Married IC issues.

[Kimikimi]

So recently I got married IC and while it's a fun thing both ic and ooc. IC my partner seems to have  some issues with me doing certain things that ic are normal for me. OOC they have the same issue that restricts me from RPing with anyone else but them. Now I love RPing with my partner, but I feel very restricted and feel like I cannot do anything but abide by their rules.

 

So I feel kinda disappointed and depressed, I kinda feel like I am being driven away from doing RP which is something I love to do.

[Menelwen]

This is something you need to talk to your rp partner about. Not us.

[Lydia Lightfoot]

If it's an OOC issue, the player has no right to tell you what you can or can't do with your character (though, that said, if you were to choose to engage in an activity with your character that would have collateral impact/consequences on your friend's character, in my personal opinion it's polite to let them know that in advance so that they don't accidentally feel like you're trying to end the RP or something - misunderstandings happen when communication doesn't).

 

If it's an IC issue, then if your character is feeling like their new spouse is being controlling or clingy, then the same thing applies as would in a real-life relationship... they just need to talk it out and establish clearer boundaries.

[Aya]

An IC marriage is not an OOC commitment. If you're not having fun, and the two of you are no longer on the same page, its time to look for something else I think.

[111]

IC Divorce!

Evangeline has reasonable hourly rates if you need a divorce attorney.

[LiadansWhisper]

If it's not working for you OOC, then leave the RP.

[TheLastCandle]

An IC marriage is not an OOC commitment. If you're not having fun, and the two of you are no longer on the same page, its time to look for something else I think.

 

This x1000. OP set off an alarm in my head as soon as I read it. But I'd also echo the sentiments of the poster who said that it's something you'd be better served talking to your RP partner about.

[Kimikimi]

Thanks for all the posts, yeah I will talk to them. Hopefully it all goes well if not then maybe I might have pull the plug in the relationship.

[Aaron]

Or you can just stab them repeatedly.

[Kimikimi]

Or you can just stab them repeatedly.

I could stab them repeatedly...

[Miakoda]

Saw this once on Tumblr- not sure if it applies to your exact situation, but sharing is caring.

 

…don’t forget that some of the flags of an abusive roleplayer are identical to the ones for abusive RL relationships.

The Idolize > Isolate > Devalue > Discard cycle that we see in a lot of abusive RL relationships is actually creepily common online and devastating to the victim, despite the lack of physical damage in most cases (I say “most” because I have seen people driven to self-harm or suicide attempts by online abuse of this type).

Idolize: the abuser is desperate to roleplay with the target. They lavish them with attention, gifts, plots, writing, and/or art. The abuser will do anything to become the target’s new best friend.  Some abusers will become irrationally angry if rejected at this stage and transition into stalking and/or harassment.

Isolate: the abuser begins peeling the target away from any existing friends or RP partners. They’ll attempt to occupy all their online time and suggest they do a lot of one-on-one roleplay in private with them. When in multi-person scenes, they will deliberately alienate the target’s other friends either by acting out, attacking them, or intentionally making RP awkward or impossible for everyone but their target. Gaslighting starts. They may complain the target’s friends are “mean” or “jealous” and attempt to instigate arguments where the target will feel the need to defend them and further alienate their friends. Lavishing with gifts continues in this phase.

Devalue: when their target is cut off from everyone else, the honeymoon ends. Gaslighting ramps up massively. They still want to roleplay with the target, but the target suddenly can’t seem to do anything right.  The target’s self-esteem is systematically degraded. Plots revolve increasingly around the abuser’s character with the target’s being an expendable, breakable prop. They attempt to push their target into roleplay they don’t enjoy or are actively afraid of, and respond to objections or refusals with manipulative behavior like crying, insults, or threatening abandonment.  In extreme cases, the abuser may feign self-harm or suicidal impulses and present them to the target as the target’s fault, i.e. “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.”  Gifts only come as “makeup” presents after a fight and are generally presented in public so that all seems well to anyone not involved. They are now the target’s only major roleplay partner and use that as a weapon. 

Discard: the abuser finds a new idol. Gaslighting hits maximum, convincing the target that they’re the reason the abuser doesn’t want to play with them anymore and that no one will ever want to play with them. Finally, they drop their current target and ignore them or harass them, often resorting to scorched-earth tactics and spreading rumors to make sure their victim has difficulty reconnecting with others. The target and their character are usually badly damaged, possibly irreparably.

Abusive roleplayers like this usually leave a trail of shattered guilds and broken people behind and often move games or servers when chasing a new target. Due to their habit of giving gifts in public and abusing in private, they may even have a good reputation in the community and staunch defenders (especially if they’re well-known for their writing, art, or crafts). 

In other words, good fucking luck catching them before they hurt someone.

Since this kind of abuse is hard to see from the inside until it’s already too late, the biggest thing you can do is watch out for your friends and guildies.  We’re all weirdos here, and we need to keep each other safe.  If you feel like somebody’s new RP partner is trying to separate them from their support system, don’t be afraid to speak up.  I don’t care if they write like the next Hemingway or their art appears to have been shat right out of Da Vinci’s asshole, they don’t get a pass.

If you feel like or know that this type of abuse is happening to you, remember that no plot or friendship is worth your mental health.  Walk away if you can, get someone you trust to help you if you can’t (yes, even the old friends you told to fuck off and leave you alone - they probably have a strong suspicion of why).  Take screenshots or chatlogs so you have some defense against gaslighting or malicious rumors.  You’re not alone, no matter what they tell you.

[Kimikimi]

Saw this once on Tumblr- not sure if it applies to your exact situation, but sharing is caring.

 

…don’t forget that some of the flags of an abusive roleplayer are identical to the ones for abusive RL relationships.

The Idolize > Isolate > Devalue > Discard cycle that we see in a lot of abusive RL relationships is actually creepily common online and devastating to the victim, despite the lack of physical damage in most cases (I say “most” because I have seen people driven to self-harm or suicide attempts by online abuse of this type).

Idolize: the abuser is desperate to roleplay with the target. They lavish them with attention, gifts, plots, writing, and/or art. The abuser will do anything to become the target’s new best friend.  Some abusers will become irrationally angry if rejected at this stage and transition into stalking and/or harassment.

Isolate: the abuser begins peeling the target away from any existing friends or RP partners. They’ll attempt to occupy all their online time and suggest they do a lot of one-on-one roleplay in private with them. When in multi-person scenes, they will deliberately alienate the target’s other friends either by acting out, attacking them, or intentionally making RP awkward or impossible for everyone but their target. Gaslighting starts. They may complain the target’s friends are “mean” or “jealous” and attempt to instigate arguments where the target will feel the need to defend them and further alienate their friends. Lavishing with gifts continues in this phase.

Devalue: when their target is cut off from everyone else, the honeymoon ends. Gaslighting ramps up massively. They still want to roleplay with the target, but the target suddenly can’t seem to do anything right.  The target’s self-esteem is systematically degraded. Plots revolve increasingly around the abuser’s character with the target’s being an expendable, breakable prop. They attempt to push their target into roleplay they don’t enjoy or are actively afraid of, and respond to objections or refusals with manipulative behavior like crying, insults, or threatening abandonment.  In extreme cases, the abuser may feign self-harm or suicidal impulses and present them to the target as the target’s fault, i.e. “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.”  Gifts only come as “makeup” presents after a fight and are generally presented in public so that all seems well to anyone not involved. They are now the target’s only major roleplay partner and use that as a weapon. 

Discard: the abuser finds a new idol. Gaslighting hits maximum, convincing the target that they’re the reason the abuser doesn’t want to play with them anymore and that no one will ever want to play with them. Finally, they drop their current target and ignore them or harass them, often resorting to scorched-earth tactics and spreading rumors to make sure their victim has difficulty reconnecting with others. The target and their character are usually badly damaged, possibly irreparably.

Abusive roleplayers like this usually leave a trail of shattered guilds and broken people behind and often move games or servers when chasing a new target. Due to their habit of giving gifts in public and abusing in private, they may even have a good reputation in the community and staunch defenders (especially if they’re well-known for their writing, art, or crafts). 

In other words, good fucking luck catching them before they hurt someone.

Since this kind of abuse is hard to see from the inside until it’s already too late, the biggest thing you can do is watch out for your friends and guildies.  We’re all weirdos here, and we need to keep each other safe.  If you feel like somebody’s new RP partner is trying to separate them from their support system, don’t be afraid to speak up.  I don’t care if they write like the next Hemingway or their art appears to have been shat right out of Da Vinci’s asshole, they don’t get a pass.

If you feel like or know that this type of abuse is happening to you, remember that no plot or friendship is worth your mental health.  Walk away if you can, get someone you trust to help you if you can’t (yes, even the old friends you told to fuck off and leave you alone - they probably have a strong suspicion of why).  Take screenshots or chatlogs so you have some defense against gaslighting or malicious rumors.  You’re not alone, no matter what they tell you.

This sound very messed up. But I can see what your getting at, I have to agree my time steam, skype, ingame discord is all being taken up by this person, I have resorted to being in offline mode to hide from them because I want to play something else. I fear going on skype because they might message me asking where I have been, even if its only been a day. I feel guilty, or made to feel guilty when I have been away. Then get asked if I really want to be in this relationship, then the other person will be upset and log out and such. All this keeps making me feel like I am shitty person, but really I just want my space, but I never get that space.

[Aurou]

Everyone else gave good advice. Once RP stops being fun and starts to make you feel depressed it's time to move on to something else. Talk with your IC partner and let them know how you're feeling. Give the option of either chilling out and letting you go back to doing things that you normally enjoy or cutting the RP with them completely.

 

There is absolutely no reason why a pretend relationship should cause you so much grief. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be happy again. If they are a true friend they will understand!

[AmeKusakari]

I agree with allot of these comments.  This happened to me in another MMO, and it ultimately turned very sour.  She would get mad if I rp'ed in tavern or with other people, but her character could rp and flirt all he wanted without issue because he was a bartender and it was 'his job' to chat and flirt Icly.  They can get controlling and emotionally abusive.  I would definitely talk to them and make sure they know where you stand, don't let it kill your rp.  I nearly quit rp because of this person and if it hadn't been for my legion-mates and partner irl, I would have just walked away from the game altogether.

 

This is honestly my biggest fear about IC relationships, when the person cannot separate IC and OOC, and get possessive of your time and guilt you into spending time with them.  Considering as you said it's at the point you had to hide yourself online, it's already a big red flag.  You should not have to hide from your rp partners/friends, ever.

[Lydia Lightfoot]

Some of what you've said is a little situational. For instance, I care about my friends and if someone is ordinarily around daily, and suddenly they're just gone for a full day or two without having said anything, of course I'm going to worry and I'll be curious what happened, and I'll ask them when they get back. But, like most things, the devil's in the details - if the way that the person exhibits this behavior comes across as less "worry" and more "how dare you not be at my beck and call", well, then obviously that's uncool.

 

Communication is key, though. If you try to communicate your concerns with them and they don't respond in a constructive manner (e.g. they react with guilt trips, manipulative comments, ultimatums, etc) then you know they aren't really interested in your friendship, because friends communicate.

[Nebbs]

I would agree with most that is said and have been through a few and probably even hurt people. It is not as simple as attacker victim as often these things are done with the best intentions.

 

Have the ooc talk, make sure that you both understand what you want from the RP. Also what you don't want.

I would like more of...

I would like less of...

I would also like to try...

 

IC is not the place to resolve things. But be aware that we are attached to our characters and get upset on their behalf.

 

Even with ooc agreement things change. There is no easy answer but be prepared to move on and deal with fall out. The majority of RP relationships fail so you know this will happen no matter how much you are enjoying the moment.

 

So have the discussion if it does not resolve it move on.

[Kimikimi]

Again thanks for all the replies.

 

Some of the situational stuff, its common for me personally to take random leaves of absence. It might be I am playing a different game, or busy with real life stuff. I have let people know constantly that my life is this way. There are time due to time zone differences where my partner comes online and I am about to go to bed because of the time zones. We both know each other times zones, and work around them to play together.

 

Its just for me personally I sometimes feel restricted once that time comes to play or rp with them even if I want to rp or play something else. I of course want to please my partner, and do right by them. I dont despise them or anything like that at all. I just feel somewhat smothered by the amount to time we spend together.

 

In Character, my character loves her partner. However just as ooc I feel smothered ic she also feels smothered. What I mean is, ic I am a treasure hunter I enjoy going to the quicksand I have friends there and I just enjoy having a good time and a laugh there. IC my partner had a bad experience there so she rarely goes there, and only does come when I have gone there or am missing from my room. IC my partner then comes along and somewhat forces me to leave the place because she feels uncomfortable being there. IC I would say I am fine in Ul'dah, that I have experience living there and being in a place like that, but that doesnt stop them from coming and forcing me back.

 

Now I dont mind spending time with them, IC or OOC but I am restricted from seeing any other people or friends, or making new friends.

 

OOC, the often complain how they dont like the place. So the avoid it, but I am fine with going there and have told them that I am fine going there ic or ooc.

[Nebbs]

There are always two sides, and resolution is only possible by understanding and accepting the compromise on both sides.

 

I'd recommend not getting into specifics in an open forum and try and have a positive ooc chat with them.

[Capheira]

There are always two sides, and resolution is only possible by understanding and accepting the compromise on both sides.

 

I'd recommend not getting into specifics in an open forum and try and have a positive ooc chat with them.

 

This. But I also disagree with Nebbs' comment "IC is not the place to resolve things."

 

I would deal with the IC, IC. Maybe it was something that should have been discussed between your characters before getting hitched. If your character decides they've met their soul mate after two weeks, then, like real-life, you're going to have some issues. Hell even if they got hitched after a year you'd still have issues. You have to just roll with what your character would do in those situations. Explain yourself OOC if you have a need beyond, "This is an in-character reaction". My character has turned down IC proposals because it wasn't the right time or place, and because she didn't feel like she was known enough to make a commitment.

[Kimikimi]

There are always two sides, and resolution is only possible by understanding and accepting the compromise on both sides.

 

I'd recommend not getting into specifics in an open forum and try and have a positive ooc chat with them.

 

This. But I also disagree with Nebbs' comment "IC is not the place to resolve things."

 

I would deal with the IC, IC. Maybe it was something that should have been discussed between your characters before getting hitched. If your character decides they've met their soul mate after two weeks, then, like real-life, you're going to have some issues. Hell even if they got hitched after a year you'd still have issues. You have to just roll with what your character would do in those situations. Explain yourself OOC if you have a need beyond, "This is an in-character reaction". My character has turned down IC proposals because it wasn't the right time or place, and because she didn't feel like she was known enough to make a commitment.

I agree with this, ooc we are friends and there are a few things I can overlook how they RP. But IC I can see a tone of things OOC that just raises flags and makes me seriously want to run away IC and ooc.

[Warren Castille]

I have long maintained that obligations are the death of fun and the origin of resentment. The phrasing you're using is cause for concern, I think: You're worried about being chewed out for playing something else, so you stay in offline mode or just don't sign in? That's unsettling behavior to have to avoid, and I think a pretty strong indication that this relationship isn't quite on the up-and-up.

 

Different time zones can be stressful to work around, but if you're being guilted into giving more than you possibly can (or even just want to!) then it's time to step back and seriously weigh how much your internet pretendy time is impacting your real life behavior and mood and feelings.

[desmond28]

*comes out of lurk mode*

 

Repetition for emphasis: Have a kind but frank OOC chat. Be open and honest. Nebbs had some great lines of thought for the conversation. Give it a couple weeks after that and if there is no improvement... Hell, I'd move on. There, I said it. There are larger things in life to be anxious and stressed about.

[Nebbs]

There are always two sides, and resolution is only possible by understanding and accepting the compromise on both sides.

 

I'd recommend not getting into specifics in an open forum and try and have a positive ooc chat with them.

 

This. But I also disagree with Nebbs' comment "IC is not the place to resolve things."

 

I would deal with the IC, IC. Maybe it was something that should have been discussed between your characters before getting hitched. If your character decides they've met their soul mate after two weeks, then, like real-life, you're going to have some issues. Hell even if they got hitched after a year you'd still have issues. You have to just roll with what your character would do in those situations. Explain yourself OOC if you have a need beyond, "This is an in-character reaction". My character has turned down IC proposals because it wasn't the right time or place, and because she didn't feel like she was known enough to make a commitment.

 

Ah I agree wuth this, IC stuff should be IC. Just when it becomes an OOC problem it is best to have the OOC talk.

[asah]

Hey there!

 

As someone who is also ICly married, I would like to tell you my thoughts on this topic, and maybe help you a little bit.

As Nebula and the others said, you have to talk it out. I think the best is doing it ICly and also OOCly, why? Because I don't think anything you do ICly will work if you don't let your partner know how you are feeling.

I think the best thing to do is talking to your partner about wich boundaries you wouldn't like to cross, or what things you don't want to give up on, even being in a marriage. You guys need to talk it out OCCly and find a 'common place' where both of you will be having fun with the RP.

After this is done, and hopefully you both understood and respected each others wishes, you can discuss it IC. 

 

I think communication is one of the most important thing in any relationship, any! IRL or In a roleplay. So try to talk it out before actually doing something you might regret later :moogle:

[Flynn Bladebreaker]

It's a pickle, but as everyone has already said, you both should talk.

 

As someone who is also ICly married (and OOCly in a relationship with the same person) I can understand certain boundaries, however they are easily solved. For example, me and my partner trust each other enough that we don't need to RP with each other 24/7, and just like our characters they won't flirt with other people and reject being flirted with, but that's our decision.