You are allowed to Fail

[111]

Hello all, I've wanted to make this thread for a while, as it is both personally cathartic, and I think it will help others.

 

So often in this game (and in life) I see people stay away from things they desperately want, because they are afraid of failing in the attempt. May it be RP, PVE, Social aspects or even real life issues, people (including myself) let the fear of failure keep them away from their goals. Eventually people even give up on them.

 

I want to let you know that you are allowed to fail, and when you do fail, the consequences won't be as bad as you think. You might even find yourself better off than having done nothing at all. In the spirit of that, this thread is for our failures, and the discussion of the fear of failing.

 

Hopefully the examples here will show others that they're not alone, and that everyone has their failures. Do not let the fear of them keep you from what you want.

 

Here are a few from me to start off:

 

I made an FC, a long time ago. It was an RP FC with my friends in real life. Countless days of work were poured into it. Plans were made, a house was acquired, friends joined. However largely due to my failures, the thing fell apart, something I was angry and bitter about for a long time. However despite my failure, I learned a great deal from the failure, and try to use that as I go forward in this game.

 

PVE - I think everyone can relate to this, unless you mainly clear content with a very solid static. PUG groups can tend to expect perfection (from others, not from themselves), and can kick you or insult you if you fail. However everyone has to learn at some point, yet it can be very intimidating going into a group of strangers, not knowing that you can competently do the fight. So people just don't do them. I have failed at content more times than I can count, I've been insulted and kicked. I've joined groups where people have seen my name, and kicked me because of past performance they've seen. Yet... despite all that, I still manage to find groups, and I still manage to find content. Balmung is a huge server, and your failures will not be as widespread as you think. There is always a chance to try again with another group.

 

And that group, won't remember you as the person who failed, but the person who had some experience, and helped them clear. And they'll be the group that will want you back, and be happy to see you.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, if anyone else can relate, or has stories of their own failures to get off their chest, please, feel free.

[Caspar]

This a million times. Every death is a learning experience for me. Wiping in unfamiliar content is a teaching tool, not something to be feared.

[-no longer matters-]

I actually enjoy content that is hard and that me and my team (PuG or premade) fails at. This way the triumphant feeling of finally over coming it is so much greater!

[Viola]

It's not a failure, it's a temporary setback.

 

Failure implies that you did not succeed. Big deal, you didn't complete it this time or the next. Failure starts when you give up. Not when you wipe, not when you decide to take a break from what you're doing.

[Aya]

Very well put Nat!

[Kellach Woods]

Yeah uh like a lot of my personal issues have to do with this. I've been on and off therapy for years now.

 

I'll let you know how that goes.

[111]

Yeah uh like a lot of my personal issues have to do with this. I've been on and off therapy for years now.

 

I'll let you know how that goes.

 

Same here buddy. The only thing that's really helped me is to just do the things that scare me.

 

The real big one for me was transitioning (I'm transgender), it was sort of tearing me apart, feeling the need to do it so strongly, but also the fear of losing my friends and family.

 

In the end I just had to do it, scary and depressing as it was. I still have issues surrounding it, but even the failures haven't been as bad as I feared. I try to just take the leap with other issues in my life, but it's still really scary.

 

The few failures I do have seem to just destroy me, and all my successes and confidence can be wiped away by a single failure.

[Kellach Woods]

Funnily enough, my ex is trans.

 

I've got the same problem too - regardless of the gravity of the failure. It's fucking stupid for a 30 year old to be completely fucking destroyed by performing badly at a video game but that's how it is.

[111]

Funnily enough, my ex is trans.

 

I've got the same problem too - regardless of the gravity of the failure. It's fucking stupid for a 30 year old to be completely fucking destroyed by performing badly at a video game but that's how it is.

 

Yep, I can have a good job, kitty purring in my lap, people who love and respect me...

 

And then some little setback happens and suddenly I feel like I'm less than shit. I wish my emotions could have like a little review, and go over past performance before immediately torpedoing my self worth.

[Kellach Woods]

for me I just feel I've gotten all of these failures, but damn if I've had successes and shit, so it's like... okay i fail and fail and fail and fail and keep on failing with more failure.

 

but when is it my turn to succeed, y'know?

 

also seems like I failed to stay on topic

[Zhavi]

I feel like this is simplifying the emotional struggle too much.

 

The failures you fear the most are the most complicated, the ones that hit you on multiple levels. The last straws, the big, impactful, long-lasting ones that take more away from you than you know how to deal with. Especially if you've already exhausted your avenues of help, or know that there is not really anything else you can do. Those suck, and they suck hard, and there is no way around that except to accept it and pick yourself back up.

 

Sometimes a video game is the last piece of self-worth people have, and so yeah, of course it's a scary prospect.

 

Sometimes it isn't okay to fail. But you have to learn to keep trying anyways, and nothing will make it easier or better.

[LiadansWhisper]

I'm speaking from a purely PvE, dungeon/raid standpoint.

 

Even the best players fail.  A guild in WoW called Method recently killed the hardest fight available in that game.  What a lot of people don't know is that they failed over four hundred times before they got the fight down.

 

When I was raiding with a progression guild in Mists of Pandaria, we wiped over two hundred times on one of the harder bosses, and almost five hundred times on the hardest boss in the raid.

 

When I read this thread, I went and pulled up the character that was my main for most of my WoW playtime.  I have died over five thousand times in raids.  I'm not even making that up - the exact number is 5,136.  I went and looked at my previous main, and she's died 2,974 times just in raid instances.  Put together, that means that over the course of my WoW career, I've died over eight thousand times.

 

Eight thousand times that I've failed.  I want you to think about that for a moment.  I've failed at my job as a healer (because ultimately, your job is to keep yourself alive) eight thousand times.

 

But, I've also been the Emperor's Twilight.  I was the Storm's End.  I was Hellscream's Downfall.  I was the Savior of Azeroth, the Dragonslayer, Blackwing's Bane, of the Four Winds, and the Firelord.

 

Part of raiding - in any game - is failing.  So if you want to raid, you will fail.  But so will everyone else.  And there is literally nothing sweeter in raiding than the moment when you finally get it right.  

 

So don't let the thought of failure turn you away from raiding.  Don't let it scare you off.  Throw yourself in head-first and be prepared to bash your head against the wall again and again and again until you make it up over that wall and into Nerd Glory.  Trust me, it's worth it! 

 

k4oLWSw1jAY

 

[Aoi Fukiku]

-snip-

You made me go on to the Wow Armory and check out my character which I haven't played in a raid scene since the end of Cata and stopped logging on to a few years ago.

 

11,103 deaths total, 7,795 of that in raids. (I pushed content throughout my 8 years. After ended top 50 world in Cata I quit for rp and school)

 

I agree with you on alot of what you said. I believe it is okay to fail. I am fine with people learning. I am a person who needs to see it in game. A video is not going to do much for me then give me a general idea. No one is perfect and I never expect anyone to be. Only thing I ask is if you need help, don't be afraid to seek it. <3

[DoomsdayClock]

It took me a very long time to find a role I was comfortable with. Honestly I had so many awful experiences in PVE early on....

This being my first MMO, I had never played anything of the sort. With everyone I knew running around in fancy gear, with so much of a background I felt more than unworthy to even drag my sorry self a long on their dungeon runs and the like.

I think...I had done all of the start dungeons with friends holding my hand. I had gained a degree of confidence in tanking, and thought I knew what I was doing...

I decided to run Brayflox with randoms, to be bold and confident and just give it a go! We got to the first boss and wiped, and I hadn't realized that the boss areas locked when you stayed in them. So I quick teleported back to the entrance and thought I'd rush along and jump back in....only to be met with the wall keeping me from helping my team. But with the wall also came A LOT of hateful words my way...followed by a very quick vote to dismiss me. It was the first time I'd ever experienced such..I instantly logged out and took hours to regain the courage to even turn the game on ( as if the three randos would suddenly be there to complain more ).

That set a tone for me...and for a long time I never did content if I could avoid it.Folks force carried me along for the sake of having me able to get a room and junk like that lol.

I think I eventually found a better class to play..and through constant dailies I picked up more skills and tricks to help me along. But more than that I used the example of those doods to decide to ALWAYS be kind to the people I wind up with. Even if they are "bad", I will go out of my way to try to teach things..over and over if I must. More so I think I go a bit too far and take exception when party members aren't excellent to eachother. I left an Ultros once because they yelled at a DPS and dismissed him for not knowing the mechanic, then laughed about it....told them good luck finding another tank/healer ( can't remember) in mid battle lol.

That said, I will cherish my first EX Primal win forever...and hopefully will have more of them down the line lawl.

I might not be great..but damn it I want to have fun.

[Mae]

Sometimes, you didn't fail... but you sure as hell believed it when you were told you did. 

 

And that's the problem I have out in the Real World. Most of the people in my life have been super supportive of me and my decisions. But despite that, the handful of those who weren't supportive often seemed to have the larger effect on me, probably because a couple of them had control of my grades.

 

I recently turned thirty-one. I am just now reaching a point where... yeah, I may actually manage to shake off those voices that told me I was a failure. For the past couple years, my husband has kept reminding me that he wants me to find the career that'll make me happy. I was recently offered space to set up a workshop/studio. I've acquired all the material I need to start... except a pair of safety goggles, rubber gloves, and a particle mask.

 

And I am so afraid to get those three items.

 

Not having them gives me an excuse to not actually start on this course of action. I don't want glass in my eyes, and my lungs are in bad enough shape without coating them in portland dust. And since I can't start, I can't fail. But once I have them? There'll be no more excuses. Will I be the failure that a few people told me I would be? Did I just waste all that money on nothing?

 

It's scary.

[Volk]

EDIT: My original reply was pessimistic post that was not constructive. I support the message of this thread !

[Nebbs]

I agree with this OP.

 

On my good days I am fearless, I am up for anything and nothing gets me down. But the way of things is one small pin prick of disappointment can bring all your fears back. At that point it helps to stop the panic and just remind yourself that the prick is not that big and "choose" how you want to respond if at all. 

 

On a bad day, I'll be under my covers waiting for the day to go away. A life of negative feedback, as I struggled with words, conditioned me to avoid and dislike any feedback. I am sure many are in a similar position.

 

That is why failing with friends is the best way. I love PvE but really I love to wipe with friends as we all learn. The loot and progress is secondary to that for me.

 

Another trap is the comfort of solo dailies and crafting and gathering. I know I want to RP, I know I love RP, and yet I often find myself doing just one more craft, or hunt, or leve.

 

We know that being with those who feed you and build you up is the way forwards, but the memories of rejection and failure haunt us. We see the negatives and ignore the positives.

 

So the next time you fail, just put the negatives to one side and consider the positives. They are there.

[Ha'uruh Nunh]

I know this feeling. There's a job I want to apply for, but I'm afraid of being rejected for it, and since it would be basically the same job I'm doing now, I know I'd take it as failure, or some sort of commentary on my performance. I'm always terrified to change jobs for fear of failing at the new one.

[Viola]

Not to derail the thread; I worry about every choice I make. Every steps I take.

 

I'm trying to start transitioning (As I am transgender as well), and lately it seems either I'm missing something or I'm going about it wrong.

 

I'm mentally unstable, easily getting upset over the pettiest of things, I'm really clingy, and the worst part is, I'm so afraid of failing that things that I shouldn't blame myself for, I do.

 

It's so difficult for me to function as a "normal human being" in public as I have literally no "real life" experience, and it was up until September of last year that I lived with my parents. Within a week, I lost my home, my two dogs (who were therapeutic to me) and dropped into a depression that's been harder than the Great Depression.

 

I am 25, and I've been trying so hard to pick up the pieces since then. If I hadn't had my friends, I probably would be in the ground right now.

 

http://i.imgur.com/FYQlEpM.jpg

 

Here's Brownie (the small brown pikachu) and Bluto (the big black pikachu). I raised them since birth, and this year they're going to be 3. I'm going to stop here with this post because I'll end up rambling on more than I already have. Sorry.

[Steel Wolf]

I can speak to the power of jumping in to the fire.

 

My new best digital homie, Zarek, was the one who pushed me on and gave me support in both an emotional and a literal sense of helping me get over my tanking and dungeoneering fears. I now look at new dungeons and raids with excitement instead of crippling worry.

 

It's so trite that it's literally an ad slogan, but it absolutely holds true. Just do it.

 

And I offer my own support to any who ask. Even if it's a digital hug or cheering on.

[Aislinn]

OP, thanks so much for this thread. I'm really glad I'm not the only one. I usually play healers in MMOs. But sometimes I take things so seriously and worry if I mess up in a dungeon that makes me a horrible player. And in this game, where a lot of PUGs demand perfection, I used to make myself sick over it and I almost let those bad wipes chase me out of the game. But the best thing I did was take a time out to explore other classes.

 

I absolutely fell in love with the Rogue/Ninja class and am having a blast. It was never a class that was at the top of my list when I started playing but I'm glad I decided to give it a go. Something about it just clicked with me. I find I'm more confident in groups and enjoy dungeons a heck of a lot more. That's not to say I won't one day pick up the healer again but sometimes the best thing is just a change of perspective. It's not a failure to take some time to find your niche.

[111]

On a side note, I have a lot of experience dealing with transgender issues, and also navigating the process. If anyone is transgender, or questioning, or just wants to talk, feel free to PM me. I know that it can be incredibly scary to admit issues like that to anyone, because if you tell the wrong person first, it can be very bad.

[ZephyoFire]

I find that most of the decisions I make are made within the boundaries of 'success' and 'failure.' I'll get half-way in my attempt, and then stall out and let entropy end my progression when the window for success grows smaller. Even with joining the RP community, I have this stigma upon myself that if post describing my plans for my character are not responded to then it just means it wouldn't 'make the cut' if I finished my work anyway. That if I had approached the situation any number of other ways, I'd have a chance at being 'successful.'

 

My imagination has been working against me more than it has been working for me. As someone with a mild autism spectrum and anxiety issues, it's amazing how much I let some possibility outweigh what simply is. Part of it is mainstream culture, I suppose; Go to school, get a job, pay off debts, continue the pattern.  Follow the formula and you might achieve success, but deviate and you'll certainly be a failure. But the truth is, success may not bring happiness, and failure isn't an absolute; merely a stage of progression, passed through on one's way.

 

Sorry if I have rambled, or reiterated what others have already stated. But My comfort zone is small and cramped, and I like the theme of this thread.

[Kellach Woods]

BTW, when i referred to failing at a video game. I didn't mean this one.

[Gegenji]

I find that most of the decisions I make are made within the boundaries of 'success' and 'failure.' I'll get half-way in my attempt, and then stall out and let entropy end my progression when the window for success grows smaller. Even with joining the RP community, I have this stigma upon myself that if post describing my plans for my character are not responded to then it just means it wouldn't 'make the cut' if I finished my work anyway. That if I had approached the situation any number of other ways, I'd have a chance at being 'successful.'

 

You've basically described most of my creative ventures. I'll start something, and slowly taper out of it as worry gnaws at me - doubly so if it's something no one seems to be responding to. I've had a few stories I've written on DeviantArt, for example, where I've gotten several pages worth of stuff put down... and just stopped because it just seemed like no one, well, cared. Even though it's just as likely that people hadn't come across it because DA's a rather big website and is more for art than for the written word, I still think that people are seeing the little preview blurb and seeing it as junky trash that isn't worth their time. And so I get worried and nervous and negatively self-reflective and ultimately never finish it.

 

Thaliak's Sisyphus might've ended up the same way if I hadn't been able to convince myself that lack of posting by others saying what they liked or didn't like is... relatively common. Now I'm more at a writer's block moment on how I want to proceed with things rather than floundering in worry over whether people like it. Though, the desire for feedback is still there. :blush:

 

I'm a little ball of fear and worry in general, though. I worry that my lack of knowledge in something or another at work will end up with me getting fired. I fear of awkward or ignored in social situations so it takes a herculean effort to get me to try and go out places - even if I want to be social in a sense that goes beyond the Internet. I even worry that folks might not want to RP with me, or that I'm not RPing an interesting enough character (or, conversely, making them too "strong" and pushing folks away) - so all I can do is timidly ask if people want to RP and fade into silence when no one says anything and go back to slowly grinding levels on Gogon. And don't even get me started on my worries and fears on romance and relationships (and my lack of either at the moment).

 

It doesn't help that, at times, it seems like the world is agreeing with me on my negative self-view. Last Monday I felt the desire to go out and be social - to try and make new friends and do something other than sit at my computer all day. Found a game event thing about twenty minutes away - board games and such. While I was hoping more for a way to restart my DnD-type games, it was still something and - with the proddings of folks in the RPC chat - I drove on down.

 

To what was effectively a trap for college kids - a cafe that just happened to also have board games and the like. The fee for hanging out to play games and such was $5, with their Monday special being $1... if you bought $10 worth of food - which was basically a burger given their inflated prices. Most of the people there were walled off (figuratively, not literally) in their own little groups and seemed distant to me when I timidly approached. The group that I had read about was also... less than stellar. They seemed distant as well, save for this one heavyset stuttering girl who just looked like she was trying hard to fit in with the others.

 

She was also more or less abandoned by the others when they left, leaving her with no way to get to the Metro for a ride home beyond... me. Someone who had basically only been "hanging out" with this group for all of two hours. Which I did, because I really couldn't say no - it wouldn't been rather cruel leaving her to walk the five/ten minute drive at night. Even if it felt REALLY awkward giving a lift to someone I just met.

 

So, my desire to go out and be social ended up in spending $7 ($2 on parking - there was paid parking - and $5 for the "hanging out" at the cafe) learning one game that we only played a couple rounds of before everyone bailed... and finagling myself into one round of a card game before that group decided to change things up. Not to mention the 20-30 minute drive both ways and ending up having to awkwardly converse with an awkward girl who was abandoned by her gaming group as I drove her to the Metro.

 

My biggest solace of that whole thing was... at least I helped someone. If I hadn't been there, who knows what could've happened to that girl. So... there's that, at least. I still think the whole venture was a horrible failure that feeds into that spiral of negativity... but I managed to glean something positive out of it. :blush: