and how I felt back then. Emotions I had hoped to keep bottled up, to keep hidden. I didn’t want to feel that. And so, I figured I would rather feel nothing. I just…I hope that I don’t have to feel that again. Maybe next time I’ll be hardened enough to not feel it. Maybe that is a problem in and of itself. What if death becomes easy?

She sank into the steaming hot water of the tub, letting the water caress her, enfold her in warmth. Her head sank down under the surface of the water, and for a moment she wondered what it would be like to let it all go, to breathe in the water and cease to be. Up she came again, eyes closed, water dripping from her ears and hair and nose. It would never get any easier. This was a path that had never been easy. She rested her head against the edge of the tub, smelling the scent of the oil that Madison gave her. She remembered when she gave it to her, how eagerly she dabbed it on her skin. Did he like it? That was all she cared about. The thought made her smile, slightly. Sadly. Was this it? All the work up to this point for nothing? She didn’t want it to be. She heard them buzzing around her, telling her things she didn’t want to hear. Saying words she didn’t want to acknowledge. She knew there was more than what they saw. She couldn’t make them see. There was tenderness there, and love too. It was in his gaze, his touch, the soft words spoken between them when no one else could hear. But they were not her. They could not see. They could not understand. She ran the sponge over her skin, trying to wash it all away, but it would not go. She frowned and stood, letting the water drip onto the floor as she went for the towel hanging on the doorknob. The chill of the air made her hair stand on end, and no amount of drying would take the chill away. She padded softly over the wooden floor to the bed, lonely in it’s solitude. She would sleep on it, if she could. She crawled in between the covers, and curled on her side, praying that sleep would find her, and that clarity would come with the sun.

I don’t want to be someone else. I like who I am. Why do I feel like I’m being pulled in a direction I don’t want to go? It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. Since when is what I am not good enough? Should I compromise who I am to please someone else, or should I stand my ground and say to hell with it?

Insecure I am insecure. Seeing it in writing doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. When I’m not near, I worry. I do. I wonder if someone else is prettier than I am. Or funnier. Or dresses better. Or whatever. I get jealous. And I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling like I have to protect something. I feel foolish, and angry, and a little sad. It makes me want to hate other women…not trust them. Bah! It’s just frustrating. I want to be more secure. I want to feel secure. Why don’t I? Why do I always feel like someone or something is going to come along and snatch it all away?

When I was standing in the rain the other sun, it made me think…why is it that I hate the rain so much? I don’t really have a reason, honestly. The weather itself is sort of depressing, like the Twelve are crying down on us. But it’s also cleansing as well, as if the Twelve want to wash away your troubles. Relationships are like fine weapons. You must pay close attention to them in order to make sure that they stay in working condition. Be careful so as not to drop them and dent them. And be careful when handling them lest you hurt yourself or others. It doesn’t matter how much you think you’re going to be hurt, because you will always hurt others more. There is nothing quite so fulfilling as connections between people. Lies are a strange thing. They have the power to hurt and the power to protect. It’s important to know which are which. What you may think is a protective lie may really end up being the most painful kind there is. It’s so difficult to think of the ways that the pieces fit back together. You can start gluing them, but what happens if there’s a piece left over, or one that won’t fit? As tiring as it is, I know that I’ve got to take my time and be careful or I won’t get back to the start…

Oskar, What words can I say or write to make you understand, to make you hurt less? If I knew them, I would write them. If I could go back and tell you sooner, I would have. But I can’t do any of those things. I can only live with the decision I made, and for that, I’m sorry. I don’t know when I’ll have the courage to give you this to read, but I know that it is a step in the right direction. You suggested to me once that I write out what I could not express, and that is what I have done here. Maybe it won’t make any sense to you, but I want you to read it anyway. They’re my thoughts and feelings, and maybe it will make a difference. Whether you believe me or not, I trust you. I was scared, and I couldn’t think of any way out of the situation I had buried myself in. I told you once that I wasn’t perfect. I’m sure you believe me now. I am flawed and faulty and not nearly as strong as I wish I was. I don’t know what else to write. I suppose I’ll let the entries speak for themselves. I hope that in time we can get back to where we were, I pray to Menphina that that will happen. Until then, know that I love you. Alothia

Damnit. Damnit all. I don’t know if I can mend the broken pieces…they’re shattered… I want so badly to crawl back into bed and undo this sun…but what would have been worse, today, or tomorrow, or not telling him? At least I have that… If it would have done any good, I would have told him I was more than happy to settle it in bed…but I don’t want to imagine his face if I had said that…Already it’s too much to remember…the nothingness… Twelve help me…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I can. Everyone says I shouldn’t bother…but… I just wish he could see past this, see me, like I see him. It doesn’t matter what Zenge has done in the past…he’s my friend. It doesn’t matter. And Gods! I love Oskar. And that’s what’s important. I’ll prove it.

Forgive Me How does one deal With the pain, when it comes, When it all comes, Crashing down. Raining like fire from the heavens Falling like shards of glass, It burns, It cuts, It leaves you pained and aching. Do you ever wonder, What it would be like, To pretend it never happened? To not have to make the choice? What would I gain, What would I have lost? And would I make the choice again? Forgive me, For I would.

I’ve made my decision. It’s not easy, but it’s what I must do. I’m going to tell him about Zenge. But Zenge will be there, and we’ll tell Oskar together. I just hope that he understands… If I am tried for treason, and anyone reads this, please know, I don’t believe that protecting my friends is treasonous. I don’t believe that Zenge is a spy. I truly believe that he is a man who is trying to better himself, that he couldn’t stand for the atrocities that the Garlean army wanted him to commit. And, by the Twelve, if that makes me a horrible person, so be it. I would be a hypocrite to not accept Zenge at his word. If people judged me by my past, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Everyone deserves a second chance. Everything is more complicated as it seems. Life isn’t black and white, it’s the shades of grey that we live in, the shades of grey that color our lives…

Is it wrong to want to protect your friends? But at what cost to yourself? At what point do you say, screw it, I’ve got to watch my own back, even though you care so much about them? Loyalty and honor. Sometimes they’re the same side of the coin, sometimes different. I am loyal to my employees, my friends. They are loyal to me. As I mentioned earlier to Lainseworth, sometimes it’s nice to know that you are in a family of your own choosing instead of the one that was chosen for you. That’s what makes it so hard! And then there’s love on top of it all. Love that makes us say things and feel things and do things. Glorious, lovely, exciting love. Love like I haven’t felt in such a long time. I mentioned to Oskar that not all Garleans were spies, that maybe some of them would have their reasons for leaving. I tried to make him understand, to see what it would take to break a man…but he didn’t. I don’t think that if I told him, even if I could be convincing…I know he’s not a spy! If he was a spy, why would they want to come back and kill him? Gods! How do I make this decision? I know I asked him to leave, but he was supposed to take her too! It was supposed to be simple! He’d leave, I’d tell what I knew, and that would be it! I could go on and be happy. Instead I’m worried sick about him. I’m worried about myself. I’m worried that I’ve gone and bungled everything. What if it all came crashing down?

She knocked lightly on the door, her fists trembling, her tail twitching, sweat droplets beading at the small of her back. She was not ready for this. For what this meant. For what this would mean. Twelve! She was nervous. It had been so long for the both of them. The crap written in her journal…none of it would help her once that door opened. "Lini? Are you there? It’s me…Open up." She heard the turning of the knob, and her pulse quickened. What would she look like, what would she sound like, her personality, what, what, what, a thousand whats! The door opened and there she stood, a small, delicate girl of about 17. When she looked at her, she saw the resemblance. Same shade of hair, same telltale beauty mark…but the other features, they were her mothers. The skin, the nose, the eyes…almost red but not quite. She had envied those eyes when she was younger, but now…What was behind them was curious. She could not read them. No matter. It was done now. "Um…h-hi." The girl looked at Alothia for a moment and then dropped her eyes to the floor. She was obviously nervous, maybe moreso than she. Lini motioned for Alothia to come in and shut the door behind her. There were a thousand questions begging to be asked, a thousand words that needed to be said. But they would not come. Alothia took her sister in a strange embrace, one born of longing, of needing to be connected to something from home. Lini smelled of home, of the forests, the earth. Alothia breathed in her scent and closed her eyes. Lini, taken aback at the ferocity of the embrace initially, settled into the hug from her sister as if she had never left. Alothia pulled away and looked Lini in the eyes. "I am so sorry. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I abandoned you. I’m sorry I…" As she spoke, the tears softly fell. Why should this moment make her cry so? Lini grabbed her by the shoulders, “It’s okay now. I don’t care. No one cares. I’ve found you! You’re still alive!” Why should she care whether she lived or died? Why should anyone care? It had been so long, so long… Alothia looked at the girl, confused. “Why are you here? What did you come searching me out for? Why aren’t you at home? Tell me…” Lini nodded and began to talk…