*NSFW* ERP- should both IRL partners be okay with it?

[Tiergan]

Even if he's not doing anything wrong, they're obviously incompatible with one another if they were so bad at resolving their issues that she decided coming and airing out all the details on an RP forum was a good way to find solutions to her problems. People shouldn't stay in relationships just for the sake of being in them.

 

Or the OP is a hilarious troll. :V

[Warren Castille]

I can't figure out which column this would be, a dear-Abby like advice column

 

Dear RPC,

 

I really want a puppy but my partner wants a kitten. What do?

 

or a bragging one

 

Dear RPC,

 

You won't believe what happened to me on the airship last night. Twins. Sliders all the way to the right. Livin' the dream.

 

but I think we've got potential.

[Berrod Armstrong]

 

 

Dear RPC,

 

You won't believe what happened to me on the airship last night. Twins. Sliders all the way to the right. Livin' the dream.

 

shit they're onto me

[Kage]

OP's opinion on ERP seems fairly "ew it's bad no!" that on one hand I think the cheating might have been the ERP. On the other hand he could have used the ERP to hookie for real and cheat. Don't know.

 

Either way, if they were to even remotely have a chance they'd need to have serious discussion with each other and/or couples' therapy. They have polar opposite views on something. If he's cheated then that just adds to it.

 

Also, there -are- people who actually are ok with their partners looking at porn. Some of them are not. If he's so unwilling to compromise, then the relationship isn't worth caring about. Move on.

[Maril]

There should always be an agreement on touchy things. You may have to compromise to get there, mind. If he ERP's for the sake of jerking off and avoiding sex with you, and you're not okay with that, he should pay attention to that and find a way to make it work for both of you. If he's ERPing because it's a part of an ongoing story where i happens without being forced and whatevernot and understands that there's a clear line between IC and OOC, then personally I wouldn't have a problem with it - But given that he has cheated on you irl before, I wouldn't be surprised if the latter wasn't the case. You seem to have made up your mind already, honestly it sounds like you'll be happier if you join the single club

[Askier]

If your 'soon-to-be-ex' doesn't give a damn about how you feel with something as minor as ERP, it's simply time to GTFO of the relationship.  If he's willing to risk potentially missing out on real life nookie in favor of virtual nookie, it's definitely time to GTFO out of the relationship.

 

In the grand scheme of things, this guy doesn't sound important enough to stick it out with.

Real Life Nookie > than anything that could happen in virtual world.

[Melodia]

 

Real Life Nookie > than anything that could happen in virtual world.

Amen!

[Dravus]

I firmly believe that if you're in a relationship with someone then you should be open and honest with them. It's easy to brush off ERP as just ERP but I think it shows a major lack of respect if it's being done behind someone else's back.

I engage in ERP from time to time. Usually it's with my real life partner but occasionally it's with close friends instead. My partner knows this because I established boundaries in advance and made bloody sure that he was comfortable with it.

 

I'll be the first to claim that ERP is very different to blatant cyber as it typically revolves more around story driven erotica but...let's be honest here, most people who ERP do it in part for the sake of a sly wank as well as telling a good story in the process.

 

So that's my two penny's worth on the subject. Anyone who has been part of any active MMO role-playing community for a decent amount of time should know what sort of nasty drama can emerge from ERP gone wrong. It's worth establishing what is and isn't acceptable if you don't want it leaking into the real world and if you do go behind someone's back don't be surprised when it blows up in your face.

[LiadansWhisper]

My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend have been arguing constantly because he cannot - will not- stop engaging in ERP. He knows I feel it is akin to cheating, but he doesn't feel the same way. According to him, I am stupid and an idiot because I asked him to respect our relationship and stop playing out sexual fantasies online. I'd re

 

Okay.  I'm going to be serious about this, too, because I don't think this is a situation that should be made light of.  Emotional issues aren't funny or cute, even if you don't understand them.

 

Here's the deal:  If you are uncomfortable with the situation, then yes, there is a problem.  He may not see it in the same way as you do, but apparently he also doesn't see your relationship in the same way as you do if he has already cheated on you once.

 

If he doesn't care enough about you to stop doing something that is causing you emotional anguish, then you can extrapolate from that fact that he doesn't view the relationship with the same kind of importance that you do.  i.e.  He is less committed to this thing than you are.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but if I was in the same situation, I would dump him and move on.  He's not emotionally invested in your relationship the way you are, and he's never going to change.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Unnamed Mercenary]

[repsonse]

 

Here's most of the original post. ...I was uncomfortable saving a copy of the ERP below.

 

My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend have been arguing constantly because he cannot - will not- stop engaging in ERP. He knows I feel it is akin to cheating, but he doesn't feel the same way. According to him, I am stupid and an idiot because I asked him to respect our relationship and stop playing out sexual fantasies online. I'd really like some feedback. Please keep in mind that he has cheated on me IRL, with a girl from the game.

 

Below, I've included some examples of his ERP. Names have been edited to protect the perverts. 

 

[clipped]

 

Off topic, the responses to the thread kinda went both ways. There have been a lot of  constructive posts like yours (see Tiergan's, mine, etc) and we've also had some more....playful....ones. The RPC isn't a place to discuss RPC issues like the OP has stated, so I think it's thrown some comments off due to not knowing whether it's legitimate or a troll.

 

 

On topic, again. Nobody in a relationship should be dealing with that. It's a toxic relationship and should be ended ASAP.

[Faye]

Uh. Oh boy. Where to start with this?

 

1. Why did you not leave him the first time he cheated on you, and with someone online of all things? I'm sorry, but taking that into consideration, none of this should be a shock to you.

 

2. Not everyone who ERP's is a "pervert." It could very well be something that OOC is relatively non-sexual for him and his partner(s), hence his confusion that it upsets you. Have you sat down with him and had an actual in-depth discussion about why you think it's wrong, and why he thinks it's okay?

 

3. Imo you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't respect your feelings, especially if he's already crossed the line and cheated once before. Apparently, you've realized that, though, which brings me to my next point!

 

4. What's the point of this thread? You already seem to have decided to break up with him which is great, but considering that and the fact you felt the need to add unnecessary examples of their ERP, what's the point of this? It seems more like you want to drag your boyfriend (and possibly people who ERP as a whole?) through the mud rather than just wanting advice.

[Roswyn]

Ok, the following might be the only serious reply you're gonna get.

 

I know a woman IRL who is divorcing her husband because of text/audio sex in skype. These things mean different things to people on different levels. I, personally, wouldn't give a flying hoot about IC text sex however voice crosses a line cause that isn't IC anymore.

You're not gonna get the people here to "side" with you or shame your BF for his IC activities. Frankly, you shouldn't be here at all. You should be sitting in your living room with your significant other talking this out like adults and setting boundaries for your relationship that you are both comfortable with.

 

If neither of you are capable of the above then it might be time to break up because I sincerely doubt this is the only issue you two have.

 

/exit Dr. Ros.

[Faye]

I really don't like a lot of people being so onesided in their answers here.

We literally only know one side of the story and that side isn't even explained proberly.

 

Maybe I'm missing something here since the original post was edited, but was the guy cheating on you IRL or just via ERP?

 

If the latter is the case then you need to ask yourself, can this really be considered cheating? What if that guy looks at the picture of a naked woman? Is that considered cheating too? What about music videos? Lot's of them have naked booties and titties in them, is that considered cheating too then?

 

I don't want to be an asshat about it...but men...are men you know..?

Aside from that, just because he's doing ERP doesn't mean he does it to get off to it.

 

I for example consider ERP to be part of a characters development. If it fits the situation then I don't see anything wrong with it. We're playing out the life of a character and sadly the sexual life is a part of that as well.

 

Now if he's doing ERP constantly without any plot to it involved and if he's pretty much just an ERP whore then I'd understand your dilemma. But if it only happens occassionaly then I'd see nothing wrong with it.

 

I also don't like how people say the guy has to set his priorities right. You don't even know him. Maybe he cherishes his freedom?

 

I for one wouldn't like to be told what I have to do, not even by my girlfriend, my mother or anyone. If I feel I'm not in the wrong, then why should I have to change?

 

I hope that's some food for thought.

 

At the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend was not okay with the idea of me ERPing. I didn't view it as anything to akin to being unfaithful, but he did, so out of respect for him, I stopped ERPing for a few years because he is more important to me than a highly unnecessary facet of my RP. I did it because he asked me, not because he told me. Now, we've been together long enough and have had enough talks about it that he understands my reasons, so he doesn't really care if I do it. However, if he was never comfortable with the idea, I'd be perfectly okay with never ERPing again. I think that's perfectly reasonable.

 

The issue here isn't whether ERP can be considered cheating or not. Sure, it might be great if the OP opened her mind and stopped viewing all ERP as something OOCly perverse, but that's not the problem here. The problem is that he brushed off her concerns--something bad enough, made inexcusable by the fact that he (if I'm reading the post right?) cheated on her once before with someone online, thus giving her every right to feel uncomfortable and paranoid. Not only is he ERPing despite her not liking it and despite him possibly not doing a good job of explaining his reasoning, but he also insulted and berated her for feeling insecure after he cheated on her. That's not okay, regardless of whether ERPing is actually "cheating."

[Dat Oni]

My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend

 

 

You're already about to solve the problem, why did you make a thread about it?

[industrythirteen]

This is a boundaries issue. If the boundaries are stated and communicated clearly, and not respected, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. If the boundaries cannot be agreed upon in the first place, then it may also be time to re-evaluate.

[Aldotsk]

I stopped caring as soon as this user only had her first post as this.

 

 

 

.... I really hate to say this, but please lock this thread.

[Kage]

Actually this thread reminds me of that other thread about IC/OOC mixing of ERP.

 

And then the person who made that thread made a thread about marriages (or was that the first one?)

 

Then they made a thread about a lalafell child as a social experiment who was lost and looking for the mother (but nope cause no PC mother and mother is dead).

[ZindelloTarantella]

My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend

 

 

You're already about to solve the problem, why did you make a thread about it?

 

The thread could be a legitimate discussion point--mentioning the circumstances BEHIND (heh) the whole thing was not something that should have entered into it at all. Even if the OP wasn't intending to troll, it sounds like trolling bait--the kind of questions one expects to see either a troll create or a troll to leap to respond to.

 

I'm not gonna say whether I think this is a situation that you should pull out of because for all I know, the OP is just fibbing, being over-dramatic is making things up.

 

All I know is that ERP is a thing. People that don't MMO are aware that it happens. If you do it and your partner in real life doesn't like it, then discuss it with them. This is talk for IRL since it is differs with every person, even MMO players in the same community.

 

This entire thread doesn't say to me 'I need some help here with this'.

 

It SCREAMS 'Lookitme lookitme!'

[Jana]

This topic has been here for over 24 hours and nobody called me?!

 

My partner and I are both ok with ERP happening, but if either one of us wasn't, you'd better believe we would find a way to compromise or stop ERPing period. Frnkly, the circumstances of the "cheating" aren't very important. Assuming OP ins't a troll, they're not ok with their partner ERPing and the partner hasn't respected that. It's time to move on.

[LiadansWhisper]

I stopped caring as soon as this user only had her first post as this.

 

 

 

.... I really hate to say this, but please lock this thread.

 

If the discussion is civil, why even lock the thread?  Just because you don't like the subject doesn't mean other people shouldn't be allowed to discuss it.  The OP did nothing wrong by posting, even if you disagree with her.

[LiadansWhisper]

My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend

 

 

You're already about to solve the problem, why did you make a thread about it?

 

The thread could be a legitimate discussion point--mentioning the circumstances BEHIND (heh) the whole thing was not something that should have entered into it at all. Even if the OP wasn't intending to troll, it sounds like trolling bait--the kind of questions one expects to see either a troll create or a troll to leap to respond to.

 

I'm not gonna say whether I think this is a situation that you should pull out of because for all I know, the OP is just fibbing, being over-dramatic is making things up.

 

All I know is that ERP is a thing. People that don't MMO are aware that it happens. If you do it and your partner in real life doesn't like it, then discuss it with them. This is talk for IRL since it is differs with every person, even MMO players in the same community.

 

This entire thread doesn't say to me 'I need some help here with this'.

 

It SCREAMS 'Lookitme lookitme!'

 

Actually, what it comes across to me as is, most likely, something happened just prior to the OP posting the thread, and they got extremely upset, which prompted them to post the thread.  Ostensibly, I can see why they would post it here, as their significant other is obviously a roleplayer and perhaps they wished to know how other roleplayers feel about the subject (possibly in an effort to understand their significant other's position on the subject).

 

I prefer to believe the best about people rather than assuming the worst about their motivations, especially when we truly have no idea of the intent behind the OP, only the circumstances he or she provided.

[Aldotsk]

I stopped caring as soon as this user only had her first post as this.

 

 

 

.... I really hate to say this, but please lock this thread.

 

If the discussion is civil, why even lock the thread?  Just because you don't like the subject doesn't mean other people shouldn't be allowed to discuss it.  The OP did nothing wrong by posting, even if you disagree with her.

My soon-to-be-ex boyfriend have been arguing constantly because he cannot - will not- stop engaging in ERP. He knows I feel it is akin to cheating, but he doesn't feel the same way. According to him, I am stupid and an idiot because I asked him to respect our relationship and stop playing out sexual fantasies online. I'd really like some feedback. Please keep in mind that he has cheated on me IRL, with a girl from the game. 

 

Below, I've included some examples of his ERP. Names have been edited to protect the perverts. 

 

[clipped]

 

There is nothing to discuss. It's  really either she -deal- with it or she -break up- over matter of a video game fantasy he's having. It's like saying if a boy watches and plays eroge visual novel and fantasizing it and the girlfriend of his doesn't like it and argues about it - she can make an ultimatum to stay or not.

 

"Please keep in mind that he has cheated on me IRL, with a girl from the game. " 

 

 

I don't know how much I should take it seriously  by this statement.

[Kinono]

If you've told them it's not okay and they don't respect that, then shame on them. I've had a very similar talk about this subject with my own partner a while ago, so I'm going to try to respond to this seriously.

 

TL;DR- Yes. Both partners should be okay with it. But neither partner should be so quick to deny the other. Compromises exist.

 

There are multiple facets to be looked at here.

 

Now, I will start by saying (should OP even still be reading this thread) that ERP is not always about fantasy fulfillment. It can, depending on the person, be used as a methods of plot or character development. My own experiences with it outside of FFXIV (I'm not ashamed!) are all 100% platonic. I know that sounds weird to a lot of people, but to me it's largely just character development. A character can just as easily and logically "discover themselves" through romantic development as with dramatic, or battle, or friendship, or anything else. It depends entirely on the character they've chosen to play, and how that character chooses to receive validation. I've played characters who only existed to win fights, become stronger. I've played characters who viewed their own worth relative to romantic conquests. I've played characters who chose to be instigators of drama and simply existed to try to drive people apart. ERP is not always a romantic, sexual experience between two people so much as it is two people developing their characters with each other in ways where a "fade-to-black" simply won't cut it. It's the same as in a lot of adult fiction; the same author could just as easily fade-to-black or write out an entire scene. The most mature author will only choose to do that latter when it's called for, because the characters somehow learned or evolved during the experience.

 

Now... all that being said... Most roleplayers are sadly, not that mature. For most of the RP subsets known as ERPers, it's really just about fantasy fulfillment. Whether we as humans like to admit it or not, we are only one person each who can (or are willing to) fill a finite list of fantasies. We're bound by our physical world, and our physical bodies. A little bit of fantasy fulfillment is not unhealthy. Too much, and yeah... It's very unhealthy. Especially if OoC feelings are involved.

 

I've been roleplaying for years. Years and years. ERP just became an accepted part of the hobby for me, even though I rarely participated myself. I knew people who did, and I didn't think any less of them for it. They were playing characters, and the characters would logically fall together. My partner does not roleplay, but she writes. She understands that development of sexuality can be an important crux in a story, or a character's lifespan. She learned about my hobby and what it entails after we had been together for a while; and her inital reaction was much the same as yours! She told me it was akin to cheating, that I shouldn't be sharing intimate moments with anyone but her...

 

Frankly, I hadn't even thought about it like that. The hobby was part of who I was, and romantic development was a part of that hobby. The two were inseparable in my mind. Where RP happens, so must ERP. But we sat down together and talked about it. We searched the internet for opinions and testimonies from couples in similar situations, and we landed on a compromise that served to make both of us happy. Though it's restricted the variety of characters I can play, I got to keep my partner, and I got to maintain my favorite hobby. Things couldn't have turned out better.

 

Whether such a course of action will work for you OP, remains to be seen. But I certainly hope, all things considered, that you both at least try.

[Mae]

I've been watching the thread since just after the logs or examples or whatever were removed... honestly, I can't bring myself to believe the OP isn't trolling. 

 

On the off-chance, though, that this is a legitimate cry for help and/or for any future legitimate inquiries to the topic, here's my couple of shiny coppers:

 

Should both IRL partners be okay with ERP? 

-- ERP can be a legitimate aspect of roleplaying; for some people as natural and normal as RPing someone eating or taking a walk somewhere, and it has no more effect on their personal life as RPing eating or taking a walk somewhere. 

-- Of course, there ARE people out there who ERP is done solely for a sense of gratification and a person engaging it has no real legitimate RP reasons behind the act. This is what I would consider cybering, not ERP, but I know not everyone follows the same reasoning I do.

-- Knowing what the motivation is behind the acts is probably one of the first steps in deciding if you should be understanding about your IRL partner's want to participate in ERP.

-- On the flipside, what are your objections to your partner's desire to ERP? Is it an ambiguous "It's wrong/cheating!", or do you have specific reasons that relate to -Your Personal- feelings? If you are really against the idea of your partner ERPing, you will probably get further in reaching some sort of understanding if you first sit down and identify your personal motivations and objections.

 

 

Respect the IRL relationship.

-- Of course. The IRL relationship SHOULD always come first. There is, however, no cookie-cutter answer to what "respect the relationship" means, because before you can respect the relationship, you have to define it first, and that definition is going to vary from couple to couple. Communication and understanding is key to any relationship. 

-- There are people here who are in healthy, committed relationships (long-term dating, married, etc) who participate in ERP with people other than their IRL partners, and they have their partner's permission to freely do so. Other people in healthy, committed relationships, their IRL partners have a few stipulations/restrictions ('only if the player of the other character is the same gender', 'only with X-person/people because I know them', etc). Other people, again in healthy and committed relationships, don't participate at all because their IRL partner has objected to the idea. 

 

As for the OP... again, on what I think is an unlikely chance that it's not a troll... there's obviously more problems in the relationship than just the ERP. There was prior cheating involved, a lack of respect (the name calling), and... some intolerance (the edited-out "perverts" comment). Add to it that the OP had already labeled the boyfriend as the "soon-to-be-ex"... again, there's enough there for me to think that the relationship was doomed even without the ERP aspect.