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Explain an instance in the stupidest way possible

Kellach Woods

By Kellach Woods,
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Kellach Woods

Kellach Woods

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based off a true story

 

HULLBREAKER ISLE EXPLAINED BY A DUMBASS

 

(Kellach Woods) first we gotta kill 5 monkeys

 

(Kellach Woods) hug the wall because reasons

(Kellach Woods) and fail at dodging these guys

 

(Kellach Woods) so this guy. he likes bananas but he's on a low potassium diet, so we gotta feed him only when he's REALLY angry.

(OFFLINE NINJA OF OFFLINENESS) Like how angry?

(Kellach Woods) aoe on everyone with vulnerability up angry

(NINJA WHO ASKS TOO MANY QUESTIONS) How do you feed him?

(Kellach Woods) banans give him a damage buff tho which is why only one banana

(Kellach Woods) click on a tree, you can't miss 'em.

(Kellach Woods) tank and spankety spank otherwise

(Kellach Woods) there's adds kill em

 

(Kellach Woods) there's three stone tablets to find, they're in the chests

(Kellach Woods) the chests are also hungry

 

(Kellach Woods) If you walk he doesn't aggro

(Kellach Woods) so you just chillax, walk up here, and kill some chests

 

(Kellach Woods) this guy - Spawns bubbles, avoid them until he dives underground where there's a whirlpool.

(Kellach Woods) that will conveniently allow you to avoid damage. ain't he friendly

(Kellach Woods) other than that, avoid aoes and make fishbait out of that guy

 

(Kellach Woods) So, this is the kraken

(Kellach Woods) he has tentacles, we kill them

(Kellach Woods) he has arms (?) we kill them

(Kellach Woods) there'll be tornadoes we can ride to get to the other islands, which lowers our HP

(Kellach Woods) if you get something over your head, go to an island that does not have anyone on it, dump the cyclone there, then come back to the island and join the tentacle killing fun

(Kellach Woods) Das it mane

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Steel Wolf

Steel Wolf

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Below is a paraphrased explanation I gave my partner of the Scylla boss fight when he was first running Syrcus Tower.

 

"Okay, so like...this dude has a LOT of shit going on. Most people won't pay attention because there's stuff all over the place. Basically, if you have a blue orb, try to find someone with an orange orb over their head. If you've got an orange one, try to find someone who's frozen. If you have a purple orb--see, see those lightning bolt things? Run it to those. He'll also do a bunch of, like, attacks that...uh, basically, if it's on the ground, avoid it. It'll hurt.

 

"Oh, and uh when you thaw someone with your orange orb, it'll leave a puddle on the ground. You wanna stand on one of those when he does that...that...flare attack thing. Grand Flare or something? It's a flare.

 

"Oh! Oh right, see the raid leader is marking those pads, right? So at a certain point he'll say something pretty stupid...it's about how he looks goofy or whatever. Basically when he starts talking, run over to the pad that has your Alliance's letter on it.

 

"That....that's pretty much it."

 

Stunningly, he was able to get through it despite these "instructions".

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Gegenji

Gegenji

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I remember a description for Castrum Meridianum (I think?) the best.

 

"This is basically 'Adds, the Dungeon.' In every fight, you punch the dude until adds show up. Then you punch the adds. And then you punch the dude until more adds show up. Repeat until dead. Win prizes."

 

With a minor clarification for the last boss, of course. Because you shoot her with the cannons at the same time rather than punch her. Cycle's basically the same though!

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Nebbs

Nebbs

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Okay, Tank.. hold back and let the healer get the aggro.. be tying your show lace or something. Then run in and attack one mob, but make sure you have shild oath up and talk about your awesom dps or how in the last dungeon you out dps'ed the black mage.. yea yea I know this is level 15.. but.

 

Now DPS this is important both auto attack different mobs.

 

Ok set.. and Tank feel free to abandon us at any point.

 

Go!  Oh what you already wiped.

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Kellach Woods

Kellach Woods

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SNOWCLOAK EXPLAINED BY A BEING MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF TRASH

 

 

(BARD WHO SINGS ARMY'S PAEON WHEN I'M AT 800 TP AND THE DRG HAS INVIGORATE) first time here

(FENRIR'S CHEW TOY) hey guys first time here

(Kellach Woods) It's all good

 

(Kellach Woods) i am best at explaining

 

(Kellach Woods) dis guy

(Kellach Woods) tank and spank mostly, except he has mechanic when he casts snow storm or something like that where if you're not moving you get a freeze stack

(Kellach Woods) at 4 you get frozen

(Kellach Woods) can't move for quite some time

(Kellach Woods) so if you just shuck and jive it should all be good

(Kellach Woods) so spank until he wandils outta here or something

(Kellach Woods) og yeah there are adds

 

(Kellach Woods) the yeti is a majestic creature that wants to get huge snowballs tossed in its face

(Kellach Woods) in order to do that, we need to have it breathe on some spriggans, breathe some more and some more to make them

(Kellach Woods) aka i will move it around and you must dodge

(Kellach Woods) there is a blue ogre who wants to safeguard the decency of the yeti so he will smash the snowballs you cannot let that happen

(Kellach Woods) when the yeti casts northerlies that is when you should snowball him. so long as there is one snowball that interrupts we are fine.

(Kellach Woods) in short - kill the blue thingy, snowball him when he casts northerlies or if you feel like it and he's almost dead

(Kellach Woods) then we get shiny loots and can move on

(Kellach Woods) btw

(Kellach Woods) each large snowball = 30k of damage

 

(just so you know, I had a stack of 3 large snowballs and overpowered them all in his stupid face - saw him go from half to almost dead)

 

(Kellach Woods) runnin' the gauntlet up in herrrrre

 

(Kellach Woods) so yes for future reference

(Kellach Woods) we focus the guy that turns into a dragon

(Kellach Woods) because fuck that guy seriosuly

 

(Kellach Woods) who is scared of the big bad wolf, not we.

(Kellach Woods) ahem - he does one undodgeable AoE

(DRG THAT IS NOT A GODBERT MANDERVILLE DEVOTEE) i want that as a mount

(Kellach Woods) one mil MGP at the Gold Saucer IIRC

(Kellach Woods) but that is besides the point

(Kellach Woods) tank, spank, duck and move is the name of the game here.

(Kellach Woods) he does one of two things we can react to

(Kellach Woods) drops 3 ice pillars from the ceiling, two fly towards someone who must dodge, the other stays there and explodes because explosions are cool

(Kellach Woods) the SECOND time he does that, the crystal doesn't explode because we need to hide behind it for Lunar Cry

(Kellach Woods) and once he's done casting that then it explodes hence why we gotta gtfo fast

(Kellach Woods) and ther we go that is how you kill this thing

 

(Kellach Woods) and here we are snowcloak clear we are best group yay

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Nebbs

Nebbs

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T6

 

Some of us will get a bondage thing, and the tenticals will abuse us. I know that's gross but you have to stand still and let it happen. It then gets slimy and we scream and run around a lot.

 

Those that survive will be scarred for life and never speak of this again.

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Brynhilde

Brynhilde

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AV: "Don't stand in the piss."

 

WoD:

 

(Garms) "Don't stand in the shit."

 

(Angra Mainyu) "Stand in the shit, but make sure it's the right kind of shit in the right order."

 

(Five-headed dragon) "Stand in some of the shit but not the other shit."

 

(Cerberus) "You stood in the shit without standing in the other shit first, dumbass."

 

(Cloud of Darkness) "IF YOU SEE SHIT, STAND IN IT."

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Menelwen

Menelwen

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Some of us will get a bondage thing, and the tenticals will abuse us. I know that's gross but you have to stand still and let it happen. It then gets slimy and we scream and run around a lot.

 

Ah yes t6.

 

"Okay the cast is done i am not doing any... WHY THE FUCK DID I GET HIT?"

 

/PSA

 

The reason folks will get hit by Blighted, or by any AoE bad shit, is because the server registered you as still being in the bad, even if you saw that you weren't.

 

I'll use Titan as an example. The plumes? You saw it, you ran out, and you saw yourself out of it...annnnnnd now you're dead. Why? Cause two seconds ago you were in it.

 

Easy fix. Hit a skill, any skill, as soon as you move out of the bad. Even if it is a blank macro, as soon as you are out of bad, click it. The server will immediately register your new location.

 

/End PSA

 

 

 

As for explanations for fights, I try to be as detailed as possible, but both friends and guildmates have witnessed how colorful I can get when people ignore instructions.

 

..Though after completing WoD so many times, I've dismissed elegant explanations for more efficient and cleaner ones.

 

DOOM Eye Boss:

- Watch the ground. If you stand in the red/black side first, go into white/blue next. If you don't know what debuff you had last, check your debuff. Does it have a red hat? Go to white/blue. No red hat? Go to red/black.

- Turn away from doom. If you don't, run to the glowing disco circle on the ground.

- Stay out of the disco pizza. You'll die. Healers will laugh/cry inside/rage before thinking about rezzing you.

- Murder adds.

 

 

Dragon of the f*cking flower:

 

- If you get a purple SIM crystal above you head, hug people. Stand still.

- Dragon will inhale. Do you have a flower above your head? Run to A or C. Everyone else? GTFO.

- STAND IN POISON POOLS.

- Murder disco balls.

- Tethered? Take a hit, then pass it by running THROUGH someone.

- Murder heads.

 

 

Fluffy:

- DPS, let the tank get aggro BEFORE you unleash. PLEASE.

- Melee, watch the tail. If you don't, -50 DKP.

- DPS, run to the orb with the A marker. Now run into the Puke, with the B marker. Go ham inside. Ignore the 'Unknown' add.

- DPS/OT's outside? Murder flowers. Save a healer.

- Murder the boss. Wait to tether so we can get more damage in. Just watch your timer if you're moving the ball.

- DON'T STAND IN FRONT OF HIM DURING HOUND OUT OF HELL.

- Stand close to people during that one ability I always forget the name of. It makes you feel alone, abandoned. Hug someone. Including the tank. Ignore the cleave, just do it.

 

Floating Head:

- Healers put the MT as your focus. Heal the crap out of them. can't cleanse the bleed.

- Get targeted? Run along the outer perimeter. You'll die if you don't. magic users, sprint. TP users, just jog.

- Don't stand in the middle of the room for a long period of time. She moves, always shoots a beam that goes through the arena. Don't stand there. Move.

- Murder clouds. Don't stand behind them.

- Stand under meteors, on the dot. Make sure a blue circle appears.

- Murder worms when they spawn unless you love a Morbol's Bad Breath.

- Melee DPS, use the LB3 on the boss when it pops---BUT AFTER THE CLOUD PHASE.

- See your groups marker? Run to it when platforms appear. Murder the add.

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Faye

Faye

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Okay, this only semi-related, but this thread brought it to mind... in a previous MMO, my friends and I were new to a dungeon and ended up getting matched with some very kindly person who barely spoke a word of English. S/he gifted us some beautiful fight explanations like:

 

"Monkey shoot fire. Fire bad very. Fire strong kill healer 1 hit ok u die understand?"

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Kellach Woods

Kellach Woods

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/PSA

 

The reason folks will get hit by Blighted, or by any AoE bad shit, is because the server registered you as still being in the bad, even if you saw that you weren't.

 

I'll use Titan as an example. The plumes? You saw it, you ran out, and you saw yourself out of it...annnnnnd now you're dead. Why? Cause two seconds ago you were in it.

 

Easy fix. Hit a skill, any skill, as soon as you move out of the bad. Even if it is a blank macro, as soon as you are out of bad, click it. The server will immediately register your new location.

 

/End PSA

Therein lies the problem. This is generally not a problem (WHY ARE YOU RUNNING OUT YOU WILL GET HIT BY CURTAIN oh cast is over so you're safe) except on T6 Rafflesia because the cast apparently detected movement after I'd stopped touching my keyboard.

 

This and Five-Headed Dragon is the LAST place where you want a skill to register because the damage triggers on movement/skillcast.

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Caspar

Caspar

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When facing Shiva, only allow one party member to suffer her chilling farts.

 

You must put the Dorito chip in the dip. (T5)

 

White taffy and candy cane are good on their own, but not together. (T11)

 

On a somewhat related note, our raid group referred to killing the adds in T10 as "killing tank1/tank2's children." Although technically true, it came off sounding dreadfully morbid given that one did have children.

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