MMOs and Fairweather Friends

[Zhavi]

Not saying I don't give the benefit of the doubt. Just that the benefit runs out FAST. It's something I need to work on, but it doesn't help when you just don't know that many people. If you can fall back on others or other stuff, then the blow stings a whole lot less.

 

I'm also not used to having more than one person I can rely on for shit, and even that is... not something I'm used to. At all.

 

That's why, to me, it's the first step. If it keeps happening, more than a few times, then you go for the alternate method of contact and the 'hey, I noticed ___ and I was wondering ___.' Too often, in my experience, people will sort of try to sidestep what they actually want to say, and the recipient either doesn't understand what you're getting at or understands it differently from the way you meant it. Being clear is important. Downside is that yeah, you do face the potential for equally clear rejection (or, imo, what's worse: the recipient doesn't know how to respond and so just...doesn't).

 

Take baby steps. If you invest a lot of emotion in a lot of new people, it's going to be a lot more draining and stressful when miscommunication and/or other issues crop up. People are people -- ain't none of us perfect, and the acquaintance you thought was one way might wind up to be another way, and suddenly you don't match as well any more. That's why, to me, it makes a lot more sense to work up slowly if you're easily hurt or tend to invest a lot of yourself into one person.

 

But, like you said, it does suck much more if you're isolated to begin with. There aren't any words that will ease that sting -- but do remember social rejection is something everyone faces down. Keep trying. Eventually you'll find some gems in the pile of rocks.

 

...and to reiterate, communication is super duper important. Unless they are ignoring you across multiple means of communication, don't give up after a few times. Especially when it comes to in game stuff -- back when I was an officer for a raiding guild I can't tell you how many times I'd miss whispers from potential recruits due to being caught up in guild stuff, planning stuff, or zoning out farming -- only to have them leave a post on our main recruitment thread that I didn't respond. >< It does happen!

[Oli!]

I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet or not, but one thing that might be worth keeping in mind is that sometimes people are friendly because they're shopping around for a person or a group of people that they want to interact with every day. Once they find what they're looking for, they generally invest their time and conversation in those people, and the rest sort-of fall by the wayside.

 

I know the concept of "friend shopping" might seem like a really awful thing at first glance, but one must understand that people will naturally gravitate to others that have interests and opinions that they can agree with or take part in. It's not that you're a "bad" person and that whomever they've found are "better" people, it's just that they happen to be more suited for that particular person's personal taste, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself.

 

I am sure that, given time, you would be more than likely to find people who are willing to stick with you due to commonalities.

[Blue]

I have noticed by watching conversations between people meeting for the first time, that unless they have a "bridge-friend" to introduce them to each other, they will generally always be super friendly and over-complimenting, which is... well, at least here in Italy, not quite how RL works. My main guess is that it's all OOC-leaking. People want people to RP with, and to make sure to make themselves interesting to each other they will usually try to be appealing and flattering in as many ways as possible.

 

I have a couple anti-social characters (one of which extremely sexist and sly) and I RP them fully even with strangers. The result is that 99% of times the strangers will walk away from them and not return, so in a way I understand why people prefer to first be super-friendly to strangers, and then reveal their colder/ruder/truer side only later, when they'll think they're acquainted enough with the new RPer to be their IC-selves and not chase him/her off.

[Zhavi]

 

In all seriousness, though, the majority of long-term, well-developed RP I have ever had started with me approaching someone, or being approached, apparently at random in an open RP setting. It CAN and DOES happen. Believe it. Because too often, we're too busy being intimidated to simply walk up, slap that armored rum... er, sorry, was projecting.

 

 

Yeah. I have never had someone approach me for rp -- not unless they already knew me. The closest was when I pmed Raz for the first time; he told me he'd intended to message me but I'd beaten him to the punch.

 

I have a couple anti-social characters (one of which extremely sexist and sly) and I RP them fully even with strangers. The result is that 99% of times the strangers will walk away from them and not return, so in a way I understand why people prefer to first be super-friendly to strangers, and then reveal their colder/ruder/truer side only later, when they'll think they're acquainted enough with the new RPer to be their IC-selves and not chase him/her off.

 

Yeah, and that's the reason for why I generally reach out oocly first -- Zhi tends to be not very nice, and I always want to make sure people know that's the character, and definitely not me.

 

edit- fuck, I forgot. Coat actually did ask me to rp as part of her arc with Ruru and Ruru's brother! That counts; I'd never rped with her before. :3

[Hyakki]

I'm in the same boat as Melodia, I'm lonely. I don't have any friends IRL, my family lives in another state, I hardly see my SO because of work (may as well be mysterious roomate), due to my son's school schedule I can't work, go to school or volunteer. FFXIV is my only source of social interaction and to have the people I thought I bonded with vanish on me time and time again is discouraging and depressing.

 

People offer their company but I would want to get to know them first, which takes a lot of time for me. Its difficult for me to open up to people. I've been burned by friends in the past (recent past at that) so I keep my distance and wait to see how things might go but I think keep them at too great of a distance and they run out of patience and think I don't like them much. Its not that I don't like them, but I don't know how to deal with people any more. I want friends but I'm afraid of being hurt .__.

 

I haven't read the whole thread, so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet or not, but one thing that might be worth keeping in mind is that sometimes people are friendly because they're shopping around for a person or a group of people that they want to interact with every day. Once they find what they're looking for, they generally invest their time and conversation in those people, and the rest sort-of fall by the wayside.

 

I know the concept of "friend shopping" might seem like a really awful thing at first glance, but one must understand that people will naturally gravitate to others that have interests and opinions that they can agree with or take part in. It's not that you're a "bad" person and that whomever they've found are "better" people, it's just that they happen to be more suited for that particular person's personal taste, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself.

 

I am sure that, given time, you would be more than likely to find people who are willing to stick with you due to commonalities.

 

I've been here since beta and still haven't found that best friend that I can do everything PvE with and be an inseparable duo in RP. When I think I finally have... they vanish! I want it badly and I envy those that do have such a bond

[Oli!]

What if we made a Super Happy Friend-Finding Thread?

[Oscare]

I also find myself to be a very large introvert. Not one to be engaging unless it has to do with RP/event/ideas. If I'm not approached, I will more than likely not approach. I grew up my entire life in pure neglect and solitude. It's a nasty habit!

[Eve Malusion]

I find myself guilty of things like this unintentionally a lot. I have a very poor concept of time on a large scale, and problems with ADD. I sometimes get distracted for up to weeks without talking to my friends, then just come around thinking its only been a day or two at most and they ask where I've been all this time. Also I just kind of... forget the friend list exists in this game. Because it loads up names slowly I usually find it a hassle to check regularly, so I keep very poor track of when people I only have on there are around.

 

In that regard if anyone sees this post and feels I've treated them that way, it's really not intentional. I'm just not a very well functioning person. Heck, me doing it extends to real life. I went two months without speaking to another human being in person earlier this year.

[Melodia]

Well....it was a long weekend and one where I was sick a lot, but last night and this morning, after some long talks with the small handful of very close friends in game I have, I made the decision to cut a lot of names from my list. Some I hadn't talked in so long I couldn't remember who they were. Others, who'd blatantly been dishonest with me, and others who were a bit more....well I could just tell our personalities weren't going to work well.

 

And it was cathartic.

 

In the end my friend list while still a little long, it's cut wayyy down. And it's healthier, like me irl. And I'm much happier with the names still there. Because those folks....they are the ones who do the little things, shoot a hello every so often and are just nice people.

 

Always looking for more friends if you're up to the job. Just may take a bit longer than it used to be before I shoot the request to you.

[Delilah Scythewood]

Well....it was a long weekend and one where I was sick a lot, but last night and this morning, after some long talks with the small handful of very close friends in game I have, I made the decision to cut a lot of names from my list. Some I hadn't talked in so long I couldn't remember who they were. Others, who'd blatantly been dishonest with me, and others who were a bit more....well I could just tell our personalities weren't going to work well.

 

And it was cathartic.

 

I've done that before myself Great isn't it? Though I tend to get lost in my own headspace so often I forget to shoot the occasional hello or what have you...oops!

[Aldotsk]

I have a question as I seem to run across this problem a lot in this game and so much so that I have had to do mass purges of my friend list lately.

 

Why is it that people I tend to meet in this game are friendly to a point and then decide to cool and not to a minor degree but to a point where they no longer even want to talk? It's baffling to me. I have many many of my "friends" tell me one thing and then do the complete opposite, so long as it is with someone else. It's almost like a shiny object syndrome with some folks and I am wondering...is this common in MMOs? Or just here? Is this common mostly with rp'ers? Because my "friends" (not all.....but a lot) seem fairweather type and discourages me from getting out and meeting folks because I don't want to get burned or lied to or treated coldly again. :-/ 

 

Any thoughts?

 

I dont mind having "friends" that I met on internet, but I am very paranoid about who I talk to and who I meet that I have never hung out with in person. Which is why I am very against online relationships/long distance relationships or even online friendships. I feel that they are not fully trustworthy.

 

Those who open up to me freely and somehow I feel the same chemistry to them - then I usually open up and become friends regardless. I dont give away my Facebook info and I dont accept their request right away. I know -few- people who tried to add me on Facebook and I've actually had a long time to think about it to add/accept their friendships.

 

I also dont like to talk everyday 24/7 wasting my life in this forum or other community sites. I only contribute when I need to, and other times I play games or do other things outside like a normal person as much as I can and hang out with friends. I don't want to feel like I am isolated and be anti-social when I already am from jocks and regular sports fans and beer/alcohol drinking folks.

 

I understand what you mean by closing your friendships IRL because of gaming/or other reasons, but should you want to ramble or talk about it, feel free to add me on skype. But I dont usually talk about my life unless I feel that it's at the point that I can trust you or anyone else who adds me.

[ArmachiA]

I'm a very distant person by nature, so maybe I can explain some of my thought process.

 

I'm an extrovert. I thrive in a group environment. I'm really good at parties, the people who I went to to Las Vegas with can tell you I'm really upbeat and talkative, I'm good with people and I'm not really afraid of people... in a group environment. Group RP is easy, getting people together for group RP is easy, planning and telling stories for players is easy. Hell, making friends is fairly easy.... to a point.

 

My sticking point is one on one.

 

I will always talk to people I like in /FC or /LS. If you aren't in one of those with me, chances are I'm not going to talk to you much unless you send me a /tell. I'm not... comfortable with sending people tells by my nature. It feels really personal to me, since no one can see what your talking about and there are very few people in the game I will send tells to first (Counting: 2. a whole 2) and both of those people sent me tells first at the start. My first inclination is to go talk in /ls or /fc so everyone can see the conversation to and jump in on it. A lot of people find this strange about me, since I'm really good at directing people and unafraid of asking for rp or whatever. It's generally because I'm doing what needs to be done to move the story along, RP isn't personal so I don't worry about it so much.

 

I keep a lot of my personal information close to my chest. Not for any real reason other then I need to feel comfortable giving it out.

 

BUT, in my mind, I'm cool with a lot of people. Even if I don't talk to them very much it doesn't mean I don't like them or even that I'm not friends with them. I actually don't mind if people send me tells. I'll talk back or whatever, it's just not something I do very much. The best place to really socialize with me is in a group setting. Once you're not anywhere in a group that can see me talk, I generally don't go out of my way to make sure you can.

 

Also, I get BUSY in this game. I used to be the Guild Leader AND the Storyteller for my FC which was easily 13-14 hour days of doing nothing but feilding ooc questions, ic questions, raiding schedules, and drama. My entire day would look like: Get up, take a shower, write for an hour, get on the game, do roulettes, 10 hours of Guild responsibilities, some rp, go to bed. If I got up anytime past 10am, I would lament I wouldn't have time to do what I wanted to do that day. I GET BUSY.

Still do. I'm just the storyteller now but it still takes a lot of my time.

 

I'm like this is real life too. Anyone of my friends can tell you that's it's pretty normal for me to fall off the radar for awhile. I'm an extrovert and I'm social, but I also need time to just be a loner too - write a story or play a game. This game forces me to be social everyday so it's a little different.

 

THere are reasons for my behavior, but those are TMI really, so I hope I just explained it well enough

[Melodia]

-snip-

Armi you know you're always good with me! *hugs*

[Melodia]

Follow up question....

 

Say you have friends who've been quiet for a while. Where's the line between between being a pest (i.e. sending a hello or something) and just letting go? When is that line crossed? I ask because there's some folks who I say hello to and get nothing back, if I keep pushing until I get a reply I fear being a pest and making things worse. <------------*has been called an annoying pest before*

[ProvaDiServo]

Follow up question....

 

Say you have friends who've been quiet for a while. Where's the line between between being a pest (i.e. sending a hello or something) and just letting go? When is that line crossed? I ask because there's some folks who I say hello to and get nothing back, if I keep pushing until I get a reply I fear being a pest and making things worse. <------------*has been called an annoying pest before*

 

I tend to send a "sup" post once and only once. if I don't reach em then I assume they'll get back to me at a later date.

[K'nahli]

For my part, I am typically a quiet person.  My friends list is 99% people who added me first.  And I rarely send people tells unless it's to clarify something from RP.  Doesn't mean I don't like people.  I'm just not one who engages others.

 

This is me in most cases.

[Naja]

Why is it that people I tend to meet in this game are friendly to a point and then decide to cool and not to a minor degree but to a point where they no longer even want to talk? It's baffling to me.

 

Hmm, I think sometimes people are like this because your and their personalities don't mix? People can sometimes put up a front when you initially meet them (and perhaps appear super friendly), then as you get to know them, either you or they realize that you both have less in common than you both initially thought. I think that if that's the case, then you shouldn't ignore the person who you don't mesh well with, and at least say via tell or a letter that you can't be friends. I believe that's kinder than stringing someone along.

 

But really, if someone's been treating you that way then they aren't worth keeping around as a friend. I think a lot of people like the idea of making genuine friends in MMO's, but honestly, I believe that unless you connect with the person on a deeper level, then you're more than likely just acquaintances.

 

Say you have friends who've been quiet for a while. Where's the line between between being a pest (i.e. sending a hello or something) and just letting go? When is that line crossed? I ask because there's some folks who I say hello to and get nothing back, if I keep pushing until I get a reply I fear being a pest and making things worse. <------------*has been called an annoying pest before* Sad

 

Perhaps the first time they're just busy. Especially if you're messaging, say, a popular roleplayer. I'd try maybe 2-3 times. After that, it quickly becomes apparent that they don't want to talk to you. I wouldn't be discouraged though. It takes work to get good friends, but an online game renders the search particularly difficult. You have people playing the game, roleplaying in the game, and doing AFK things. This naturally makes people distracted and stalls their replies.

 

I think even with all of that going on that it's still a great platform for potential friendships *IF* you have things in common OOC that makes the friendship more solid.