Need advice on sensitive situation. (IC and OOC)

[Mimiko]

Hello,

 

I have seem to have gotten myself into a sensitive dance with someone I rp with on FFXIV.  Just to get it out there Im not in love with this person so its not that kind of situation. The only personal information he knows about me is that I live somewhere in Ohio and Im married.

 

Well lets get to the issue. My character started a relationship with this fellow a while back when he joined the FC I am in. And for a few weeks it was all sorts of fun and good times. But his temperament IC and OCC has gotten a bit on the depressing side. I figured it was because of his age and he was away at college. But the mood for the rp had gotten pretty depressing, and fights would break out IC and OCC over little things. ( Examples.

 

If I happened to miss an emote or tell or a line..his IC response was that I was ignoring him.

 

Or If I wanted to run a CT or a dungeon, he would get upset OOC that I didn't want to rp with him.

 

He gott OOC mad with me when I used my own gill to purchase earrings of the auction board.

 ) 

 

Now its gotten to the place where he wants me to rp all the time, and gets upset if I want to level or run CT's or rp with others. Its gotten to a point when I was tired and wanted to goto bed, and didn't finish the rp "session" he wanted to end his character and cancel his account.

 

In all fairness its fun when he's in a happy non possessive mood. But this constant up and down is really starting to ruin my attraction to this game. 

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Or any advice I can do to keep things on a lighter mood?

[Aldotsk]

If an IC gets deliberately escalates to this point of OOC, it is your job to say "stop" to let him know that it's getting personal. Also it is very important that you are also busy or that it happens to miss a line to repeat it. 

 

Paying your own gil to buy something in Market Board is none of his business. Tell him that he needs to stop. 

 

There are many other options. You can give him warning to stop, and if he doesn't - move on and find other players to get along with. No one should quit the game over one person's harassment. Blacklist the person if he's bothering you and keeps pestering you and doesn't agree to stop pestering about this. Tell FC leader that you are being harassed if it's getting carried away. If it gets more escalated than blacklist and FC leader's warning, then report to GM that you are being harassed.

 

You should not deserve this, and you should really consider finding better people to RP or play dungeons with instead if this is causing enough drama that you want to quit the game.

[Naunet]

Well, I'll start out by saying that usually situations like this do not end well.

It's clear you're going through that "internet obsessive crush" thing with this guy. What you can try to do first is establish clear boundaries. You need to tell this guy in no uncertain terms how you feel about his attempted monopolizing of your time, and then you need to lay down the law. Let him know that you expect to be able to have time for X, Y, and Z, and if he's not willing to give that to you, then perhaps you two need to reconsider your current IC and OOC arrangements.

 

Ask him straight up why he wants to do nothing but RP with you. If his answers seem wishy-washy, push.

 

If, after discussion, he still refuses to give you some space, then you have to do the difficult thing and just cut him off. This might be inconvenient IC due to your rp relationship, but you'll need to work around it. Enabling the guy further isn't going to help him or you.

[Dravus]

It's not going to be easy but you're going to have to be tough and honest with the player in question. It might be painful and it might cause a lot of unpleasant drama but trust me when I say it'll be better than keeping your mouth shut and lettings things escalate.

 

I've had my fair share of clingy 'friends' who can't separate OOC from IC and it wasn't pleasant. You deserve to be able to log online and play in peace without being made to feel guilty about not being there 24/7 for the convenience and stability of another player.

 

This sort of thing is unfortunately rather common in role-play communities, though. It may sound harsh and judgmental but experience across a number of modern MMO's has left me convinced that a number of role-players only indulge in role-play as a form of escapism and are quick to bother others with their real life issues and/or a lack of social etiquette.

[Sophia_Grave]

It sounds like you've already brought up the issue with him, which probably means he's not going to change. Gauge whether or not this person is worth your time or not. If he isn't, just end it nicely but firmly.

 

I don't know why, but this sort of thing happens more often in RP communities

[Faye]

In all honesty, these are all bad signs. I'd take one of two routes. The first, if you aren't too fond of him and the RP, would be to break off the relationship IC and keep your distance OOC. If he decides to stop RPing, to stop playing, or whatever, that's on him and you can't blame yourself. The second, if you want to continue the RP and try to salvage your friendship, would just be to sit him down and have a talk with him. Explain that OOC and IC are separate and exclusive, that this is just an RP and it's not your top priority in life, and ask him to take a step back. Of course, if he doesn't change, you're back to option one.

[111]

This does sound pretty rough. Everyone gave you good advice, I just wanna say hang in there. These things are always awkward to deal with. Just make sure your FC knows what is going in, so if it blows up, they won't blame you.

[Mimiko]

Thank you all very much for the advice. It is going to be a tough decision to make but Im sure it will be for the best.

[LiadansWhisper]

Has anyone else had similar experiences? Or any advice I can do to keep things on a lighter mood?

 

Yes, I have had similar experiences.  No, you really can't - and it's not your responsibility.

 

This person is getting possessive and controlling of you OOCly, which is a big sign that his interest is not just in-character, bout Out of Character.

 

This isn't something that you can fix, and while it is possible that his behavior could indicate a larger mental issue behind it, it's also just as likely (if not more so) that his behavior is deliberately manipulative - i.e. he's trying to control your behavior through passive aggressive behavior.

 

End the in character relationship and get away from him ASAP is my advice.

[Nebbs]

Hmmm.. all too common, and as these are also relationships all too personal.

 

The answer is OCC, you need a clear OOC dialogue that is about this being a game, what you want out of it and what they want out of it. Then look at where the "win win" aspects are and agree some rules/boundaries.

 

No only does this allow for RL respect and trust, but it also provides a clear set of boundaries for the the RP story.

 

Personally I prefer to be IC and deal with stuff there, but if things get past RP and into "playing the game together" then yes the OOC conversation is needed. 

 

 

And just to add, this is about real people with real feelings and we have added make believe feelings into the mix. So things are never black and white.

 

 

Remember - Your money, your game, you play for your enjoyment.

[Roen]

I agree with what's been said already.  Plenty of good advice.  It is always a bad sign when IC blends into the OOC.

 

I understand the want to avoid drama, but the behaviors you described indicates a lot of obsessive and passive aggressive behavior.  Red flags! I would also advise having an honest discussion with the person, and if that does not resolve/salvage things, break off the relationship IC and OOC.  And make the break absolutely clear to him.

 

It will not be an easy thing to do, but once done, you can move on and have fun again.

[ArmachiA]

Ah, the E-crush. It can get so many people in trouble.

 

RP community or not, in an MMO environment it is really, really easy to find someone you have a connection with. If that happens, it's how people deal with those emotions that keeps friendships alive.

 

In RP, the E-crush is a fairly common thing that happens, especially if you do Romance RP, but the lines between OOC and IC need to be clear at all times. For me, this requires constant OOC communication to make sure we both know where we stand OOCly and ICly. If I'm doing a romance thing with another player, communication is so, so important.

 

If you feel like he's being too clingy, you HAVE to tell him. You have to keep that line of communication open or things will just get worse. Nothing ever goes away on it's own. Sit him down and figure out his motives. Why does he want to rp with you so much? Why does he get so mad when you just want to play the game? Is it that he's too emotionally attached to you/your character or is it just that you two have different ideas about how an IC romance is supposed to go?

 

Make your line known. Make everything known.

 

If that doesn't work, then you need to get harsh. Cut off communication if he does not listen to reason.

 

It's tough, and it will be awkward, but good luck. I know I have plenty of experience with this ;o

[Mimiko]

Well I figured since everyone gave me such wonderful advice the least I could to is update you on the situation. I took the advice and spoke with this person IC and OOC about the situation…..lets just say it didn't go well. I basically sat there and listened to him turn the tables on me.  He basically told me I used him to help run CT's and didn't need him anymore once I got geared. (Not true, by the way) He also claimed I do not spend enough time with him! After about 40 minutes of this which is 39 minutes longer than I should have stayed there I logged out to goto bed. Well since then he was not on his character all day yesterday, and when I log off I get a message on KIK ( a messenger that some of our FC members use) which said "Well hope you enjoyed your day not having to deal with me at all. Talk to you whenever."

 

So I believe that was the last straw for me. If you try everything to keep me from leaving, but makes comments that drive me away. Then so be it. I am gone.

[allgivenover]

In all likelihood there wasn't anything that you could have done to avert that outcome. Once the OOC/IC line has been breached like that - intentionally or not - with one party becoming possessive as your friend did it's very likely to end just as it ended for you, badly.

 

It's a terrible habit that's sort of prevalent among immature male role-players, as many of them are doing this to replace something missing from their lives and are not actually interesting in what RP should be about - cooperative storytelling.