I am considering leaving

[Yhen Yizeh]

Ever since playing here, I've been bullied and put aside as an outcast. No one seems to be on my side. 

 

I don't really know what this post is going to accomplish. I hope that people will be sympathetic towards me and maybe others stop being so mean, because I do take all of it to heart and it hurts. ):

[K'nahli]

Is this a forum and/or game issue, if I may ask?

[111]

Ok bye.

[Zael Aders]

I hope you already have the feeling I don't want you to go. We only just met ICly, but you seem like such a fun person to be with, and I really hope that whatever's getting to you doesn't get worse.

 

If you feel like leaving is the only way for you to not feel put out, then it might be needed. But please think it over first, I'm sure there are more people out there who like having you around.

[Oli!]

Maybe some elaboration on the issue could help a bit? I'd love to try and fix problems, and I'm sure others would too, but I personally don't know what's going on.

[Aldotsk]

While I admit that this community is really strict on what people say, but this is one part of the reason why you try not to insult anywhere

[Faye]

If no one is on your side, it may be wise to reevaluate your own behavior rather than assuming the world is unfair and you've done no wrong.

[Delilah Scythewood]

Normally I don't post to these sort of things but since it's been put out there as an actual forum thread...

 

Might be best to take a step back for a while and reevaluate how you have been approaching things and topics with others. Going to someone to apologize and then insulting them in the same breath (using as an example) doesn't reflect badly on the other person. It reflects poorly upon yourself.

 

If its RL stressors or if the game or community itself makes you feel this way, perhaps it's not a good fit or you need a few weeks to focus on other matters. It happens. I know there are games out there like EVE I will probably never fit in because from what I have heard and observed it doesn't seem like a scope I could agree with.

 

Aldotsk does have a point: Insulting is never the way to go, even if you might feel justified.

[Volk]

I am sad to see this. I had a really good time doing random RP with your character the other night. It's unfortunate that I'm wrapped up into a million things (multiple story lines and a turtle's pace march to level 50) or I'd be more involved. I hope that my unavailability isn't a contributing factor; you're nice

[FreelanceWizard]

All,

 

I don't mind a discussion that's nice, respectful, and doesn't call out individuals or groups. If someone has an issue and wants advice on dealing with it, that's a legitimate topic (though possibly one that could be better handled in private). We've had a few threads where people have asked for help when they've felt burned out or like they've had a bad run with people, and those have (often) been positive.

 

With that in mind, though, the mods and I are going to be keeping a close eye on this thread. Please be constructive, follow the rules, and don't let this devolve into a flame war.

 

#magicAdminHat

[111]

All,

 

I don't mind a discussion that's nice, respectful, and doesn't call out individuals or groups. If someone has an issue and wants advice on dealing with it, that's a legitimate topic (though possibly one that could be better handled in private). We've had a few threads where people have asked for help when they've felt burned out or like they've had a bad run with people, and those have (often) been positive.

 

With that in mind, though, the mods and I are going to be keeping a close eye on this thread. Please be constructive, follow the rules, and don't let this devolve into a flame war.

 

#magicAdminHat

 

I'll do my best to play nice,

 

But hey everyone, no one owes you anything. If you think you aren't valued and want to leave, just leave. No need to make a spectacle and throw a pity party.

 

Not directed specifically at the OP, it's just we tend to have these threads rather frequently.

[DoomsdayClock]

Im up for Rp most anytime. Got enough characters for most types too. PM me.

[Tiergan]

Hey there, I understand you're unhappy with me, and that's okay. You have a right to those feelings. The advice I'm going to offer is given with all sincerity, respect, and good will - so I hope you'll hear me out.

 

You should know that it's okay if you don't get along with people. Sometimes personalities just clash and it's difficult to mesh with certain folks. Not everyone is going to like everyone else. You'll even encounter people you feel are mean to you. Whether or not they're actually mean depends on perspective and ultimately, doesn't matter - so don't worry about them. It's best not to spend any of your time fixating angrily upon any one individual that has upset you.

 

Instead, put all your focus on the people that treat you well, the people who have been kind to you and offered you friendship.

 

You already have a couple of folks in this thread talking about how they would be sad to see you go and that they have enjoyed RPing with you thus far. Instead of focusing so much of your energy on people who have upset you, invest it all in being showing these people how much you deeply appreciate their time and kindness. RP with them more, chat with them, do the Holiday Event with them, or just do neat things for them -- however you feel is best to show your thanks.

 

We all get angry at people sometimes. I would be lying if I said I've never held a grudge towards anyone. That said, I am a firm believer in that you get what you give. If you spend most of your time fixated on the people that have upset you, perhaps even spending energy railing against them -- then you have put out negativity and will only get increasing negativity in return. You feel bad. They feel bad. Everyone feels bad!

 

On the other hand, if you just avoid the people who have upset you (while being very polite to them if you encounter them!) - and instead invest all your time and energy on the people who have shown you kindness, on showing them how much you appreciate them, you're putting positivity out there and you'll hopefully get positivity back in return.

 

I hope this helps and I hope I didn't come off condescending or rude. I just didn't know how else to word my feelings.

[Lilira Lira]

We RPed briefly but with prospects that we'd meet again! I was looking forward to that :c

 

I hope you don't leave, Lili wants very much to meet you again~

 

#LalaHugs

[Volk]

Hey there, I understand you're unhappy with me, and that's okay. You have a right to those feelings. The advice I'm going to offer is given with all sincerity, respect, and good will - so I hope you'll hear me out.

 

You should know that it's okay if you don't get along with people. Sometimes personalities just clash and it's difficult to mesh with certain folks. Not everyone is going to like everyone else. You'll even encounter people you feel are mean to you. Whether or not they're actually mean depends on perspective and ultimately, doesn't matter - so don't worry about them. It's best not to spend any of your time fixating angrily upon any one individual that has upset you.

 

Instead, put all your focus on the people that treat you well, the people who have been kind to you and offered you friendship.

 

You already have a couple of folks in this thread talking about how they would be sad to see you go and that they have enjoyed RPing with you thus far. Instead of focusing so much of your energy on people who have upset you, invest it all in being showing these people how much you deeply appreciate their time and kindness. RP with them more, chat with them, do the Holiday Event with them, or just do neat things for them -- however you feel is best to show your thanks.

 

We all get angry at people sometimes. I would be lying if I said I've never held a grudge towards anyone. That said, I am a firm believer in that you get what you give. If you spend most of your time fixated on the people that have upset you, perhaps even spending energy railing against them -- then you have put out negativity and will only get increasing negativity in return. You feel bad. They feel bad. Everyone feels bad!

 

On the other hand, if you just avoid the people who have upset you (while being very polite to them if you encounter them!) - and instead invest all your time and energy on the people who have shown you kindness, on showing them how much you appreciate them, you're putting positivity out there and you'll hopefully get positivity back in return.

 

I hope this helps and I hope I didn't come off condescending or rude. I just didn't know how else to word my feelings.

 

I feel like this was really constructive. I don't know you, Tiergan, but have some rep for a kind and diplomatic reply that applies beyond this thread alone. I follow a very similar system and it keeps me focused on the people who make me remember why I love this game so much.

 

I might add that in time, the sting of being ostracized will fade and you can entertain notions of some intriguing nemesis rp!

[Perth]

Ever since playing here, I've been bullied and put aside as an outcast. No one seems to be on my side. 

 

I don't really know what this post is going to accomplish. I hope that people will be sympathetic towards me and maybe others stop being so mean, because I do take all of it to heart and it hurts. ):

 

I'm... not sure how to word this, but as you said what others say you take to heart, perhaps consider that what you say, they too take to heart? I feel like thinking of other people as being as easy to hurt as yourself may be can really help yourself grow sympathetic. I additionally believe that in order to deserve or warrant sympathy, you yourself needs to be sympathetic. Much as previous posters had said, what you put in is what you get, and you must always be kind to receive kindness.

[111]

I reread my post and realized it was unnecessarily mean. So sorry for that.

 

I've never met you, or your character and I have no idea what the bullying or drama might be about. However a passive aggressive thread like this will not do you any favors.

 

I suggest you follow the excellent advice given by people in this thread, and don't worry too much about what people think. Just have fun and play the game. Lots and lots of people hate me, for example, but I don't lose any sleep over it.

[Tricky J'vicho]

Well hey there buddy, I don't know ya but I don't -need- ta' know ya in order ta' get some boozin' and drinkin' games goin'! 

 

I'll be pokin' around and if I see ya and I haven't already bedazzled someone with my fantastic-personality and quirky-charm, I'll say hello and you can buy me a drink or ten.

[Banquo Viaquo]

I've no knowledge of the surrounding circumstances, but also be aware that meaning can be distorted based on lack of communication. Slights and offenses may seem deliberate when they're more significant and noticeable to one person than another, when those responsible might have intended none of the meaning taken from it. It's always better to ensure clarity of meaning then to remain withdrawn and letting things build up in your mind.

[Arelian Solin]

Ever since playing here, I've been bullied and put aside as an outcast. No one seems to be on my side. 

 

I don't really know what this post is going to accomplish. I hope that people will be sympathetic towards me and maybe others stop being so mean, because I do take all of it to heart and it hurts. ):

The moment you feel the overwhelming desire to post a thread talking about how you feel victimized is the moment your feelings on the matter are invalidated. Having a victim complex is never attractive, and a thread of this nature only helps reinforce whatever negative connotations some people might already associate with your name.

 

If you have a reputation you dislike. Change it. Don't whine about it. Do something. Grow some empathy. A bad reputation is not changed by telling people that the way they feel about you is wrong. It's changed by proving them wrong by being a better person than the one they describe.

 

 

It is literally that easy! If someone says, "Wow, that comment you made is rude," you can never make that comment again! Suddenly you're less rude. If people are taking the time to point out your flaws, don't get angry. They're 100% giving you guidelines on how to stop being a person they dislike.

 

That's not to say that you should change for other people -- of course not. But if you dislike what people are saying about you to the point where it's bothering you then they are not the problem.

 

 

It sucks feeling like you're an outcast or like you're being bullied. It really does. So if you're the type of person that wants people to like them, sometimes that takes actual work.

 

So my advice; advice from a total and complete stranger that has only heard whispers about you as an individual?

 

Be kind. Have empathy. Don't say everything that's on your mind. Don't even type everything that's on your mind. Focus on the people that make you happy instead of focusing on how other people make you unhappy.

[Gharen]

Ever since playing here, I've been bullied and put aside as an outcast. No one seems to be on my side. 

 

I don't really know what this post is going to accomplish. I hope that people will be sympathetic towards me and maybe others stop being so mean, because I do take all of it to heart and it hurts. ):

 

So, I'm just going to play some devils advocate here, perhaps so the OP examines part of the reason why they might feel this way. We've never spoken before this, or RP'd, but as an outside observer perhaps this viewpoint might assist in making things better for you here.

 

Perhaps you should go back and objectively take a look at some of your recent posts? They come accross as catty, spiteful, and rude, as if you're going out of your way to be personally offended by perceived slights.

 

I'm fairly certain that you don't want to hear this but perhaps this is a self inflicted wound? If you'd like for things to get better with the community as a whole you might want to evaluate how you interact with the people here and how those interactions are perceived.

[ArmachiA]

If there's a way to get some elaboration on this without going into too much detail advice would probably be a little more helpful.

 

I'll try some things though.

 

Was this a specific problem? Did an event happen that caused a lot of drama that made you feel like no one was on your side? If so, communication is always important. Everything is over if people refuse to talk to each other, and if you want to clear up anything with those people, it's important to keep the line of communication open. Send them a message "Hey, is it okay if we talk sometime, I want to understand what the problem is." if THEY decide not to engage, then that's not on you. As long as you let them know you were willing to talk about fix the problem, then that's all you can do.

 

Was there no event and you feel like the community is just ostracizing you? To be frank 90% of the time people think this, it's all in their head. People pull away for a multitude of reasons - haven't been on the game much, got quiet because drama happened and the aftermath is always awkward, They stop rping so much and coming back to rp is awkward, Their closest friends quit, etc etc. When it looks like you're pulling back, people tend to let you do it BECAUSE - get this - they think you're trying to pull away from THEM. So they get awkward and uncomfortable and you're already awkward so know one asks anyone to do anything and one side is going "No one likes me anymore" while the other side is going "They never want to do anything anymore, they just sit in their corner." The best thing you can do here is -- get over it. Just jump in. We've all felt like our friends were ostracizing us at some point or another, but it's mostly our own insecurities. And just like above, something you can easily talk about.

 

Have you taken a step back and looked at the problem objectively? Even if you're wronged in a situation, or at the very least feel like you were wronged, no one is 100% innocent. If something bad happened to someone, People tend to lash out at the people wronged them. It's normal. But THOSE people have friends, and THOSE friends may not be as sympathetic to you. Have you looked at the situation objectively and pinpointed what might have made people mad at you? Obviously, there's something - since you said no one was on your side. It would be a big something, it could be a small something (Depends on how sensitive people are). If you are positive you are 100% wronged here and not the wrong do-er this is probably the case.

 

COMMUNICATION.

There are many people in the world who don't like confrontation. Who believe that fixing a problem is a lot harder than just cutting off all communication entirely. Running into these people can be frustrating. You only did one thing wrong, why are they so quick to dismiss you? You're supposed to be friends, why can't you talk it out?

The answer is "Because." There is no real answer, it's just how some people are built. They only like good, good positive emotions and anything bad that happens they run from. You can't prevent this, so don't be afraid of this.

Communication is key. Talking to the involved parties is pretty much THE ONLY way to make sure to fix the problem with them. It's scary, but don't be afraid to ASK to talk it out. If you aren't comfortable with asking yourself, you can have an friend of yours who's still on good terms go to them and say "Hey, she wants to talk this out, do you thing that would be okay?"

Don't be afraid to try to fix something YOU WANT FIXED. It isn't going to magically fix itself. They are not going to see this thread and come to you.

 

That being said, if they do speak to you. Try not to speak with anger. Be humble. Understand what you did that may have hurt them and explain what they did that hurt you. Stay calm. Keep repeating what the actual issue is if they keep trying to veer off track. Make sure they understand. Make sure YOU understand them.

 

And after this long ass talk, both parties need to let it go.

 

I hope I did something

[Ilwe'ran]

You reap what you sow.

 

You want things to change ? So stop placing yourself as a victim and stop saying that people are bullying you and such a thing. Those people aren't bullying you. They are reacting to some things you did to them and mostly ignoring you.

Constantly whining on the board, complaining about them and sometimes being overly rude is only making three things :

- Irritating those you had some bad relations with and reinforcing their attitude.

- Annoying some that don't know you who will see you as "this person who is sometimes rude and placing themselves as a victim constantly"

- Raising pity over some others, which isn't really a good thing at all (also they might be wary at the same time).

 

So change your attitude and keep your relationship with others private rather than exhibiting those as you are doing since a while.

Fix the problem rather than placing yourself as a victim and making things worse.

Rather than thinking that a lot of people are mean to you without any reason, try to see what you might have done which lead to this. There is no way that suddenly a part of the community aren't nice to you without you being responsible of anything and if you have an objective look on the situation, you will notice that the common denominator in each is yourself.

[Kinono]

I'm gonna throw out a 100% agree with what Tiergan said. I'm sure there are people out there who's online social lives are 100% drama free, but for those that have experienced it, moving on and focusing on the positives are the best, and only healthy choice. If you're feeling bullied and cast out in a community of this massive scope and size, I can say with near-certainty that these feelings are self-imposed. Focus on the people who enjoy your company, on those who want to spend time with you or who you'd like to spend more time with, rather than the people who are neither of those things. 

 

If someone is legitimately hunting you down to bully you or messing with you in some way, don't give them the satisfaction of being hurt by it or posting a thread about it. Exercise your blacklist if you actually have to. Keep on livin' it up with the people you like, and if you don't have anyone you like currently, find some more people you like. Balmung is a massive server, and there are tons of RP circles, some smaller and more closed off than others. Weave your way in with people who have positive impacts, and who you can have a positive impact on, and your online social life will be all the better for it.

[Lilira Lira]

I'm gonna throw out a 100% agree with what Tiergan said. I'm sure there are people out there who's online social lives are 100% drama free, but for those that have experienced it, moving on and focusing on the positives are the best, and only healthy choice. If you're feeling bullied and cast out in a community of this massive scope and size, I can say with near-certainty that these feelings are self-imposed. Focus on the people who enjoy your company, on those who want to spend time with you or who you'd like to spend more time with, rather than the people who are neither of those things. 

 

If someone is legitimately hunting you down to bully you or messing with you in some way, don't give them the satisfaction of being hurt by it or posting a thread about it. Exercise your blacklist if you actually have to. Keep on livin' it up with the people you like, and if you don't have anyone you like currently, find some more people you like. Balmung is a massive server, and there are tons of RP circles, some smaller and more closed off than others. Weave your way in with people who have positive impacts, and who you can have a positive impact on, and your online social life will be all the better for it.

 

Completely agree! There's people who will enjoy your company, spend it with them