Character News Headlines

[A'mahri]

While I was doing a bit of writing to brush up A'mahri's character wiki, I somehow managed to start creating news headlines for pretty much all of my characters..and..I pretty much spent a few minutes laughing because of it.

 

So! If your character made it in the news or newspaper, what would their headline be?

It can be related to current events in RP, or summed up about the lifestyle of your character in general.

 

 

I'll start it off with A'mahri as an example.

 

A'mahri:

Self-Proclaimed Master Craftsman Glues Hand to Plank of Wood

Local Miqo'te Breaks Record for Most Hours Sitting in One Place

 

 

I'm curious to see what you guys come up with!

[GhostlyMaiden]

This sounds really fun!

 

Nanagi:

Aether Researcher gets trapped under mountain of books after tripping over one of the books on the floor.

 

Lalafell suffocated after busty miqo'te in a red coat hugged her too tightly for too long.

 

Kanako:

Fiery redhead found hanging upside-down from a tree after throwing a glass of ale.

[Warren Castille]

Terrorist Uprising Halted After Leader Captured In Central Thanalan

 

Gotta love Ul'dah press.

[voidVirago]

Oh boy.

 

Rihxo

Busty Miqo'te Charged With Involuntary Manslaughter After Suffocating Lalafell With A Hug

 

Adelaide

Woman With Glowing Eyes Terrorizes Botanists, Is Kicked Out Of Guild Area Again

 

Arata

Local Bookworm Causes Small-Scale Explosion With Alchemy Gone Wrong

[Chompie]

Vigilante Apprehends Culprits of Museum Heist, Artifacts Still Missing

 

Or perhaps if it's a very, very slow news day-

Serial Personal-Space Invader Strikes Again

 

Those wacky gosh darn newspapers!

[Aden Dellebecque]

These are some Onion headlines here.

 

Young man helps old lady cross street, immediately adopted by entire neighborhood.

 

Followed a few days later by...

 

Entire neighborhood scolds communal son.

[Kellach Woods]

I do have a couple:

 

Kellach:

Adventurer accuses Sharlayan of Void Worshipping

 

Masked man repels bandit attack on trade caravan: "Not news, this is actually my job."

 

Strange man found frostbitten naked in Coerthas: "I didn't think it was that cold."

 

Sylvie:

Duskwight woman to be executed over murders of 10 Wood Wailers

 

Sanctum of the Twelve under investigation for harboring families of poachers

 

Sasati:

Pacification of the North Shroud leaves Padjals confused

 

Amal'jaa tribe routed, crystals recovered by mysterious benefactor

 

Twelve's Tutelage - School for Eorzean orphans opens doors

[Maril]

L'nessa: 

"Miqo'te accidentally triggers rockslide, gets group stuck in cave" 

"New science: Giving treats to adults after treatment. "Works great!" - Miqo'te Conjurer"

 

Toukta: 

"Immigrant finds new life with Goblet Company, feel better with yourself after reading this weeks Social Feelgood." 

 

Nailah: 

"Corpse seen falling out of window into gorge from Goblet Company house, owner denies all allegations"

[Coatleque]

Fertilizer spill closes road to Buscarron's for a day. Porter denies being intoxicated at the reigns. Forced to shovel same shite twice.

[Melkire]

Sons of Saint Coinach Report Unusual Sighting of Large Unidentified Black Dome near the Crystal Tower. Transluscent Dome Vanished Soon After. No Aetheric Signatures were Registered, Local Practitioners Baffled.

 

Kraken Attacks Continue to Ravage Seafaring Vessels. Maelstrom-sanctioned Ships Unaffected, Targets By and Large are Garlean in Origin. Survivors Claim "Giant Flying Octopus Carried Off Shipments" Intended for Regional Castra.

[cuideag]

Belligerent (and Intoxicated) Highlander Caught Throwing Rotten Eggs at Little Ala Mhigans, Claims "It's for Their Own Good"

[Edda]

Local Father Baffled By Daughter's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time ^{(always a classic)}

 

Over-Worked and Over-Payed Butler Wishes Employer Would Just Shut Up For One God Damn Second And Let Him Clean The Fireplace

 

Long-Lost Nymian Artifact Finally Found, Buried Within Area Woman's Cleavage

[Coda]

Goblet residents baffled at crudely drawn burglar's calling cards left in homes after a string of robberies. "I think its a drawing of a raccoon. And a poo." 

[Khunbish Avagnar]

Vael'a:

Local Magitek Consultant seen chasing after Walker after New Immortal Flames attempted to take it for a joyride.

In other news the fires at Scorpion's Crossing are finally under control

 

Aiswynd:

Do the dead really come back to life or is this a case of mistaken identity?

[Ramen]

Local Doctor arrested for felony dad jokes.

 

Raen wanted for questioning regarding theft of two tigers and a lamp post.

[Gabineaux]

Lost Wig: 1,200,000 MILLION GIL REWARD

[Kurt S.]

Limsan accomplice to foreigner throwing fish guts at Ossuary! Does Limsa Lominsa have something to say to Ul'dah!?

[Steel Wolf]

MENPHINA'S MOON STRIKES AGAIN: Lominsan Woman Streaks Through Aftcastle

[Askier]

Terrorist Uprising Halted After Leader Captured In Central Thanalan

 

Gotta love Ul'dah press.

Isn't this like a weekly headline these days? Lol

[Leanne]

Girl with fancy hat yells about adventure, threatening public peace.

 

I mean...it could happen. >_>

[Chip]

First off, you wouldn't want either of my boys in the news but if such a thing happens...

 

Azrael: Demon-eyed Miqo'te Strikes Again. Is No One Safe?

 

(Although these days it's more like....) Purple-haired Boy Spotted in La Noscea. Has He Truly Returned?

 

Asher: Tail-less Rogue Caught in the Act. Lookout Ladies!

[Grott]

"Lalafell Investigator Proves 'Pearl Lane Poltergeist' Just a Regular Wind Tunnel"

[Kilieit]

A double-page spread run in a well-known Ul'dahn tabloid:

"Slayers of Ifrit - Where Are They Now?"

The spread has an "exclusive peek" at the more public sections of the primal-slayers list that's curated by the Immortal Flames. Some of the people on the list are interviewed. Aghurlal is not one of the interviewees; he is inferred, although not named, in the subheading "Whereabouts Unknown": Lost in the Inferno, where concerns are suggested over the idea that the Immortal Flames managed to lose track of such people.

 

-

 

A subtitle on the front page of a Gridanian tabloid:

"She SLAPPED MY FACE!" - Non-Forestborn Medical Practices Questioned in Our Exclusive Report (Page 7)

The journalists interviewed an unhappy patient of a local non-Forestborn chirurgeon. The patient described the chirurgeon being rude to them and berating them over the reason they were injured, calling it "foolish". The journalists attempted to get an interview with the chirurgeon as well, but were refused; in the article, they take this as an admission of guilt, and question the value of sharing the secrets of conjury with outsiders.

 

-

 

A small article in the corner on page 4 of an Ul'dahn newspaper:

Lower Sil'dih Dig Progressing Slowly - Use Of Funding Questioned

The article features two statements. The first is from the funding body that is threatening to pull out, citing suspicions that their money is being spent on drink instead of archaeology. In the second, Caidenden Caiden conveys a statement on behalf of her employers that there are strict measures to ensure that the money is being spent correctly, and that the lack of finds is due to the archaeological process itself being a long one.

 

-

 

A double-page spread near the centre of a not-well-respected Gridanian tabloid, known to resorting to sensationalism in an effort to make sales:

"DRUNKARDS, REBELS, AND SPIES": What REALLY goes on inside the Adventurers' Guild!

A caricatured illustration of a burly auri man is used as an example of the "drunkards" that can be found within the organisation.

 

-

 

A 100-word article as part of a column about positive developments in Ul'dah:

Breakthrough at the Ossuary; Doman Adventurer Credited

The article is about the fact that a Kanshi no Shuukami is listed as a credit in the "special thanks to" section of a new paper that's come out of the Arrzaneth Ossuary interpreting ancient texts on the subject of thaumaturgy. This article is the latest in a series from this particular newspaper citing examples of various Domans and Ala Mhigans who are playing important positive roles in the affairs of Ul'dah.

 

-

 

A small article in the "BIZARRE NEWS" section of a Lominsan tabloid:

Cat Stuck Up A Tree!?

In an interview, the miqo'te adventurer Y'Trinity Taqa openly admits that she had to be helped down out of a tree which she climbed in an effort to retrieve one of her arrows. There's a small illustration of her holding the arrow in question and grinning with humour.

 

-

 

Another 100-word article as part of the column about positive developments in Ul'dah, in a different week:

"Future Free Paladins Qualify"

The article describes how a new wave of trainee free paladins has been accepted. A short statement from one of them, Liuthas Corwell, describes how excited he is to begin.

 

-

 

A gossip section in an otherwise straight-faced Gridanian newspaper:

"Gridania's Multicultural Families"

One of the families described is a marriage between a Gridanian lord and his Sharlayan wife. The interview with the lord, who is very personable and was happy to invite the journalists into his home, includes the detail that they adopted a foundling some twenty years ago - now a young man, who is currently away in Limsa Lominsa studying arcanima, and of whom they are very proud.

[Eses Fafa]

Moustached miqo'te on the loose, possesses ungodly vendetta against washing boards.