Hurt Feelings (Advice Thread)

[Erik Mynhier]

Ok before I pose the question let me lay this out first. This is me being a bit meloncolly tonight and seeking advice for me and others that this has happened to. This IS NOT a place to list off bad stuff, name and shame, or stuff like that. That will lock the thread and the advice I'm looking for with it. Please be mindful of that.

 

Ok, so have you ever had your feelings hurt ooc in a game like this? Again please do not say what happened, a yes or no will do. The question I lay before you, the advice I seek is. What do you do when you get your feelings hurt in a game like this by other people? I'm not talking bleed or anything, just straight up hurt. How do you deal with something like that?

 

I am trusting in the maturity of the replies. Just advice is needed.

[Faye]

It just depends on the situation, really.

 

If it was something slight and likely an accident or something unintentional,or something I know I'm being somewhat irrational about, I ignore it and try to forget it.

 

If I think it was intentional and the person is toxic all around, I try avoid them and cut them out of my life entirely if they prove to continue to be a problem.

 

If it was a someone I care for and a friendship I deem important and salvageable, I talk to the person, politely and calmly as possible tell them what they did to upset me and try to work things out.

[g0ne]

Well, the first thing I do is smile. Then I look into my heart and I say 'Forgive and forget', and then I take a deep breath, and voila! Works for me very time. 

 

If someone hurts me, I try to forgive them as soon as possible, chances are they didn't mean it, and even if they did, meh, blah. And then I purge the memories of the incident from my mind. Yes, painful memories are hard to get rid of, but if you can't completely get rid of them, at least lock them up in a vault and let it collect dust.

 

In my opinion, if you cling to hurtful stuff, you're only hurting yourself, so better to just go grab something yummy to eat and say 'wow, this is yummy'. 

 

But then again, I've mentioned multiple times that I'm a strange person (have I?) and I think when I was younger someone dropped me on my head.

 

My two golden S are: SMILE and Sorry, and my two golden F are: Forgive and Forget.

 

I normally don't say this stuff, because I feel people will think weirdly of me, but I hope it was helpful, Erik.

[Brynhilde]

Yeah, I have. No-one can help how they feel about things, and sometimes the feels sneak up on you.

 

The most important thing is never to let it negatively impact your dealings with other players. It is, after all, a game; the option is there for you to log out and collect yourself if need be.

 

So take some time. As much as you think you need. And when you come back, you can talk to the person who hurt about the incident if you you feel it's important. But you'll be able to do so with a cooler head after taking a little break.

[Domri Blackblade]

My brain and emotions do not function in a manner that would be a sort of standard for most people. However, I find the most useful thing to do after a lot of recent hurt is to distance, distance, distance. Let yourself and whoever else is involved take some time and cool off because most of the time, the rise of emotions can make a situation more dramatic than it has to be.

 

It's not easy to do, but if the people can come back to it after some time has passed and look at it with a bit of a cool head, I find that helps in sort of... handling the situation.

[DreamedReality]

Yep.

 

I usually take a step back and take a good hard look at the situation. I'm the type to take a bit of time to over analyze.

 

Generally the questions I ask myself are:

Why was what was said hurtful to me?

What is my own frame of mind currently?

Was what they said given with malicious intent? (generally?: no. But it has happened. If it does the toxic person gets cut out.)

 

 

Depending on the answers to the first questions, sometimes it's a matter of me having strong opinions/feelings/desire about a subject/event and I don't think the other party is giving it enough thought/attention. Which is more on me and my own experiences/desires projecting. In these cases, sometimes talking it out with the other person helps. Sometimes its just a matter of getting over it and letting someone else have their own opinions/accept they don't share the same passion for something I do.

 

Sometimes I'm just feeling overly sensitive and fragile and reading too much into something.

 

Sometimes it's a straight up personality conflict. And like the first one sometimes talking it out helps.

 

But it's always good not to approach the other person until you know you'll be able to talk about it objectively and be willing to listen. Like others have said, don't go into it still riding that emotional rollercoaster.

[g0ne]

Erm, everyone else has given way better advice than me... :blush:

 

Ignore my post...

[Virella]

To an extend. I do not care what happens to my characters, yet what DOES upset me somewhat is when people get hurt due to my characters interactions. I simply shrug it off these days though. If people wish to get hurt, so be it. I cannot stop them from being such.

 

However, if it comes in conflict with other people in a FC, I will address such issues to FC leader/officers if they desire to hear about it.

[Berrod Armstrong]

I'm a firm believer in communication -- but that's for myself. Everyone is different, and that's not even getting into circumstances. I have had my feelings hurt OOC before, and the first thing I tried to do was to communicate with the person involved to find out why things had happened the way they did. 

 

That may not work for every situation -- what if the offending party/parties are being deliberately malicious? In that case, distance is my go-to. Even then, communication comes up, since I usually confide my feelings in someone I trust (usually someone IRL) to gain some perspective, get things off my chest and maybe get a little advice.

 

I hope you feel better and whatever has been bothering you is resolved in as peaceful a manner as possible.

[Ha'uruh Nunh]

Of course I've had my feelings hurt OOCly - there's a lot of nasty that goes flying around.  It's worst when a friend bites your head off for some reason.  That's happened to me recently, but all you can do is try to talk through it, or walk away and let everyone cool down for a bit.  Sleeping on it helps me usually.  Nothing seems as bad in the morning.

[Val]

Of course it's happened before. As we grow as a community, in this game and others, we will eventually develop friendships with our peers and form mutual bonds. It doesn't have to be a relationship; a close friendship is enough for most. There's people I met back in Vanilla WoW that I RPed with and am still in contact with to this day. We may not roleplay, but we do chat at each other on occasion.

 

With such strong bonds comes the inevitability of being hurt, knowingly or unknowingly, by the other person. If I'm aware that they'd intentionally doing it, then most of the time I just drop them. I don't care to associate with people that go at lengths to willingly hurt me and people I know.

 

If I know that it was an accident, I try to look past it. People mess up. That's just a fact of life, and I understand that.

 

As for how I deal with it? That also depends. Losing friends is rough, especially when it's someone you've known for years and you talk to on a daily basis. I tend to just try to busy myself by finding other things to fill that void/gap that is suddenly there. Going to the gym, playing other games, trying to find other people to hang/do things with, anything really. I personally suggest any sort of physical workout, as it will help you feel better in general! 

 

I also try to talk to the individual about it if it's someone I care to keep around. Sometimes you have to be willing to give them time, especially if it's a mutual falling out. If not, I do what I can and try my best to move on.

[Melodia]

Yes.

 

And I am still learning to cope better....more productively enagaging with people. I often let myself get hurt over silly things or little things or even worse, assumptions. I think lots of what was d here in the thread are good ways to deal with it. And they are strategies I need to adopt. I tend to be a tad bit oversensitive and the way I have started to address times when I feel or believe my feelings have been hurt is to try and express those feelings as early as possible so they don't fester. Fester+me= pouty/moody/whiny.

 

So, I try to talk as soon as possible, but again...I have a long ways to go in improving my reactions and how I take things in the game.

[ChewableMorphine]

Nah, to be honest.

 

To me, it's just a videogame, and sure things can be said and done; but nothing is actually confronting you. Just don't take things to heart and play the damn game as it was intended sometimes. Nobody should have their feelings hurt over how you kill your time, videogames are for fun, not feeling shitty. 

 

If I really had to condense it to a singular quote, it'd be this.

 

 

 

 

[Chris Ganale]

I mope for a few days. And may or may not make petulant decisions about my characters in response.

 

I'm not a good source of advice on this.

[Warren Castille]

I've played too many online games to not have been burned a couple of times.

 

Faye basically had the right of it, in my opinion. Unintentionally hurting someone happens. Intentional hurting of someone isn't something friends do. We're stripped of a lot of extra senses online - there's no inflection of voice in text, we can't see body language, we don't get the gut feeling of trust/do not trust. I think getting hurt is a when and not an if when dealing with so many people in an online space.

 

Or any space, really.

[Magellan]

Erm, everyone else has given way better advice than me... :blush:

 

Ignore my post...

Lol but your post was so amazingly upbeat

 

To OP, I've been hurt pretty bad in the mmo world, to the point I actually took a year off to lick my wounds. When I came back I was able to take things a little less seriously, and overall avoid people I consider toxic.

 

I tend to try and talk things out if there is a misunderstanding, but if people don't respond to that, then at least I know I tried. As for addressing the actual hurt itself, I try to remember there are loads of folks who appreciate me for me, both in game and out, and try to spend some time doing fun things with them to bolster my spirits.

 

Hope you're able to find some peace and resolution.

[Steel Wolf]

Honestly, I have wondered aloud and in writing why the hell I'm RP'ing as a result of feels.

 

I'm not sure I can provide advice, as I have yet come to an answer to my own questions. That said, I am looking to the few people who offer encouragement, support and genuine interest as the watermark and not the outside damage of a multitude or personal assumptions of myself.

 

"Keep your friends close", in other words.

 

I hope that's helpful. <3

[Jerciex]

Yes, couple times over stupid things.

 

When my feelings are hurt I usually try to talk about it with close friend in-game, but sometimes I can't, even I want. I'm ashamed to talk about reason that hurt my feelings. That is when I tend to withdrawn to my own shell and think about it alone. This means I get leave situation politely and log out from game, taking break. Usually feeling is gone night and all is good again when I meet this/these person(s), 99% of the time.

I have noticed it has been me who made things look worse than they are and allowed my thoughts confuse me.

Hopefully this was somehow helpful and allows you find solution.

[Rila]

My approach is simple.

 

I ask myself two questions: 1) How important is this person and/or storyline to me? 2) How much time, effort and energy would it take to resolve the issue with them? The answer to this will usually be a best case scenario and a worst case scenario.

 

I then weigh the answers against one another. If their importance to me is greater than the energy I expect it would take, I will try to work things out. Otherwise, I just kind of shrug and not make much of an effort to engage them anymore.

[Zhavi]

It just depends on the situation, really.

 

If it was something slight and likely an accident or something unintentional,or something I know I'm being somewhat irrational about, I ignore it and try to forget it.

 

If I think it was intentional and the person is toxic all around, I try avoid them and cut them out of my life entirely if they prove to continue to be a problem.

 

If it was a someone I care for and a friendship I deem important and salvageable, I talk to the person, politely and calmly as possible tell them what they did to upset me and try to work things out.

 

This, really hard. Sometimes you're overreacting, sometimes you're not. If you're hurt enough for it to affect your state of being, you talk.

 

Because, really, if I am well and truly hurt, ignoring it has never fully made the hurt go away, you know? Nothing is perfect, but communication will get you there the closest, imo.

[Flashhelix]

not really no

[111]

[Nebbs]

A few times and I come back for more.. soo...

 

First before all that hurt, be prepared to get hurt. If you are not then you also miss out on the joy.

 

For strangers and casual friends then this is easily brushed off. If that raid really wound you up go do something else until you can shake it off. This will happen again and again.

 

Tip: Find a vid/song that always makes you feel happy and calm. Then put an elastic band on your wrist. Every time you feel a twinge of annoyance or hurt, twang that rubber band and play your happy thing. This lets you intercept the automatic reaction and over time you will become more resilient as you start to spot what triggers you. Works for road rage and other stuff too.

 

 

What is more hurtful is longer based friendships that go bad, the hurt never goes away in my experience and I carry a few around with me. Try and fix it being open and honest, and if you can't move on. Moving on sounds easy, it isn't .. it really really isn't. Emotions I feel don't care for the logic of separation, emotions are felt by you and are therefore real and you will have to go through real recovery to move on. 

 

If you do have to move on, expect it to be painful, break off all contact, links and things that remind you of that person(s). Find new activities and people to be with, and don't be tempted to check on them. Find people who support and believe in you, people who make you smile not frown. At some point you will come to accept the past, and look back on it and learn the lessons about yourself. You will still carry the hurt but you will have some understanding and acceptance.

 

And it will always hit you when you least expect it.

[Darien Cadell]

We get to decide how we feel. Not the person who "made" us feel bad. Us. The people doing the feeling. Someone else may do something that is objectively amoral, or whatever, but they have no capacity to dictate our reactions. Zero. They do a thing. We react to said thing. We choose how to react. We choose. That's pretty much the end of it.

 

However, I'm a basketcase for a lot of thoroughly external reasons to the game, so my feelings are all over the place, regardless of what I would like or what's best for me. I'm still trying to decide how much distance I need to remain mostly content, nevermind happy. So far, it's quite a lot of distance, but I'm playing the game again, which is nice.

[Aris]

I've never been deeply hurt in the game, as I don't know anyone very well enough to hurt me to such an extent - but I've been hurt by friends who I met over the internet which is the same thing. To be honest, to me it's just the same as being hurt by friends in person, except on the net it's easier to block them and never see them again, whereas that's a little more difficult in person depending on social circles. But I digress.

 

I think it's important to get some space from the situation first of all, especially if emotions are raging. It's no good making a decision or trying to talk to someone when you or they are like that because if people get angry or upset they often can't think rationally, or in an argument pride can get in the way over logic.

 

After that, I guess I usually approach them and talk it out. Communication is important, especially if it's a friend. Try and understand the situation and the other person's point of view. It's difficult to say much further because it depends on the situation. But I'm trying to remember there's no point regretting anything, because you can't change the past, but you can change the future. There is always something to learn from it - so learn and move on, because I can always change myself for the better. And accept their apology, but if they're a repeat offender consider taking a step away because it's not worth putting up with someone who makes you feel hurt on a regular basis.