Hurt Feelings (Advice Thread)

[Aaron]

I haven't exactly been hurt per say, more that I will feel like I've done something wrong because of just how I'm nice as a person majority of the time.

 

Like in grindstone, I feel bad a little OOC if I win without so much as a scratch, or Aaron IC says something like "You're annoying the fuck outta me." It just happens and I can't explain why.

 

So far as me being offended myself? It rarely happens, I mean sure I might be astounded or go wtf ? But in the end I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and just let em rage, sooner or later they say sorry and we wound up being friends and stuff.

 

I'm a very chill person or so I like to think, I forgive pretty much any and everything and I apologize for a lot of stuff half the time I didn't even do. It's just who I am. (That's not wimpy at all, just courtesy thank you.)

 

But if it's something like people calling what you say ridiculous because of how they feel personally or something along those lines and I feel that trying to defend myself to them is a waste of time. I simply tell them they don't /have/ to acknowledge my existence. I'm not losing any sleep over how they feel (as long as I didn't cause that feeling explicitly of course)

 

I tend to get along really well with almost anyone. Or at least I try to.

[Titor]

Yep

 

I moved on by making new, better connections, reconciling with the in-game relationships they attempted to tear apart, and moving on with my IC story and OOC psyche, and it has been much healthier for me in general.

 

My advice would be try to find the positive in the situations. If someone really turns on your suddenly or is knowingly setting up the conditions for rampant dramamongering, that is not really someone that should not really be wanted in your IC and OOC life, and was never really a friend to begin with.

 

Just keep trying to be the best person you can be, that is what I do, at least, and it seems to have worked quite well.

[Dravus]

I've been stabbed in the back a few times over the years both in the real world and in MMO's. I strive to emerge from such an ordeal with my dignity intact, however and simply take the very firm stance of cutting off all contact with those who directly harm either myself or those that I care about.

 

I do, however, worry that I come across as frigid at times. I'm rather guarded these days since in the past when I revealed my tender side and more about my real life it was exploited and taken advantage of.

[Nebbs]

Yep

 

I moved on by making new, better connections, reconciling with the in-game relationships they attempted to tear apart, and moving on with my IC story and OOC psyche, and it has been much healthier for me in general.

 

My advice would be try to find the positive in the situations. If someone really turns on your suddenly or is knowingly setting up the conditions for rampant dramamongering, that is not really someone that should not really be wanted in your IC and OOC life, and was never really a friend to begin with.

 

Just keep trying to be the best person you can be, that is what I do, at least, and it seems to have worked quite well.

 

I think real experience says more than any theory.. *hugs*

 

I've been stabbed in the back a few times over the years both in the real world and in MMO's. I strive to emerge from such an ordeal with my dignity intact, however and simply take the very firm stance of cutting off all contact with those who directly harm either myself or those that I care about.

 

I do, however, worry that I come across as frigid at times. I'm rather guarded these days since in the past when I revealed my tender side and more about my real life it was exploited and taken advantage of.

 

If it is malicious I agree, but often things fall apart and all are hurt. There is no fault just regret.

[Delilah Scythewood]

Deep breaths is the best advice I can think to give.

 

My gaming career has been almost nothing BUT MMOs which means I interact with people almost constantly whenever I play my games. Given that, it means that there are a lot of opportunities to not get along. Miscommunications. Running into asshats. Etc.

 

What I've found that helps me the most is to simply surround yourself with positive people. If someone is a dick to you for whatever reason? Immerse with those who have shown you kindness. Do an activity you really enjoy (PvP, grinding levels, crafting, etc.) and lose yourself in it for a few hours until it takes the edge of the burn off so you can look at things more clearly.

 

We're all humans and we all have feelings even if we're separated by screens and miles.

[Mae]

Yep. Multiple times.

 

I can't really say that I've handled the situations with logical or consistent methods beyond doing what I felt was needed to preserve my emotional/mental health at the time. Sometimes things got patched up in a few days and we kept a friendship, some took weeks and we're officially just neutral with each-other, others I'm still holding a grudge about and forced interactions between myself and the other party are NOT good.

[Askier]

Yeah, so people touched on this already and you got some good advice so I'll be brief.  I use this in real life:

 

"Is this thing that currently is stressing or pissing me off gonna be an issue in six months?"

 

Seriously. Ask yourself that.  99 percent of the time the situation or problem isn't gonna be something that will bother you even three weeks down the road.  And there ain't ONE thing that is rp or game related that is gonna mean a whole ton six months from now once you realize the shots are down range and can't take them back so gotta keep walking forward. Trust me as someone who once got broadsided by a load of people about something rp related.  Long term, issue didn't mean a thing.

 

Dust in the wind, baby.

[Branson Thorne]

I have a filter that pretty much weeds out any emotion other than happiness when it comes to gaming. In my opinion, unless it's a real life friend, it's just some random stranger on the other side of a screen. Who cares what they think/say.

 

I always tell people that have an issue with something like this "Only worry about those who matter in your life, anyone else, (insert f word) em"

[Aaron]

I have a filter that pretty much weeds out any emotion other than happiness when it comes to gaming. In my opinion, unless it's a real life friend, it's just some random stranger on the other side of a screen. Who cares what they think/say.

 

I always tell people that have an issue with something like this "Only worry about those who matter in your life, anyone else, (insert f word) em"

This approach works wonders also. 

 

Half the time I have someone get on my case about something that isn't really that detrimental to anything I do the above.

 

The point of a game is to have fun in the long run, not kiss up to what everyone else wants you to act like or do. if people are hurting you, (insert F word) em as the above says.

[ArmachiA]

Absolutely.

 

I'm one of those people who has like a bajillion walls built up and, while I'm friendly it's always still with keeping people at a distance. I'm a pretty private person in that way. I don't really send tells to people, I'm not good at speaking to people one on one. Most of my interaction - which many people in my FC will tell you - with 95% of the people will be in a public space where everyone else can see it. If I send you a tell, it's mostly for business (I help run the fc after all) most of my conversations are lore/characters questions in private while most of my public interactions are me shipping all the things

 

There are very few, and I can count them on one hand, who have penetrated the wall. And while I'm really good at shrugging off most bad things that happened with an "LOL oh well" attitude, those who get behind the wall can DEVASTATE ME. Thoroughly and utterly. They have done it before, they've done it in this game, and it will probably happen again. That's how it goes when you deal with people.

 

I'm of a mind that if anything is worth saving, it's worth trying to save and great things don't come easy. I will try to fix something I deem worth it until I am 120% sure there is absolutely no way to fix it. I will do EVERYTHING I have to.

 

Then, if it's clear its not going to be fixed, I'll quietly let it go. I'll quietly let them go. You'll never really hear me talk badly about the people who hurt me so badly. You'll barely ever hear me talk about them at all. If they want to walk away, I let them, and make it easier for them to do so.

 

But not until after I kicked and screamed to try to fix it

[Aldotsk]

I think I've felt this a lot in this game's community more than any other MMORPGs to be a bit more hostile environment and I've felt a bit hurt a lot too. 

 

I can't say if I am hurt or feel aggravated, but this community in terms of roleplaying itself seems a bit too much to me sometimes. I've taken a break from roleplaying many times from this game due to OOC dramas within group of people, friends, FC and LS. I've been stressed within IRL and people pressuring me wasn't really helping me to stay healthy either.

 

Then there is also couple of times, when I want to enjoy my time to talk with everyone and hang out to do something and think of something to get myself to understand more roleplayers in this game, people just kind of brush it off and then start to make comments which makes me think that I am being attacked.

 

Despite that my English is second language, it's hard for me to comprehend when someone is taking it seriously - and it's hard for anyone to see if I am making a joke or not sometimes either. And that brings a lot of problems. I honestly wanted to make friends in here, and when people do share strong opinions to each other, it happens. But now, I am not quite sure if I even want to get to know anyone in this community at this point because I feel that everyone's too selfish for their own, or they just picked out their own favorites to RP with any not everyone else.

 

Despite that it is just a game, and I shouldn't take it seriously - I try really hard to not take it to another level of snapping and being upset enough to quit the game. I love FF14. No questions asked. It's really matter of whether I want to RP or not anymore since it seems like RP drama happens more than regular gaming drama. I get along with my FC members, and honestly, without them - I don't think I'd play this game any longer due to the fact that there will not be anyone to socialize with in game. I'd go back to WoW or something else for a change (I'd really not go to WoW).

 

IRL wise? I am just a normal guy who just wants to be successful in his life and get a successful career in the future. But in gaming, I'd also want friends in game or RP because it's something I like doing, and majority of the time - I feel like everyone seems to hate me and talk ill things behind my back and I do feel hurt a lot sometimes when many brush me off. 

 

Honestly, I really wanted to make friends with people, and sometimes it felt like everyone is really just enjoying their time to pick a fight with me. I personally do not like bullying, and I'll defend someone from being bullied if it goes over the line sometimes, and then I end up being the bad guy for being a mediator.

 

There has been many people I've argued with (passive-aggressive term). I won't mention their names here, and honestly... I don't even want to have grudges with them or hate them. I just want to be friends with everyone, and I am sure I can't make friends with everyone anyways. but even when some of us say we might be "cool" with each other after argument, I feel like they have something against me still behind my back - because they kind of still brush me off even though I want to start a conversation. So I just end up shrugging off, but really. It's not easy to make friends in this game, and it's a bit difficult to just get along. And really? It's just hurting it's own way that I can't really enjoy RP or this game as much as I wanted it to be.

 

tl;dr

 

Honestly, communication is the biggest key to everything. But everyone has a different view in communication too and some people might not even want to communicate with you. And that's pretty rough in the end.

 

Though I am very reasonable person when people talk to me about problems between us. I really try to be because I don't really hate people as I wanted to be.

[Flickering Ember]

Yeah, I have had my feelings hurt. I would like to add on to what some of the other posters in this thread have mentioned. I know I have had my feelings hurt more than once but for this post I have a specific incident in mind.

 

I know in a previous game a few friends had said something to me that I found to be very hurtful. Afterwards, I definitely felt lonely and pitying towards myself but I also considered why my friends had said something so hurtful. In the end, I walked out of the situation recognizing that I needed to make some changes. Though my feelings had been hurt, I realized that my friends were right. After that, I started to make changes and I kept my friendships.

 

So I suppose my advice would be to understand that it is all right to feel hurt but don't let those feelings blind you. None of us want to admit we are wrong. We might even completely overlook that possibility, and not because were too prideful! Try to see another's side and why they said the things that they said. That is not to say that you are in the wrong for having your feelings hurt. But just because someone hurt your feelings doesn't mean that they are always wrong. Keep that possibility in mind.

[Harmonixer]

Yes.

 

With varied effects. Generally speaking I would say your emotions are not unwarranted and you shouldn't hold it too close to your heart if you can help it.

 

Flynt mentions that it's just a game, and he's very right in that regard. But our emotions are real, it's about how you want to let it effect you in the future.

 

I say use it to empower yourself and take a lesson learned from it and try to apply it for good in the future. It's vague I know, but I once had a theatre teacher that told me something I'll never forget, it gets really corny from here:

 

"While you are still young, you should fall in love as many times as you can, and get hurt as many times as you can because there's something out that that doesn't want you to experience anything. Ever, at all. Have your dreams crushed and you hopes high and when the grim times come the good ones will be so sweet you'll only come to appreciate them."

 

She cried a lot when she said it, and I was kinda young. So maybe I'm adlibbing a little. Eitherway, the point resonated with me.

 

Break a leg out there.

[Talon Morrigan]

All..the...damn..time.  No seriously it happens, and why? Because like so many of you, I invest alot of time, thought, and effort into building the "bonds" my characters have... in developing their stories and evolving their characters. It's natural to assume at some point events will happen (conflict is the heartbeat of RP at times), and things will go abit too far. Feelings get hurt ICly and OOCly... because hey.. Text sucks at expressing emotion, and let's face it, some people can be very cruel because they can be it without any real repercussions IRL. 

 

At those moments it's important to really follow the advice so many have listed here... step back, catch yourself and remember.. You are not the character and you truly do have control of what you allow to happen both ICly and OOCly. Sometimes the simple act of reaching out, apologizing, or asking to discuss something that's happening ICly that's bothering you OOCly can clear up alot.  Perhaps something was said or done with one intention, only to have a completely different outcome or reaction than someone expected? Maybe the why it got worded made sense to the sender, but came across completely wrong to other person? A problem can't be fixed until it's made known that there's a problem. That said, there are those that just don't care... for them we can thank Yoshi P and the devs for the almight "Blacklist"!

 

So yeah.. mini-rant's over. Most things can be solved through communication and possibly taking a moment to cool off. For those that can't.. blocking works too! 

 

We all pay for our own subs, and have t'learn to play/rp responsibly... or at least make a damn good try at pretending we do!

[Hammersmith]

I'm old and I have a black stone for a heart.

 

I really doubt there's anything this community could do that would break the emotional fortitude I've been forced to develop in my long eras of RPing and dealing with people.

 

A big part of that is divorcing myself from this as something to be heavily invested in. It's a game. I run with a "Is it fun?" rule. If it's not fun, if it's not worth the investment, I drop it. It's not worth it, the person responsible isn't worth it.

 

There's no reason to give them anything worth my time to act. Fuck em.

 

In practice it's more like : Accept the compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you manage this, Tell Me How

 

God modder? Can they be salvaged and taught better? If so then work on it. People deserve to have fun and be included. If they double down and are an asshole about their special snowflake who has no flaws and can do everything? Ignore them and don't let them into anything I'm doing. They aren't worth the hassle and they've proven they're not willing to not be abusive/aren't looking for a similar experience that I'm seeking with storytelling.

 

Drama queen? Block, alert my friends to stay away from the toxic situation, move on. They bring their friends? Block them as well. Shit continues? Sony's harassment policy is there for a reason and works, I hope. I log people's shit-talking pretty extensively to this day because of experience with types of people who deny everything when you try to shut down Toxic Shit. Having logs of idiocy quiets the savage beast and feeds the ban-hammer nicely.

 

If I screw someone up? Accept responsibility where applicable. Part of being A Fucking Adult is knowing when you fucked up and how to deal with saying I Fucked Up. This is a fairly easy concept known as : Don't be a dick. If you are a dick, stop being a dick an apologize and learn to not be a dick in the future. Don't seek areas where you would have to BE a dick. Not worth it. Don't do it. Dick.

 

Thankfully I have all the romantic RP tendencies of an shrapnel mine, so I don't deal with that facet of things, ever (Which I think has saved me a LOT of grief, come to think of it)

 

TLDR; Have fun, stop if it's not fun, assess what's causing the emotional conflict, deal with it maturely if worth it or drop it like a hot rock.

[CrimsonMars]

I try not to let something as trivial (at least  to me) as an ooc mishap between two or more players get to me. Like, what are they gonna do, kill me? Like Hammer said, it's just a game that is met to be fun. With that said, it -can- be very disappointing when it does happen especially if you've known the person for quite a while.

[Hammersmith]

Wow. did I ever fuck up the edit function

[Caspar]

I was upset when a friend of mine got into a raiding static and did not think to invite me, but I realized later that they probably didn't have an opening for multiple DPS. Eventually I got in, so it ended up not mattering in the long run. Moreover, it was sort of an unreasonable thing to assume; he's not always the most considerate person, so at times it has upset me, but just because of that, it didn't mean that it'd been a conscious effort to snub me. We go way back and it's rare for us to do stuff independently of one another in the same game. Looking at it now I can really see how silly it was to assume the worst, but I can understand why I came to the conclusion I did; it just wasn't a rational one.

[Delilah Scythewood]

Adding something extra on my end:

 

Laughter.

 

The other day I got rip. Roaring. PISSED. And. UPSET. Not because of the game itself, but because of interactions with the humans that inhabit it. I was so angry and I started to laugh. Hard. Maniacally. While my boyfriend is staring at me in fear and I'm in a Skype call with two or three people who aren't sure whether to find it funny or horrifying. But you know what? The laughter, while forced at first, actually helped.

 

It was the weirdest shit, man. Next time I'm angry or upset I'm going to try it again even though it makes me look like a looney. You know what they say "laughter is the best medicine".

[K'nahli]

I find that sometimes, even with people whom you know incredibly well, your mind can just choose to be an irrational jerk and have you questioning their intent and mindset over certain things when you would otherwise know better.

 

I like to think myself as a mostly rational and level-headed person when it comes to disputes. Even if I am a third party and strongly disagree with someone, I usually defend and/or explain the point they are trying to make if I see where they are coming from. Similarly, I try to find out what exactly the issues are when problems arise involving me. I apologise for my own mistakes and for causing upset but I tend to expect the other person to admit to their own faults too, though sometimes that just doesn't happen and I let it slide if it's not too important because I don't care for dragging out little spats over some misplaced sense of pride.

 

I can't really think of what I do to make myself feel better, but usually I do after the issue has been resolved. If it's not a random person, then most people are subdued by the simple fact I am willing to apologise for the upset caused and show an interest in simply going back to normal, regardless of who is in the right.

[QueenFrejyalen]

I have been hurt in this game by other players, yes.

 

My best advice is be honest  - with them and yourself.  It's okay to admit that you're hurt by something.  In fact, I think coming clean and saying, "That really hurt me" takes the pressure off of you to remain "unmoved", which just builds up in bitterness over time, and then you're susceptible to react horribly over something small.  (Or at least, in my case)

 

And being honest with them in explaining calmly why it was harmful for you is important.  Too many people think one fight and it's all over - I've hurt someone, now they hate me! - when in reality, humans hurt each other and that's relatively normal.  But it shouldn't be tolerated, especially if it moves into the realm of bullying.

 

Honesty truly is the best policy, both for yourself and for others.  Since becoming more honest with myself and others in my own life, I have felt a lot of grudges and bitterness fall off of my shoulders as I accept human nature and responsibility for my feelings.  =]

[Monster Lady]

Hurt by people in this game? Yes, yes I have. And I agree with Faye, it does depend on the situation.. However, I learned that sometimes, when you are trying to fix yourself at that exact moment is to just let that pain out. If you feel like crying? Cry. If you feel like scream? Yell into a pillow. If you need to be alone for a bit, that is okay too.

 

Listening to music that is upbeat or.. Just plain stupid is a good way too. Or watching a funny show.

 

Take yourself away from the game for a little bit so you can focus on yourself. In time, reflect on what happened, think on if you can confront the person in a calm manner. Don't be afraid to be honest to them and admit you were hurt by their actions. From what I have seen of what others say in this forum, honesty is a big part of things and I agree. It is a key element. Surround yourself with friends that care and if the wound is still too fresh, try to remain upbeat. Talk to friends your trust, get it off your chest.

 

Become a Daruma! Even if you fall, pick yourself back up again! It's always best to look ahead.

I hope this was decently helpful. I came across this before and used some of the ways others suggested and it did help so, just to quickly say, thanks everyone. You all are amazing

d^-^b

[J'hevra Lapineaux]

Being hurt in a game like this, comes with the attachments you make with people. To some, internet gaming and renditions of virtual worlds are nothing but pixels, including the people on the other end. Though in reality, there is a fine line that we often draw between them; I find that society now, has erased that line, though some still cling to it absurdly.

 

The feelings that are hurt, show that you value them, and have put a vested interest in both them and or, the character they represent, pixels or no.

 

Moving passed something like being hurt, via verbally or through actions is the same as it always has been. If it's something forgivable, try, and I mean, try like adults to work it out, but all relations are two way streets, if one does not wish to meet the other half way, well... I shall leave it there.

 

As for the second option, amidst many others; find others, and seek new memories and enjoyment from others, and enjoy a game for what it is. In time they may realize their mistake, and if not, well, their loss, no need to hurt yourself anymore for those who, cannot / will not try to help themselves.

 

Hope it's helpful.

[industrythirteen]

If there is anything I've learned, it's that everything I feel, even the scary feelings, the ones people label as negative, are all telling me something about myself, or about a situation I'm in. I don't always know what it is immediately, but if its nagging me enough, I sit down, and I go over all of it to get to the root of it. I also have a person for that. I'll say "Hey, there's this thing. Can you help me root it out?" 

 

While this is a gaming community, it's really no different than real life. This is an online game, with other people. They are not sitting in front of me, but they are there. And inevitably, my feelings are going to be hurt by a behavior, or an action, and I may inevitably upset someone else with my behavior, or my actions. But it's just that, usually a one off. Or it might be a repetitive behavior. No one is a bad guy, or a terrible person, typically. Sometimes it's just thoughtlessness. And if it's ever a deliberate behavior that is meant to harm others (not hurt, harm, ie cause damage on a physical, emotional or mental level) then I need to cut that person from my life. 

 

If I am hurt, I like to figure out why. And I like to own that feeling. Owning my own feelings gives me a sense of empowerment. If I ever say or am thinking "this person MAKES me feel so angry," or "this person MADE me feel this way," I am giving them way too much power over me. I need to communicate with that person. I don't jump down their throat, I just assess whether it's worth bringing up. If I care about the relationship with the person, I calmly collect my thoughts (this can take a few days sometimes) and say "Hey, this is the behavior, and I didn't like it for this reason. Please don't do it anymore," and state my boundaries without attacking the person's character.

 

I want an open dialogue. It's not usually about the person, it's about the behavior. And if it continues despite efforts to communicate, then I cut the person from my life. It's okay for any of us to make a mistake. It's how I learn and grow. That mistake may really sting me or others, and I or someone else might lose out on something or someone whenever I or someone else makes a mistake, but its a mistake worth making if I've learn from it, or anyone at all has learned from it. A lot of shit isn't intentional, and people still have hurt feelings. But it's worth communicating with people to make sure that a misunderstanding never turns into a grievance. 

 

If I don't think it's worth bringing up, and I just want to let it go, I go and write about it. I write it all down and never share it with anyone. Ever. I always feel better, too, after I've made the effort and spent the energy to do it.